THE CURSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 107 "The Unexpected Guests/Pt 4"The six book of the Novels of the Breedline
6 total reviews
Comment from AJ McCall
Okay, I'm so sorry it took me this late to review this ( I got sick over the weekend and I'm still recovering) but SHANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
How could you just end on that "He's saving her"??!!!!
And the fight scene description? ON FIRE! ....hit the wall with a wet CRACK!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The anticipation in this was SO HIGH my heart nearly stopped. Then you got Mr. Giant Musclaur Angel Ashton over here (at his fist line I thought it was my character entering the scene but then I read 'angel' and I WENT INSANE...lol)
Angels, werewolves, humans... GOD. You are making sure us the audience really have a diverse group to read about lol.
I was so happy when I saw you posted something. And I'm glad you found something to write because I knew you were struggling with what to write next. And look, God helped you! (And I did too, lol.) Your chapter is inspiring me to keep working on my own werewolf idea (I'll update you on that a little later.) But this chapter was AWESOME!
I understood who everyone was and how everyone become something... new and muscular and different lol.
I will say for the description of the Ashton... I have some suggestions...
So this is what you have now: When everyone looked to the unfamiliar voice, as if by magic, a giant man angel with black wings and tattooed symbols covering his arms ducked through the open doorway. He was tall, maybe ten feet, and his shoulder length hair was ink black. He was bare chested with a lean muscular physique and wore tight, black leather pants with matching boots.
I would make these changes: When everyone looked in the direction of the strange voice, a massive man ducked through the open doorway. Ebony wings unfolded behind him as he entered, tattooed symbols, gleaming like gold, twisted up the skin of his bare arms. He loomed over them, his shoulder length hair, ink-black. The rest of his bare upperbody glistened under the light, showing off the intricate lines of his biceps and bulging traps. The lower half donned close-fitting, dark leather pants, accompanied by pair of matching boots.
I know it's very very very detailed (lol) but I think this would work better. And I didn't know what color the tatooes were so I just made them gold. You can change that if you want.
And for this one: Everyone remained speechless, taking in the gigantic angel standing inside the apartment, his head nearly reaching the ceiling.
I'd do this: Everyone remained speechless, taking in the gigantic angel as his head nearly brushed against the ceiling.
I don't think saying 'standing inside the apartment' is needed because you already said he entered so... yeah.
And last one (I think): When Nicolas moved toward him, Ashton closed the distance with his arms outstretched. As they hugged, Nicolas felt like a child crushed up against his brother's superhuman size. His head barely came up to Ashton's stomach.
I love this scene by the way.
I think this would be better: When Nicolas moved toward him, Ashton closed the distance with his arms outstretched. As they hugged, Nicolas felt like a child again as he was crushed against his brother's size, his head hardly reaching Ashton's stomach.
OKAY...
I can't wait to see what happens next... I'll try to be a bit more early with my review this time. (Sorry.) AND I CAN"T WAIT FOR YOU TO ADD ME IN!!!!! I can just see it... me and my billowing afro... and all the guys looking at me like, "Who the hell are you.." LOLOLOLOL. I'm totally blushing right now.
But now I gotta go start working on MY Werewolf story. (It has to be as good as yours. I always feel empowered to write mine after I read yours. :)
But SERIOUSLY! I have to go...like, right now... UGH... I don't think I'll ever leave!
OMG I love your posts too much!! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
;) ;)
SIX STARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
(This is probably the longest reply I've written LOL.) ;) Forgive me ð?¤£ð???ð???
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2022
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Okay, I'm so sorry it took me this late to review this ( I got sick over the weekend and I'm still recovering) but SHANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
How could you just end on that "He's saving her"??!!!!
And the fight scene description? ON FIRE! ....hit the wall with a wet CRACK!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The anticipation in this was SO HIGH my heart nearly stopped. Then you got Mr. Giant Musclaur Angel Ashton over here (at his fist line I thought it was my character entering the scene but then I read 'angel' and I WENT INSANE...lol)
Angels, werewolves, humans... GOD. You are making sure us the audience really have a diverse group to read about lol.
