THE CURSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 104 "The Unexpected Guests"The six book of the Novels of the Breedline
8 total reviews
Comment from BLACKTITANIUM86
Damn! Just when I was really getting into this,
you hit me with "To Be Continued?" Well, you've
done this justice, so far. And I can't wait til the next
episode. Keep Writing. And try to stop by my spot.
Either way, Stay Connected
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2022
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Damn! Just when I was really getting into this,
you hit me with "To Be Continued?" Well, you've
done this justice, so far. And I can't wait til the next
episode. Keep Writing. And try to stop by my spot.
Either way, Stay Connected
Comment Written 27-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2022
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Thanks so much! :) I'm glad you enjoyed another chapter. I will definitely check out your work.
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
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No problem, and if you would like to know more about what I do, you can catch me at? www . reverbnation . com/titanblack222
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Thanks! :) My website is shanacongrove.com
Comment from royowen
What a fantastic twist to this episode, Frank and Manuel drop by at Carrie's place, handcuff Joseph, but don't realise that the shadow has transferred itself to her, of course Jena has detected this, and Frank is nonplussed by this discovery, but I don't know that handcuffs can prevent the shadow from wreaking havoc. An excellent post Shana, brilliant post. Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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What a fantastic twist to this episode, Frank and Manuel drop by at Carrie's place, handcuff Joseph, but don't realise that the shadow has transferred itself to her, of course Jena has detected this, and Frank is nonplussed by this discovery, but I don't know that handcuffs can prevent the shadow from wreaking havoc. An excellent post Shana, brilliant post. Blessings Roy
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Thank you so much, Roy :)
This took me a bit to figure out. I did go back and added a few extra things. After I had time to think about it, I thought it could use more flare.
Thanks for always supporting my work. You keep me motivated.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Seemed OK to me, although I go back most times to edit.
Comment from AJ McCall
SHANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I was smiling the whole time I was reading until THE END! I was loving the intensity; the way you switched from the main characters' POVs to Jessica's and described each member of the Breedline and their appearances!! And I realized that from Joseph's POV, Frank and Manuel seemed OLD lol. AND I loved how you had all the guys coming in first, 'crowding' into the small apartment. LOL. I love these types of pieces if you couldn't tell already.
How did they get there so fast though??! Are they going to have to tell Jessica and Ryan the truth? Does Ryan know Drakon?? What plan (sorry I don't remember the guy's name who spoke to Jena) is he talking about? Will Carrie be okay??! I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS SHANA! I'll be watching... ;0 ;) ;) ;0 :)
SIX STARS FOR THE BREEDLINE... (Let them know I said hi. LOL.)
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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SHANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I was smiling the whole time I was reading until THE END! I was loving the intensity; the way you switched from the main characters' POVs to Jessica's and described each member of the Breedline and their appearances!! And I realized that from Joseph's POV, Frank and Manuel seemed OLD lol. AND I loved how you had all the guys coming in first, 'crowding' into the small apartment. LOL. I love these types of pieces if you couldn't tell already.
How did they get there so fast though??! Are they going to have to tell Jessica and Ryan the truth? Does Ryan know Drakon?? What plan (sorry I don't remember the guy's name who spoke to Jena) is he talking about? Will Carrie be okay??! I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS SHANA! I'll be watching... ;0 ;) ;) ;0 :)
SIX STARS FOR THE BREEDLINE... (Let them know I said hi. LOL.)
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Awww... thank you very much, AJ :)
Hey... I went back and added a few lines, creating more to the story. You might want to go back and check it out. Boy, it took me a while to think of how to put this all together. At least it's getting close to being solved.
Glad you liked Jessica's thoughts. Someone pointed out I had Joseph, Carrie and Jessica's POV in this chapter, which is too much. Not sure if I should change it.
Oh... the Breedline crew can get anywhere they want if Jem is around. He can use a portal. Hee-hee!
And yes, Ryan knows Drakon and everyone else. You'll find out how soon. Ryan has a secret you'll learn about.
Tim and the others had planned on tranquilizing Joseph instead of letting Jena shift into her creature to destroy him. And Jem has powers to burn the demon to ash.
Stay tuned... I will work on another chapter this week and hopefully some on the weekend for next Monday.
And... the Breedline crew says thanks, hi back at ya! :)
I appreciate your awesome feedback and continuing support.
