Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)

Excellent

Liked the description of the death of the lord, and the fact that Becka and Averni managed not to fight. Disliked so many drugs floating in the air. Found the fact that they were outdoors without dissipating harmlessly uncnvincing. Other fixes, tighten up a bit, the description of the oases/baths is a bit laboured.

 Comment Written 29-Apr-2022

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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022

Thanks for taking the time to read my work. Just for clarity, the drugs in the air need to be more convincing, and I need to reword how I'm describing the oases/baths correct? Sort of a show rather than tell situation?

reply by Katherine M. (k-11) on 29-Apr-2022

correct

Comment from Inky Cat

Excellent

This was a very 'alive' scene for me, and I like how the use of smells enhances the atmosphere.
Most of it flowed well for me and each character had depth. This sentence "I blow on her neck" though caught my attention. I found myself wondering why Colton did it. Was he attracted to Becka, trying to make a move, or just playing around?

A few errors:

"I question if I'm in the place" I think this should be "I question if I'm in the right place"

"Fuck your dense" I think this should be "Fuck you're dense,"

I love the fox tattoo!

 Comment Written 29-Apr-2022

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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my work.

Comment from JoannaN

Excellent

I like the description of the aftermath of the duel in the first part (blood, torn clothes etc.) - it helps your reader imagine the situation.

I would expand the description of the place they are in (the part with "passion colors the street").

 Comment Written 26-Apr-2022

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reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my work JoannaN. For a description of the place they are in, should I add some audio and smell descriptions? Would that help give a better image?

reply by JoannaN on 27-Apr-2022

Adding a smell description (like gunpowder, rancid stench etc.) would be a nice idea, the same goes for noise (buzzing, mechanic noise). It think you could add audio/smell descriptions + how your characters react to it

Comment from prettybluebirds

Excellent

I just read another chapter of your story and then this one came up. Again, I don't spot any obvious errors and the sex scene is certainly painted in a vivid and precise manner. Great work, keep writing.

 Comment Written 20-Apr-2022

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reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022

Thank you.

Comment from Gunner Lil

Excellent

Excellent read. Fact paced, great action This reader did not want to stop.
Would like more on how the knife was made to enter his throat.
Were Colton and Becka able to clean up their injuries before hitting the street?
Did not "whale of a woman".
Great dialog. Smooth writing.
Thank you.

 Comment Written 20-Apr-2022

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reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my work.