Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Secrets in the Wind - Chap 13"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
18 total reviews
Comment from karenina
AND Sofia becomes a thorn in the side! Using a Social Security number of someone long deceased? This shadiness and underhanded activity seems to be generational! I'm glad Jon is feeling some regret...albeit (this could be me)--I wonder if it is as much because he dove into the River Styx and is now drowning or is SUDDENLY he's realizing the error of is ways...particularly as a man of the cloth. Not buying the whole "we save time and money" excuse for the drop off/shipments...there are a whole lot of people in this curdled soup! I shall continue reading! Too much to comment on--except to say I'm thoroughly engaged and I love that your are keeping this true to your own vision/version of the story--although a few comments seem to want to entice you to bend to their will!
Karenina
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2021
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AND Sofia becomes a thorn in the side! Using a Social Security number of someone long deceased? This shadiness and underhanded activity seems to be generational! I'm glad Jon is feeling some regret...albeit (this could be me)--I wonder if it is as much because he dove into the River Styx and is now drowning or is SUDDENLY he's realizing the error of is ways...particularly as a man of the cloth. Not buying the whole "we save time and money" excuse for the drop off/shipments...there are a whole lot of people in this curdled soup! I shall continue reading! Too much to comment on--except to say I'm thoroughly engaged and I love that your are keeping this true to your own vision/version of the story--although a few comments seem to want to entice you to bend to their will!
Karenina
Comment Written 30-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2021
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Jon is a roller coaster...he's owned by Mason and doesn't want to be, but coming from a family of money and now it's gone, he can't adjust and he's weak.
Good for you...not many picked up on the shipments.
Smiles and hugs
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Yeah. Desperation is never a good place. Some remorse is good. Maybe his self reflection will in some way deflect some good Karma his sister's way? Hmmmm.
Karenina
Comment from eliz100
The hook at the end is great. It makes me want to keep reading. This is interesting from beginning to end. I do not see any room for improvement. I look forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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The hook at the end is great. It makes me want to keep reading. This is interesting from beginning to end. I do not see any room for improvement. I look forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Thanks Sweetie... Glad you are enjoying!
Comment from Carol Clark2
Another intriguing chapter! You've given us many interesting details here. I like that Jon is realizing his involvement is sinful; I'm not sure that's enough to turn his behavior around, but I'll wait for further installments to find out. Carol
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Another intriguing chapter! You've given us many interesting details here. I like that Jon is realizing his involvement is sinful; I'm not sure that's enough to turn his behavior around, but I'll wait for further installments to find out. Carol
Comment Written 31-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Hi Carol
Our priest has done some horrible things and got himself involved with dangerous people. I hope he sees how bad it is and tries to make amends before more lives are lost.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Wow! There are red flags popping up, all over the place. But who killed whom? Liz and the law enforcement people don't even know the half of it, yet.
As usual, I have many suggestions:
His ridged back pressed against the door ...
-->
His rigid back pressed against the door ...
Three unsavory Coyotes carrying automatic weapons ...
-->
Three unsavory coyotes carrying automatic weapons ... [it might be capitalized if it was the animal species, but the slang for human smugglers isn't]
The Coyote's dark, penetrating eyes ...
-->
The coyote's dark, penetrating eyes ...
We set aside one day each week instead of breaking up several days.
-->
We set aside one day each week, instead of breaking up several days.
***
The business with the hidden illegal immigrants in the church and the creepy coyotes is very sinister. The fallen padre has gotten in, way over his head.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Wow! There are red flags popping up, all over the place. But who killed whom? Liz and the law enforcement people don't even know the half of it, yet.
As usual, I have many suggestions:
His ridged back pressed against the door ...
-->
His rigid back pressed against the door ...
Three unsavory Coyotes carrying automatic weapons ...
-->
Three unsavory coyotes carrying automatic weapons ... [it might be capitalized if it was the animal species, but the slang for human smugglers isn't]
The Coyote's dark, penetrating eyes ...
-->
The coyote's dark, penetrating eyes ...
We set aside one day each week instead of breaking up several days.
-->
We set aside one day each week, instead of breaking up several days.