Big hugs,
Shana :)
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You're very welcome, Shana!! And yes, you did have all three of their POVs but I don't think you need to change that if you didn't already. (But it's up to you.) Jem makes portals now, eh? LOL. I should've figured it was going to be something of that sort. ;) So now I'm wondering what type of relationship Ryan and Drakon has AND what type of SECRET Ryan is keeping. Is he a Breedline TOO?! I can't wait to find out! But I'm assuming their plan has to sorta change since it isn't Joseph being possessed anymore, it's POOR Carrie.
Do I hear that this future chapter might be longer than usual? OOOOH. Can't wait to read it. AND AND I almost forgot to mention, everyone seemed intimidating when they came in, especially Jena, who you described SO WELL sniffing the air. (I love when supernatural characters inhale deeply, LOL.) AND I'll go back and look at those changes right now... ;)
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NO WAY...
You added a lot more than I thought, lol. AND NOW I REALIZE I HAVE TO WAIT LONGER TO READ THE RESTTTTTT! UGH. LOLOLOL. ;) ;) I love it! One thing I would say though when Jem reached into his bag to grab the tranquilizer I would take away the 'in his grasp' part. It looks to be repeating what you already said. And then you had Jena say 'We only have one shot at this." And then you wrote 'Tim said, knowing they had one shot at this'. I would suggest for Tim's part you could write something different like; Tim said, knowing this was the only chance at what they all knew was saving other innocent lives. That would sound a bit better. But DANG! I really hope they don't have to hurt Carrie. I better see that Fairytale ending, Shana. (LOL). ;)
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AND I almost forgot... I LOVED how Ryan and Jessica walked in, so oblivious to the situation. I would've been like, "There are seven werewolfs in my apartment? Okay. Count me in. Run the situation by me." LOL.
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LOL! :) Yah, Jessica is about to be shocked by what all is about to go down. She has no idea about the Breedline, but Ryan... he might know more than you think. I just hope I can get another chapter out for Monday. There are not enough hours in the day, and I am such a slow writer. LOL!
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Thanks for your helpful tips. I completely agree. You are so clever! :)
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You're welcome! 😊😁
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LOL. Aww, hang in there Shana! God's got you! And you know where you can find some help if you need it. I can't wait to read Jessica's reaction! (And LEARN RYAN'S SECRET! Maybe the secret will be so much that Jessica will break up with him. Who knows????... ;)
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Thanks girl! :) BTW... no one breaks up in my Breedline world. They may bicker and fight a bit, but love is always everlasting in my stories.
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😁 That's how it should be!
*Bumps Fist Virtually*
Comment from robyn corum
Shana,
Hello, again! Sorry I don't get by more often - when I do get around here, I always enjoy your ... delightful, eerie, unpredictable craziness. *smile* You do have such a unique talent. I appreciate your writing skills - they draw the reader (this one, anyway) right in to the story every time. YAY!
Of course, I'm going to pick you to pieces. That's the horrible sort of human I am. I'd rather you hear it from me than a reviewer on Amazon or an editor - or whatever. Right? Right. So, here we go - put on your big girl panties!
Notes:
1.) Carrie Randall--a substance abuse counselor who is cursed with a boss from hell and unsuccessful at dating
--> reverse the order
--> Carrie Randall--a substance abuse counselor who is unsuccessful at dating and cursed with a boss from hell
2.) In of spite of her past relationships,
--> edit the first part ( delete the 'of')
3.) But when Carrie discovers the terrifying secrets he's been keeping, she begins to fear for her life.
--> passive voice -- often 'signaled' by the use of 'be'. 'been', 'was', 'were', etc. Change to active voice thusly:
--> But when Carrie discovers his terrifying secrets, she fears for her life.
--> but always watch out for 'begins to' or 'starts to' - DO THEY begin to? Or do they just DO IT? Right???
--> if you are interested, you can look up more on passive vs. active voice online. It took me quite a while to see it and THEN to figure out why/how it mattered. *smile* Once I got it, I GOT it. It MATTERS! (Trust me.)
4.) realizing time was STARTING TO get away from them.
--> realizing time was getting away from them.
5.) His Adam(')s apple bobbed
6.) Jessica quickly latched onto Ryan's arm when she saw a guy with a black,
--> Ryan is already holding Jess REALLY tightly. I might suggest just having her turn more INTO his arms, maybe? I would have already have expected her to be reciprocating SOME of his embrace? Otherwise, we have him really, really holding her - but she's just standing there?
