Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Reflections of the Lost"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
13 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Ah those furry friends can just ruin a romantic moment! I'm glad that Luke finally got to see Suzie and hopefully, they can get on the right foot and get all the information for Luke to find Crystal.
He stalked over and looked threw the peep hole, (through)
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2021
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Ah those furry friends can just ruin a romantic moment! I'm glad that Luke finally got to see Suzie and hopefully, they can get on the right foot and get all the information for Luke to find Crystal.
He stalked over and looked threw the peep hole, (through)
Comment Written 17-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2021
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Thanks!
Comment from Ben Colder
Your characters are interesting. It is good to write various approaches toward redemption. In reality, the rescue of a situation is not always religious. Well done, Bro.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2021
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Your characters are interesting. It is good to write various approaches toward redemption. In reality, the rescue of a situation is not always religious. Well done, Bro.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2021
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Thanks sir!
Comment from amahra
Crystal is in a bad way right now: She's strung out plus at the mercy of a pimp. But she's about to get lucky. That is... Luke (take no sh*t) ex-cop is her daddy. And buttwipe Spike isn't going to know what hit him. LOL! At least I hope so. I missed some chapters, but I'll try to keep up.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Crystal is in a bad way right now: She's strung out plus at the mercy of a pimp. But she's about to get lucky. That is... Luke (take no sh*t) ex-cop is her daddy. And buttwipe Spike isn't going to know what hit him. LOL! At least I hope so. I missed some chapters, but I'll try to keep up.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Thanks for this feel from you that you are into the characters and what can happen. There is a Daddy she doesn't think knows or loves her, and he's ready to go through hell with a squirt gun if need be. Appreciate what say, because more than anything it gets my writing drive going.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent captivating storyline my friend! The characters interact perfectly together and screams this piece is well thought out and well written.
Thank you for sharing and may God bless you and your family;-)
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Excellent captivating storyline my friend! The characters interact perfectly together and screams this piece is well thought out and well written.
Thank you for sharing and may God bless you and your family;-)
Comment Written 06-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Thanks so much. I appreciate the intrinsic sense you have for this story.
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;-)
Comment from Soledadpaz
The background blurb alone got me hooked. Poor man!
Do you mean 'spread out' on the bed? Or perhaps: fell 'spread-eagled' on the bed?
Good imagery and sensory detail in 'vanilla face'
Suggest start new sentence at: that first surge in her veins . . .
phobias of needle(s)
How once upon a time she (had) sat (referring to the past before this recent past)
(He'd) already put holes . . .
the heroin especially(,)
She (lay) there,
looked (through) the peep hole
This sentence is unclear. "Was he turning her into the street or someone buying her as a sex slave." Perhaps: Was he turning her into a street walker or was someone buying her as a sex slave.
Perhaps: She splayed the wrapper (from the burger) and wolfed it down. Otherwise it reads as if she wolfed down the wrapper.
for you (to) try on
Suggest: but (show) enough skin
(at) the cabin?
Suggest: (drove) into the foothills or (turned) into the foothills
Typo: (drove) into a rest area
Suggest: He rented one of those trucking showers, then stuck his head (he can't be renting and sticking his head under the spray at the same time. Also, using 'rented' gives you consistent verb tenses: rented, stuck, imagined)
Suzie(,) the mother(,)
Not sure of intended meaning of : clave
Typo: blue (shutters)
He said this (as) he held her shoulders
Good story!
Sol
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The background blurb alone got me hooked. Poor man!
Do you mean 'spread out' on the bed? Or perhaps: fell 'spread-eagled' on the bed?
Good imagery and sensory detail in 'vanilla face'
Suggest start new sentence at: that first surge in her veins . . .
phobias of needle(s)
How once upon a time she (had) sat (referring to the past before this recent past)
(He'd) already put holes . . .
the heroin especially(,)
She (lay) there,
looked (through) the peep hole
This sentence is unclear. "Was he turning her into the street or someone buying her as a sex slave." Perhaps: Was he turning her into a street walker or was someone buying her as a sex slave.
Perhaps: She splayed the wrapper (from the burger) and wolfed it down. Otherwise it reads as if she wolfed down the wrapper.
for you (to) try on
Suggest: but (show) enough skin
(at) the cabin?
Suggest: (drove) into the foothills or (turned) into the foothills
Typo: (drove) into a rest area
Suggest: He rented one of those trucking showers, then stuck his head (he can't be renting and sticking his head under the spray at the same time. Also, using 'rented' gives you consistent verb tenses: rented, stuck, imagined)
Suzie(,) the mother(,)
Not sure of intended meaning of : clave
Typo: blue (shutters)
He said this (as) he held her shoulders
Good story!
Sol
Comment Written 06-Nov-2021
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
I hate to think that these kinds of things can really happen to folks but I know it's true that they do. So sad!
Some notes:
1.) He stalked over and looked thr(ough) the peep hole,
2.) It was a white house with blue (shutters) guarded by thick hedges
3.) He said this (as) he held her shoulders and
I think you need to read this one out loud to find more small nits throughout. Looks like it's going well. Thanks!
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Stan,
I hate to think that these kinds of things can really happen to folks but I know it's true that they do. So sad!
Some notes:
1.) He stalked over and looked thr(ough) the peep hole,
2.) It was a white house with blue (shutters) guarded by thick hedges
3.) He said this (as) he held her shoulders and
I think you need to read this one out loud to find more small nits throughout. Looks like it's going well. Thanks!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2021
Comment from Alaskastory
"Reflections of the Lost" is a perfect chapter that is full of action and character buildup. It is so enjoyable to read. Great the way you switch readers from Chrystal's scary life to her mother, Suzie, and then break up with Bugsy amusement. Well done.
