Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Uninvited into the Underworld"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
8 total reviews
Comment from Alaskastory
"Uninvited into the Underworld" moves with progressive action for Luke. The girl on street was shown well and his reaction to the cop.
Part of one sentence: She was a good actress as a hooker(, and) (And) a young cop who....
I think you need a slight mention what the girl does after: "... That's why he paid me."
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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"Uninvited into the Underworld" moves with progressive action for Luke. The girl on street was shown well and his reaction to the cop.
Part of one sentence: She was a good actress as a hooker(, and) (And) a young cop who....
I think you need a slight mention what the girl does after: "... That's why he paid me."
Comment Written 06-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Thanks so much Marie.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
I could appreciate this poor guy and his ongoing search for his daughter, but I'm not sure how real this feels. I'm afraid this comes across as more like make-believe than a real story - I don't think you've jumped firmly into this dad's skin. (sorry!) You also seem to keep falling back on the same descriptions for this seedy area of the city - 'underbelly', for example.
I also didn't understand why the cop would flip on his lights and come up to him when it was CLEAR that no action took place between him and the supposed prostitute - that needs some work. Maybe if she gets in the car and goes with him. They talk - he offers her money and all the cops are thinking something different and THEN the lights come on. Afterward, he can explain to them about his daughter.
I also don't know that he would care if they found out about his background. I mean, this is his DAUGHTER, right? Who cares?
Other:
1.) As Luke drove his (C)hevy muscle car
2.) He pulled over to a curb, as the sun/set over the river
3.) In the shadows a young girl emerged.
--> From
4.) checkerboard outfits, like (a)(C)atholic (S)chool (uniform).
5.) undercover officer his old girlfriend(')s name and address
6.) and take off? Here and now is matters.
--> edit for clarity
7.) The look on officer Pete's face (had) only fueled Luke's desire
--> sometimes you are capping 'officer' and sometimes not -be consistent. But I don't know why you are calling him this anyway. It sounds a little awkward. If he had a title, sure - like Sergeant Pete Walters - then call him Sergeant Pete, maybe. But I've never heard anyone repeatedly refer to a cop like this.
Hope this helps - thanks!
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Stan,
I could appreciate this poor guy and his ongoing search for his daughter, but I'm not sure how real this feels. I'm afraid this comes across as more like make-believe than a real story - I don't think you've jumped firmly into this dad's skin. (sorry!) You also seem to keep falling back on the same descriptions for this seedy area of the city - 'underbelly', for example.
I also didn't understand why the cop would flip on his lights and come up to him when it was CLEAR that no action took place between him and the supposed prostitute - that needs some work. Maybe if she gets in the car and goes with him. They talk - he offers her money and all the cops are thinking something different and THEN the lights come on. Afterward, he can explain to them about his daughter.
I also don't know that he would care if they found out about his background. I mean, this is his DAUGHTER, right? Who cares?
Other:
1.) As Luke drove his (C)hevy muscle car
2.) He pulled over to a curb, as the sun/set over the river
3.) In the shadows a young girl emerged.
--> From
4.) checkerboard outfits, like (a)(C)atholic (S)chool (uniform).
5.) undercover officer his old girlfriend(')s name and address
6.) and take off? Here and now is matters.
--> edit for clarity
7.) The look on officer Pete's face (had) only fueled Luke's desire
--> sometimes you are capping 'officer' and sometimes not -be consistent. But I don't know why you are calling him this anyway. It sounds a little awkward. If he had a title, sure - like Sergeant Pete Walters - then call him Sergeant Pete, maybe. But I've never heard anyone repeatedly refer to a cop like this.
Hope this helps - thanks!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
Comment from Ben Colder
Excellent. I can see this folding as my mind drifts to an old Micky Spline novel. Shame, Buffalo would be stupe to this level but I suppose it is like many. Good one Stan. Out of six.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Excellent. I can see this folding as my mind drifts to an old Micky Spline novel. Shame, Buffalo would be stupe to this level but I suppose it is like many. Good one Stan. Out of six.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Thanks Ben. Hope all is well with you.
