My flaws?
Naming my flaws.3 total reviews
Comment from zanya
It's a great poetic portrayal of the idea that we are never really sure what our own flaws really are - we, no doubt recognise other people's flaws much more easily !! Lovely humorous touch! Has my vote.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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It's a great poetic portrayal of the idea that we are never really sure what our own flaws really are - we, no doubt recognise other people's flaws much more easily !! Lovely humorous touch! Has my vote.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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My flaw is thinking I don't have any when In fact, I have plenty. Just tried to put a little humor in the poem. Thanks Zanya. for the review and stars.
Comment from Susan Newell
Great little poem. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we have no humor. Better to focus on doing better than on mistakes.
But sometimes I slip, don't you. -- I think this could use a question mark.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Great little poem. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we have no humor. Better to focus on doing better than on mistakes.
But sometimes I slip, don't you. -- I think this could use a question mark.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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I enjoy putting a little laughter in some of my writings. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you, Susan,for thr review and stars.
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You are welcome.
Comment from SimianSavant
I am sure three stars feels unfairly harsh, especially considering your content is decent, your image is funny and your rhymes work! Please consider this an opportunity for growth rather than criticism of your ability and, I will be happy to revise my review rating up if you revise it and send me a message.
Let's talk a bit about meter. I hope I am not over-explaining. But anytime I write a rhyming poem I think about how I will read it out loud to someone.
I'm not perfect, you can bet,
But my flaws I forget.
Right in the first line you have established a nice clear meter:
(1)I'M not (2)PER-fect (3)YOU can (4)BET,
This is seven syllables, with an eighth implied by the comma at the end since we interpret commas as a pause.
But your next line only has six syllables.
(1)BUT my (2)FLAWS I (3)FOR-get
here we have two problems: 1-the natural accent of "forget" should be on the second syllable, so making the meter match with the first line makes the word sound unnatural. And 2-there is no beat 4 in this line. Here are two possible fixes I see:
A) Insert a comma after "flaws". This will change your meters to:
(1)BUT my (2)FLAWS, (3)I for-(4)GET
B) add an extra syllable, such as
(1)BUT my (2)FLAWS I (3)OFT for-(4)GET
Ok let's move on:
I (1)TRY to be (2)HON-est, (3)LOY-al and (4)TRUE,
nice, this works perfectly, with Beats 1 and 3 spoken as triplets and beat 2 as a double.
But (1)SOME-times I (2)SLIP, don't (3)YOU [??? where is the 4th beat?]
So to make these lines match you really need more material in the second rhyming half. For example, "but LIKE Justin TRUD-eau my PLANS go as-KEW."
I must be doing something right,
Friends call me day and night.
*You could fix this with "all my friends call day and night*
SomeTIMES I DON'T reTURN [my] CALLS,
I guess that's where my true fault falls.
*this will work if you add another syllable in the first line, as suggested above in brackets
But thinking back, I don't recall
Having may faults at all.
*that I have many faults at all* would work
I have no examples of fault, you see.
That's because I think a lot of me.
*you can force these to work by speaking them in triplets with the accent on the last beat, but it is not ideal or super obvious.
It would have to be
a (3) LOT of (4)ME that's be-(1)CAUSE, so you have to attach the first two triplets to beat 4 of the previous line to keep meters, and will have no time to speak a pause.
Also consider that your third to last and second to last lines are basically saying the same thing. Maybe you can change one of these lines to something humorous and pompous? Like something Trump would say.
Hope this is helpful to you!
Best,
Harambe
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I am sure three stars feels unfairly harsh, especially considering your content is decent, your image is funny and your rhymes work! Please consider this an opportunity for growth rather than criticism of your ability and, I will be happy to revise my review rating up if you revise it and send me a message.
Let's talk a bit about meter. I hope I am not over-explaining. But anytime I write a rhyming poem I think about how I will read it out loud to someone.
I'm not perfect, you can bet,
But my flaws I forget.
Right in the first line you have established a nice clear meter:
(1)I'M not (2)PER-fect (3)YOU can (4)BET,
This is seven syllables, with an eighth implied by the comma at the end since we interpret commas as a pause.
But your next line only has six syllables.
(1)BUT my (2)FLAWS I (3)FOR-get
here we have two problems: 1-the natural accent of "forget" should be on the second syllable, so making the meter match with the first line makes the word sound unnatural. And 2-there is no beat 4 in this line. Here are two possible fixes I see:
A) Insert a comma after "flaws". This will change your meters to:
(1)BUT my (2)FLAWS, (3)I for-(4)GET
B) add an extra syllable, such as
(1)BUT my (2)FLAWS I (3)OFT for-(4)GET
Ok let's move on:
I (1)TRY to be (2)HON-est, (3)LOY-al and (4)TRUE,
nice, this works perfectly, with Beats 1 and 3 spoken as triplets and beat 2 as a double.
But (1)SOME-times I (2)SLIP, don't (3)YOU [??? where is the 4th beat?]
So to make these lines match you really need more material in the second rhyming half. For example, "but LIKE Justin TRUD-eau my PLANS go as-KEW."
I must be doing something right,
Friends call me day and night.
*You could fix this with "all my friends call day and night*
SomeTIMES I DON'T reTURN [my] CALLS,
I guess that's where my true fault falls.
*this will work if you add another syllable in the first line, as suggested above in brackets
But thinking back, I don't recall
Having may faults at all.
*that I have many faults at all* would work
I have no examples of fault, you see.
That's because I think a lot of me.
*you can force these to work by speaking them in triplets with the accent on the last beat, but it is not ideal or super obvious.
It would have to be
a (3) LOT of (4)ME that's be-(1)CAUSE, so you have to attach the first two triplets to beat 4 of the previous line to keep meters, and will have no time to speak a pause.
Also consider that your third to last and second to last lines are basically saying the same thing. Maybe you can change one of these lines to something humorous and pompous? Like something Trump would say.
Hope this is helpful to you!
Best,
Harambe
Comment Written 22-Oct-2021