He said this(as) he held her shoulder
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2021
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"Reflections of the Lost" is a perfect chapter that is full of action and character buildup. It is so enjoyable to read. Great the way you switch readers from Chrystal's scary life to her mother, Suzie, and then break up with Bugsy amusement. Well done.
He said this(as) he held her shoulder
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2021
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Thanks again, Marie.
Comment from BethShelby
I'm glad to see this story once again. I'm anxious to see how Luke will go about trying to find his daughter and rescue her from the horrible situation she has gotten herself into. I"m wondering whether Luck will end up with his first sweetheart or the wife who is suffering over the loss of her little girl. I will be keep reading.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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I'm glad to see this story once again. I'm anxious to see how Luke will go about trying to find his daughter and rescue her from the horrible situation she has gotten herself into. I"m wondering whether Luck will end up with his first sweetheart or the wife who is suffering over the loss of her little girl. I will be keep reading.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Thanks Beth!
Comment from royowen
You write a good story Stan. Talking in the first person is your forte, the father of crystal has a father, and what father doesn't want to set his daughter free from whatever holds her captive, beautifully written my friends blessings
Roy
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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You write a good story Stan. Talking in the first person is your forte, the father of crystal has a father, and what father doesn't want to set his daughter free from whatever holds her captive, beautifully written my friends blessings
Roy
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Thanks Roy!
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My privilege
Comment from SimianSavant
Hi! This is an attraction-grabbing work, especially the first part. Nice work. My review of four stars is merely reflective of small grammar corrections I have offered below. If you wish to correct them, you may message me after and I'll be happy to increase my rating by a star.
Here goes:
he discovers he has another daughter from his fir **first marriage?
it was her-trapped inside **I appreciate how annoying it is for em-dashes to not render correctly on this site. However to avoid the ambiguity of an em-dash with a hyphenated compound word, you might want to put spaces on either side of the hyphen in this case, to disambiguate.
"I got some girlish dresses for you **TO** try on
Luke packed up his Jeep Liberty from the cabin, **comma here should be a period** he knew
But now he had Bugsy his bulldog riding shotgun who would lick his internal scars for him-if he could. **same thing with hyphen. The indirect clause 'who would lick his internal scars' can be inferred as referring to 'shotgun' rather than to 'dog'; you can fix this by putting a period between these phrases: He had Bugsy, his bulldog, riding shotgun. Bugsy would lick his scars, etc.
On the highway, he left the Adirondack Park and **you are missing a verb here, like 'drove'** into the foothills
Yea' I know, we both smell like dog. **guessing you meant 'Yeah'
Within each mile **with, not within
his tongue clave **this is an archaic past tense word that most will not recognize, and may think is a mistake. While it is very creative writing by you, maybe try something more conventional like, his tongue stuck etc
turning into a driveway where Suzie lived. **a driveway, or the driveway?
Suzie was the same unassuming soul, unguarded, **break sentence with period** she dashed toward him, the same bouncy blonde hair he remembered from school.
Once again, she held his heart in his hand again. **'again' is redundant
"I'm here now. I'll find her. I'm on a leave of absence. I want to find her so I can tell her she has a Daddy, from now on. They say, love is something you do, not just say. I'm here now. I'll find her and bring her back." **the last two sentences are repeated; you might have done this intentionally, but want to make sure
That's it. Thanks for the read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
 |
Hi! This is an attraction-grabbing work, especially the first part. Nice work. My review of four stars is merely reflective of small grammar corrections I have offered below. If you wish to correct them, you may message me after and I'll be happy to increase my rating by a star.
Here goes:
he discovers he has another daughter from his fir **first marriage?
it was her-trapped inside **I appreciate how annoying it is for em-dashes to not render correctly on this site. However to avoid the ambiguity of an em-dash with a hyphenated compound word, you might want to put spaces on either side of the hyphen in this case, to disambiguate.
"I got some girlish dresses for you **TO** try on
Luke packed up his Jeep Liberty from the cabin, **comma here should be a period** he knew
But now he had Bugsy his bulldog riding shotgun who would lick his internal scars for him-if he could. **same thing with hyphen. The indirect clause 'who would lick his internal scars' can be inferred as referring to 'shotgun' rather than to 'dog'; you can fix this by putting a period between these phrases: He had Bugsy, his bulldog, riding shotgun. Bugsy would lick his scars, etc.
On the highway, he left the Adirondack Park and **you are missing a verb here, like 'drove'** into the foothills
Yea' I know, we both smell like dog. **guessing you meant 'Yeah'
Within each mile **with, not within
his tongue clave **this is an archaic past tense word that most will not recognize, and may think is a mistake. While it is very creative writing by you, maybe try something more conventional like, his tongue stuck etc
turning into a driveway where Suzie lived. **a driveway, or the driveway?
Suzie was the same unassuming soul, unguarded, **break sentence with period** she dashed toward him, the same bouncy blonde hair he remembered from school.
Once again, she held his heart in his hand again. **'again' is redundant
"I'm here now. I'll find her. I'm on a leave of absence. I want to find her so I can tell her she has a Daddy, from now on. They say, love is something you do, not just say. I'm here now. I'll find her and bring her back." **the last two sentences are repeated; you might have done this intentionally, but want to make sure
That's it. Thanks for the read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
