The Messenger
from God17 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Katharine,
Nice! I have never heard of that song, either, but I liked your story. *smile* You could have taken this in a hundred different ways, but this was developed in a practical and organic way. It made a lot more sense and was reasonably realistic.
I thought the priest would dash from the pub and start asking every person he saw, breathlessly, you know, 'would you save someone even if it might mean...?' yada yada -- and then hurry to the next person, grabbing them by the shoulders, spittle hitting them in the mouth, hurry, hurry, on a mission. hahaha
Your way made a lot more sense. hahahaha
It also made a lot more sense that maybe not everyone would be so willing to agree to do it, right? Makes me sad to admit it's so, but there it is. --sigh-- And the magical tie at the end sets the reader up for your amazing ending. You're so smart! And a reeaaalllly good story-teller.
I enjoyed this quite a lot. Great job and good luck!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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Katharine,
Nice! I have never heard of that song, either, but I liked your story. *smile* You could have taken this in a hundred different ways, but this was developed in a practical and organic way. It made a lot more sense and was reasonably realistic.
I thought the priest would dash from the pub and start asking every person he saw, breathlessly, you know, 'would you save someone even if it might mean...?' yada yada -- and then hurry to the next person, grabbing them by the shoulders, spittle hitting them in the mouth, hurry, hurry, on a mission. hahaha
Your way made a lot more sense. hahahaha
It also made a lot more sense that maybe not everyone would be so willing to agree to do it, right? Makes me sad to admit it's so, but there it is. --sigh-- And the magical tie at the end sets the reader up for your amazing ending. You're so smart! And a reeaaalllly good story-teller.
I enjoyed this quite a lot. Great job and good luck!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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well, Miss Robyn, you just made my day!! (altho you often do)
I have a file in Word for really special responses to my FS stuff, and yours just went right in. Love going back and reading them.
I really do thank you for an extremely kind and neat response.
Had to laugh at the picture you painted of Father Jim grabbing people and spittle flying in their faces. You are too much!!
Also had to chuckle at "practical and organic" - never have I ever thought I would hear that about me or anything I'd done. HOWEVER, I did think the subject needed to be treated seriously, but my first effort was too much so - the Father got killed by the robber and so did the homeless man, (of course God had left his body) but I got too much flack about that so changed it. much better.
thanks again for all your cute comments and good luck wishes!!
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YAY!
Comment from Begin Again
This is a wonderful story and I was drawn into every word. You did an excellent job of "rattling" our cages and making us question ourselves and how we would react. I pray the devil loses every time!
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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This is a wonderful story and I was drawn into every word. You did an excellent job of "rattling" our cages and making us question ourselves and how we would react. I pray the devil loses every time!
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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thanks, Carol.
The song I was given in the challenge was very disturbing and this was my reaction to it. Thanks for your very nice comments! and especially the lovely 6!!
Katharine
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I changed the ending as I got a few people saying it was confusing. think you may like it better.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
And You will know whose told the truth - who's
You will have a week to get as many as you can, then, on the seventh day, bring them to me at sunrise." - It would better to make two sentences with a period after ' as you can'
'ALL' the book club folks were no? You must have had fun with that line. lol
The homeless man was shot, also, and his watch, taken. - too many commas. Rewritten, you could lose the 'also' and all three commas.
Just curious, why did you kill the homeless man?
Good luck in the contest and best wishes.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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And You will know whose told the truth - who's
You will have a week to get as many as you can, then, on the seventh day, bring them to me at sunrise." - It would better to make two sentences with a period after ' as you can'
'ALL' the book club folks were no? You must have had fun with that line. lol
The homeless man was shot, also, and his watch, taken. - too many commas. Rewritten, you could lose the 'also' and all three commas.
Just curious, why did you kill the homeless man?
Good luck in the contest and best wishes.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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thanks, Wayne. I will get to work on it.
The shooter/robber was probably flustered and not rational. Didn't want a witness to his killing the priest.
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I changed the ending (and corrected "whose." Hope you like it.
