Traffic
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "The Fork"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
9 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
Good proofreading; I did not see any grammatical errors to edit. Here are some suggestions:
Begin with the action. "Fasten your seatbelts, ladies, we have a bumpy ride ahead of us."
*Tommy said* is a bit dull. The reader can probably figure out that it was Tommy. I do realize though that this is a carry-over from the last chapter.
In order to keep the action lighter for the reader, I would suggest streamlining this story by eliminating as many extraneous words as possible, and let the imaginations and deductions of the reader fill in some gaps. More showing less telling. For example, consider abbreviating or eliminating the last sentence of the story to make it scarier, as well as *their rapid breathing and heartbeats were slowing* (already implied by the previous sentence).
*the two cohorts looked at each other* it feels a bit odd to have a somewhat complex word followed by a very simple verb. Maybe use a synonym for cohorts? Or say they *exchanged glances*, which is more interesting and takes fewer words.
Another example: *Linda loves driving Liz's car; it is a lot like hers, but more spaceship-like. Her Toyota, 'Yota' as she affectionately calls it, doesn't have the slanted windshield with a long dashboard reaching forward and outward. They agree Liz's looks like a spaceship.* Here you are saying the same thing twice, in different styles of narrative, which can be a bit jarring. I suggest choosing one of those references which fits best with your narrative style, without breaking the action too much.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
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Good proofreading; I did not see any grammatical errors to edit. Here are some suggestions:
Begin with the action. "Fasten your seatbelts, ladies, we have a bumpy ride ahead of us."
*Tommy said* is a bit dull. The reader can probably figure out that it was Tommy. I do realize though that this is a carry-over from the last chapter.
In order to keep the action lighter for the reader, I would suggest streamlining this story by eliminating as many extraneous words as possible, and let the imaginations and deductions of the reader fill in some gaps. More showing less telling. For example, consider abbreviating or eliminating the last sentence of the story to make it scarier, as well as *their rapid breathing and heartbeats were slowing* (already implied by the previous sentence).
*the two cohorts looked at each other* it feels a bit odd to have a somewhat complex word followed by a very simple verb. Maybe use a synonym for cohorts? Or say they *exchanged glances*, which is more interesting and takes fewer words.
Another example: *Linda loves driving Liz's car; it is a lot like hers, but more spaceship-like. Her Toyota, 'Yota' as she affectionately calls it, doesn't have the slanted windshield with a long dashboard reaching forward and outward. They agree Liz's looks like a spaceship.* Here you are saying the same thing twice, in different styles of narrative, which can be a bit jarring. I suggest choosing one of those references which fits best with your narrative style, without breaking the action too much.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
thank you for your review. I will review your observations.
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
As I read, I enjoy the voice of the narrator as well as the dialogue between the characters.
I like your mention of PTSD and the effect it had on the ladies.
As I have little to no sense of direction, I was quite entertained by this chapter. Great read.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
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As I read, I enjoy the voice of the narrator as well as the dialogue between the characters.
I like your mention of PTSD and the effect it had on the ladies.
As I have little to no sense of direction, I was quite entertained by this chapter. Great read.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
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Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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I did :)
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nice to hear
Comment from Mabaker12
At last! now I'm right back where I should be. I'm afraid their car has been stolen, Tommy thinks so as well. You have a real 'hold your breath' story here Liz. I'm enjoying it. I went online yesterday and found a two-bedroom unit, which should suit our 'house-hunting perfectly. Only one catch it's completely off the Sunshine Coast, where we are now to inland some 400 k's from here. We searched truly we did, and the difference in rent $400 a week here to $265 there. So it's head down and bum up and begin packing. I HATE PACKING. Catch you soon, Love Anne
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2021
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At last! now I'm right back where I should be. I'm afraid their car has been stolen, Tommy thinks so as well. You have a real 'hold your breath' story here Liz. I'm enjoying it. I went online yesterday and found a two-bedroom unit, which should suit our 'house-hunting perfectly. Only one catch it's completely off the Sunshine Coast, where we are now to inland some 400 k's from here. We searched truly we did, and the difference in rent $400 a week here to $265 there. So it's head down and bum up and begin packing. I HATE PACKING. Catch you soon, Love Anne
Comment Written 01-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2021
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Thank you for the shiny one. It will balance out the whippin' I got from Carol Hillebrenner. She gave a 4. Shge said she liked the story but found all kinds of things she didn't like. You are salve to my wound...lol
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I guess you pay for the scenery and convenience 150 extra a month compared with the place you are considering.
I hate packing too. I've moved too many times. In addition to living situations. Work situations as a teacher were exhausting moving to different schools. I'm glad you're keeping me in the loop.
