THE CURSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 105 "The Unexpected Guests/Pt 2"The six book of the Novels of the Breedline
4 total reviews
Comment from AJ McCall
SHANA... you're really trying to break my heart, aren't you?
CARRIE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS! When will this Shadow DIE!?? I'm literally sick of it. You know what... write ME into the story, Shana! Yeah, ME. Write me in as a mysterious rescuer with a glowing afro. Then the story can have a twist and end happily. (LOLOLOLOL).
You really improved this chapter, Shana from when you'd first did the changes. I do have some suggestions though for a few of your paragraphs and the first one (the description of Drakon coming in) will be the only one that I'll show the before and after with. The rest will have these, (, around the changes I've made.
Before: Joseph stiffened when a guy with a black, short trimmed Mohawk, wearing a pair of dark rimmed sunglasses who towered to the height of at least six-seven or more entered first. His intimidating stature alone was frightening, not to mention his bulging, muscular arms. He had a word tattooed on his neck, but from where Joseph stood, he couldn't make out what it said.
Okay, as much as I love this one above, it sounds a little like a run-on and you got a couple of errors, so I would make these changes:
After: Joseph stiffened when a guy with a black, short-trimmed mohawk entered, donning dark-rimmed sunglasses. He towered to the height of at least six-seven, his stature alone frightening, not to mention his thick arms rippling with muscle. When he moved, Joseph caught a glimpse of a word tattooed across his neck, but he couldn't exactly make it out.
As (the stranger inched) closer, he noticed Ryan (peer) up at (him) as if he recognized him. And by the expression on the (stranger's) face, he looked surprised to see Ryan.
(One thing I can't do here in the reply is italicize words, so I would tell you to do 'six-seven', and the 'he' after 'face').
Joseph (quickly) averted his eyes from the scary (mohawk) guy as two more (men) entered. They looked (breathtakingly alike), except one had a scar (drawn) on the left side of his temple. Their long, blonde hair made him think of musicians from an 80s rock band. Behind them, another guy (emerged), (carrying) a black satchel over his shoulder. His features were menacing, but not as much as the first guy.
Two more (entered). Both had (ink-black), (shoulder-length) hair(,) one with olive skin and dark set eyes. By his prominent features, he looked European. The other had a palish complexion with a distinguished aura about him. His eyes were (a strange) color (though). They had to be contact lenses, Joseph thought. No one really had purple eyes.
The instant the woman tore her gaze away from Carrie, she looked to the men, who were obviously part of her crew. "It's no longer possessing Joseph." (she said and) pointed toward Carrie. "The Shadow's in the girl."
As the blonde-headed woman started forward with her eyes locked on Carrie, the (satchel-toting) guy raised (a hand). "Jena, wait..." His firm voice stopped her in her tracks. "Let's try our plan first."
Those changes make your paragraphs even stronger, and if you need help with any more, you know where to find me Shana!
Until part THREE! ;) ;) ;) ;)
P.S. And please write me in. (I'm serious.) Make me stronger than then The Shadow and defeat it and then all those guys can go on a chase to find out who I am and what type of power I possess! LOL.
SIX STARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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SHANA... you're really trying to break my heart, aren't you?
CARRIE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS! When will this Shadow DIE!?? I'm literally sick of it. You know what... write ME into the story, Shana! Yeah, ME. Write me in as a mysterious rescuer with a glowing afro. Then the story can have a twist and end happily. (LOLOLOLOL).
You really improved this chapter, Shana from when you'd first did the changes. I do have some suggestions though for a few of your paragraphs and the first one (the description of Drakon coming in) will be the only one that I'll show the before and after with. The rest will have these, (, around the changes I've made.
Before: Joseph stiffened when a guy with a black, short trimmed Mohawk, wearing a pair of dark rimmed sunglasses who towered to the height of at least six-seven or more entered first. His intimidating stature alone was frightening, not to mention his bulging, muscular arms. He had a word tattooed on his neck, but from where Joseph stood, he couldn't make out what it said.
Okay, as much as I love this one above, it sounds a little like a run-on and you got a couple of errors, so I would make these changes:
After: Joseph stiffened when a guy with a black, short-trimmed mohawk entered, donning dark-rimmed sunglasses. He towered to the height of at least six-seven, his stature alone frightening, not to mention his thick arms rippling with muscle. When he moved, Joseph caught a glimpse of a word tattooed across his neck, but he couldn't exactly make it out.
As (the stranger inched) closer, he noticed Ryan (peer) up at (him) as if he recognized him. And by the expression on the (stranger's) face, he looked surprised to see Ryan.
(One thing I can't do here in the reply is italicize words, so I would tell you to do 'six-seven', and the 'he' after 'face').
Joseph (quickly) averted his eyes from the scary (mohawk) guy as two more (men) entered. They looked (breathtakingly alike), except one had a scar (drawn) on the left side of his temple. Their long, blonde hair made him think of musicians from an 80s rock band. Behind them, another guy (emerged), (carrying) a black satchel over his shoulder. His features were menacing, but not as much as the first guy.
