Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Summons"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Jeff Watkins
I would start by cutting the deadwood out of the first paragraph and making the irony explicit. The reader will not understand the irony because you tell him/her there is a irony. So the paragraph might look like this:
The chainmail and plates hugging my body, and the leather shielding my arms remind me of a pig wearing the finery of a gentleman. I'm supposed to look like an Imperial officer, but what I see is me.
The sword, etc complete the charade.
Tip of the spear and forging a path repeat a concept. I suggest delete the spear.
In the last paragraph, delete the trotting.
Delete obeying her brother. The reader will understand that she is obeying.
You are too much in love with words. Mark Twain reportedly said something like "If i had more time, I would have used fewer words." There is a difference between words and information. Deadwood is an obstacle to information. Jeff
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2022
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I would start by cutting the deadwood out of the first paragraph and making the irony explicit. The reader will not understand the irony because you tell him/her there is a irony. So the paragraph might look like this:
The chainmail and plates hugging my body, and the leather shielding my arms remind me of a pig wearing the finery of a gentleman. I'm supposed to look like an Imperial officer, but what I see is me.
The sword, etc complete the charade.
Tip of the spear and forging a path repeat a concept. I suggest delete the spear.
In the last paragraph, delete the trotting.
Delete obeying her brother. The reader will understand that she is obeying.
You are too much in love with words. Mark Twain reportedly said something like "If i had more time, I would have used fewer words." There is a difference between words and information. Deadwood is an obstacle to information. Jeff
Comment Written 24-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2022
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Thank you for this review Jeff Watkin. It helped a great deal. Now I know another thing to look out for when writing
Comment from Ricky1024
This is my first review.
So, a little bit confusing to me.
I did like the beginning when you described the full armor of the female character.
But the endings a little bit confused.
Yes, but I guess you'll allow in the future the reviewer to know what's going on.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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This is my first review.
So, a little bit confusing to me.
I did like the beginning when you described the full armor of the female character.
But the endings a little bit confused.
Yes, but I guess you'll allow in the future the reviewer to know what's going on.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 23-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2022
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Hello Ricky1024, thank you for taking the time to read this chapter of my book. To answer your question, yes, the ending is meant to flow into the next chapter. I'll try and make this chapter a little less confusing.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I honestly can't find anything I dislike about this chapter. I do like the way you ended the chapter as it makes the reader look forward to what happens in the next chapter. Nicely written.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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I honestly can't find anything I dislike about this chapter. I do like the way you ended the chapter as it makes the reader look forward to what happens in the next chapter. Nicely written.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed my work.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
If this is the first half of the chapter and "Summons" is the second half, this half is easier to understand. This has fewer people interacting, I think. Two things you might wish to change are: Have your people (been) able . . . . . . late husband('s) co-conspirators . . .
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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If this is the first half of the chapter and "Summons" is the second half, this half is easier to understand. This has fewer people interacting, I think. Two things you might wish to change are: Have your people (been) able . . . . . . late husband('s) co-conspirators . . .
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Sorry, Summons is chapter 12 and Ever-Changing is chapter 13. Thanks again for the feedback.