I was so happy when I saw you posted something. And I'm glad you found something to write because I knew you were struggling with what to write next. And look, God helped you! (And I did too, lol.) Your chapter is inspiring me to keep working on my own werewolf idea (I'll update you on that a little later.) But this chapter was AWESOME!
I understood who everyone was and how everyone become something... new and muscular and different lol.
I will say for the description of the Ashton... I have some suggestions...
So this is what you have now: When everyone looked to the unfamiliar voice, as if by magic, a giant man angel with black wings and tattooed symbols covering his arms ducked through the open doorway. He was tall, maybe ten feet, and his shoulder length hair was ink black. He was bare chested with a lean muscular physique and wore tight, black leather pants with matching boots.
I would make these changes: When everyone looked in the direction of the strange voice, a massive man ducked through the open doorway. Ebony wings unfolded behind him as he entered, tattooed symbols, gleaming like gold, twisted up the skin of his bare arms. He loomed over them, his shoulder length hair, ink-black. The rest of his bare upperbody glistened under the light, showing off the intricate lines of his biceps and bulging traps. The lower half donned close-fitting, dark leather pants, accompanied by pair of matching boots.
I know it's very very very detailed (lol) but I think this would work better. And I didn't know what color the tatooes were so I just made them gold. You can change that if you want.
And for this one: Everyone remained speechless, taking in the gigantic angel standing inside the apartment, his head nearly reaching the ceiling.
I'd do this: Everyone remained speechless, taking in the gigantic angel as his head nearly brushed against the ceiling.
I don't think saying 'standing inside the apartment' is needed because you already said he entered so... yeah.
And last one (I think): When Nicolas moved toward him, Ashton closed the distance with his arms outstretched. As they hugged, Nicolas felt like a child crushed up against his brother's superhuman size. His head barely came up to Ashton's stomach.
I love this scene by the way.
I think this would be better: When Nicolas moved toward him, Ashton closed the distance with his arms outstretched. As they hugged, Nicolas felt like a child again as he was crushed against his brother's size, his head hardly reaching Ashton's stomach.
OKAY...
I can't wait to see what happens next... I'll try to be a bit more early with my review this time. (Sorry.) AND I CAN"T WAIT FOR YOU TO ADD ME IN!!!!! I can just see it... me and my billowing afro... and all the guys looking at me like, "Who the hell are you.." LOLOLOLOL. I'm totally blushing right now.
But now I gotta go start working on MY Werewolf story. (It has to be as good as yours. I always feel empowered to write mine after I read yours. :)
But SERIOUSLY! I have to go...like, right now... UGH... I don't think I'll ever leave!
OMG I love your posts too much!! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
;) ;)
SIX STARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
(This is probably the longest reply I've written LOL.) ;) Forgive me ð?¤£ð???ð???
Comment Written 23-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2022
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Wow... Thanks so much, AJ :)
Sorry to hear you've been sick. I hope you feel better soon.
I finally was able to write this scene. Whew! I didn't think I could make it, but with faith, I did. And thanks for the great tips!
I had to end this chapter because it was already so long. It will pick up in the next one. I still have to wrap this scene up, then move on into the story. It will take you fast forward four months later. It will have a wedding, a new baby, and of course your character will come in there too. Then... it will be done. Hopefully it will only take two or three more chapters. I usually don't post the entire chapter together in FanStory because they are 5 to 6 pages. So, i break them down. FanStory will only allow so much, plus readers do not like long chapters as I've been told.
I can't wait to read about your werewolf stories! Now, trying to write the next chapter. It may take me a week. I've been so busy at work. Not enough time in the day.
Big hugs! Good luck with your writing!
Shana :)
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A wedding... new baby, THAN ME??????? I LOVE BABIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! LOL. I can't wait to read it!
You're welcome! I hope you find more energy and time to work on it this week.
