THE CURSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 90 "Vampire Venom/Pt. 2"The six book of the Novels of the Breedline
6 total reviews
Comment from AJ McCall
YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
I absolutely loved the way you ended this, SHANA! This time it didn't feel like a cliffhanger, lol. I love the way you described everything in the chapter; especially the small stuff, like the coffee and the polka dots on the clerk's tie, lol. I love love the tiny details. When I was reading the dialogue between Manuel and Katie, I was waiting for Medoza to say something. I was like, SPEAK! OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE! LOL.
I can't imagine what's going to happen-- no wait, I can!!!
Medoza's gonna tell Manuel about the voice, the pieces are gonna click together and then they'll be able to save Joseph before he gives in to The Shadow. I can't wait til next MONDAY!
But I did notice several typos:
You have a big space between 'information' 'on' and 'this' in the first paragraph of the post. And also, several other big spaces in the following lines you can go back and see.
- (said) a thin-faced man, sporting a black bow tie with lime green polka dots. I would change that to 'asked'
- (Styrofoam) I don't think capitalization is needed.
- "Please, follow me and (I'll escort you to her office.)" I feel like these are just words that are taking up space. I think the first line is all you need.
-"Thank you, (Nurse) Flinn," a soft voice called from inside the room.
So I don't know why, but the title 'Nure Flinn' just sounds really strange. I would suggest just you using Flinn.
And to address the next line: "Please escort the Detective into my office."
Again, I think this line is just taking up space.
- ("Nah.") He shook his head. "Neither." So the first line of dialogue is almost repetitive if you have 'neither'. I think you should remove 'Nah' here.
But that's all my suggestions!! Can't wait to talk next week!! ;)
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2021
  |
YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
I absolutely loved the way you ended this, SHANA! This time it didn't feel like a cliffhanger, lol. I love the way you described everything in the chapter; especially the small stuff, like the coffee and the polka dots on the clerk's tie, lol. I love love the tiny details. When I was reading the dialogue between Manuel and Katie, I was waiting for Medoza to say something. I was like, SPEAK! OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE! LOL.
I can't imagine what's going to happen-- no wait, I can!!!
Medoza's gonna tell Manuel about the voice, the pieces are gonna click together and then they'll be able to save Joseph before he gives in to The Shadow. I can't wait til next MONDAY!
But I did notice several typos:
You have a big space between 'information' 'on' and 'this' in the first paragraph of the post. And also, several other big spaces in the following lines you can go back and see.
- (said) a thin-faced man, sporting a black bow tie with lime green polka dots. I would change that to 'asked'
- (Styrofoam) I don't think capitalization is needed.
- "Please, follow me and (I'll escort you to her office.)" I feel like these are just words that are taking up space. I think the first line is all you need.
-"Thank you, (Nurse) Flinn," a soft voice called from inside the room.
So I don't know why, but the title 'Nure Flinn' just sounds really strange. I would suggest just you using Flinn.
And to address the next line: "Please escort the Detective into my office."
Again, I think this line is just taking up space.
- ("Nah.") He shook his head. "Neither." So the first line of dialogue is almost repetitive if you have 'neither'. I think you should remove 'Nah' here.
But that's all my suggestions!! Can't wait to talk next week!! ;)
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2021
-
Thanks so much, AJ :) So stoked you liked the chapter. I was hoping it wouldn't be boring. Sometimes you have to work the puzzle pieces together to get to the good stuff. I'm also glad you mentioned you like the small details. I get readers that say I need to get rid of all that. I think it's important to set the scene and give the reader an idea of what the character sees. I enjoy that in other books too.
I sure appreciate your helpful advise. I cherish the help! I will make some changes. You are super at helping me.
Next, I need to write about Carrie and Joseph. Somehow, they need to get back in touch.
Thanks again!
Hugs,
Shana :)
-
You're very welcome, Shana! Anytime! And Carrie and Joseph??!?!?! Ohh. This is going to be interesting, lol. ;)
Comment from royowen
So, Manuel is on to Joseph, and he goes to see Dr. Katie Mendoza greets him at her practice, he there to discuss a strange young man, who has adopted his mother's maiden name, and, as it turns out, is likewise Katie's patient. They go back to the time of Joseph's father's murder, and discover there is something a lot more sinister about the boy. Great episode Shana, now for your cleverness in solving this one. Beautifully written dear friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
|
So, Manuel is on to Joseph, and he goes to see Dr. Katie Mendoza greets him at her practice, he there to discuss a strange young man, who has adopted his mother's maiden name, and, as it turns out, is likewise Katie's patient. They go back to the time of Joseph's father's murder, and discover there is something a lot more sinister about the boy. Great episode Shana, now for your cleverness in solving this one. Beautifully written dear friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
-
Aww... thank you, Roy :) It's all starting to come together. The pieces of the puzzle concerning Joseph is coming to light. But when they discover Joseph is the same guy who has been dating Carrie (Detective Frank Perkin's niece), the house of cards will start to crumble.
Thanks for sticking with me on this roller-coaster ride of a story. LOL! I know it has to get confusing with all that continues to go on. But you are the greatest supporter ever. I appreciate you!
Always your fan,
Shana :)
-
Likewise Shana
Comment from SimianSavant
**Update**
Review revised up a star commensurate with edits made. Some redundancy is still present, but there is now less of it; good job.
