Shattered Words
Frank Ryan never gave up.11 total reviews
Comment from Giftedone.Eric Wallace .
Wish you well I know you got more stories to tell so I'll sit and wait and anticipate thanks again my friend stay focused and dedicated thanks again for sharing this read
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reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Wish you well I know you got more stories to tell so I'll sit and wait and anticipate thanks again my friend stay focused and dedicated thanks again for sharing this read
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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I'm so sorry my work did not entertain you above the level you issued, but I do thank you for reading my story.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a good piece and I think there will definitely be a market for it.
Frank Ryan sat on the chair, nervously clasping and unclasping his hands several times, - I would omit the adverb here. You've showed the reader he's nervous by the hand wringing/clasping, by using the adverb you're telling the reader as well. i would have that opening line something akin to 'Frank Ryan fidgeted in his chair, clasping and unclasping his hands.' this would show it more so you don't have to say it.
The descriptions of Frank's early life all wring very true, which isn't surprising given I've read your little bio. I work with kids like this (for over 28 years).
and that's all he had to do but believe in himself.- maybe just that rather than that's.
As the years passed, Frank continued the ridicule from his peers,- perhaps change continued to endured?
His heart breaking like glass shattering.- maybe make this stronger - His heart shattering like broken glass (it's a little change but important).
"What bright suggestion do you have?" Frank snickered.- maybe not use snickered here, it means to laugh which I'm not sure is the right intention here.
His sibling remained silent momentarily when suddenly his mouth- be wary of using adverbs close together. here you could say 'remained silent for a few moments'.
Frank nodded as his courage enlightened to accomplish his goal.- enlightened may not be the best choice of word here. try something like emboldened.
"We should call it quits for today, Paul said. - missing closing speech marks here.
Although that day, Frank smiled as he received his medical degree, and whispering to his father, "Yes, I can."
- use whispered rather than whispering.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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Hi there,
This is a good piece and I think there will definitely be a market for it.
Frank Ryan sat on the chair, nervously clasping and unclasping his hands several times, - I would omit the adverb here. You've showed the reader he's nervous by the hand wringing/clasping, by using the adverb you're telling the reader as well. i would have that opening line something akin to 'Frank Ryan fidgeted in his chair, clasping and unclasping his hands.' this would show it more so you don't have to say it.
The descriptions of Frank's early life all wring very true, which isn't surprising given I've read your little bio. I work with kids like this (for over 28 years).
and that's all he had to do but believe in himself.- maybe just that rather than that's.
As the years passed, Frank continued the ridicule from his peers,- perhaps change continued to endured?
His heart breaking like glass shattering.- maybe make this stronger - His heart shattering like broken glass (it's a little change but important).
"What bright suggestion do you have?" Frank snickered.- maybe not use snickered here, it means to laugh which I'm not sure is the right intention here.
His sibling remained silent momentarily when suddenly his mouth- be wary of using adverbs close together. here you could say 'remained silent for a few moments'.
Frank nodded as his courage enlightened to accomplish his goal.- enlightened may not be the best choice of word here. try something like emboldened.
"We should call it quits for today, Paul said. - missing closing speech marks here.
Although that day, Frank smiled as he received his medical degree, and whispering to his father, "Yes, I can."
- use whispered rather than whispering.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 18-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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Thank you for some good ideas and changes that will help my manuscript.
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello TPA a Fantastic Friday to you. I hope this finds you well. Thank you for sharing that inspirational story with us. It was well written and uplifting. I could relate to some of this, my right foot is about 2 or 3 sizes smaller than my left one so it causes me to walk funny and wear out shoes really fast. I remember getting constantly picked on and being called crippled and handicapped, always being one of the last to get picked for sports, people can be so cruel. Great job!
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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Hello TPA a Fantastic Friday to you. I hope this finds you well. Thank you for sharing that inspirational story with us. It was well written and uplifting. I could relate to some of this, my right foot is about 2 or 3 sizes smaller than my left one so it causes me to walk funny and wear out shoes really fast. I remember getting constantly picked on and being called crippled and handicapped, always being one of the last to get picked for sports, people can be so cruel. Great job!
Comment Written 18-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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Thank you. I'm sorry for your infliction, but hope it may never stop you from pursuing your goals.
Comment from jessizero
This was a captivating story. I thought it was quite well-written, and it kept my interest, as I'm sure it would someone else's. Good luck with your writing, and in life!
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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This was a captivating story. I thought it was quite well-written, and it kept my interest, as I'm sure it would someone else's. Good luck with your writing, and in life!
