The old Mango Tree
Short story.15 total reviews
Comment from J. P. Olesen
Hi, Sanku,
Great stuff! Looks like it is/was some kind of club entry, and I don't know if the contest has been decided.
If you feel like doing so, would you consider a couple of suggestions? These would be mine, but do as you wish.
1st graph, 3rd sentence. Consider: When, with the help of the ever-obliging northern wind I drop a ripe mango or two, I have watched the children playing underneath me, scrambling to grab them.
2nd graph, 1st sentence. Consider: I have known that, under the nights darkness, people do ....
2nd graph, 4th sentence. Consider: Once, I have seen ....
2nd graph, 5th sentence. Consider: It was then, I regretted most, that I do ....
3rd graph, 4th sentence. Consider: changing "have" to "has"
5th graph, Consider: adding a period after "tools"
I truly loved this story or I wouldn't have suggested any changes at all. Hope you think these help.
Kindest regards,
J. P.
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Hi, Sanku,
Great stuff! Looks like it is/was some kind of club entry, and I don't know if the contest has been decided.
If you feel like doing so, would you consider a couple of suggestions? These would be mine, but do as you wish.
1st graph, 3rd sentence. Consider: When, with the help of the ever-obliging northern wind I drop a ripe mango or two, I have watched the children playing underneath me, scrambling to grab them.
2nd graph, 1st sentence. Consider: I have known that, under the nights darkness, people do ....
2nd graph, 4th sentence. Consider: Once, I have seen ....
2nd graph, 5th sentence. Consider: It was then, I regretted most, that I do ....
3rd graph, 4th sentence. Consider: changing "have" to "has"
5th graph, Consider: adding a period after "tools"
I truly loved this story or I wouldn't have suggested any changes at all. Hope you think these help.
Kindest regards,
J. P.
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you very much for patiently jotting down the mistakes and improvements. I will do the necessary corrections.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job with the POV of the sad (at least at the end) tree.
You described all the goings on well using descriptive words/phrases.
I could see and feel everything you wrote. How sad for the tree and
the river. Your image is perfect.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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You did a great job with the POV of the sad (at least at the end) tree.
You described all the goings on well using descriptive words/phrases.
I could see and feel everything you wrote. How sad for the tree and
the river. Your image is perfect.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 22-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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thank you very much for the encouragement.
Comment from K. Lang-Slattery
What you describe is universal (unfortunately) but also specific. I can picture this mango tree as being in a village in India, but wherever it is, I think the piece would be improved by a few details specific to the location. I know this is a "flash fiction" piece and needs to remain short, but there is some repetition in what you have, so I think you can take out some redundancies and add some descriptive detail.
Regarding the use of the word bonhomie (cheerful friendliness; geniality.) this is not incorrect but the use of a word borrowed from French may not be the best choice for this piece. If you mean geniality, say that, or perhaps what you mean is kindness or something else.
I'd advise using the best English based word you can find.
Some suggestions for edits follow.
. "I have watched children playing under me and when I drop a ripe mango or two with the help of the ever obliging northern wind, scrambling to grab them." Try to get the modifier phrase "scrambling to grab them" closer to the noun it modifies (Children).
. Once I have seen (I think "once I saw...." is better) three people carry a woman's
. around me have (has) dwindled.
. "The river has been slowly dying." try active voice; "The river has died
slowly."
. I think the 2 sentences about the lynching should be in the paragraph about people doing unsavory things.
. "I have seen the bonhomie of humans slowly replaced by hatred." I think this sentence could be written like the ones about the river and the space (that is without saying "I have seen") and put it at the end of the previous paragraph.
. I would be (will be) gone soon, so I won't have to witness her total death.
. "Very soon they would (will) come, with their electric saw, ....."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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What you describe is universal (unfortunately) but also specific. I can picture this mango tree as being in a village in India, but wherever it is, I think the piece would be improved by a few details specific to the location. I know this is a "flash fiction" piece and needs to remain short, but there is some repetition in what you have, so I think you can take out some redundancies and add some descriptive detail.
Regarding the use of the word bonhomie (cheerful friendliness; geniality.) this is not incorrect but the use of a word borrowed from French may not be the best choice for this piece. If you mean geniality, say that, or perhaps what you mean is kindness or something else.
I'd advise using the best English based word you can find.
Some suggestions for edits follow.
. "I have watched children playing under me and when I drop a ripe mango or two with the help of the ever obliging northern wind, scrambling to grab them." Try to get the modifier phrase "scrambling to grab them" closer to the noun it modifies (Children).
. Once I have seen (I think "once I saw...." is better) three people carry a woman's
. around me have (has) dwindled.
