Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Ghost Girl"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
10 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
That's a terrible situation that Crystal/Chrissy has found herself in. I guess you will weave her story in with her connection to her father. Hope they all meet together and that her mother's prayers will be answered...
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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That's a terrible situation that Crystal/Chrissy has found herself in. I guess you will weave her story in with her connection to her father. Hope they all meet together and that her mother's prayers will be answered...
Comment Written 30-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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Thanks for the review. It's been awhile since I posted a chapter. Took some time off from writing.
Comment from Alaskastory
"Ghost Girl" introduces a surprise part of the story to me and it is fascinate readers. I'm so glad you added a character list, it is so easy to otherwise get the characters mixed up when we don't have all the pages to check. I look forward to the next part.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2021
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"Ghost Girl" introduces a surprise part of the story to me and it is fascinate readers. I'm so glad you added a character list, it is so easy to otherwise get the characters mixed up when we don't have all the pages to check. I look forward to the next part.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2021
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Thanks Marie! I was concerned about bridging this where it takes on a whole new dynamic. Your thumbs up motivates me to get the next install ready soon.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
This is a hard story. It's real but so difficult to consider. I think you are doing the storyline a good service - but too often you are resorting to TELLING instead of SHOWING. Often you can know you're doing this when you catch yourself using 'filter words'. I'll give you a website in a second that will share more about it.
Other:
1.) where peep shows might give her (a) pass on her youth and inexperience.
2.) From downtown Buffalo area, Crystal wasn't far from home in Amherst suburb where Mom prayed for her every day.
--> In downtown Buffalo, Crystal wasn't far from the Amherst suburban home where her mother prayed for her every day.
3.) Every city (has a) seedy side of town.
4.) her milky window were abandoned brick building(s) ready for a wrecking ball.
5.) Spike looked (like) he heard an insult hurled his way.
6.) He looked like he could hit her for what he thought he heard.
--> just used 'looked like' in the previous paragraph.
7.) Don't you forget it," (h)e said, stroking her filthy blonde hair.
Here is that info I promised:
https://annerallen.com/2017/06/filter-words-and-phrases-to-avoid-in-writing/
Thanks so much!
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Stan,
This is a hard story. It's real but so difficult to consider. I think you are doing the storyline a good service - but too often you are resorting to TELLING instead of SHOWING. Often you can know you're doing this when you catch yourself using 'filter words'. I'll give you a website in a second that will share more about it.
Other:
1.) where peep shows might give her (a) pass on her youth and inexperience.
2.) From downtown Buffalo area, Crystal wasn't far from home in Amherst suburb where Mom prayed for her every day.
--> In downtown Buffalo, Crystal wasn't far from the Amherst suburban home where her mother prayed for her every day.
3.) Every city (has a) seedy side of town.
4.) her milky window were abandoned brick building(s) ready for a wrecking ball.
5.) Spike looked (like) he heard an insult hurled his way.
6.) He looked like he could hit her for what he thought he heard.
--> just used 'looked like' in the previous paragraph.
7.) Don't you forget it," (h)e said, stroking her filthy blonde hair.
Here is that info I promised:
https://annerallen.com/2017/06/filter-words-and-phrases-to-avoid-in-writing/
Thanks so much!
Comment Written 28-Sep-2021
Comment from Ben Colder
I know this is a fictional story, but it is natural in so many ways. It is happening as we write, and so sad it does exist. Nigra Falls, I have been there in 64. Loved the Queens Hwy in Canada. Well done, Bro. My best to you.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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I know this is a fictional story, but it is natural in so many ways. It is happening as we write, and so sad it does exist. Nigra Falls, I have been there in 64. Loved the Queens Hwy in Canada. Well done, Bro. My best to you.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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Thanks again Ben. Hope all is well.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
Your detailed narrative in this chapter does a remarkably fine job of describing the darkness in the world where these people live. there is no joy, only survival. Survival is painful and it is like being beaten with a steel rod every day.
This is a good chapter as you progress along the story of Chrissy.
Robert
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Hello Stan.
Your detailed narrative in this chapter does a remarkably fine job of describing the darkness in the world where these people live. there is no joy, only survival. Survival is painful and it is like being beaten with a steel rod every day.
