Carter's Run
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Open Door"The lives of a teacher and teen collide.
6 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
It a tricky proposition starting with a dream sequence, it has become something of a cliche and runs the risk of alienating readers early on.
movie was olderâ?"the clothes were outdatedâ?"but - code needs edited out from here
a second time.Ã? With a tap of the remote, - here, too.
s he reached the entryway, he glanced at a large mirror hanging on the living room wall and frowned. I- again, using mirrors or reflective surfaces in order to provide a description of the character has become a cliche.
"Hey, Mr. Fowler." The boy muttered. - following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. ideally the end punctuation before the closing speech marks would be a comma rather than a period as well.
The one thing the dream sequence did was although us to see a little bit of Nick's backstory & characteristics.
It's a good stopping point but Nick's being a bit dodgy letting a child into his condo...
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2022
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It a tricky proposition starting with a dream sequence, it has become something of a cliche and runs the risk of alienating readers early on.
movie was olderâ?"the clothes were outdatedâ?"but - code needs edited out from here
a second time.Ã? With a tap of the remote, - here, too.
s he reached the entryway, he glanced at a large mirror hanging on the living room wall and frowned. I- again, using mirrors or reflective surfaces in order to provide a description of the character has become a cliche.
"Hey, Mr. Fowler." The boy muttered. - following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. ideally the end punctuation before the closing speech marks would be a comma rather than a period as well.
The one thing the dream sequence did was although us to see a little bit of Nick's backstory & characteristics.
It's a good stopping point but Nick's being a bit dodgy letting a child into his condo...
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 29-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your sharp eye and observations. I thouight I'd gone through and gotten rid of that pesky code, but think I'll bribe my seeing-eye daughter into coming over and going through it for me. lol. She's always good with a cup of coffe-something-or-other from the shop down the street. :)
Thanks again!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
So far I'm good with it. The part where we 'wakes up' from his dream/nightmare was a little fuzzy, though. I think that part needs a better transition - this part:
It entered his mind that this was all wrong. George Wilson was no longer a student; he'd gone to school with Nick.
--> I think what you're saying is that he's having a flashback of sorts to when he was the skinny 90-pound weakling? A better explanation would help that (IMO)
Other:
1.) In each of the following places, Evil Eddie zapped you - need to edit out those extra symbols
--> The movie was olderâ?"the clothes were outdatedâ?"but
--> and rose to his feet as the bell chimed a second time.Ã?
Thanks!
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Deb,
So far I'm good with it. The part where we 'wakes up' from his dream/nightmare was a little fuzzy, though. I think that part needs a better transition - this part:
It entered his mind that this was all wrong. George Wilson was no longer a student; he'd gone to school with Nick.
--> I think what you're saying is that he's having a flashback of sorts to when he was the skinny 90-pound weakling? A better explanation would help that (IMO)
Other:
1.) In each of the following places, Evil Eddie zapped you - need to edit out those extra symbols
--> The movie was olderâ?"the clothes were outdatedâ?"but
--> and rose to his feet as the bell chimed a second time.Ã?
Thanks!
Comment Written 25-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Thank you, Robyn. You are right about the transition. I thought about it last night and had it perfect in my head... Right up until I tried to type it out this morning.. Teach me to wait! lol.
I'll fix the evils and work on that transition. I'll be posting the second part of ch 1 tomorrow, so hope you'll hang in there. :)
May I list you as an editor for the books I publish that you've worked on?
Blessings and hugs,
Deb
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Certainly. I'd be most pleased.
Comment from lyenochka
Thanks for the mention and good for you to remove the "digital dust" and give this story new life. I always like a story about a teacher who really cares.
My only experiences with condos involve getting through a security desk and the doors face inner hallways so no wind is felt. So that was new to me to imagine an outside facing condo door.
I found this sentence confusing: " George Wilson was no longer a student; he'd gone to school with Nick." So was this a flashback? Was that another bully like George? OR was George really as old as Nick? -- It does clear up later as I read it was a dream but the transition could be smoother, I think.
Those awful characters here "olderâ?"the clothes were outdatedâ?" and "chimed a second time.� "
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thanks for the mention and good for you to remove the "digital dust" and give this story new life. I always like a story about a teacher who really cares.
My only experiences with condos involve getting through a security desk and the doors face inner hallways so no wind is felt. So that was new to me to imagine an outside facing condo door.
I found this sentence confusing: " George Wilson was no longer a student; he'd gone to school with Nick." So was this a flashback? Was that another bully like George? OR was George really as old as Nick? -- It does clear up later as I read it was a dream but the transition could be smoother, I think.
