The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "The Chronicles of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
13 total reviews
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Captivating...I don't usually read fantasy and know little about the genre, but I found your writing and the situation enthralling. You did an excellent job with the dialogue, it was realistic and believable. You also did a good job with character development. I could get a real sense of who the speakers are as characters.
I found a few small areas where I think I rewrite would make the chapter even better than it already is. I have indicated them below:
"Inside the dining area, polished silver torch holders lined the walls. The flickering light meshed with the yellow surface making the room appear warm and inviting. A large ring of silver holders with small lit torches hung low from the ceiling." You could cut this paragraph down, you really only need to say that a ring of silver torch holders lined the walls and hung low from the ceiling. The way it's written seems like you are saying the same thing twice.
"The round table was meant to be a humbling gesture; that is, the seating arrangements made it difficult for anyone to perceive his, or herself as being more important than another." Like King Arthur's knights of the Round Table. An enduring legend.
"The servants served wine to settle the mood;" It is awkward to have servants served so close to each other, could you use another word, like poured wine to make the sentence flow better.
"... for her " not needed.
"more than" these words are meaningless in the context and not needed. What are guests called who are more than decorous, if you have the word use it.
"..a servant quietly walked softly..." this seems redundant.
"Nazi" did you mean for this name to be evocative of the Nazis?
"... they and the Aenwyns left two days earlier for their homeland. Queen Antonia, King Tugo, and the Domari generals left several days later. Priest Hayman, urged by Brehira, stayed an extra day." Left two days earlier than what? Several days later than what? An extra day longer than what?
A well written chapter that is a credit to your skill as a writer.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
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Captivating...I don't usually read fantasy and know little about the genre, but I found your writing and the situation enthralling. You did an excellent job with the dialogue, it was realistic and believable. You also did a good job with character development. I could get a real sense of who the speakers are as characters.
I found a few small areas where I think I rewrite would make the chapter even better than it already is. I have indicated them below:
"Inside the dining area, polished silver torch holders lined the walls. The flickering light meshed with the yellow surface making the room appear warm and inviting. A large ring of silver holders with small lit torches hung low from the ceiling." You could cut this paragraph down, you really only need to say that a ring of silver torch holders lined the walls and hung low from the ceiling. The way it's written seems like you are saying the same thing twice.
"The round table was meant to be a humbling gesture; that is, the seating arrangements made it difficult for anyone to perceive his, or herself as being more important than another." Like King Arthur's knights of the Round Table. An enduring legend.
"The servants served wine to settle the mood;" It is awkward to have servants served so close to each other, could you use another word, like poured wine to make the sentence flow better.
"... for her " not needed.
"more than" these words are meaningless in the context and not needed. What are guests called who are more than decorous, if you have the word use it.
"..a servant quietly walked softly..." this seems redundant.
"Nazi" did you mean for this name to be evocative of the Nazis?
"... they and the Aenwyns left two days earlier for their homeland. Queen Antonia, King Tugo, and the Domari generals left several days later. Priest Hayman, urged by Brehira, stayed an extra day." Left two days earlier than what? Several days later than what? An extra day longer than what?
A well written chapter that is a credit to your skill as a writer.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
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Thank you so much for your review and suggestions. I really appreciate it. I'll make changes on the real manuscript.
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I decided to use some of your suggestions here as well. Again, thank you.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I've just started reading this and I'm going to start at the beginning, I don't know why I didn't see the start. I love this type of story and have read a few on here. I got half way through but will start tonight reading from chapter one. It sounds such a good story! :)) Sandra xx
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reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
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I've just started reading this and I'm going to start at the beginning, I don't know why I didn't see the start. I love this type of story and have read a few on here. I got half way through but will start tonight reading from chapter one. It sounds such a good story! :)) Sandra xx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
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Wow, thank you, Sandra. I'm so flattered you like the story and willing to start the beginning.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing another addition to this novel with us. I enjoyed reading. I am worried about Dinary. I hope he's safe.
After a few more formalities, Gangus stood and spoke.
"Your Majesties, High Priest, My Lady," he said turning to Brehira, "Generals, and Captains of the Guards. It is well known that many months ago, my army suffered a devastating defeat at the hands of the Nordoxz and their allies, the Orcs and the Minotaurs. (comma after 'spoke' and move this paragraph up.)
The Queen with her chin held high nodded at Gangus for the special mentioning of her generosity, then Gangus continued.
"We are particularly excited to welcome King Yawmin and Prince Norr's presence as well. We..." (comma after 'continued' and move the dialogue closer on the same line.)
The next morning, only Priest Hayman joined Gangus and Brehira at breakfast. (The following morning)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
|
Thank you for sharing another addition to this novel with us. I enjoyed reading. I am worried about Dinary. I hope he's safe.
After a few more formalities, Gangus stood and spoke.
"Your Majesties, High Priest, My Lady," he said turning to Brehira, "Generals, and Captains of the Guards. It is well known that many months ago, my army suffered a devastating defeat at the hands of the Nordoxz and their allies, the Orcs and the Minotaurs. (comma after 'spoke' and move this paragraph up.)
The Queen with her chin held high nodded at Gangus for the special mentioning of her generosity, then Gangus continued.
"We are particularly excited to welcome King Yawmin and Prince Norr's presence as well. We..." (comma after 'continued' and move the dialogue closer on the same line.)
The next morning, only Priest Hayman joined Gangus and Brehira at breakfast. (The following morning)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
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Thank you for your review and corrections, Barbara. They're most appreciated.