Nice work. The conversation seems pretty natural, pretty well captured. I found quite a few corrections so I can't award a five yet but if you make these revisions and let me know after, I will revise up my review.
Flat screen **assuming you mean a flat-screen [TV] and not an actual flat screen
And somewhere near, **nearby** the distinct scent of coffee brewing invaded his senses
In his mind, **redundant** he thought the inside would be noisy, and lunatic-like **pyou need a comma here, for clarify, otherwise lunatic-like can be an adjective referring to the verb "seeing" rather than an adjective of the word "inside", as you intended
For some strange reason **redundant**
All this dialogue about sitting in the waiting room is filler material. Do you want it?
"It's nice to see you too, Doctor Mendoza," he said, **you already did emphasize it** emphasizing the word doctor
It's a lot safer and less **fewer** trips to the dentist.
smoothing over the vacant spots => where he was missing a couple of his good chewing teeth. **redundant
"Manuel..." She hesitantly said, her voice taking on a serious tone. **this is a fragment if it ends with a period; switch to a comma
but since I trust you'll keep this confident **confidential, or in confidence
Great job with the suspenseful ending. Looking forward to the next installment!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
 |
**Update**
Review revised up a star commensurate with edits made. Some redundancy is still present, but there is now less of it; good job.
Nice work. The conversation seems pretty natural, pretty well captured. I found quite a few corrections so I can't award a five yet but if you make these revisions and let me know after, I will revise up my review.
Flat screen **assuming you mean a flat-screen [TV] and not an actual flat screen
And somewhere near, **nearby** the distinct scent of coffee brewing invaded his senses
In his mind, **redundant** he thought the inside would be noisy, and lunatic-like **pyou need a comma here, for clarify, otherwise lunatic-like can be an adjective referring to the verb "seeing" rather than an adjective of the word "inside", as you intended
For some strange reason **redundant**
All this dialogue about sitting in the waiting room is filler material. Do you want it?
"It's nice to see you too, Doctor Mendoza," he said, **you already did emphasize it** emphasizing the word doctor
It's a lot safer and less **fewer** trips to the dentist.
smoothing over the vacant spots => where he was missing a couple of his good chewing teeth. **redundant
"Manuel..." She hesitantly said, her voice taking on a serious tone. **this is a fragment if it ends with a period; switch to a comma
but since I trust you'll keep this confident **confidential, or in confidence
Great job with the suspenseful ending. Looking forward to the next installment!
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
-
Thanks so much for all your helpful advise. I really appreciate it! This is why I love to share my writing here. A few readers, like you, take the time to point out my mistakes so I can be a better writer. I did go back and make the changes you suggested. I appreciate your time. Everything helps, and also saves me money. It's less my editor has to change.
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
-
You're welcome. I have bumped my review up a star
: )
-
Thank you! :)
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
It manipulates their minds and influences them to do things they wouldn't normally do. Think of this thing as a marionette and the child as a puppet on strings." WOW! I am finding this story so exciting! It just gets better and better. You also format your work very well which I am not brilliant at I have to admit. I love the story and the plot twists and the strong characters really make it. Well done on another amazing write love and regards Meia x
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
|
It manipulates their minds and influences them to do things they wouldn't normally do. Think of this thing as a marionette and the child as a puppet on strings." WOW! I am finding this story so exciting! It just gets better and better. You also format your work very well which I am not brilliant at I have to admit. I love the story and the plot twists and the strong characters really make it. Well done on another amazing write love and regards Meia x
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
-
Thanks so much, Meia :) So thrilled you're still enjoying the story. I promise, it will pick up again with action as the story moves on. But I'm so glad this chapter kept you entertained. I like to keep action in my story, but sometimes it slows down a bit.
Thanks again for your encouraging words and fabulous stars. You made my day!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Supernatural Science Fiction, a Chapter in the book The Curse, a novel of the breedline (a species of humans to transform into wolves) series, Part 2, speaks about vampire venom; Well said, well done, thanks 4 sharing this, happy reviewing this legible on white background, my dear write-post more, fast, time is precious-limited, I, DR, wrote 114 books on God, Humanity, Truth. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
|
This Supernatural Science Fiction, a Chapter in the book The Curse, a novel of the breedline (a species of humans to transform into wolves) series, Part 2, speaks about vampire venom; Well said, well done, thanks 4 sharing this, happy reviewing this legible on white background, my dear write-post more, fast, time is precious-limited, I, DR, wrote 114 books on God, Humanity, Truth. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
-
Thanks so much, Alcreator :) I'm always motivated by your reviews. I am thankful for your support.
That is awesome about your books. Wow! That's a great accomplishment!
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Sherry Asbury
Most excellent and compelling story. This genre is one of my favorites. You have a follower in me, so I thank you for the outline at the end. Your two characters in this chapter are fully developed and have their own traits to keep a reader's interest. This ends just right to keep a reader looking for more!!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
|
Most excellent and compelling story. This genre is one of my favorites. You have a follower in me, so I thank you for the outline at the end. Your two characters in this chapter are fully developed and have their own traits to keep a reader's interest. This ends just right to keep a reader looking for more!!
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
-
Thanks so much, Sherry :) I'm so happy to hear you are enjoying my story. This is the best reward a writer can get. And it motivated me to keep on writing. Your kind words made my day! I hope I can continue to entertain you with my Breedline adventures.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
-
I love this storyline and how you write! All I can say is...MORE...
-
Aww... thank you!