Those awful characters here "olderâ?"the clothes were outdatedâ?" and "chimed a second time.� "
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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AUGH! lol. That crazy editor or translator or software... Whatever it is. I'll go fix that after our writer's group meeting tonight. It's our first and I'm a co-leader, so I'm a bit nervous... but also excited.
Thanks, Helen. I appreciate the finds you pointed out. I'll look at smoothing out that transition. My goal was to make it as disconcerting (?) as waking from a vivid dream, but if it didn't work, I'll change it. And find those silly weird characters and replace them. Many thanks!
Blessings,
Deb
Oh - the next anthology is a kid's book -- stories and poems. The deadline isnt' for about six weeks. :) Hope you'll join us!
Comment from AJ McCall
WOW. I hope to write like you someday, Deb! Your description and the way it flows throughout the entire chapter are amazing! And forget digital dust - this is a digital masterpiece!!! I love this and will be returning to look this over for notes for my own writing, lol. If that's fine. Great chapter. LOVE IT!
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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WOW. I hope to write like you someday, Deb! Your description and the way it flows throughout the entire chapter are amazing! And forget digital dust - this is a digital masterpiece!!! I love this and will be returning to look this over for notes for my own writing, lol. If that's fine. Great chapter. LOVE IT!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Asha, you are TOO kind. :) I do appreciate those encouraging words and the rating, though. lol
Book recommendation for you -- The Destiny Theif by Richard Russo. It's a book for writers by a Pulitzer Prize winner. I don't agree with everything in the book, but he made me truly think through some decisions I've made in my 'career' of writing and retarget some ideas. I guess we can blame him for me blowing the dust off this one and making it alive again. Anyhow, if you have time, it's on Overdrive (library app) in both ebook and audio.
Blessings, sweet friend!
Deb
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You're SUPER welcome, Deb! I will check out that book. And hopefully it'll keep me from ever blowing dust off anything, lol
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent story my friend! The imagery is perfect and the characters interact nicely together and the storyline is interesting and captivating and held my attention throughout the piece;-)
Thanks for sharing this well written piece with us and may God bless you and your family this New Year;-)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Excellent story my friend! The imagery is perfect and the characters interact nicely together and the storyline is interesting and captivating and held my attention throughout the piece;-)
Thanks for sharing this well written piece with us and may God bless you and your family this New Year;-)
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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And God's richest blessings for you and yours this year, as well, Melodie. Thank you!
Deb
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;-)
Comment from Jay Squires
Superb story, Debora. Crisp, modern (with the no conclusion ending), and well-edited. You seem to be one (judging from the editing) who is a stickler for making the reader's experience paramount. You've done that here. For that reason, I should point out that the FS editnazi has been at it again, this time with your story:. FS seems to be one of the few sites that has trouble controlling HTML . There's no shortcut to fixing it. You have to go back into edit mode and correct the error. (For shame Tom!) Anyway, I thought you'd profit from correcting it, Debby. Hope you don't mind if I follow you. (No, I'm not a stalker!)
Jay
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Superb story, Debora. Crisp, modern (with the no conclusion ending), and well-edited. You seem to be one (judging from the editing) who is a stickler for making the reader's experience paramount. You've done that here. For that reason, I should point out that the FS editnazi has been at it again, this time with your story:
Jay
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Lol! Well, as long as you're not a stalker...
I'm honored, Jay. I have been so sparotic here, but have seen several wins with your name attached. I appreciate you pointing out the errors and will (try to) get over there today and fix them. I could blame the vision impairment and the program, but I think today I'll just let the programming take the blow. lol
Hey... You have a cousin in Brady, right? I remember because you said you were told that Brady was the center of the state, not because I'M a stalker. And we're both right, by the way, because the center is between us. Anyhow...
Blessings and many thanks,
Debby
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Oh, yes, I forgot I said that about Brady. My aunt and uncle and their son lived in Brady where Uncle Charlie owned a dry cleaning establishment and they owned or rented a room above it. Except for the one time Kenny (my cousin) took me on a double-date with a 13-year-old (I was about 14), who pulled out an old fashioned bottle opener, with the sharp end and told me if I had any ideas she would cut me to ribbons, and I didn't even hold her hand after that... I spent my whole vacation in that upstairs room with a large fan and no airconditioning, or downstairs in the oldfashioned drug store where I bought comics and drank sody-pop, as my cousin called it. Alas, my cousin died about 10 years ago from dementia, and I don't even know if Brady still exists.
You are welcome for the help, Debora.
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Brady is still there, growing unexpectedly. My husband and his dad owned a ranch just outside Brady, in a tiny hamlet called Voca. Imagine -- Brady was the big town they drove into for groceries! lol. They left there in 84, I believe, just in time for us to meet and marry in the summer of 85. A LONG time ago! But we're all still here -- Brady, Brownwood, Steve and me. :) And YOU!
