Moving Mountains
flash kidnapped story20 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I think every Batchelor party I ever went to when young, the groom to be never really enjoyed, but something had to be done about the "hitching" up one chose to do, and pay the price. Heh heh, well done, an excellent entry in this contest. Beautifully done, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : Grin splitting his (face) in two.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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I think every Batchelor party I ever went to when young, the groom to be never really enjoyed, but something had to be done about the "hitching" up one chose to do, and pay the price. Heh heh, well done, an excellent entry in this contest. Beautifully done, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : Grin splitting his (face) in two.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Thank for for reading and reviewing.
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Well done
Comment from Mary Shifman
Okay, you got me! You told an edgy story, unraveling the details a tiny bit at a time and the ending was a total surprise. Gil was obviously terrified. I think the groomsmen are fortunate that he didn't clobber them before indulging in his beer. I'm not sure I wouldn't have done so. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Okay, you got me! You told an edgy story, unraveling the details a tiny bit at a time and the ending was a total surprise. Gil was obviously terrified. I think the groomsmen are fortunate that he didn't clobber them before indulging in his beer. I'm not sure I wouldn't have done so. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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As long as he makes the wedding...
Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
I'd kill 'em. Hun'ert percent. Dead. They wouldn't make it to the wedding; no way. Dead, dead, dead. Those guys are not the kind of guys you want to stand up with you. Uh UH.
Anyway. This was definitely different. Certainly not what I was expecting. It was an interesting offering, that's for sure! hahahaha
I saw a few spots that needed some attention -- some reworking and polishing. --wink-- I've made some notes for you below, and you are welcome to use what you like OR chuck the whole lot. hahahha Only you know what you're trying to do here and I get that. I'll share what I'm seeing and then you can pick and choose what helps get your story where you want it.
Here we go:
1.) but the vicious tasting rag shoved in his throat was the worst.
--> you really can't say 'in his throat' - those are DYING words'. It can be around his mouth. IN his mouth. Duct-taped to his mouth. Whatever. But nothing can be IN HIS THROAT.
2.) A door opened(,) allowing more distinct noise to filter in from another room... laughter.
--> distinct noise(s)
--> delete 'more'
3.) If you DO change that line to 'distinct noises' - then the next line should be:
--> (They) faded again as the door closed.
4.) Heavy footsteps moving in his direction.
--> not a complete sentence. I realize he's in a strange situation and may just be registering details and not composing lovely whole paragraphs - *smile* - but I think it would be better as:
--> Then heavy footsteps moved in his direction.
5.) Straining against the restraints did nothing except make Gil more uncomfortable.
--> 'straining' /'restraints' use the same root word - need to change one of them
--> also, this sentence isn't really SAYING anything, right? We would already know this - no matter who it is or what the situation - can you say this in a way that speaks directly to GIL and THIS situation and make it seem unique and different? I mean, anyone who is restrained would be uncomfortable, right?
6.) Gil blinked(,) taking in his surroundings.
7.) He spun around to come face-to-face with his best man, Conor, (who had a) grin splitting his (face) in (delete extra spaces) two.
--> I'm not sure what you were planning to say (but left out here) It looked like it would be 'face' again. But you don't need to repeat that word, either. What can you say instead?
8.) Gil looked down at the bottle of beer in his hand, unscrewed it, took a long swig
--> I don't understand this at all. Do you know how much a keg costs? Why would they buy a keg for the night and then ALSO buy bottled beer? That makes no sense to me.
I think you have a good first draft of the story, but it needs to get past another edit or two. Those are the hardest parts for me - but they are also the parts where you can make the most difference.
Good luck - hope something here may help. Thanks!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Dear Mystery Writer,
I'd kill 'em. Hun'ert percent. Dead. They wouldn't make it to the wedding; no way. Dead, dead, dead. Those guys are not the kind of guys you want to stand up with you. Uh UH.
Anyway. This was definitely different. Certainly not what I was expecting. It was an interesting offering, that's for sure! hahahaha
I saw a few spots that needed some attention -- some reworking and polishing. --wink-- I've made some notes for you below, and you are welcome to use what you like OR chuck the whole lot. hahahha Only you know what you're trying to do here and I get that. I'll share what I'm seeing and then you can pick and choose what helps get your story where you want it.
Here we go:
1.) but the vicious tasting rag shoved in his throat was the worst.
--> you really can't say 'in his throat' - those are DYING words'. It can be around his mouth. IN his mouth. Duct-taped to his mouth. Whatever. But nothing can be IN HIS THROAT.
2.) A door opened(,) allowing more distinct noise to filter in from another room... laughter.
--> distinct noise(s)
--> delete 'more'
3.) If you DO change that line to 'distinct noises' - then the next line should be:
--> (They) faded again as the door closed.
4.) Heavy footsteps moving in his direction.
