Out Of Time
An indictment on today's world scene.55 total reviews
Comment from Janetsue
The ONLY reason I did not give this posting a six is because the meter is off a bit in some of the excellently rhymed couplets presented in quatrain verses. The message is stellar and I pray it is going to be seriously considered as each line is read. Thank you for sharing your creative talent!
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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The ONLY reason I did not give this posting a six is because the meter is off a bit in some of the excellently rhymed couplets presented in quatrain verses. The message is stellar and I pray it is going to be seriously considered as each line is read. Thank you for sharing your creative talent!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Thank you, I no longer write hoping to garner a six, I write hoping to get you my reader's attention.
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You definitely got my attention! :-)
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem, Out of Time, seems to speak to the social unrest and tense divisions between those who would hold the status quo and those who wish to progress to a better society. It will definitely get worse before it gets better.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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This poem, Out of Time, seems to speak to the social unrest and tense divisions between those who would hold the status quo and those who wish to progress to a better society. It will definitely get worse before it gets better.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Thank you Bill. That is the scariest part of all.
Comment from RGstar
Virtual Six
Nomi, my sixes were out even before you posted, but know well, I read with equal vigour. I Poems can never teach, but they can be our soul, and your soul speak here. Others will read, already on the sides they choose, and still quote God, though many live in hate, even saying God is on their side, as have done for hundreds of years. It's a sad affair, so one does one's own best to orchestrate change by doing, as well by opening windows and uncovering mirrors so people can view themselves, thereby asking themselves if they are true to what they say they believe and practice.
I see your frustration, and your will for better.
Bravo.
My best.
RG
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Virtual Six
Nomi, my sixes were out even before you posted, but know well, I read with equal vigour. I Poems can never teach, but they can be our soul, and your soul speak here. Others will read, already on the sides they choose, and still quote God, though many live in hate, even saying God is on their side, as have done for hundreds of years. It's a sad affair, so one does one's own best to orchestrate change by doing, as well by opening windows and uncovering mirrors so people can view themselves, thereby asking themselves if they are true to what they say they believe and practice.
I see your frustration, and your will for better.
Bravo.
My best.
RG
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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I received some blow back because of my mixed meter, but my response was not to worry about meter, syllable count and such. Try instead to concentrate on the message. Thank you for your great review comments, you remain one of my strongest supporters and I greatly appreciate that.
Comment from Anne Johnston
Your well-written poem paints a perfect picture of our world today. From the Bible we know that time is running out and the Lord is going to pour judgment upon this earth. Thankfully, He has provided a way of escape through the Lord Jesus Christ, for all who will accept Him.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Your well-written poem paints a perfect picture of our world today. From the Bible we know that time is running out and the Lord is going to pour judgment upon this earth. Thankfully, He has provided a way of escape through the Lord Jesus Christ, for all who will accept Him.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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You are absolutely correct, and still, like the corrupt religious leaders of Jesus day, many refuse to see the light, because they are blinded by their own false reflected glory.
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You are welcome
Comment from Mary Vigasin
Very well said, my friend. I agree wholeheartedly. We do not disagree with each other, we hate the other side. We want to win at any cost, and often that cost requires deceit, lies, and hate. No longer are we our brother's keeper, yet profess our faith in God. Those in need of help are called lazy, cheaters, addicts, and worse.
Brilliant and thoughtful.
Best wishes,
Mary
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Very well said, my friend. I agree wholeheartedly. We do not disagree with each other, we hate the other side. We want to win at any cost, and often that cost requires deceit, lies, and hate. No longer are we our brother's keeper, yet profess our faith in God. Those in need of help are called lazy, cheaters, addicts, and worse.
Brilliant and thoughtful.
Best wishes,
Mary
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Thank you Mary. I love your comments.
Comment from June Sargent
Just when you think things can't get any worse- it does! The hatred and fear surrounding us is so toxic, it's hard to imagine this world surviving at all. Something needs to change - soon.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Just when you think things can't get any worse- it does! The hatred and fear surrounding us is so toxic, it's hard to imagine this world surviving at all. Something needs to change - soon.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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You are so right. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from SimianSavant
You have some valuable things to say here. I am trying to make sense of the form and meter you are going for, to help give this the best chance of resonating with your intended audience. If you are writing for Spoken Word format, it is more flexible. The AABB form at the beginning suggests to me however that you are trying to write a metered piece. If you are NOT trying to write a metered piece, you can ignore a lot of the advice below, and just think about the emphasis of where you want to put certain words in your phrases.
* * *
The first stanza starts out with a consistent beat, in 12/4 time (triplet beats, four beats per line. You can get away with fewer than 12 beats per line (like you did in line 1, without the pickup beats), but not more than 12, or it will not flow well. So your first stanza works until line 3: Hate is ruining a world created by God's love. RUINING is 3 syllables; so is CREATED. What if you tried something like:
hate is WREAKING the world that God fashioned with love
Stanza 2:
1 Today we will kill [**each other - OMIT**] just to follow a trend
2 Picket Signs and Protest marches won't bring it to an end **try: those signs and those marches will not make it end
3 if you want closure, close the door on hatred **This is witty and clever -- for rhyming meter however, you want the beats to align with the natural accents on the words: HAT-red, not hat-RED. Hatred also does not rhyme with Naked. What about a word like Created? I see lots of options on rhymezone, if you are looking for a closer rhyme.