Comment Written 17-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a wonderful "can do" story. A person can do whatever they are willing to work at. Having a disability is hard on everyone around, just because of fear. Fear born out of love, fear of the unknown, and more. You did a great job and I didn't find any mistakes. Have a wonderful afternoon/evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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What a wonderful "can do" story. A person can do whatever they are willing to work at. Having a disability is hard on everyone around, just because of fear. Fear born out of love, fear of the unknown, and more. You did a great job and I didn't find any mistakes. Have a wonderful afternoon/evening. Shirley
Comment Written 17-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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Thank you for those kind words
Comment from prettybluebirds
I think this story is quite polished just the way it is. The writing is clear, concise, and easy to read and follow. It is a wonderful portrayal of human nature and the intolerance of ignorant people. Great work.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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I think this story is quite polished just the way it is. The writing is clear, concise, and easy to read and follow. It is a wonderful portrayal of human nature and the intolerance of ignorant people. Great work.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2022
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Thank you for those kind words.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Powerful piece-brilliant work! -Glad I stopped by--I'm unable to review most members' work--which is by default is blocked from non-paying members--I'm no longer active here, though I keep up with correspondence and read as I please. This pleased!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Powerful piece-brilliant work! -Glad I stopped by--I'm unable to review most members' work--which is by default is blocked from non-paying members--I'm no longer active here, though I keep up with correspondence and read as I please. This pleased!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2022
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Thank you
Comment from Annmuma
I love your story -- just the right one to read on a Thanksgiving Day. It is a reminder of all we have to be thankful for AND that each of us have a unique path to walk in this life. It is well written and keeps the reader engaged from beginning to end. ann
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2021
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I love your story -- just the right one to read on a Thanksgiving Day. It is a reminder of all we have to be thankful for AND that each of us have a unique path to walk in this life. It is well written and keeps the reader engaged from beginning to end. ann
Comment Written 25-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2021
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THANK YOU & HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Comment from Anne Johnston
What a beautiful story. How many people have suffered through life from people telling them they couldn't do what they wanted to do. So refreshing when someone refuses to believe what others are saying, and presses on to reach their goal. This is proof that perseverance pays off.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2021
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What a beautiful story. How many people have suffered through life from people telling them they couldn't do what they wanted to do. So refreshing when someone refuses to believe what others are saying, and presses on to reach their goal. This is proof that perseverance pays off.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2021
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Your review was so kind, and your stars so precious. THANK YOU FOR BOTH.
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You are very welcome
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is a beautiful story of conquering the struggles of life with Cerebral Palsy. You've posted it as fiction, but I suspect it is based at least on your own life. I commend you for the strength you found to reach your goals.
I have some suggestions for you to improve the writing of it. I hope you don't mind. A lot of it is a matter of not knowing the proper verb tense to use.
"He thought of Helen Keller, then reflecting(reflected on) his own vision of reality."
"He realized he would (not) always thread(tread) upon a path scarred..."
"who was a good pitcher(,) if he wanted to play ball with them."
"With his knees trembling and watery eyes (eyes watering),"
"I remember reading about (when) Stevie Wonder told his audience..."
"A new beginning happened for Frank and his brother(,) Paul(,) as they grew older."
"Paul helped (dis)solve(d) his brother's loneliness by random acts of kindness." - add the dis and delete the d on the end of the word.
"realizing he will(would) meet many lock(ed) doors."
"You might fall off the ladder when you (are) stocking groceries."
"Aware of his parent's resistance(,) Paul took flight of his brother's goal and spare(d) his brother's agony of never reaching his achievement."
"Yeah." He winced, attempting to get up(.) Paul, placed his hands under his brother's shoulders, (and lifted) Frank to his feet."
"he tolerated at every phrase(phase) of his life.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2021
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This is a beautiful story of conquering the struggles of life with Cerebral Palsy. You've posted it as fiction, but I suspect it is based at least on your own life. I commend you for the strength you found to reach your goals.
I have some suggestions for you to improve the writing of it. I hope you don't mind. A lot of it is a matter of not knowing the proper verb tense to use.
"He thought of Helen Keller, then reflecting(reflected on) his own vision of reality."
"He realized he would (not) always thread(tread) upon a path scarred..."
"who was a good pitcher(,) if he wanted to play ball with them."
"With his knees trembling and watery eyes (eyes watering),"
"I remember reading about (when) Stevie Wonder told his audience..."
"A new beginning happened for Frank and his brother(,) Paul(,) as they grew older."
"Paul helped (dis)solve(d) his brother's loneliness by random acts of kindness." - add the dis and delete the d on the end of the word.
"realizing he will(would) meet many lock(ed) doors."
"You might fall off the ladder when you (are) stocking groceries."
"Aware of his parent's resistance(,) Paul took flight of his brother's goal and spare(d) his brother's agony of never reaching his achievement."
"Yeah." He winced, attempting to get up(.) Paul, placed his hands under his brother's shoulders, (and lifted) Frank to his feet."
"he tolerated at every phrase(phase) of his life.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2021
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Thank you very much for your help and kind words,
