Reviews from

The Masseuse

You never know who or what enters your world.

23 total reviews 
Comment from dellsworthpoet
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

He had extreme muscle relaxation until rigor set in.

A wonderfully creepy tale. The pace is good. The images are appropriately dark. The dialogue is believable. The end seems like vindication.

A good read. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 27-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 28-Oct-2021
    Thank you for the great review and stars. I appreciate them both very much. Shirley
reply by dellsworthpoet on 28-Oct-2021
    You are welcome.
Comment from Cristine22
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I love the concept here, and you've done well holding my attention. But I was very confused about the characters and the POV. Are Donald and Edward the same person? I think being very clear about whose perspective you're writing from as well as clarifying the changes in perspective would make a huge difference and would help your awesome concept shine. Overall, good job and keep going!

 Comment Written 27-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 27-Oct-2021
    Hello, thank you for the review. I appreciate it very much. . Edward was the man Donald called on the phone and asked if everything was ready. Have a blessed evening Shirley
Comment from robyn corum
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Shirley,

So, let me get this straight. This demon and his master go about doing bad things for GOOD reasons? That's a new one. *smile* I think, usually, it would be the complete opposite, wouldn't it?

A nicely told story - with only a tiny glitch - here:
** The doorbell pealed like church bells. Edward promptly answered the door.
--> Charles? The butler - not the guy on the phone, right?

Thanks!


 Comment Written 27-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 27-Oct-2021
    I thought I had changed the Edward thing, but I will do it again. Thank you for the stars and review. Have a great day. Shirley
Comment from lancellot
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You have a good theme for your story. You made sure the reader would not like or morn the death of Donald immediately with all the usual troupes of a rich evil man. I would say, you may want to add more depth and character to the demon and Donald. They are surface level right now.

notes:

The doorbell pealed like church bells. {Edward} promptly answered the door.

- do you mean: Charles?

Add space before this:

April left her case, sitting on the floor by the door. Maybe I can catch her. Charles quickly opened the door, but there wasn't a trace of April Sanders.


"What are you talking about?(") Mr. Alexander has gone to the office," Charles replied.

- remove

Upon entering the gym [he or Charles] observed blood pooled underneath the massage table.

- add subject

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 27-Oct-2021
    Thank you so much for the wonderful review and stars. I appreciate the help. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
Comment from Terry Broxson
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very clever, and a good entry to the contest, good luck. I did like the imagery of the demon in the first paragraph. I also like the fact that the world kept turning and no cared about this jerk, but the demon and his master. The only thing I saw was that the "green smoothie" was misspelled. good job.

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 27-Oct-2021
    Thank you so much for the stars and review. I appreciate the kind words and the stars. Shirley
Comment from RPSaxena
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hello Shirley Mclain,
Nice piece of Horror and Thriller Fiction having lucid as well as perfectly matching the theme phraseology, captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end, and transparently depicting entrance plus work of Demon, Masseuse Miss April and Alexander's murder.
The whole episode emits the rays of horror and thrill.
Marvelous Presentation!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 26-Oct-2021
    Thank you so much for your very kind words and the stars. I do appreciate it. Shirley
reply by RPSaxena on 28-Oct-2021
    Shirley, Most Welcome!
    With best wishes,
    ~ RP
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This is a good scary story with well-done conversations and a very unlikeable soon-to-be-dead man. Only one thing I might suggest you change, you have Edward answering the doorbell. Best of luck with this.

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 26-Oct-2021
    I believe I got the door taken care of. Thank you so much for your kind words and the stars. I appreciate both very much.
Comment from Tpa
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You wrote an excellent story. I thought it would be better if you began with a hook to grab your reader like your dialogue line; Edward, "Is everything ready?" then, proceed with your beautiful descriptions, the entrance of your protagonists and your dialogue of the foundation of your plot. Remember those first few sentences that will make the reader want to continue. Happy writing

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 26-Oct-2021
    Thank you Tpa for your kind suggestion. I will take a look at it and see if I can come up with something different. I appreciate your kind words and the stars. Shirley
Comment from Alaskastory
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

"The Masseuse" is a good story and so appropriate for Halloween. I enjoyed but thought to suggest a few changes:

On 'Edward promptly answered the door' Shouldn't it be the butler Charles, not Edward?

To be more clear, you might: "Maybe I can catch her", Charles said as he quickly.....

Shouldn't this say Donald not Charles here? "averted by Charles Alexander's death."

Might add name here: "but they did find(Nicole,) Donald's regular masseuse's body

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
    Thank you so much for your great help. I will make the changes ASAP. I appresiate the review. Shirley
Comment from Richard Van Kirk
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Thank you for your post. I like the theme of revenge and murdering, demonic shape-shifting forces interfering with humans. However it seems that your work is a first draft in need of revision and editing. I think the characters need to be developed more deeply. I don't know what any of the players look like. I am not sure what a green lizard and bumpy toad actually look like, or how their child would look. The demon's head is misshapen but I'm not sure what it would look like if it wasn't. How would a regular green lizard crossed with bumpy toad's head look. As it clicked up the mine shaft, I pictured a crab-like creature. I'm not sure about green lizards, but I don't think toads click on rocks. The demon's private monologue does not fit. It may be better to have it think those thoughts than speak them out loud. I'm curious why Donald chuckled on his way to the shower. Donald had a set of strict routines he followed every day of his life, taught to him by his father to save problems from developing. It would be interesting to know what problems he was preventing and some of the routines he followed every day to prevent them from developing. Whatever the problems that could be fixed by the strict routine, staying alive was not one of them. When Donald is drinking his coffee he makes a call. It reads like the caller is asking him if everything is ready. But it is Donald asking someone else, whose name is Edward. It might be a good idea to review that paragraph, if it is important. You could use a new paragraph with Donald asking Edward. Charles is the butler, but when the door bell peals like a church bells, Edward answers the door and speaks to April. When April gives her story, it is Charles who tells her to wait in the foyer. You have a good premise of a master of demons overseeing the wonton killing of ruthless people trying to get more of the pie. A good theme. The story needs work. Keep writing, strive for perfection.

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2021


reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
    Thank you so much for your helpful review. I will be making changes ASAP. Shirley