--> not a complete sentence. I realize he's in a strange situation and may just be registering details and not composing lovely whole paragraphs - *smile* - but I think it would be better as:
--> Then heavy footsteps moved in his direction.
5.) Straining against the restraints did nothing except make Gil more uncomfortable.
--> 'straining' /'restraints' use the same root word - need to change one of them
--> also, this sentence isn't really SAYING anything, right? We would already know this - no matter who it is or what the situation - can you say this in a way that speaks directly to GIL and THIS situation and make it seem unique and different? I mean, anyone who is restrained would be uncomfortable, right?
6.) Gil blinked(,) taking in his surroundings.
7.) He spun around to come face-to-face with his best man, Conor, (who had a) grin splitting his (face) in (delete extra spaces) two.
--> I'm not sure what you were planning to say (but left out here) It looked like it would be 'face' again. But you don't need to repeat that word, either. What can you say instead?
8.) Gil looked down at the bottle of beer in his hand, unscrewed it, took a long swig
--> I don't understand this at all. Do you know how much a keg costs? Why would they buy a keg for the night and then ALSO buy bottled beer? That makes no sense to me.
I think you have a good first draft of the story, but it needs to get past another edit or two. Those are the hardest parts for me - but they are also the parts where you can make the most difference.
Good luck - hope something here may help. Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Many thanks for the in-depth review but I think I'll let it stand as it is.
I haven't had as low a rating as this for years... I think I'll print it out and frame it! lol
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is well-written and the terror is obvious in the first few sentences. The ending is unexpected, which is good as there were no hints previously. He certainly didn't know his bridal party as well as he thought. I hope Gil has a sense of humor.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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This is well-written and the terror is obvious in the first few sentences. The ending is unexpected, which is good as there were no hints previously. He certainly didn't know his bridal party as well as he thought. I hope Gil has a sense of humor.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Let's just make sure he makes the wedding!
Many thanks for the read and review.
Comment from RodG
You do a marvelous job of SETTING THE SCENE. We readers can easily visualize Gil, captive in his chair. We then view all events forthcoming from his perspective. Just enough dialog early to build tension. Now ask me if I think a best man would kidnap the groom like this? Ah, does it matter what I think? A great story told in less than 500 words.
Rod
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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You do a marvelous job of SETTING THE SCENE. We readers can easily visualize Gil, captive in his chair. We then view all events forthcoming from his perspective. Just enough dialog early to build tension. Now ask me if I think a best man would kidnap the groom like this? Ah, does it matter what I think? A great story told in less than 500 words.
Rod
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Many thanks for reading and reviewing, especially for the super rating as well.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a very good entry for the Kidnapped writing prompt.
The story is clear and well told and the ending a big surprise.
Well done and good luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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I think this is a very good entry for the Kidnapped writing prompt.
The story is clear and well told and the ending a big surprise.
Well done and good luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Many thanks for taking the time to read and review.
Comment from NABattaglia
Haha nice evolution from something scary into something funny and even pleasurable--even though the bottom of that keg won't be lol Not saying that from experience or anything... thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Haha nice evolution from something scary into something funny and even pleasurable--even though the bottom of that keg won't be lol Not saying that from experience or anything... thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Thank you for checking this one out.
Comment from Seshadri_Sreenivasan
Brilliantly rendered. I was hooked from the very first sentence and was imagining myself in Gil's pace. What an imagery and what a surprise finish. The class shows. Bravo. Looks like a sure shot winner! here goes my last six which i had saved for the best work for the week.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Brilliantly rendered. I was hooked from the very first sentence and was imagining myself in Gil's pace. What an imagery and what a surprise finish. The class shows. Bravo. Looks like a sure shot winner! here goes my last six which i had saved for the best work for the week.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Many thanks for the super rating, read and review.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This writing prompt entry had a twist I did not expect. I enjoyed reading. My major suggestion is to change some of your sentences, like I did this one to make it stronger.
Heavy footsteps moving in his direction. (TRY - Heavy footsteps moved in his direction. It makes the sentence stronger.)
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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This writing prompt entry had a twist I did not expect. I enjoyed reading. My major suggestion is to change some of your sentences, like I did this one to make it stronger.
Heavy footsteps moving in his direction. (TRY - Heavy footsteps moved in his direction. It makes the sentence stronger.)
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Comment from dellsworthpoet
An intriguing tale.
The tension was allowed to grow and not resolved until the end. The flow is good. The dialogue is believable. The ending is a surprise.
The only concern was this sentence:
"He spun around to come face-to-face with his best man, Conor, grin splitting in his two."
I don't quite get what "his two" means. Should clarify.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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An intriguing tale.
The tension was allowed to grow and not resolved until the end. The flow is good. The dialogue is believable. The ending is a surprise.
The only concern was this sentence:
"He spun around to come face-to-face with his best man, Conor, grin splitting in his two."
I don't quite get what "his two" means. Should clarify.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2021
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That should have read 'splitting his in two'. Much appreciated.
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You are welcome.
