Love and Tragedy
The cost of love.9 total reviews
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is a very sad, emotional story, one of great tragedy, in which this young widow could not face the future without her beloved husband; moreover, there was the additional burden that she blamed herself for his death. There is a terrible abundance of gun violence these days, causing misery to many people and families.
I found some errors and also made some suggestions:
He gently stroked her moist skin with his thumbs until the shaking stop,
-->
He gently stroked her moist skin with his thumbs until the shaking stopped,
Carol threw open the curtains letting light into the once dark space.
-->
Carol threw open the curtains, letting light into the once dark space.
Buck strong-armed his 27-year-old daughter in the shower turning on the water.
-->
Buck strong-armed his 27-year-old daughter in the shower, turning on the water.
"Cold, Huh," her father said gruffly,
-->
"Cold, huh," her father said gruffly,
she leaped forward toward the knobs only to be meant with rejection.
-->
she leaped forward toward the knobs only to be met with rejection.
A large and sudden water folly hit her head-on,
-->
A large and sudden water stream hit her head-on,
"That little girl didn't have to live through this pain.'
-->
"That little girl didn't have to live through this pain."
Holly Chuckled slightly,
-->
Holly chuckled slightly,
She moved forward on her systems auto-pilot,
-->
She moved forward on her system's auto-pilot,
The world was blurred and misshaped.
-->
The world was blurred and misshapen.
The grieving widow clung to the casket running her fingers down her husband's face.
-->
The grieving widow clung to the casket, running her fingers down her husband's face.
As if he was a bodyguard and his daughter his charge, Buck stood guard outside the limp door.
-->
As if he was a bodyguard and his daughter his charge, Buck stood guard outside the limo door.
Her body numbed as he urged mourners to celebrate Jim's life and that he was returning home.
-->
Her body numbed as he urged mourners to celebrate Ted's life and preached that he was returning home.
"for that reason, I hope he goes first."
-->
"for that reason, I hope I go first." [that's what she said earlier... and are you sure you want her to repeat it?]
Buck, understanding the signal walked to them.
-->
Buck, understanding the signal, walked to them.
Not wanting to alarm her parents to her departure,
-->
Not wanting to alert her parents to her departure,
Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a vile.
-->
Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a vial.
"Forever..." she let out her final breath joining her husband in death.
-->
"Forever..." she let out her final breath, joining her husband in death.
***
Your story is believable, and echoes back to the story of Romeo and Juliet, and even West Side Story; star-crossed lovers -- but these two were already married, and looking forward to a lifetime of happiness. If the post hadn't been classified as "Horror and Thriller Fiction," I wouldn't have fully expected a tragic ending, but it was better to be prepared.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2021
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This is a very sad, emotional story, one of great tragedy, in which this young widow could not face the future without her beloved husband; moreover, there was the additional burden that she blamed herself for his death. There is a terrible abundance of gun violence these days, causing misery to many people and families.
I found some errors and also made some suggestions:
He gently stroked her moist skin with his thumbs until the shaking stop,
-->
He gently stroked her moist skin with his thumbs until the shaking stopped,
Carol threw open the curtains letting light into the once dark space.
-->
Carol threw open the curtains, letting light into the once dark space.
Buck strong-armed his 27-year-old daughter in the shower turning on the water.
-->
Buck strong-armed his 27-year-old daughter in the shower, turning on the water.
"Cold, Huh," her father said gruffly,
-->
"Cold, huh," her father said gruffly,
she leaped forward toward the knobs only to be meant with rejection.
-->
she leaped forward toward the knobs only to be met with rejection.
A large and sudden water folly hit her head-on,
-->
A large and sudden water stream hit her head-on,
"That little girl didn't have to live through this pain.'
-->
"That little girl didn't have to live through this pain."
Holly Chuckled slightly,
-->
Holly chuckled slightly,
She moved forward on her systems auto-pilot,
-->
She moved forward on her system's auto-pilot,
The world was blurred and misshaped.
-->
The world was blurred and misshapen.
The grieving widow clung to the casket running her fingers down her husband's face.
