Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Fugitive"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
11 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Very nice. You can tell this guy is straddling the lines of good and bad. He is certainly not used to this life of crime and his conscience expects some kind of punishment to turn up any minute. I like that a lot because it seems realistic. For a man who has lived by the letter of the law all his life - I would think it might be an adjustment (to say the least) to step over to the dark side.
I did see a few places you might want to make changes - notes follow, in case:
1.) leaving out the batteries and the (sim) card.
--> why couldn't he just turn it off? (Otherwise, seems like a lot of work)
2.) (I)f (the) authorities came to take him down,
3.) dusty mattress, looked up at the swirling m(o)tes in the beams of
sunlight.
--> dust motes are tiny specks of dust
--> mites are little bloodsucking bugs
4.) His two-day beard and his mousy, matted hair, --vs--
the paragraph before that one that says:
--> A FEW DAYS later, he suspected no one looked for him
5.) he could smell the fishy water and breath(e) in the cool sweet air.
6.) He allowed himself (to) slide over the glassy water beneath the crackling fireworks over his head,
--> delete 'over his head' since that's implied
7.) to slip away from reality until it caught up to him.
--> this doesn't quite sound right - like it happens immediately after itself, if that makes sense? (consider something like:)
--> He allowed himself to slide over the glassy water beneath the crackling fireworks; to slip away from reality, even knowing life/his sins would eventually catch up with him.
Thanks and good luck!
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Stan,
Very nice. You can tell this guy is straddling the lines of good and bad. He is certainly not used to this life of crime and his conscience expects some kind of punishment to turn up any minute. I like that a lot because it seems realistic. For a man who has lived by the letter of the law all his life - I would think it might be an adjustment (to say the least) to step over to the dark side.
I did see a few places you might want to make changes - notes follow, in case:
1.) leaving out the batteries and the (sim) card.
--> why couldn't he just turn it off? (Otherwise, seems like a lot of work)
2.) (I)f (the) authorities came to take him down,
3.) dusty mattress, looked up at the swirling m(o)tes in the beams of
sunlight.
--> dust motes are tiny specks of dust
--> mites are little bloodsucking bugs
4.) His two-day beard and his mousy, matted hair, --vs--
the paragraph before that one that says:
--> A FEW DAYS later, he suspected no one looked for him
5.) he could smell the fishy water and breath(e) in the cool sweet air.
6.) He allowed himself (to) slide over the glassy water beneath the crackling fireworks over his head,
--> delete 'over his head' since that's implied
7.) to slip away from reality until it caught up to him.
--> this doesn't quite sound right - like it happens immediately after itself, if that makes sense? (consider something like:)
--> He allowed himself to slide over the glassy water beneath the crackling fireworks; to slip away from reality, even knowing life/his sins would eventually catch up with him.
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 26-Aug-2021
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Luke knows he has been acting irrationally, but he really cannot stop himself. His mind is awhirl. He cannot stop thinking about all he has lost and what is happening now. He truly thinks he will be charged and leaves the city with that thought. He is in a meditative state of deep sorrow as he drives to the isolated cabin that they own. He feels his wife will know where he is and if he is found it will be because of her. How long will he isolate? Who knows? How can he ameliorate his actions?
Ralf
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2021
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Luke knows he has been acting irrationally, but he really cannot stop himself. His mind is awhirl. He cannot stop thinking about all he has lost and what is happening now. He truly thinks he will be charged and leaves the city with that thought. He is in a meditative state of deep sorrow as he drives to the isolated cabin that they own. He feels his wife will know where he is and if he is found it will be because of her. How long will he isolate? Who knows? How can he ameliorate his actions?
Ralf
Comment Written 26-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2021
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Thanks so much for your in-depth review
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
As usual, your narrative uses active words and keeps the story moving. You have him in a place where he is isolated and has to consider where his life goes from here. You do a good job of expressing his emotions and anxieties. For a moment, it almost seemed like he was becoming paranoid but there is a lot going on between his ears.
Your narrative of his inner thoughts really brings the situation to life. His fear of isolation has come true, At least for now. Well written.
Robert
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Hello Stan.
As usual, your narrative uses active words and keeps the story moving. You have him in a place where he is isolated and has to consider where his life goes from here. You do a good job of expressing his emotions and anxieties. For a moment, it almost seemed like he was becoming paranoid but there is a lot going on between his ears.
Your narrative of his inner thoughts really brings the situation to life. His fear of isolation has come true, At least for now. Well written.
Robert
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thanks Robert. I really appreciate your insights from review to writing.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Alaskastory
"The Fugitive" is a well done chapter that so clearly shows how "Officer Cole tries to hide from the world" at a forest cabin. His miserable feelings are clearly shown, but lets every reader hope for his recovery.
typo: (if they) If the authorities came to take him down...
