Shape Shifter
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Shape Shifter Part Eighteen"A Detective John Dutton Novellette
10 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Fun alliteration & playing with the c's & k's:
"Known for his fine nuances in the art of deceit, the cagey Karl" Good foreshadowing: "Dreary shadows filled the vault." More good similes. Well, we know the series will continue: "Dutton knew he could never walk away from the Adler case." Moving on.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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Fun alliteration & playing with the c's & k's:
"Known for his fine nuances in the art of deceit, the cagey Karl" Good foreshadowing: "Dreary shadows filled the vault." More good similes. Well, we know the series will continue: "Dutton knew he could never walk away from the Adler case." Moving on.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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Appreciate the review.
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I especially like this one
Comment from Judy Lawless
So Adler was once a dedicated detective, and partner to Dutton. Interesting. If anyone can catch him, it should be Dutton, but there is obviously much more to this story, like what drove him to become a maniacal serial killer. Another well-written chapter, Brett.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2021
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So Adler was once a dedicated detective, and partner to Dutton. Interesting. If anyone can catch him, it should be Dutton, but there is obviously much more to this story, like what drove him to become a maniacal serial killer. Another well-written chapter, Brett.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this part. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I enjoyed reading your chapter. Since this is my first one I have to bookcase and do some back reading. I did not see any errors. You did a great job. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2021
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I enjoyed reading your chapter. Since this is my first one I have to bookcase and do some back reading. I did not see any errors. You did a great job. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
Comment Written 30-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2021
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Glad you enjoyed. Appreciate the review.
Comment from BethShelby
This is an interesting case. I am just now learning he was once Dutton's partner. I don't know if he crazy or what made him the way he is. I know Dutton thinks he will eventually take him down, but doesn't he have something that will eventually kill him anyway? I think I remembered that but maybe I'm wrong.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2021
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This is an interesting case. I am just now learning he was once Dutton's partner. I don't know if he crazy or what made him the way he is. I know Dutton thinks he will eventually take him down, but doesn't he have something that will eventually kill him anyway? I think I remembered that but maybe I'm wrong.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this part. Much appreciate the review.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Mystery and Crime Fiction, a detective John Dutton Novelette, a chapter in the book Shape Shifter, Part Eighteen, speaks a chaotic scene exploded at Commissioner Hightower's upscale residence; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this, happy reviewing this; God Bless you, my good writer, post more, dear. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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This Mystery and Crime Fiction, a detective John Dutton Novelette, a chapter in the book Shape Shifter, Part Eighteen, speaks a chaotic scene exploded at Commissioner Hightower's upscale residence; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this, happy reviewing this; God Bless you, my good writer, post more, dear. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 29-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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Whatever.
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
Wow. Off on a whole new mission - and so completely different than your usual fare. *smile* Allltthhoughhh still in the same lane - crime and bad guys and edge of your seat stuff. hahahaha
I'm gonna be absolutely straight with you, though. This particular chapter felt like a lot more TELLING than SHOWING. The fact there was so much talking - without much action, like facial features, arm movements, etc - made the dialogue a bit flat. Especially when you were using so many different speech tags. They kinda stood out, if you know what I mean? 'Said' has a tendency to fade into the background and these, maybe because there were so many, seemed to be highlighted. (Sorry!)
Other notes:
1.) An apprehension something bad about to happen, Dutton mentioned to his partner, "Evil lurks."
--> edit for clarity and smoother reading (consider:)
--> Apprehension that something bad was about to happen caused Dutton to mumble to his partner, "Evil lurks."
2.) "Holy s--t!" Ballister exclaimed upon spotting (Commissioner) Hightower's sprawled cadaver.
3.) He looked like a cross between the middle of pallid and haggard.
--> looked like a cross / between the middle -- one of those is redundant
--> but this is also 'passive voice' and using 'filter words' - all of which separate the reader from the story more.
--> Ballister leaned against a wall. His pallid face, slumped shoulders, and haggard posture indicated his deep depression.
4.) Remember that you only capitalize titles when you are referring directly to someone. So:
a.) he'd been an invited guest in the Commissioner's home
--> nope. indirect reference - should be lower case 'c'
b.) Dutton stared at the Commissioner and contemplated
--> no. indirect reference -- 'c'
c.) "The Governor didn't like the notion one of his finest
--> no. indirect ref. -- 'g'
Here's a general rule of thumb I share with folks - IF you can successfully substitute a name in place of the title, then yes - cap it. If not, then leave it lower case. Examples:
a.) he'd been an invited guest in the Bob's home
--> nope. won't work - keep it lower case
b.) Dutton stared at the Bob and contemplated
--> nope
c.) "The Bob didn't like the notion one of his finest
--> no.
On the other hand:
a.) "Good morning, Governor!"
--> "Good morning, Bob!"
--> yep - passes the test. It's also a DIRECT address
Make sense? Hope so - I'm not the best at explaining things. ha If you get it, go through and correct all these punctuation errors - make the caps lower case where needed.
That's it! Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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Brett,
Wow. Off on a whole new mission - and so completely different than your usual fare. *smile* Allltthhoughhh still in the same lane - crime and bad guys and edge of your seat stuff. hahahaha
I'm gonna be absolutely straight with you, though. This particular chapter felt like a lot more TELLING than SHOWING. The fact there was so much talking - without much action, like facial features, arm movements, etc - made the dialogue a bit flat. Especially when you were using so many different speech tags. They kinda stood out, if you know what I mean? 'Said' has a tendency to fade into the background and these, maybe because there were so many, seemed to be highlighted. (Sorry!)