***
The business with the hidden illegal immigrants in the church and the creepy coyotes is very sinister. The fallen padre has gotten in, way over his head.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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My apologies over and over again.... I can't seem to catch up on any of the reviews (not that I am complaining) but as I do some that many more appear...plus reading and writing. I think I am drowning!! LOL
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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No need for all these apologies, and especially no need for drowning! You'll get to everything, and by the time I get to answer your replies, you'll have answered more if mine ... does that make sense? Smiles and hugs to you, too, and love and blessings! - Mary Kay xoxo
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Oh. Nowhere close to caught up, I guess. hahaha Still following and trying! Great stuff. Only one note this time:
--> I would guess Liz is wondering where we disappeared (to) again."
And on!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Carol,
Oh. Nowhere close to caught up, I guess. hahaha Still following and trying! Great stuff. Only one note this time:
--> I would guess Liz is wondering where we disappeared (to) again."
And on!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Thanks, Robyn
Thought I fixed that once but you know me...forget to hit the save all the time... I like to back track and do it again. LOL Thank you for reading and reviewing so much today... You are awesome.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from lyenochka
I hope Hank and Garth got more information that a few chuckles about grape stomping. I really like how much winery information you researched to put into this book, Carol! Hope Liz will listen to Garth and Hank about Miguel! And oh, the opener with Jon and the drug dealers is full of suspense and drama!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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I hope Hank and Garth got more information that a few chuckles about grape stomping. I really like how much winery information you researched to put into this book, Carol! Hope Liz will listen to Garth and Hank about Miguel! And oh, the opener with Jon and the drug dealers is full of suspense and drama!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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You are teaching me, Helen...research, research, research so you get it right because if you don't some one is going to let you know. LOL Thanks for the review. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Susan Newell
This one is tough for me to review. You are moving the story elements well and keeping interest. But it does feel rushed and the narrative part needs some boosting. You slide into telling and relapse into using present participles where they don't belong. As always, the dialogue is pretty much spot on. All of the following is meant to be helpful and to help you see the words through the reader's perspective. I don't expect you to use my words, but wanted to show you how to beef up the narrative parts.
The sunlight -- delete The -- not necessary and slows the start
bowing her head in prayer. -- dangling participle ==> as she bowed her head in prayer.
but this one gnawed at his gut, twisting and turning. ==> either "gnawed at his gut, as it twisted and turned" or "gnawed at his gut, chomping and chewing."
His breathing was jagged ==> ragged
The beating pulse of a sinister operation lived and prospered -- better as "A sinister operation pulsed and prospered . . ."
Once a secret site of the underground railroad, its large rooms, and miles of tunnels remained, forgotten by most, used by some. -- I don't believe the underground railroad was ever in California. As far as I know it was on the east coast, running south to north, even into Canada. The miles of tunnels are a stretch. The underground railroad I'm familiar with usually had very small, confined spaces, hidden in root cellars or walls. I think you need another reason for the area beneath the church, and far less space. An old wine cellar for the rectory that had later been expanded would do as well.
the door leading inside the church. His left hand, hidden by his robe, wrapped around the doorknob, ready to escape. -- leading "the door leading from his office into the church"? -- was only his hand ready to escape?
Three unsavory Banditos carrying -- Banditos seems trite and dated. If this is human smuggling, which I m beginning to suspect, the current term is coyotes (italicized to indicate Spanish pronunciation)
Three unsavory Banditos carrying automatic weapons exited the dark foyer and left the rectory by the outside door without glancing in Jon's direction. The fourth man closed the mysterious door. He put a heavy bar in place, securing it. Satisfied, he pushed the heavy mahogany bookcase back into place, concealing the secret door. -- suggest ". . . entered the rectory from the foyer leading to the cellar, silently crossed the room and exited through the door leading to the parking lot behind the church. The fourth man closed the door behind him, taking care to secure the heavy bar that latched it."
concealing the secret door. -- delete secret; redundant
The remaining Bandito asked, "Miguel left?" -- could really use some more attitude here. We know he's the remaining one.