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You are so welcome
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a good story with a good plot-line, but the writing is a little stiff when going for simpler words would work better. e.g. The two young (or are they middle-aged or older?) women looked at each other and shrugged. Use face instead of countenance, and they couldn't see it darken, in fact, I don't think anyone can see a face darken. Maybe frown. However, they can't see that because they are behind him. Liz could turn from squinting at the car that looked so like hers. There are also several missing little words (at, in, the). Your ideas are good but you need to edit for simpler words.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2021
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This is a good story with a good plot-line, but the writing is a little stiff when going for simpler words would work better. e.g. The two young (or are they middle-aged or older?) women looked at each other and shrugged. Use face instead of countenance, and they couldn't see it darken, in fact, I don't think anyone can see a face darken. Maybe frown. However, they can't see that because they are behind him. Liz could turn from squinting at the car that looked so like hers. There are also several missing little words (at, in, the). Your ideas are good but you need to edit for simpler words.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Judy Lawless
So I'm thinking that the car back at the garage might be Liz's after all? I'm surprised they didn't investigate it further before going out on the search.
This is an exciting chapter, Liz. A couple of things: 1) You had them putting their seat belts on after Tommy's warning at the beginning, and then said that Liz didn't put hers on until the road got rough, later on.
2) "Their expert chauffeur(,) reassured them..." - no comma needed here
3) "Oh no, there that house 'Gruff' let 'Big Nose' off at." Try this: "Oh no, there's the house where 'Gruff' let 'Big Nose' off."
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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So I'm thinking that the car back at the garage might be Liz's after all? I'm surprised they didn't investigate it further before going out on the search.
This is an exciting chapter, Liz. A couple of things: 1) You had them putting their seat belts on after Tommy's warning at the beginning, and then said that Liz didn't put hers on until the road got rough, later on.
2) "Their expert chauffeur(,) reassured them..." - no comma needed here
3) "Oh no, there that house 'Gruff' let 'Big Nose' off at." Try this: "Oh no, there's the house where 'Gruff' let 'Big Nose' off."
Comment Written 29-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your sharp-eyed review. I have attended to you observations. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Ricky1024
"The Fork"
A chapter in your book entitled, "Traffic"
I enjoyed this chapter and adventure and look forward to what's going to happen next?
It was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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"The Fork"
A chapter in your book entitled, "Traffic"
I enjoyed this chapter and adventure and look forward to what's going to happen next?
It was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 29-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your sharp-eyed review. As I've may have said before, this is similar to my style of review. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Comment from aryr
What a great continuation chapter, Liz. I simply loved the discussion of the dirt, back roads that intrigued Liz and Linda and that were of interest to Tommy. Sadly, it became apparent to Tommy that they had little or no hope in finding the girl's car. Yet the story shall continue, lol. Very well done and immensely enjoyed.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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What a great continuation chapter, Liz. I simply loved the discussion of the dirt, back roads that intrigued Liz and Linda and that were of interest to Tommy. Sadly, it became apparent to Tommy that they had little or no hope in finding the girl's car. Yet the story shall continue, lol. Very well done and immensely enjoyed.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your heart- felt review. I'm so glad you are enjoying it.
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It was great, I love following the book of adventures and you are most welcome, Liz.
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****Smile****
Comment from lyenochka
So they have to go back and check out the car that they thought looked like Liz's car because it probably is, right?
Good depiction of how people can react after living through a traumatic experience like our ladies have been through!
Their expert chauffeur, reassured them. (no comma needed)
Question:
Is Linda saying/thinking this sentence?
I guess I will not be driving Liz's car 'til we reach hardtop. I will be her navigator. (I was surprised to see the first person 'I' used without any quotation marks.)
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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So they have to go back and check out the car that they thought looked like Liz's car because it probably is, right?
Good depiction of how people can react after living through a traumatic experience like our ladies have been through!
Their expert chauffeur, reassured them. (no comma needed)
Question:
Is Linda saying/thinking this sentence?
I guess I will not be driving Liz's car 'til we reach hardtop. I will be her navigator. (I was surprised to see the first person 'I' used without any quotation marks.)
Comment Written 29-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your sharp-eyed review. I will attend to your observations.
Comment from Zhen Xuan Liu
This is a great general fiction! I can see the effort you put into this and the conversations are intriguing and well-embedded. I am thorough captivated the whole I was reading this. Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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This is a great general fiction! I can see the effort you put into this and the conversations are intriguing and well-embedded. I am thorough captivated the whole I was reading this. Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 29-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. I'm glad you liked it.