This is a good chapter as you progress along the story of Chrissy.
Robert
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thanks Robert.
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You're welcome. You might like the Limerick I posted. HAHAHA
Comment from BethShelby
This girl has a sad story. I know there si always hope but it will talke a lot to salvage this girl's life. I can't wait to see what Luke with do abou tthe information he now has.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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This girl has a sad story. I know there si always hope but it will talke a lot to salvage this girl's life. I can't wait to see what Luke with do abou tthe information he now has.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thanks Beth!
Comment from dellsworthpoet
This piece moves at a good pace. The characters are believable. The scene is a good set up for a story and the end of this piece is at a good point. It generates interest to continue reading.
Suggestions:
"Every city had the seedy side of town. Buffalo was no different." This sentence has a pulp fiction feel to it and is trite. I would lose the "Buffalo was no different." It is an unneeded phrase since Buffalo is part of every city.
"From Crystal's view through her milky window were abandoned brick building ready for a wrecking ball."
Here the sentence doesn't need the "from". Also Crystal's is still singular though possessive so the verb would be was.
For this scene I would also look for words that have the sound of despair, harshness, and even sorrow.
For example think about: dilapidated motel vs run-down motel.
A good story. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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This piece moves at a good pace. The characters are believable. The scene is a good set up for a story and the end of this piece is at a good point. It generates interest to continue reading.
Suggestions:
"Every city had the seedy side of town. Buffalo was no different." This sentence has a pulp fiction feel to it and is trite. I would lose the "Buffalo was no different." It is an unneeded phrase since Buffalo is part of every city.
"From Crystal's view through her milky window were abandoned brick building ready for a wrecking ball."
Here the sentence doesn't need the "from". Also Crystal's is still singular though possessive so the verb would be was.
For this scene I would also look for words that have the sound of despair, harshness, and even sorrow.
For example think about: dilapidated motel vs run-down motel.
A good story. Keep writing.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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Thanks!
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You are welcome.
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You are welcome.
Comment from PoemsOfDD
I enjoyed this read. It is well written and held my interest to the end.
The descriptions of scenes are good, allowing the reader to feel as well as see the story.
Just a couple of comments, if I may...
- But it might as well have been another country or the Grand Canyon between them,
I thought this line might read better stating the word - country - after the GC seeing as another country is further away in distance than the GC to where Crystal sat.
But it might as well have been the Grand Canyon or another country between them,
Next, edits made with ( ).
- From Crystal's view(,) through her milky window were abandoned brick building(s) ready for a wrecking ball.
- Still in a stupor from last night's shot in the arm(,) she found some crack residue on the cheap dresser.
- Spike looked (at her hard). (H)e heard an insult hurled his way. "What you say? My fault."
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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I enjoyed this read. It is well written and held my interest to the end.
The descriptions of scenes are good, allowing the reader to feel as well as see the story.
Just a couple of comments, if I may...
- But it might as well have been another country or the Grand Canyon between them,
I thought this line might read better stating the word - country - after the GC seeing as another country is further away in distance than the GC to where Crystal sat.
But it might as well have been the Grand Canyon or another country between them,
Next, edits made with ( ).
- From Crystal's view(,) through her milky window were abandoned brick building(s) ready for a wrecking ball.
- Still in a stupor from last night's shot in the arm(,) she found some crack residue on the cheap dresser.
- Spike looked (at her hard). (H)e heard an insult hurled his way. "What you say? My fault."
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2021
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Thanks for the input.
Comment from Sherry Asbury
Raw subjects are handled with delicacy but honesty. You are a very good writer and a great family man it seems. How hard some children have life - to feel like a ghost must be devastating. Very nice work here.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Raw subjects are handled with delicacy but honesty. You are a very good writer and a great family man it seems. How hard some children have life - to feel like a ghost must be devastating. Very nice work here.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thanks so much!
Comment from Eternal Muse
This was an interesting story, well written and presented. I liked your characters and how they interact with each other. Excellent descriptive imagery, good used of a dialogue.
Thank you very much for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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This was an interesting story, well written and presented. I liked your characters and how they interact with each other. Excellent descriptive imagery, good used of a dialogue.
Thank you very much for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thanks!