Stanza 3:
1 Give the homeless a [place to live -- try *REFUGE*], is that [too much -- try *FAIR*] to ask?
2 Why must something this simple, pose such a daunting task? [try: how can such kindness be such a hard task]
3 Are we responsible for the times in which we live? [this is a hard one;
responsible is a great word for spoken word but for poems it has a lot of syllables; maybe use a word like ACCOUNT]
4 We have so much more than [we are -- *we're* will give you back a syllable] willing to give
I don't want to hack too much at your work, not knowing the intended format for its presentation, but you get the idea.
Best to you from Cincinnati!
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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You have some valuable things to say here. I am trying to make sense of the form and meter you are going for, to help give this the best chance of resonating with your intended audience. If you are writing for Spoken Word format, it is more flexible. The AABB form at the beginning suggests to me however that you are trying to write a metered piece. If you are NOT trying to write a metered piece, you can ignore a lot of the advice below, and just think about the emphasis of where you want to put certain words in your phrases.
* * *
The first stanza starts out with a consistent beat, in 12/4 time (triplet beats, four beats per line. You can get away with fewer than 12 beats per line (like you did in line 1, without the pickup beats), but not more than 12, or it will not flow well. So your first stanza works until line 3: Hate is ruining a world created by God's love. RUINING is 3 syllables; so is CREATED. What if you tried something like:
hate is WREAKING the world that God fashioned with love
Stanza 2:
1 Today we will kill [**each other - OMIT**] just to follow a trend
2 Picket Signs and Protest marches won't bring it to an end **try: those signs and those marches will not make it end
3 if you want closure, close the door on hatred **This is witty and clever -- for rhyming meter however, you want the beats to align with the natural accents on the words: HAT-red, not hat-RED. Hatred also does not rhyme with Naked. What about a word like Created? I see lots of options on rhymezone, if you are looking for a closer rhyme.
Stanza 3:
1 Give the homeless a [place to live -- try *REFUGE*], is that [too much -- try *FAIR*] to ask?
2 Why must something this simple, pose such a daunting task? [try: how can such kindness be such a hard task]
3 Are we responsible for the times in which we live? [this is a hard one;
responsible is a great word for spoken word but for poems it has a lot of syllables; maybe use a word like ACCOUNT]
4 We have so much more than [we are -- *we're* will give you back a syllable] willing to give
I don't want to hack too much at your work, not knowing the intended format for its presentation, but you get the idea.
Best to you from Cincinnati!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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I thank you for your very helpful hints and advice. I was focused on the message much more than the format. I am capable of writing poems that stick to meter. I threw all of that out the window with this one. Perhaps I should have stated that somewhere in my authors notes.
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That was kind of what I guessed, based on how your lines gradually became longer, which seemed deliberate. Those perfectly metered poems can get a bit dull after a while, kind of like listening to Bach all day long.
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Thank you for your understanding.
Comment from amahra
Yes, your poem speaks much truth. People think they have all the time in the world to do what's right in the sight of God. We should all pray and ask forgiveness before going to bed. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Yes, your poem speaks much truth. People think they have all the time in the world to do what's right in the sight of God. We should all pray and ask forgiveness before going to bed. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Right you are. I doubt that many wrongdoers who self identify as Christian realize that God is aware of what we say and do when we think no one is looking or listening.
Comment from Raul1
You have clearly said what this world is doing right now. It is a huge mess and most humans are making mistakes by not thinking twice. Excellent work! Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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You have clearly said what this world is doing right now. It is a huge mess and most humans are making mistakes by not thinking twice. Excellent work! Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Thank you for your review.
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You're welcome!
Comment from Jesse James Doty
I agree with what you say wholeheartedly! The points you make are clear and concise and get down to the nitty-gritty truth! I especially love the last two lines in the fourth stanza. It says we commit police atrocities and mass murders while we become desensitized to both sides, neither one is completely in the clear!
I wasn't sure I would agree with this but in all honesty, I really do. Thank you for this informative post, it was enjoyable to read and quite the entertainment we all seek!
Take good care of yourself,
Jesse
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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I agree with what you say wholeheartedly! The points you make are clear and concise and get down to the nitty-gritty truth! I especially love the last two lines in the fourth stanza. It says we commit police atrocities and mass murders while we become desensitized to both sides, neither one is completely in the clear!
I wasn't sure I would agree with this but in all honesty, I really do. Thank you for this informative post, it was enjoyable to read and quite the entertainment we all seek!
Take good care of yourself,
Jesse
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Thank you Jesse. I try to present a balanced message in most of my work. This is primarily because I do not believe that either side of any belief is all right or all wrong.