7.) Their long, blonde hair made her think of musicians from an 80s rock band.
--> Now, you know I haven't been following regularly (sorry!) but I have to stop here and ask -- is this written in omniscient POV? I'm used to seeing Third Person mostly and so I must double-check. Since this post began, we've been in Joseph's, Carrie's, and now Jessica's heads. That's a lot of head-hopping....
8.) Jessica nervously watched as the woman evaded her attention away from Joseph
--> 'evaded' = 'escape or avoid, especially by cleverness or trickery.'
--> How about 'moved'?
9.) away from Joseph and focused her eyes on Carrie with a baleful glare.
--> and what else would she focus?
--> delete 'her eyes'
--> notice you triple-timed it with a 'baleful glare'
--> decide which part is most important and go with that:
--> away from Joseph and focused on Carrie.
--> away from Joseph and zeroed in on Carrie with a baleful glare.
10.) The instant she tore her eyes away from Carrie
--> Beware of 'impossible language' - this sounds like she ripped her eyeballs away from Carrie - horribly painful if you ask me - I can't imagine why anyone would do it. Wow.
--> Let's rip her 'gaze', shall we?
11.) the guy with the satchel held out a halting hand, stopping her in her tracks.
--> again - very gross. Was it HIS hand? A neighbor's?
--> he 'raised' a halting hand
12.) Jena silently nodded an understanding.
--> a nod, by definition, is silent
13.) his eyes feasted upon his niece in stunned disbelief.
--> 'feast' is a rather happy, joyful word - not appropriate here probably?
14.) His voice trembled and his heart felt like it was stuck in his throat.
--> now we're in Franks' head...
15.) It occurs to me that 'The Curse' may be a title that is seen pretty often. What about:
--> SHADOW - Secret Species
Just a thought - one you are welcome to dismiss (I am TERRIBLE with titles.)
No counting down on stars - on accounta you may not have known soma this stuff. --wink--
If you gots any questions, please feel free to holler. On the other hand, ifs youse is mad, don't hollers at all. Thanks for the trip!
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Shana,
Hello, again! Sorry I don't get by more often - when I do get around here, I always enjoy your ... delightful, eerie, unpredictable craziness. *smile* You do have such a unique talent. I appreciate your writing skills - they draw the reader (this one, anyway) right in to the story every time. YAY!
Of course, I'm going to pick you to pieces. That's the horrible sort of human I am. I'd rather you hear it from me than a reviewer on Amazon or an editor - or whatever. Right? Right. So, here we go - put on your big girl panties!
Notes:
1.) Carrie Randall--a substance abuse counselor who is cursed with a boss from hell and unsuccessful at dating
--> reverse the order
--> Carrie Randall--a substance abuse counselor who is unsuccessful at dating and cursed with a boss from hell
2.) In of spite of her past relationships,
--> edit the first part ( delete the 'of')
3.) But when Carrie discovers the terrifying secrets he's been keeping, she begins to fear for her life.
--> passive voice -- often 'signaled' by the use of 'be'. 'been', 'was', 'were', etc. Change to active voice thusly:
--> But when Carrie discovers his terrifying secrets, she fears for her life.
--> but always watch out for 'begins to' or 'starts to' - DO THEY begin to? Or do they just DO IT? Right???
--> if you are interested, you can look up more on passive vs. active voice online. It took me quite a while to see it and THEN to figure out why/how it mattered. *smile* Once I got it, I GOT it. It MATTERS! (Trust me.)
4.) realizing time was STARTING TO get away from them.
--> realizing time was getting away from them.
5.) His Adam(')s apple bobbed
6.) Jessica quickly latched onto Ryan's arm when she saw a guy with a black,
--> Ryan is already holding Jess REALLY tightly. I might suggest just having her turn more INTO his arms, maybe? I would have already have expected her to be reciprocating SOME of his embrace? Otherwise, we have him really, really holding her - but she's just standing there?
7.) Their long, blonde hair made her think of musicians from an 80s rock band.
--> Now, you know I haven't been following regularly (sorry!) but I have to stop here and ask -- is this written in omniscient POV? I'm used to seeing Third Person mostly and so I must double-check. Since this post began, we've been in Joseph's, Carrie's, and now Jessica's heads. That's a lot of head-hopping....