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I did.
Still think you had too much fun with ALL the book club members being 'no' (lol)
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forgot about them. will go check
Comment from Jay Squires
And You will know whose told the truth and who hasn't?" [I believe you intended ... "...who told the truth and who hasn't?"]
As Father Jim approached the park bench, the homeless man [This paragraph confused me at first. I expected the homeless man to be alone (as God). He speaks to "Dad" though. Since you (as writer) are speaking though the character of Father Jim ... I really think you need to introduce two people on the park bench, the one being the homeless man. As the narrative unfolds I see that the old man is, indeed, the homeless man. And he had the watch.
Katharine, I'm afraid this final section needs to be disentangled. You have a clear picture of who the characters are, but I'm afraid that doesn't get laid out on the page. I believe the reason is that you want to maintain tension and suspense as long as you can, but I think it was at the expense of understanding.
I hope I'm not coming across crudely while trying to help, Katharine. I have tremendous respect for your writing talent and it's clearly evident as your story unfolds. But I feel you need to fine-tune the final section so the desired ending will grow naturally out of the climax.
I hope this helps.
Jay
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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And You will know whose told the truth and who hasn't?" [I believe you intended ... "...who told the truth and who hasn't?"]
As Father Jim approached the park bench, the homeless man [This paragraph confused me at first. I expected the homeless man to be alone (as God). He speaks to "Dad" though. Since you (as writer) are speaking though the character of Father Jim ... I really think you need to introduce two people on the park bench, the one being the homeless man. As the narrative unfolds I see that the old man is, indeed, the homeless man. And he had the watch.
Katharine, I'm afraid this final section needs to be disentangled. You have a clear picture of who the characters are, but I'm afraid that doesn't get laid out on the page. I believe the reason is that you want to maintain tension and suspense as long as you can, but I think it was at the expense of understanding.
I hope I'm not coming across crudely while trying to help, Katharine. I have tremendous respect for your writing talent and it's clearly evident as your story unfolds. But I feel you need to fine-tune the final section so the desired ending will grow naturally out of the climax.
I hope this helps.
Jay
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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yes, you're right. Need to work on it. thanks
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Jay, changed the ending. hope you like it.
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Now, THAT is a satisfying ending, Katharine. It is so much better with Father Jim alive at the end and hearing about the results of his courage with God. Before, Father Jim was a victim, not a wielder of change. Thank you for the heads up. This is going to turn the judges eyes!
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and thank you for getting me on the right track!
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Thank you for the entertaining read!
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I have consistently debated the confessing of sins only to repeat them again and again. I have been taught that God forgives all sins but if the sinner repeats the act, he has the weight of the new plus the old weigh heavier each time. When will man ever learn?
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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I have consistently debated the confessing of sins only to repeat them again and again. I have been taught that God forgives all sins but if the sinner repeats the act, he has the weight of the new plus the old weigh heavier each time. When will man ever learn?
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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seems to me, you have. :)
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I changed the ending. Hope you like it.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a fine story, Katharine.
There is just one sentence I would change as it confused me, and it's a crucial one:
The priest had broken the tie without knowing it.
(made me think of neckties). Perhaps something like:
The priest had determined the result of the challenge without knowing it.
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reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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This is a fine story, Katharine.
There is just one sentence I would change as it confused me, and it's a crucial one:
The priest had broken the tie without knowing it.
(made me think of neckties). Perhaps something like:
The priest had determined the result of the challenge without knowing it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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very good, Katherine. thanks/
Comment from joann r romei
Very interesting story, a traditional one about good and evil and to save mankind, i like the mother in law part, it is difficult to experience hating someone in the family when there should be love
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reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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Very interesting story, a traditional one about good and evil and to save mankind, i like the mother in law part, it is difficult to experience hating someone in the family when there should be love
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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believe me, I experienced it, so I know from where I speak. No, it was horrible - a constant unpleasantness and lots of tears of frustration.
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I changed the ending. Hope you like it.
