Sam Bullets
A supernatural human being.2 total reviews
Comment from writer723
I very much enjoyed reading your excellent story. It really drew me in and captured my attention from start to finish. I found myself rooting for the main character all the way and wishing the best for the individual. Your depiction of this situation was quite emotional and touching to me. Your descriptive skills are exceptional and you express yourself very well.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2021
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I very much enjoyed reading your excellent story. It really drew me in and captured my attention from start to finish. I found myself rooting for the main character all the way and wishing the best for the individual. Your depiction of this situation was quite emotional and touching to me. Your descriptive skills are exceptional and you express yourself very well.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2021
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Thank you! You have made my day! I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
Comment from lancellot
Well, this is interesting. Not really a horror story. I'm going to be upfront. This needs expansion and context. You have 500 words to work with. You have enough to show 'not tell' a story. Give the whys, light development, engage the reader, illicit an emotional bond of some sort by allowing the reader to 'know' Sam. Show us who he is. Show us why he is in destress? Show us so we may feel it.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2021
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Well, this is interesting. Not really a horror story. I'm going to be upfront. This needs expansion and context. You have 500 words to work with. You have enough to show 'not tell' a story. Give the whys, light development, engage the reader, illicit an emotional bond of some sort by allowing the reader to 'know' Sam. Show us who he is. Show us why he is in destress? Show us so we may feel it.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2021
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Thank you! Okay, I have fixed the story. Please check it. Is it good enough for five stars now? Please read it again. Thanks for your help.
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Good on you for trying to improve. It takes time, and I believe you will get there, because you care.
With this, you've added more of the same content. There is a difference with context. There are some great examples on FanStory, from excellent authors. Don't rush it.
I wish you luck in the contest.
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Please read it. Show me what needs to be fixed. Thank you!
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Okay. Look at this line from your post.
He is a lost troubled soul.
- You are telling us this about him.
vs.
Sam dialed the same number. It was written down, but after six months he knew it by heart.
"Hello, crisis hotline. We are a voice for those in--"
"Hello, Julia. It's me."
"Sam! Oh my god, Sam. How are... never mind. Look, Sam, you can come into the center. We have people here who care. Dave and Susan are in today. They've... we've have all been worried about you. Please, Sam. Come in, or at least tell me where you are and I'll-"
Sam hung the phone up. A tear fell from his eyes. It was too late for that. Too late for more therapy. Too late.... for everyone.
Do you see a difference? Yes, showing takes more space and words, but at 500 you have wiggle room.
Remember a writer is just as much of an artist as a painter. What they do with brushes and colors, and angles. We do with words.
We both paint a picture. Let your words paint an in-depth picture.
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Okay, I have changed the story as you requested and added more telling to the story. Please check it. Is it good enough now for five stars?