8.) Jessica nervously watched as the woman evaded her attention away from Joseph
--> 'evaded' = 'escape or avoid, especially by cleverness or trickery.'
--> How about 'moved'?
9.) away from Joseph and focused her eyes on Carrie with a baleful glare.
--> and what else would she focus?
--> delete 'her eyes'
--> notice you triple-timed it with a 'baleful glare'
--> decide which part is most important and go with that:
--> away from Joseph and focused on Carrie.
--> away from Joseph and zeroed in on Carrie with a baleful glare.
10.) The instant she tore her eyes away from Carrie
--> Beware of 'impossible language' - this sounds like she ripped her eyeballs away from Carrie - horribly painful if you ask me - I can't imagine why anyone would do it. Wow.
--> Let's rip her 'gaze', shall we?
11.) the guy with the satchel held out a halting hand, stopping her in her tracks.
--> again - very gross. Was it HIS hand? A neighbor's?
--> he 'raised' a halting hand
12.) Jena silently nodded an understanding.
--> a nod, by definition, is silent
13.) his eyes feasted upon his niece in stunned disbelief.
--> 'feast' is a rather happy, joyful word - not appropriate here probably?
14.) His voice trembled and his heart felt like it was stuck in his throat.
--> now we're in Franks' head...
15.) It occurs to me that 'The Curse' may be a title that is seen pretty often. What about:
--> SHADOW - Secret Species
Just a thought - one you are welcome to dismiss (I am TERRIBLE with titles.)
No counting down on stars - on accounta you may not have known soma this stuff. --wink--
If you gots any questions, please feel free to holler. On the other hand, ifs youse is mad, don't hollers at all. Thanks for the trip!
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Thank you, thank you, thank you, Robyn :)
Wow... You are such a big help! I really appreciate this. You took a lot of time with this. I remember you helped me with The Immortal too. You are such a helpful person! This is why I continue to write here. So many helpful people who take the time to give me advice. I'm always learning.
Thanks again! I went back and made a lot of changes, thanks to you. BTW, there is a reason why I wanted to use The Curse for this book title. Although it is Joseph's story, it's also Jena's too. It seems they are both cursed, so it seemed appropriate. I thought of using The Shadow as the title but later decided against it.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Shirley McLain
That poor uncle. He doesn't know which way to turn. You did an excellent job, as always, and I can't wait to read the next installment. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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That poor uncle. He doesn't know which way to turn. You did an excellent job, as always, and I can't wait to read the next installment. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Thanks so much, Shirley :)
I really appreciate your kind review and generous stars. I did go back later and added a few things to the story. Sometimes, things just pop in my head at the last minute. LOL!
Stay tuned... more Breedline adventures to come. And yes, poor Frank. He's had a rough time in this story. But I think he'll be just fine in the end.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Sometimes mysteries resolved, but you are making the novel more interesting and appealing to the readers, further secrets put in the climax; realistic approach in the taletelling is more appealing; well said, well done; post more. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Sometimes mysteries resolved, but you are making the novel more interesting and appealing to the readers, further secrets put in the climax; realistic approach in the taletelling is more appealing; well said, well done; post more. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Awww... thanks so much, Alcreator. BTW... thanks for sharing your profile photo. It's good to see you :)
I always look forward to your feedback. I appreciate your support. And glad you enjoyed the chapter.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Rachel Jamerson1
Wow! This is not my usual reading material, but you have created an intriguing story. It is well written and has interesting characters. I know you will do well with this storyline. Great job.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Wow! This is not my usual reading material, but you have created an intriguing story. It is well written and has interesting characters. I know you will do well with this storyline. Great job.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Thanks so much, Rachel :) I really appreciate the generous stars and motivating feedback. So thrilled you enjoyed the chapter. I am close to finishing this book and it has been fun to create. I'm looking forward to continuing my Breedline adventures.
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent story my friend! The storyline is interesting and held my attention throughout the piece and the characters bounce off one another nicely;-)
Thank you for sharing and may God bless you and your family!
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Excellent story my friend! The storyline is interesting and held my attention throughout the piece and the characters bounce off one another nicely;-)
Thank you for sharing and may God bless you and your family!
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Thanks so much, Melodie :) I'm thrilled you enjoyed the chapter. Hearing your feedback is so motivating for me. As writers, we always doubt ourselves. Your review brightened my day! I do look forward to creating more adventures for my Breedline characters.
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
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;-)