-->
The grieving widow clung to the casket, running her fingers down her husband's face.
As if he was a bodyguard and his daughter his charge, Buck stood guard outside the limp door.
-->
As if he was a bodyguard and his daughter his charge, Buck stood guard outside the limo door.
Her body numbed as he urged mourners to celebrate Jim's life and that he was returning home.
-->
Her body numbed as he urged mourners to celebrate Ted's life and preached that he was returning home.
"for that reason, I hope he goes first."
-->
"for that reason, I hope I go first." [that's what she said earlier... and are you sure you want her to repeat it?]
Buck, understanding the signal walked to them.
-->
Buck, understanding the signal, walked to them.
Not wanting to alarm her parents to her departure,
-->
Not wanting to alert her parents to her departure,
Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a vile.
-->
Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a vial.
"Forever..." she let out her final breath joining her husband in death.
-->
"Forever..." she let out her final breath, joining her husband in death.
***
Your story is believable, and echoes back to the story of Romeo and Juliet, and even West Side Story; star-crossed lovers -- but these two were already married, and looking forward to a lifetime of happiness. If the post hadn't been classified as "Horror and Thriller Fiction," I wouldn't have fully expected a tragic ending, but it was better to be prepared.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much for taking the time to point out things my eyes have missed. The mind knows what's supposed to be there that is why having others review is so helpful.
Just a note: It was not her mother that said that line "For that reason, I hope I go first." The first time was her father and the second was her mother. I thought it a bit ironic they both said the same thing.
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You're very welcome, Mia. I'm happy to help.
I realize that in the second instance, it was her mother speaking; but did you realize the error I pointed out there -- that she said she hoped he dies first? How can someone fear losing someone, yet hope that person will die first? Check it out...
It's always something couples wrestle with, knowing that apart from a tragic accident in which both die together, one will always be left alone, at some point in life.
God bless you, my friend.
Love, Mary Kay xoxo
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But you were right, that it was a different person talking each time :-)
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The line where they each say they wish they would go first is a joke. My husband and, well, my whole family, all have a odd and dark sense of humor.
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That's very interesting, but it probably helps you all get through life!
You have a really cute dog picture for a profile pic :-)
Comment from SHABAMO
Beautifully written and well done. I wish I hadn't used all my 6 stars so early. No recommendations other than I hope you publish this as a full book one day!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2021
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Beautifully written and well done. I wish I hadn't used all my 6 stars so early. No recommendations other than I hope you publish this as a full book one day!
Comment Written 03-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2021
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Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I am honored you feel it deserved six stars.
Comment from Ric Myworld
It actually happens all too often, when a person forfeits their life to join a loved one. But it doesn't happen. Two lives are lost, rather than just one. Life truly is for the living. So, when a loved one dies, it's time to start a new life, difficult as it is. I figured she was going to his grave to die. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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It actually happens all too often, when a person forfeits their life to join a loved one. But it doesn't happen. Two lives are lost, rather than just one. Life truly is for the living. So, when a loved one dies, it's time to start a new life, difficult as it is. I figured she was going to his grave to die. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you for reading.
Comment from NANCY V. FORREST
A sad, sad story that is well told with realistic dialogue and responses on the part of the characters. It is so easy to wish to join a loved one in death, although the parents were correct--the husband would not have wished his young wife to join him as she did.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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A sad, sad story that is well told with realistic dialogue and responses on the part of the characters. It is so easy to wish to join a loved one in death, although the parents were correct--the husband would not have wished his young wife to join him as she did.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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He would not have have wan ted her to follow. Thank you for taking the time to review.