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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"The Fugitive" is a well done chapter that so clearly shows how "Officer Cole tries to hide from the world" at a forest cabin. His miserable feelings are clearly shown, but lets every reader hope for his recovery.
typo: (if they) If the authorities came to take him down...
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thanks so much Marie. Seeing that golden cross makes my day, but even so having writing friends here from way back like you are more precious.
Comment from BethShelby
This really presents a picture of aloneness and uncertainity of what the future might hold. The only thing I remember him doing that would get him in trouble is breaking the restraining order, and if his wife doesn't report it, he should be okay unless I've forgotten something else? It seems there might have been something else.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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This really presents a picture of aloneness and uncertainity of what the future might hold. The only thing I remember him doing that would get him in trouble is breaking the restraining order, and if his wife doesn't report it, he should be okay unless I've forgotten something else? It seems there might have been something else.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thanks Beth for staying with this developing plot. Appreciate you.
Comment from Ben Colder
Amazing how we can run but never hide from ourselves. The old boy seemed to have a dump truck load dropped on him, but I bet he makes it. Hawks have a squealing noise, crows caw--my blessings to you, Bro.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Amazing how we can run but never hide from ourselves. The old boy seemed to have a dump truck load dropped on him, but I bet he makes it. Hawks have a squealing noise, crows caw--my blessings to you, Bro.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thanks so much, brother. So right about those hawks. You know, it's weird, but sometimes alone in my deer stand they kind of start to sound like a turkey, unless I'm wishing for a turkey. Thanks for this rating on a chapter that had way less action.
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To the best writer on the site. Facts.
Comment from royowen
You're a good writer my friend, you deserve a big following, with quality plots, characters and themes, and with this gem, you haven't lost any sparkle or shine, your imagery and imaginative language are gold. Most enjoyable, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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You're a good writer my friend, you deserve a big following, with quality plots, characters and themes, and with this gem, you haven't lost any sparkle or shine, your imagery and imaginative language are gold. Most enjoyable, blessings Roy
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thanks Roy. I really appreciate your words.
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Welcome dear friend
Comment from NABattaglia
"a mask of indifference" to allow the bread and forest to grow around him--love it! Although I don't like to think I'm being indifferent when I don't shave--but perhaps, I am (actually, no, I know I am haha). This is a really well-written piece, highlighted by strong descriptions. Thank you for sharing!
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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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"a mask of indifference" to allow the bread and forest to grow around him--love it! Although I don't like to think I'm being indifferent when I don't shave--but perhaps, I am (actually, no, I know I am haha). This is a really well-written piece, highlighted by strong descriptions. Thank you for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thanks so much. I'm grateful and humbled.
Comment from amahra
Try not to put too much distance between chapters; I had a hard time remembering what happened in the previous one. That said, I thought this chapter was written very well; it was rich in descriptive language, metaphors, and similies. Example:"...even though the forest was about to swallow him up." And, "...like nose of a lake," just to mention a few.
Also, thanks for increasing my vocabulary with...Adirondack. I'll look it up later. :) A couple of errors below:
Jousted about [Jousting about]
whir of a helicopter [whirl of a helicopter]
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Try not to put too much distance between chapters; I had a hard time remembering what happened in the previous one. That said, I thought this chapter was written very well; it was rich in descriptive language, metaphors, and similies. Example:"...even though the forest was about to swallow him up." And, "...like nose of a lake," just to mention a few.
Also, thanks for increasing my vocabulary with...Adirondack. I'll look it up later. :) A couple of errors below:
Jousted about [Jousting about]
whir of a helicopter [whirl of a helicopter]
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thanks so much for staying with it and this wonderful review. I appreciate your fixes too. I've been so busy, but I will get back to your writing too.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
forestport:
On the one hand, Luke's neighbor, Hodges, should feel very lucky to be alive. One might think he would give Luke a pass for extracting some measure of revenge for his running down Taylor in the street. On the other hand, Hodges probably believes Luke and his wife should be "over it" after this amount of time. I'm amazed that any parent who loses a child for any reason remains sane afterward.
Rdfrdmom2
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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forestport:
On the one hand, Luke's neighbor, Hodges, should feel very lucky to be alive. One might think he would give Luke a pass for extracting some measure of revenge for his running down Taylor in the street. On the other hand, Hodges probably believes Luke and his wife should be "over it" after this amount of time. I'm amazed that any parent who loses a child for any reason remains sane afterward.
Rdfrdmom2
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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I so appreciate your staying with my story. I always look forward to your words and insights.