Other notes:
1.) An apprehension something bad about to happen, Dutton mentioned to his partner, "Evil lurks."
--> edit for clarity and smoother reading (consider:)
--> Apprehension that something bad was about to happen caused Dutton to mumble to his partner, "Evil lurks."
2.) "Holy s--t!" Ballister exclaimed upon spotting (Commissioner) Hightower's sprawled cadaver.
3.) He looked like a cross between the middle of pallid and haggard.
--> looked like a cross / between the middle -- one of those is redundant
--> but this is also 'passive voice' and using 'filter words' - all of which separate the reader from the story more.
--> Ballister leaned against a wall. His pallid face, slumped shoulders, and haggard posture indicated his deep depression.
4.) Remember that you only capitalize titles when you are referring directly to someone. So:
a.) he'd been an invited guest in the Commissioner's home
--> nope. indirect reference - should be lower case 'c'
b.) Dutton stared at the Commissioner and contemplated
--> no. indirect reference -- 'c'
c.) "The Governor didn't like the notion one of his finest
--> no. indirect ref. -- 'g'
Here's a general rule of thumb I share with folks - IF you can successfully substitute a name in place of the title, then yes - cap it. If not, then leave it lower case. Examples:
a.) he'd been an invited guest in the Bob's home
--> nope. won't work - keep it lower case
b.) Dutton stared at the Bob and contemplated
--> nope
c.) "The Bob didn't like the notion one of his finest
--> no.
On the other hand:
a.) "Good morning, Governor!"
--> "Good morning, Bob!"
--> yep - passes the test. It's also a DIRECT address
Make sense? Hope so - I'm not the best at explaining things. ha If you get it, go through and correct all these punctuation errors - make the caps lower case where needed.
That's it! Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 29-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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Appreciate the detailed suggestions and the review.
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sure!
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Now need to go back and look at your editing suggestions.
Comment from royowen
If it's possible to be artistic in one's mad intensity as a murderer, this Adler is unique, in as much as there's no similarity between the style ofbthe kills thst this nutcase does. Every kill is gruesome and different, beautifully written Brett, an excellent series, blessings Roy
Typo : Lay spread eagle(d)
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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If it's possible to be artistic in one's mad intensity as a murderer, this Adler is unique, in as much as there's no similarity between the style ofbthe kills thst this nutcase does. Every kill is gruesome and different, beautifully written Brett, an excellent series, blessings Roy
Typo : Lay spread eagle(d)
Comment Written 29-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Much appreciate the review.
Comment from SimianSavant
You have some gold stuff here, particularly the gruesome detail and SMELL of a crime. Paragraphs 2 and 4 have strong action.
Capturing the essence of natural speech can be very challenging. I recommend switching some of your conversation to narration, for two reasons: 1) keeping the action up (overspeaking has the effect of making the reader feel they are being told rather than shown), and 2) certain words fit better as narration, such as the words "enigmatic" and "mysteriousness", which do not sound like words someone would SPEAK to another person right before cornering their target. The LAST sentence of your chapter is a much better example of natural conversation in this context: shorthand talk, using the bad guy's last name only, and a short imperative statement.
Otherwise your editing is good though! Thank you for the read!
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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You have some gold stuff here, particularly the gruesome detail and SMELL of a crime. Paragraphs 2 and 4 have strong action.
Capturing the essence of natural speech can be very challenging. I recommend switching some of your conversation to narration, for two reasons: 1) keeping the action up (overspeaking has the effect of making the reader feel they are being told rather than shown), and 2) certain words fit better as narration, such as the words "enigmatic" and "mysteriousness", which do not sound like words someone would SPEAK to another person right before cornering their target. The LAST sentence of your chapter is a much better example of natural conversation in this context: shorthand talk, using the bad guy's last name only, and a short imperative statement.
Otherwise your editing is good though! Thank you for the read!
Comment Written 29-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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Appreciate the suggestions and the review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
In my estimation, Adler isn't the type who could ever stop his dastardly deeds, but with you doing the writing, anything could happen. Wish I had a six. Thanks for sharing. Your in the thoughts and prayers!
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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In my estimation, Adler isn't the type who could ever stop his dastardly deeds, but with you doing the writing, anything could happen. Wish I had a six. Thanks for sharing. Your in the thoughts and prayers!
Comment Written 29-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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Appreciate them very much. Today is a painful one. But, that comes with the territory.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
YEA!!!! Something good to read!!!!!!!!! This is another good job of writing. I enjoyed reading. You keep the suspense high.
Dutton knew that would provide him therapy time (you can omit 'that')
"Bacause Adler was once one of us. ( Because??)
No real way to trace him or where he will attack nrxt," Dutton remarked. (next??)
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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YEA!!!! Something good to read!!!!!!!!! This is another good job of writing. I enjoyed reading. You keep the suspense high.
Dutton knew that would provide him therapy time (you can omit 'that')
"Bacause Adler was once one of us. ( Because??)
No real way to trace him or where he will attack nrxt," Dutton remarked. (next??)
Comment Written 29-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate the review.
