Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Ever Changing"From one life to another
3 total reviews
Comment from Rachel Jamerson1
You have done a good job of weaving a 'tale' (story). However, I couldn't understand anything that was going on. This is just not something I would read. I'm not saying it isn't good - just not something that interests me.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2022
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You have done a good job of weaving a 'tale' (story). However, I couldn't understand anything that was going on. This is just not something I would read. I'm not saying it isn't good - just not something that interests me.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read my work.
Comment from Jay Squires
I love your attitude of asking for help. I've been writing for better than 65 years and I know that with that attitude in your heart, you will excel. You have already gained a lot of experience and skill-sets. You handle writing in the present tense (which is one of the most difficult to write in) admirably. I only found one instance when you slipped into the past tense. I was expecting far more.
You are an excellent writer. Your plot is engaging. You handle pace well so that your action doesn't sag, then tighten, then sag again. You have good timing in your dialogue, though you tend to be a little careless in leaving off some quotation marks. But those are correctable.
That said, you make it very difficult, with all your characters, to transition between them. I believe that is intentional, as a part of your technique. It's always imperative, however, to keep in mind that you know very well what is happening with each character ... so well, in fact, that you don't make it entirely clear to the reader. For that reason, I got quite confused in the beginning, and so indicated.
Here are my notes as I went along in my reading:
"Those Stags are native to the Northern forests," a new voice enters MY {caps are mine} ears. [This change in this paragraph from the 3rd person point of view of the soldier. So far, it's unclear in this chapter if he is the p.o.v. protagonist, or not, But clearly, with the above sentence and the remainder of that paragraph, the P.O.V changes to the 1st person. Whenever that happens the 1st person always trumps all other POVs because it is omniscient. More on that in a moment.]
The stranger continues walking until he stands over the Empire painted on the floor. "Hunter, my lords." [You revert back to the 3rd person, but clearly, he seems the same as the 1st person narrator. This is very confusing to the reader.]
Silent words passed among those gathered, [Here you lapsed into the past tense, out of the present tense it had been heretofore.]
My heart jumps into my throat, but I swallow it after my shock subsides. [Again, after Hunter makes the fire change colors, we are back with the 1st person narrative. And therein is one of the reasons for my confusion. The 1st person narrator's observations are in the same paragraph as the description of Hunter's action that elicited them. You should have changed paragraphs. Don't make it harder than you need to for the reader to understand.
A shoulder tap draws my attention, "You get any of this?" Hahaku asks. [A period, not a comma after "attention"]
"Not a damn clue," the bickering of lords is beyond me. [There should not be a closed quote after "clue" the same person is still speaking. You do not, for some reason, have a closed quote anywhere in that paragraph, though you desperately need one, probably after "deal with this new weapon".]
My nails dig deep, and I feel warm liquid seeping between my fingers. [This seems a little overly dramatic.]
"Very well, Iona, please escort Hunter to the Estate." [Ah-ha! At last, I am introduced to the "I" in this chapter. This means that Iona is the main character, the protagonist. This also means that nothing can take place (for the reader's benefit) unless she is present to describe it. When Iona leaves the room, nothing can be described as happening in that room while Iona is gone. And at no time can you (the writer) have the luxury of getting into the minds of the other characters. Ever. That is the supreme disadvantage of using the 1st person POV. That said, there are so many advantages when used correctly.]
I can't help but laugh to myself. "Thank you for escorting me, Iona." [So, Iona is saying to herself, "Thank you for escorting me, Iona." ? Again, shouldn't there be a new paragraph.]
Well, Rinshikai, I hope you don't feel I came down too hard on you. My intent, if I couldn't help you, was never to hurt you. But I believe by making the changes I suggest in the chapter you can't help but improve its readability. Truly, I feel you're a gifted writer and with your open and inviting attitude, you can't help but improve.
Jay
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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I love your attitude of asking for help. I've been writing for better than 65 years and I know that with that attitude in your heart, you will excel. You have already gained a lot of experience and skill-sets. You handle writing in the present tense (which is one of the most difficult to write in) admirably. I only found one instance when you slipped into the past tense. I was expecting far more.