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:-)
Comment from Mary Shifman
Wow, this is a powerful story! I felt for Holly and her grief at having been destroyed by senseless act of violence, but the ending shocked me. Your story is suspenseful, fast paced story with a surprise ending. I expected her to utilize the support of her loving family and get a grip. I guess that's what happens though, when people can't stand the process of waiting for the pain to ease. Very sad story. Nothing jumped out at me as far as corrections are concerned. Great story.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Wow, this is a powerful story! I felt for Holly and her grief at having been destroyed by senseless act of violence, but the ending shocked me. Your story is suspenseful, fast paced story with a surprise ending. I expected her to utilize the support of her loving family and get a grip. I guess that's what happens though, when people can't stand the process of waiting for the pain to ease. Very sad story. Nothing jumped out at me as far as corrections are concerned. Great story.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thank you. I am so glad you enjoyed it. The ending was a surprise to many.
Comment from Beejay
Oh, I wasn't t ready for that ending...I was travelling along with the characters, who were gently telling me the story, I totally believed in them. Why didn't Holly listen to her parents? It was a very good read..thank you
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Oh, I wasn't t ready for that ending...I was travelling along with the characters, who were gently telling me the story, I totally believed in them. Why didn't Holly listen to her parents? It was a very good read..thank you
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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I am so glad you liked it. I wanted to go against what the reader would expect to happen. Thank you for your wonderful review.
Comment from LisaMay
Oh my gosh - those poor parents! This story is an emotional overload. You've described the parents' concern really well and the widow's loss and feelings of guilt are handled superbly too, but I feel you have overdone it somewhat. Pared back it could be more effective by being less obvious about tugging at heartstrings.
Some correction suggestions:
A large and sudden water folly hit her head-on (maybe it should be volley rather than folly)
Holly Chuckled slightly, (doesn't need a capital C for chuckled)
She moved forward on her systems auto-pilot (add possessive apostrophe in system's)
Buck stood guard outside the limp door. (should be limo)
at the sight of the wooden casket that held her husband inside. (I think adding inside is unnecessary)
Her body numbed as he urged mourners to celebrate Jim's life (you've changed his name - it's Ted elsewhere)
Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a vile. (It's spelled vial or phial)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Oh my gosh - those poor parents! This story is an emotional overload. You've described the parents' concern really well and the widow's loss and feelings of guilt are handled superbly too, but I feel you have overdone it somewhat. Pared back it could be more effective by being less obvious about tugging at heartstrings.
Some correction suggestions:
A large and sudden water folly hit her head-on (maybe it should be volley rather than folly)
Holly Chuckled slightly, (doesn't need a capital C for chuckled)
She moved forward on her systems auto-pilot (add possessive apostrophe in system's)
Buck stood guard outside the limp door. (should be limo)
at the sight of the wooden casket that held her husband inside. (I think adding inside is unnecessary)
Her body numbed as he urged mourners to celebrate Jim's life (you've changed his name - it's Ted elsewhere)
Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a vile. (It's spelled vial or phial)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for finding those errors and for your suggestions. I went over it with my husband a few times but sometimes the eyes just see what you want them to see.
Comment from royowen
It would surely be incredibly difficult to lose a hubby so early in life as Holly did, but it seems she haa a sensible father, and mum is trying hard to be supportive, a good plot and characters, but could do with some, editing, I've come across a couple to correct, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : only to be me(ant) by rejection. 2: Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a {vile) Query : A water folly?
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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It would surely be incredibly difficult to lose a hubby so early in life as Holly did, but it seems she haa a sensible father, and mum is trying hard to be supportive, a good plot and characters, but could do with some, editing, I've come across a couple to correct, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : only to be me(ant) by rejection. 2: Holly rooted in the pockets and pulled out a {vile) Query : A water folly?
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thank you for finding those errors. The "water folly" is meant to say "water volley," which is a strong blast of water.
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Of course
Comment from J.R. Michael
I was really rooting for Holly the whole time. But, as you so eloquently laid out, grief can make people do desperate things. You paced the story nicely and I was hooked the whole time. The dialogue was very believable.
That's not an easy thing to do when the subject matter is a serious one.
Nicely done.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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I was really rooting for Holly the whole time. But, as you so eloquently laid out, grief can make people do desperate things. You paced the story nicely and I was hooked the whole time. The dialogue was very believable.
That's not an easy thing to do when the subject matter is a serious one.
Nicely done.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I am honored that you were engaged with the story.
