Heart Crafted Poems - 2022
Viewing comments for Chapter 107 "Sweetgrass"Musings of an old man - 2022
33 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
Nicely done my friend, but beware the adjective, so go easy (succulent) when not entirely needed.
I like your work. Always a pleasure to read, why I give a little insight to thoughts..
Though one cannot help sometimes, always strive to write this kind of work in present. It is always more dynamic and impactful, than past tense. One of the old age secrets of poetry.
Sometime, of course, when called for, fine to write in past tense, especially prose, yet, this sort of poem always good to write in present tense.
As soon as I read your opening, something hit me;
''Sun rays warmed the swirling floating mist
carrying the heavy smell of the dank sandy beach
drifting gently inland.''
Have a little look and tell me what you think, when changing the opening to present tense:
''Sun rays warm the swirling mist
carrying the heavy smell of the dank sandy beach
drifting gently inland.''
I removed the adjective 'floating' as one would say...cake on cake...sweet enough one cake, sometimes no need if only for the sake of an extra adjective. yet...a lovely write.
Always like to read your work.
Good luck in the free verse club, always good to take on more knowledge.
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Nicely done my friend, but beware the adjective, so go easy (succulent) when not entirely needed.
I like your work. Always a pleasure to read, why I give a little insight to thoughts..
Though one cannot help sometimes, always strive to write this kind of work in present. It is always more dynamic and impactful, than past tense. One of the old age secrets of poetry.
Sometime, of course, when called for, fine to write in past tense, especially prose, yet, this sort of poem always good to write in present tense.
As soon as I read your opening, something hit me;
''Sun rays warmed the swirling floating mist
carrying the heavy smell of the dank sandy beach
drifting gently inland.''
Have a little look and tell me what you think, when changing the opening to present tense:
''Sun rays warm the swirling mist
carrying the heavy smell of the dank sandy beach
drifting gently inland.''
I removed the adjective 'floating' as one would say...cake on cake...sweet enough one cake, sometimes no need if only for the sake of an extra adjective. yet...a lovely write.
Always like to read your work.
Good luck in the free verse club, always good to take on more knowledge.
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Awesome, input, know that I am very gateful!
Comment from Verna Cole Mitchell
The combined senses described here--sight, touch, smell, and taste, along with emotion, drew me in to the field of sweet water, and made me think that I'd like a cup of coffee, too.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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The combined senses described here--sight, touch, smell, and taste, along with emotion, drew me in to the field of sweet water, and made me think that I'd like a cup of coffee, too.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Verna, thank you for your review
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your words flow smoothly with great imagery. I could see everything you mentioned and the smells were described well. I would love to be in a place where this would all come floating to my nose. The image is a good pairing with your well thought out words.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Your words flow smoothly with great imagery. I could see everything you mentioned and the smells were described well. I would love to be in a place where this would all come floating to my nose. The image is a good pairing with your well thought out words.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Yes a walk in this scene would be envigorating.
Comment from dragonpoet
JLR,
This poem uses imagery well with a lot of the senses. The smell of vanilla would put me in mind of a vanilla shake or icecream.
It is a good answer to the free verse club prompt
Keep writing and stay heatlhy
Joan
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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JLR,
This poem uses imagery well with a lot of the senses. The smell of vanilla would put me in mind of a vanilla shake or icecream.
It is a good answer to the free verse club prompt
Keep writing and stay heatlhy
Joan
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Joan, thanks!
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You're welcome, JLR.
Joan
Comment from poetwatch
You do have the imagination to bring to mind, walking on a sandy beach, JLR. :) At the present time, it's cold outside, but I can also feel the sand beneath my feet and smell the dank ocean breeze. I miss it locked away in my home, yet, I'm enjoying my life reading poetry and writers from all parts of the world. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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You do have the imagination to bring to mind, walking on a sandy beach, JLR. :) At the present time, it's cold outside, but I can also feel the sand beneath my feet and smell the dank ocean breeze. I miss it locked away in my home, yet, I'm enjoying my life reading poetry and writers from all parts of the world. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Thank you foe sharing your world and isn't this why FS is such a grat site. We can travel the world through the words of so many talented writers.
Comment from Paul McFarland
This is a really good job with free verse. You have got me smelling the vanilla beans. I've got to leave my computer and go upstairs and make a cup of coffee.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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This is a really good job with free verse. You have got me smelling the vanilla beans. I've got to leave my computer and go upstairs and make a cup of coffee.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Smiling back Paul, thank you!
Comment from damommy
I love the smells when walking on the beach. The water, grasses, and flowers all combine to stir the senses. You have expressed it very nicely. A good answer to the challenge.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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I love the smells when walking on the beach. The water, grasses, and flowers all combine to stir the senses. You have expressed it very nicely. A good answer to the challenge.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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I do thank you for your comments.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a beautiful write filled with magical imagery and emotion, not to mention the sweet smelling aromas, well described and ambient, a fine poem that filled me with joy, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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This is a beautiful write filled with magical imagery and emotion, not to mention the sweet smelling aromas, well described and ambient, a fine poem that filled me with joy, love Dolly x
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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dolly, I am so very honored by your generous six-stars!
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Well deserved x x x
Comment from Debra White
Hello JLR :)
This is a lovely read. A treat for the senses!
Your imagery is absolutely beautiful. I can see those dunes adorned with sweet grass, blowing in the breeze - that 'barren terrain in a sea of motion' - what a gorgeous string of words right there.
You awaken not only my minds eye, but I can taste that sea salt too and smell the beach and vanilla.
Thank you.
Best wishes, Debra
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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Hello JLR :)
This is a lovely read. A treat for the senses!
Your imagery is absolutely beautiful. I can see those dunes adorned with sweet grass, blowing in the breeze - that 'barren terrain in a sea of motion' - what a gorgeous string of words right there.
You awaken not only my minds eye, but I can taste that sea salt too and smell the beach and vanilla.
Thank you.
Best wishes, Debra
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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Debra, my goodness, thank you so very much!
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of your work reminisces a protagonist's cherished flaunting of a medley of aromas.
The work highlights the smell coming from the sea as well as the flowering sweetgrass; and how their collision got him dreaming and longing for a hot cup of coffee.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of similes, alliterations and metaphors.
Excellent work. Bravo.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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The objective correlative of your work reminisces a protagonist's cherished flaunting of a medley of aromas.
The work highlights the smell coming from the sea as well as the flowering sweetgrass; and how their collision got him dreaming and longing for a hot cup of coffee.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of similes, alliterations and metaphors.
Excellent work. Bravo.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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Lloyd, thanks for partaking of my words ...
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Remain Blessed.