. "The river has been slowly dying." try active voice; "The river has died
slowly."
. I think the 2 sentences about the lynching should be in the paragraph about people doing unsavory things.
. "I have seen the bonhomie of humans slowly replaced by hatred." I think this sentence could be written like the ones about the river and the space (that is without saying "I have seen") and put it at the end of the previous paragraph.
. I would be (will be) gone soon, so I won't have to witness her total death.
. "Very soon they would (will) come, with their electric saw, ....."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much for this detailed review and helpful suggestion .I will bear these suggestions in mind .It was kind of you to take time to give such long review.I am sorry my reply is delayed.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Trees have witnessed much life and they stand for centuries in silence, but see everything, if only they could tell the tales I am sure would be shocked, a poignant write, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Trees have witnessed much life and they stand for centuries in silence, but see everything, if only they could tell the tales I am sure would be shocked, a poignant write, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 22-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much for your encouraging review.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Stunning piece--sorry to say as a non-member I am not given the option of rating it the six it deserves. Heartrending reminiscence rendered from POV of doomed tree. SSSSSStupendous.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Stunning piece--sorry to say as a non-member I am not given the option of rating it the six it deserves. Heartrending reminiscence rendered from POV of doomed tree. SSSSSStupendous.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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thank you very much .i saw the pic of you and your 'twin'! you two have a lot of similarities.
Comment from lyenochka
This is a beautiful story from the point of view of a mango tree. You tell us so much about humans and the their "bonhomie" and "hatred" - the joy and the horror. And it's done with caring without judging - just honest telling even with its own doom looming ahead.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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This is a beautiful story from the point of view of a mango tree. You tell us so much about humans and the their "bonhomie" and "hatred" - the joy and the horror. And it's done with caring without judging - just honest telling even with its own doom looming ahead.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much.Helen .do you think the word' bonhomie 'is not appropriate here?
I just finished my evaluation work. Right nowI am in a hospital. My brother is undergoing a surgery tomorrow, for hernia..
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I liked bonhomie and could guess from French. It is such a fancy word!
I'm sorry that you are so busy and hope that your brother's surgery is successful and recovery easy. Hugs and prayers!
Comment from jessizero
This poem was beautiful, but oh so very sad. The last two lines were especially powerful. Thank you for choosing to share this here. Best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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This poem was beautiful, but oh so very sad. The last two lines were especially powerful. Thank you for choosing to share this here. Best wishes to you.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
I loved the beautiful language, images and originality. An imaginative way to tell a story. It is so lovely and telling the way it is, I hesitate to suggest an alternative, but this tree could be the common thread for a whole family saga using the same ideas contained here. Begin with two children playing, growing in the shade of the tree, then they fall in love and there is a proposal at a picnic under the tree. Their child is christened beneath the tree. In order to save the tree, they build a home near the tree and fence it off as part of their yard. Then a war comes, the enemy invades and the father is killed by hanging from the tree. The mother, now a widow moves away, but the son returns after he is grown....well, I am sure you get the picture. The writing sparked my own imagination, I suppose. This is an evocative piece, well done.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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I loved the beautiful language, images and originality. An imaginative way to tell a story. It is so lovely and telling the way it is, I hesitate to suggest an alternative, but this tree could be the common thread for a whole family saga using the same ideas contained here. Begin with two children playing, growing in the shade of the tree, then they fall in love and there is a proposal at a picnic under the tree. Their child is christened beneath the tree. In order to save the tree, they build a home near the tree and fence it off as part of their yard. Then a war comes, the enemy invades and the father is killed by hanging from the tree. The mother, now a widow moves away, but the son returns after he is grown....well, I am sure you get the picture. The writing sparked my own imagination, I suppose. This is an evocative piece, well done.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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A good suggestion.It could be a longer story then .Thank you very much.
Comment from country ranch writer
Construction everywhere is ruining for everyone. Animals have no homes farmers go bankrupt just trying to eek out a living raising mangos and such fir market.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Construction everywhere is ruining for everyone. Animals have no homes farmers go bankrupt just trying to eek out a living raising mangos and such fir market.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have often wished old trees could talk. Imagine the stories they could tell. I agree it's horrible when they cut down trees to build. Our planet is suffering because of it. Thank you for sharing this club entry with us.
Some varieties of mango are no longer found.they have (space after the period & a capital 't' on they)
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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I have often wished old trees could talk. Imagine the stories they could tell. I agree it's horrible when they cut down trees to build. Our planet is suffering because of it. Thank you for sharing this club entry with us.
Some varieties of mango are no longer found.they have (space after the period & a capital 't' on they)
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Thank you for pointing it out.