You are an excellent writer. Your plot is engaging. You handle pace well so that your action doesn't sag, then tighten, then sag again. You have good timing in your dialogue, though you tend to be a little careless in leaving off some quotation marks. But those are correctable.
That said, you make it very difficult, with all your characters, to transition between them. I believe that is intentional, as a part of your technique. It's always imperative, however, to keep in mind that you know very well what is happening with each character ... so well, in fact, that you don't make it entirely clear to the reader. For that reason, I got quite confused in the beginning, and so indicated.
Here are my notes as I went along in my reading:
"Those Stags are native to the Northern forests," a new voice enters MY {caps are mine} ears. [This change in this paragraph from the 3rd person point of view of the soldier. So far, it's unclear in this chapter if he is the p.o.v. protagonist, or not, But clearly, with the above sentence and the remainder of that paragraph, the P.O.V changes to the 1st person. Whenever that happens the 1st person always trumps all other POVs because it is omniscient. More on that in a moment.]
The stranger continues walking until he stands over the Empire painted on the floor. "Hunter, my lords." [You revert back to the 3rd person, but clearly, he seems the same as the 1st person narrator. This is very confusing to the reader.]
Silent words passed among those gathered, [Here you lapsed into the past tense, out of the present tense it had been heretofore.]
My heart jumps into my throat, but I swallow it after my shock subsides. [Again, after Hunter makes the fire change colors, we are back with the 1st person narrative. And therein is one of the reasons for my confusion. The 1st person narrator's observations are in the same paragraph as the description of Hunter's action that elicited them. You should have changed paragraphs. Don't make it harder than you need to for the reader to understand.
A shoulder tap draws my attention, "You get any of this?" Hahaku asks. [A period, not a comma after "attention"]
"Not a damn clue," the bickering of lords is beyond me. [There should not be a closed quote after "clue" the same person is still speaking. You do not, for some reason, have a closed quote anywhere in that paragraph, though you desperately need one, probably after "deal with this new weapon".]
My nails dig deep, and I feel warm liquid seeping between my fingers. [This seems a little overly dramatic.]
"Very well, Iona, please escort Hunter to the Estate." [Ah-ha! At last, I am introduced to the "I" in this chapter. This means that Iona is the main character, the protagonist. This also means that nothing can take place (for the reader's benefit) unless she is present to describe it. When Iona leaves the room, nothing can be described as happening in that room while Iona is gone. And at no time can you (the writer) have the luxury of getting into the minds of the other characters. Ever. That is the supreme disadvantage of using the 1st person POV. That said, there are so many advantages when used correctly.]
I can't help but laugh to myself. "Thank you for escorting me, Iona." [So, Iona is saying to herself, "Thank you for escorting me, Iona." ? Again, shouldn't there be a new paragraph.]
Well, Rinshikai, I hope you don't feel I came down too hard on you. My intent, if I couldn't help you, was never to hurt you. But I believe by making the changes I suggest in the chapter you can't help but improve its readability. Truly, I feel you're a gifted writer and with your open and inviting attitude, you can't help but improve.
Jay
Comment Written 22-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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Thank you so much for this feedback Jay. You don't have to worry about being too hard on me. Reviews like yours are the reason I keep posting. I'll go back and try and make work more clear. I didn't realize I was going into the third person.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I believe I read one or two earlier chapters. It might help if you list a cast of characters so I can get a memory jolt. One line has a problem maybe. The stranger . . . over the (Emperor?).
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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I believe I read one or two earlier chapters. It might help if you list a cast of characters so I can get a memory jolt. One line has a problem maybe. The stranger . . . over the (Emperor?).
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Thanks you for taking the time to read my work. Creating a cast sheet does sound like a good idea. Should I do that as a different piece?
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I would put it in the box at the end of each chapter as it seems to expand as needed. I have a few notes about some and will add more as they become more involved in my YA novel, Starward Trail.