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Getting novel ready for Ghostwriters. Hope the same for you.
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A ghost writer? I always need heavy editing for my books. I'm getting ready to put out a psychological thriller soon. Its been a while for me. Let me know when it comes out so I can give you a review and try to help create a buzz. Blessings around the Bend!
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I will.
Comment from BethShelby
What a horrible place for young girls to end up. Kids are so vulnerable and the wrong people can use them. Some come from homes where no one cares and others just want to get a away from home so they can do as they please. It was be a nightmare for a parent to have a child lost in this mess.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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What a horrible place for young girls to end up. Kids are so vulnerable and the wrong people can use them. Some come from homes where no one cares and others just want to get a away from home so they can do as they please. It was be a nightmare for a parent to have a child lost in this mess.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Thanks too for this Beth. I'm sorry to say so late.
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of your work reminisces a loving father's search for his lost daughter.
The work highlights his aimless search into the city of Buffalo; his encounter with the young girl from the alley, which culminates with his encounter with Officer Pete and the seeming complexity of the search.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of exploratory anecdotes.
Excellent work. Bravo.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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The objective correlative of your work reminisces a loving father's search for his lost daughter.
The work highlights his aimless search into the city of Buffalo; his encounter with the young girl from the alley, which culminates with his encounter with Officer Pete and the seeming complexity of the search.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of exploratory anecdotes.
Excellent work. Bravo.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Thanks so much. Sorry I'm late to show my appreciation.
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Remain Blessed.
Comment from royowen
With Luke hot onto the trail of his missing daughter, and overall he's not having a huge amount of success, he comes across a lady, who is maybe knowing or has seen her in the photo he's got a photo of. Perhaps he's getting closer, he's getting into the underbelly of Buffalo, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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With Luke hot onto the trail of his missing daughter, and overall he's not having a huge amount of success, he comes across a lady, who is maybe knowing or has seen her in the photo he's got a photo of. Perhaps he's getting closer, he's getting into the underbelly of Buffalo, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Thanks for this too Roy.
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Most welcome
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My pleasure
Comment from Allezw2
Why not name the vehicle? Muscle car is likely not a familiar term among the body of your potential readers. You might have chosen a year and model, "... a '61 Chevy Impala with the high performance (racing?) 409 ... ."
"... against the current ..." makes his car sound like a boat on the river. Perhaps something more like "... He drove north opposite the river's southerly flow."
He pulled over to a curb, as the sunset (sun set) over the river behind the abandoned buildings and alleyways full of trash and broken glass. Or is it something like [seeing] the sun set over the river ..."
Otherwise, it is an incomplete sentence. It is a long sentence that might be broken into a couple of sentences to better focus on the subject
The story line is good and the characterization needs some thought.
Give me a jingle if you think so and want to edit you fine work.
Live long and write well,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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Why not name the vehicle? Muscle car is likely not a familiar term among the body of your potential readers. You might have chosen a year and model, "... a '61 Chevy Impala with the high performance (racing?) 409 ... ."
"... against the current ..." makes his car sound like a boat on the river. Perhaps something more like "... He drove north opposite the river's southerly flow."
He pulled over to a curb, as the sunset (sun set) over the river behind the abandoned buildings and alleyways full of trash and broken glass. Or is it something like [seeing] the sun set over the river ..."
Otherwise, it is an incomplete sentence. It is a long sentence that might be broken into a couple of sentences to better focus on the subject
The story line is good and the characterization needs some thought.
Give me a jingle if you think so and want to edit you fine work.
Live long and write well,
Fantasist
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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I appreciate the editing help. Always. The car has been detailed in previous chapters. Unfortunately, I would be redundant repeating certain details. Thanks for a fresh perspective. Always appreciate editing help.
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Understood, thank you for the clarification.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
It's hard to find someone that was pushed to the point of no return, but sometimes there is hope. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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It's hard to find someone that was pushed to the point of no return, but sometimes there is hope. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Thanks, Iza. Sorry I was late letting you know.