Yeah I know, I know, breaking up the chapters makes it easier for one to read. (I mean I don't mind long chapters tho, lol.) But I'll admit... the cliffhangers are... kinda fun. BUT ANYWAY, thank you for the get-well wishes. I will be well enough next week or maybe the week after (whenever you post) to stalk the page until I see a notification of when you post. Or the anticipation of seeing myself in a book might just get me first. LOLOL.
;) ;)
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Hey AJ. I just posted a new chapter and guess who is in it? :)
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OH.... I"M GOING TO READ ITTT!!!
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
I enjoyed reading your chapter. The artwork grabbed me right away and your writing pulled me in. Your dialogue reads naturally. I haven't read a lot of sci-fi on this site, this is a well written change of pace.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2022
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I enjoyed reading your chapter. The artwork grabbed me right away and your writing pulled me in. Your dialogue reads naturally. I haven't read a lot of sci-fi on this site, this is a well written change of pace.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2022
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Thanks so much, K.L. :)
I'm thrilled to hear you enjoyed this chapter. Your encouraging words just made my day. This took me a few weeks to put together, but hearing your positive feedback makes it all worth it.
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from prettybluebirds
Geez Louise, You sure packed the action into this chapter. It almost jumped right out of my computer. Lol. I loved every word and you had me hooked from the first paragraph. That is what good writing is about.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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Geez Louise, You sure packed the action into this chapter. It almost jumped right out of my computer. Lol. I loved every word and you had me hooked from the first paragraph. That is what good writing is about.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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Wow!!! Thanks so much, prettybirds :)
You just made my whole day! I was so worried this would be too long and confusing. It took me almost 2 weeks to complete, but after hearing your feedback, it was worth every minute.
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent story my friend! The storyline was captivating and held my attention throughout the piece and the characters bounced off each other nicely! The imagery is spot on;-)
Thanks for sharing this well written piece with us and may God bless you and your family!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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Excellent story my friend! The storyline was captivating and held my attention throughout the piece and the characters bounced off each other nicely! The imagery is spot on;-)
Thanks for sharing this well written piece with us and may God bless you and your family!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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Oh Wow! Thanks so much, Melodie :)
I am so thrilled to hear your awesome feedback. I was worried it would be too long and confusing. My day is brighter thanks to you.
God is good! Bless you.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
What a fantastic episode Shana, longer than normal but understandable. I don't think there is a better describer of battles than you My friend, and your imagination is incredible, you keep building and adjusting the characters that you build, and all uniquely different, just like we humans, well done, incredible episode, blessings Roy
Typo Group (banned) together. Banded? 2 : (At) as? the (gapping) jaws closed in. Gaping? 3: An overwhelming (since) of...sense? 4: when the form (of) a naked woman emerged. 5 : With a (puzzling) expression. Puzzled?
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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What a fantastic episode Shana, longer than normal but understandable. I don't think there is a better describer of battles than you My friend, and your imagination is incredible, you keep building and adjusting the characters that you build, and all uniquely different, just like we humans, well done, incredible episode, blessings Roy
Typo Group (banned) together. Banded? 2 : (At) as? the (gapping) jaws closed in. Gaping? 3: An overwhelming (since) of...sense? 4: when the form (of) a naked woman emerged. 5 : With a (puzzling) expression. Puzzled?
Comment Written 20-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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Thanks so much, Roy! :) So glad you enjoyed the long post. LOL! I had to pack it all in, sorry. This chapter took me almost 2 weeks to do. I am so happy I finally finished. Now, on to complete this book. Maybe one more chapter left.
Thanks for catching my typos. You are a gem!
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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My pleasure Shana
Comment from Shirley McLain
Drat, I'm out of sixes again and I want to give you one for this great chapter. It is so full of emotion and action, I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. Great job. Enjoy your evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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Drat, I'm out of sixes again and I want to give you one for this great chapter. It is so full of emotion and action, I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. Great job. Enjoy your evening. Shirley
Comment Written 20-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2022
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THanks so much, Shirley :)
I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed this chapter. I appreciate your positive feedback so much. I was worried this one would be too long and confusing. Hearing your kind words just made my day. Now, on to the next chapter. Hopefully one or two more will wrap this book up.
Big hugs!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
