Showdown at Tootsie's Saloon
A two-timing cowboy gets what he deserves.7 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
Lola sure learned fast how to deal with cowboys. She was lucky to have Tootsie. She will do fine. Will Joe Bob ever find out the truth?
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy
dp
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Lola sure learned fast how to deal with cowboys. She was lucky to have Tootsie. She will do fine. Will Joe Bob ever find out the truth?
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy
dp
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your review!
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No problem,
dp
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Good story.
and he meant every word of it; not like some of - comma, not semicolon which requires a complete sentence on each side.
"Four months," she sobbed. He said he was a lonely widower. - needs quotes before He said.
I scoffed. You know what they say, - needs quotes before You know
and nail it to the wall. - needs closing quotes
"Uh Oh, he's headed this way." - co cap for 'Oh'
I stopped critiquing at this point.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Good story.
and he meant every word of it; not like some of - comma, not semicolon which requires a complete sentence on each side.
"Four months," she sobbed. He said he was a lonely widower. - needs quotes before He said.
I scoffed. You know what they say, - needs quotes before You know
and nail it to the wall. - needs closing quotes
"Uh Oh, he's headed this way." - co cap for 'Oh'
I stopped critiquing at this point.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Thanks for taking the time to review and critique. I definitely need to work on punctuation!
Comment from Ricky1024
This is a western writing contest entry.
I liked it the way you brought the characters into the plot.
Especially when you introduced yourself as Tootsie!
...
I will admit it was a little bit long but that didn't take away from it interest during my review.
This was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Good luck with this one.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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This is a western writing contest entry.
I liked it the way you brought the characters into the plot.
Especially when you introduced yourself as Tootsie!
...
I will admit it was a little bit long but that didn't take away from it interest during my review.
This was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Good luck with this one.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your feedback and the six stars!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Some good writing in here in parts. I did think though that if this hadn't been labelled as western fiction and a couple identified as cowboys, this could have taken place anywhere or any when.
Thanks to cattle prices, this year business has been good; - I'd move the comma to after year. it doesn't scan right.
. Bubba Johnson, a flibbergibbet who usually has the attention- do you mean flibbertigibbet?
He doesn't seem to miss the Clementine too much,- maybe delete 'the' from in front of the name.
just to get an eye full.- eyeful can be a single word here.
It may a character affectation but this is riddled with cliches.
He said he was a lonely widower. How could he lie about a thing like that?"- need opening speech marks here.
You know what they say, 'The secret to success with women is sincerity, if a guy can fake that he's got it made.'" - here as well.
I took one look at the green ring the bracelet left on her wrist and had to tell her, "Lola, that's not gold, it's- should really be a period after her rather than a comma as it isn't a proceeding speech tag.
he'd tan his sorry hide and nail it to the wall. - need closing speech marks here.
"Now, Lola," I cautioned, "Remember what happened the last time- the dialogue following the speech tag should be lower case as it's continuing dialogue where the first part hasn't been closed off by end punctuation.
"Okay," she agreed, "But wait just a minute." - same thing here.
"There," she said, "Now you can send - and here, too.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Hi there,
Some good writing in here in parts. I did think though that if this hadn't been labelled as western fiction and a couple identified as cowboys, this could have taken place anywhere or any when.
Thanks to cattle prices, this year business has been good; - I'd move the comma to after year. it doesn't scan right.
. Bubba Johnson, a flibbergibbet who usually has the attention- do you mean flibbertigibbet?
He doesn't seem to miss the Clementine too much,- maybe delete 'the' from in front of the name.
just to get an eye full.- eyeful can be a single word here.
It may a character affectation but this is riddled with cliches.
He said he was a lonely widower. How could he lie about a thing like that?"- need opening speech marks here.
You know what they say, 'The secret to success with women is sincerity, if a guy can fake that he's got it made.'" - here as well.
I took one look at the green ring the bracelet left on her wrist and had to tell her, "Lola, that's not gold, it's- should really be a period after her rather than a comma as it isn't a proceeding speech tag.
he'd tan his sorry hide and nail it to the wall. - need closing speech marks here.
"Now, Lola," I cautioned, "Remember what happened the last time- the dialogue following the speech tag should be lower case as it's continuing dialogue where the first part hasn't been closed off by end punctuation.
"Okay," she agreed, "But wait just a minute." - same thing here.
"There," she said, "Now you can send - and here, too.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate the time you took to provide detailed feedback on punctuation, etc. Very helpful.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
For me to read a story I need to scan the entirity of it first, and eliminate the longer ones. Life is too short and yours was neither short but edgingly not too long. I glad the coin flip fell in your favor because your story favored me. Funny. Realistic to how I imagined the old West was and how the barkeeps kept them drinks a coming. Brilliant.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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For me to read a story I need to scan the entirity of it first, and eliminate the longer ones. Life is too short and yours was neither short but edgingly not too long. I glad the coin flip fell in your favor because your story favored me. Funny. Realistic to how I imagined the old West was and how the barkeeps kept them drinks a coming. Brilliant.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your review!
Comment from Susan Newell
This is a well-written story with a vengeful ending. I was suspicious about the water substitute when Lola was drinking him off the stool. I was also a little confused as to the time period. At first I thought it would be nineteenth century, but when mentioned mixing drinks and then calling the wife, I knew we had to be at least into the twentieth century. Some more clarity on that might be helpful. Otherwise, very well done.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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This is a well-written story with a vengeful ending. I was suspicious about the water substitute when Lola was drinking him off the stool. I was also a little confused as to the time period. At first I thought it would be nineteenth century, but when mentioned mixing drinks and then calling the wife, I knew we had to be at least into the twentieth century. Some more clarity on that might be helpful. Otherwise, very well done.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your review!
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You are welcome.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a fine piece of writing. There are some excellent lines in it. I particularly loved:
you have curves in places where most women don't even have places
Furthermore the story is excellent, as is the flow. Thanks for a great read (and this from someone who's not really a fan of Western)
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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This is a fine piece of writing. There are some excellent lines in it. I particularly loved:
you have curves in places where most women don't even have places
Furthermore the story is excellent, as is the flow. Thanks for a great read (and this from someone who's not really a fan of Western)
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your review!