Two more (entered). Both had (ink-black), (shoulder-length) hair(,) one with olive skin and dark set eyes. By his prominent features, he looked European. The other had a palish complexion with a distinguished aura about him. His eyes were (a strange) color (though). They had to be contact lenses, Joseph thought. No one really had purple eyes.
The instant the woman tore her gaze away from Carrie, she looked to the men, who were obviously part of her crew. "It's no longer possessing Joseph." (she said and) pointed toward Carrie. "The Shadow's in the girl."
As the blonde-headed woman started forward with her eyes locked on Carrie, the (satchel-toting) guy raised (a hand). "Jena, wait..." His firm voice stopped her in her tracks. "Let's try our plan first."
Those changes make your paragraphs even stronger, and if you need help with any more, you know where to find me Shana!
Until part THREE! ;) ;) ;) ;)
P.S. And please write me in. (I'm serious.) Make me stronger than then The Shadow and defeat it and then all those guys can go on a chase to find out who I am and what type of power I possess! LOL.
SIX STARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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LOL! :) You are the best, AJ :)
You would be shocked if I really added you in their battle. You never know what I might do.
That being said, thanks for all your helpful advice. I see a lot of your suggestions will work better. You clever girl!
Now, I have to write a big battle. We have several people in the apartment with supernatural powers. Jem can summon fire (which isn't working), Jena can turn into a seven-foot werewolf who fights evil beings, Jace can turn into a seven-foot shaggy white werewolf, Tim is a Breedline, Drakon is a rogue wolf, Roman is an Adalwolf, Nicolas is immortal with super strength and speed, and Ryan... well, that's still a secret. Hopefully one of those can kill this demon and save Carrie. I'm working hard on this ending.
Thanks again!
Big hugs,
Shana :)
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Oh, I don't think I would be 'shocked' lol... I'D BE HONORED!!
You're welcome, Shana! Anytime. And thanks for the run-down of their powers. Now all I have to do is come up with ones MORE POWERFUL for MY character (me) in your story in the future, LOL. And I'll be praying for your editing and posting skills to be heightened! LOL.
And WAIT! You just hinted at Ryan MAYBE having superpowers TOO!?? I was thinking maybe his secret was more toward 'being related' not 'superpower'. NOW I FEEL BEYTRAYED! LOL. I'm kidding. I'M HYPE! ;);) :)
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And when you said, a shaggy white werewolf I was thinking of Shaggy's pet, Scooby-Do with white fur and on steriods, LOL.
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I just realized I confused two different movies: I meant what you said reminded me of Shaggy from Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen on STERIODS! 🤣😂
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Haha! That's funny :)
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🤣😂😁🤣
Comment from royowen
How exciting this is, very, very imaginative Shana, I can't believe I'm reading this, the demon has unimaginable power, but I know good will overcome it, that's why it shifted to Carrie I'm guessing, because love for Carrie could overcome anything evil, love being the most powerful thing in the universe, it's how man came into existence, as did everything else. Beautifully written my friend Shana, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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How exciting this is, very, very imaginative Shana, I can't believe I'm reading this, the demon has unimaginable power, but I know good will overcome it, that's why it shifted to Carrie I'm guessing, because love for Carrie could overcome anything evil, love being the most powerful thing in the universe, it's how man came into existence, as did everything else. Beautifully written my friend Shana, blessings Roy
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thanks so much, Roy! :)
Yes, love is invincible. And remember, my stories always end with a good feeling, like a fairytale. Bad guys always lose.
I appreciate your awesome feedback and generous stars. Now, I have to create a big battle. Who will save the day?
Thanks again!
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Most welcome Shana
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is a great chapter. I'm a big fan of these kind of stories. I will have to go back and try to catch up. I got a pretty good feel for the characters from this chapter and the backstory, but am obviously a bit lost until I go back. loved it.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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This is a great chapter. I'm a big fan of these kind of stories. I will have to go back and try to catch up. I got a pretty good feel for the characters from this chapter and the backstory, but am obviously a bit lost until I go back. loved it.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thanks so much, John :)
Glad you liked this chapter. I appreciate your kind words and generous stars. And yes, this is getting close to the end. Now, I have to create a big battle. This book has been fun to write but has also taken me almost 2 years. I may need a glass of wine when I finish. LOL!
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Shirley McLain
Intense chapter to read with the Shadow morphing. You did a great job with your descriptions. I could feel the fear and the Uncle's agony. I didn't find any errors. Have a great day. Shirley
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Intense chapter to read with the Shadow morphing. You did a great job with your descriptions. I could feel the fear and the Uncle's agony. I didn't find any errors. Have a great day. Shirley
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thanks so much, Shirley :) It's nice to hear you enjoyed the chapter and the descriptions. This one was tough for me. I can see it all in my head, but when it comes to putting into words, that's difficult. I think it took me three days just to write one page. Ugg...
Thanks for your support! I appreciate it!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