Jon's heart beat erratically, as if the man's dark eyes were smoking guns. -- These two clauses don't go together unless there is more in between.
The cargo is secure. -- seems extraneous and unnecessary. If you have to indicate cargo, put it in Jon's thoughts.
The man bent over and spat the wad of chewing tobacco into the wastepaper basket. -- More powerful if he spat a stream of tobacco juice into the wastebasket against the wall behind Jon.
surveyed the outside area, -- stronger if "surrounding area"
before locking the door. -- stronger "as he struggled to lock out the evil that had just walked through."
Stepping into the small bathroom, he splashed cold water on his face. Lifting his head toward the mirror, he gasped and twisted away -- participles are loose, if not dangling -- can you find a better verb than step? How did he go in? e.g. "Jon clutched his stomach as he rushed into his small lavatory. The cold-water faucet squeaked as he turned it toward him. He cupped both hands beneath the flow then raised them to splash his face. He opened his eyes, lifted his head and came face to face with a lost soul. . . "
box truck through the wide entry doors of the winery. -- shipping entrance? (rather than wide entry doors)
handing Darryl == and handed
as Hank and Garth -- suggest: just as Hank and Garth cleared the rose garden and walked to the shipping and receiving area of the winery. ("building" is too generic.)
Cynthia and Michael called out their goodbyes and walked toward the vineyards, waving at Hank and Garth. -- Better as: Cynthia and Michael waved to Hank and Garth as they said good-bye to Darryl and Miguel and walked toward the vineyards."
The investigation team finished, so I didn't see any harm." -- Better as: "Since the cops are done, and it's not considered a crime scene, I didn't see any reason why not." -- I just don't think Darryl would speak so formally about an "investigation team."
"What's on the truck? Liz said she didn't recall a delivery." -- But Darryl did ask for permission to place Jack's pending order. Better as: "Liz mentioned an order being placed, but she didn't know what it was for."
"One question. If the shipment goes out the same day, how does the wine have time to age?"
"That's easy, Garth. The Cranstons used giant stainless-steel vats for their white wine and three specially constructed oak ones for the darker grapes. We transferred the wine from the vats to the smaller barrels, and then they are shipped." -- This doesn't make sense to me. The wine is supposed to age in the charred barrels. Why can't wine already aged in barrels just go out? Why would they have to fill barrels and ship them on the same day?
She'd been studying the transmissions -- Why transmissions and not simply faxes? Transmissions makes one think of radios.
staring toward the winery barn. -- Is barn redundant? So far, the picture I have envisioned includes the domicile and grounds and a large barn-like winery and vineyard on rolling hills.
leather Queen Anne -- I've never seen a leather Queen Anne. Maybe they make them now, but I think more of things like brocade.
'she heard him say he wished ==> she 'heard him say . . .
bold face liar. ==> bald-faced liar
woman's testimony -- would prefer "woman whose testimony" (personal preference)
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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This one is tough for me to review. You are moving the story elements well and keeping interest. But it does feel rushed and the narrative part needs some boosting. You slide into telling and relapse into using present participles where they don't belong. As always, the dialogue is pretty much spot on. All of the following is meant to be helpful and to help you see the words through the reader's perspective. I don't expect you to use my words, but wanted to show you how to beef up the narrative parts.
The sunlight -- delete The -- not necessary and slows the start
bowing her head in prayer. -- dangling participle ==> as she bowed her head in prayer.
but this one gnawed at his gut, twisting and turning. ==> either "gnawed at his gut, as it twisted and turned" or "gnawed at his gut, chomping and chewing."
His breathing was jagged ==> ragged
The beating pulse of a sinister operation lived and prospered -- better as "A sinister operation pulsed and prospered . . ."
Once a secret site of the underground railroad, its large rooms, and miles of tunnels remained, forgotten by most, used by some. -- I don't believe the underground railroad was ever in California. As far as I know it was on the east coast, running south to north, even into Canada. The miles of tunnels are a stretch. The underground railroad I'm familiar with usually had very small, confined spaces, hidden in root cellars or walls. I think you need another reason for the area beneath the church, and far less space. An old wine cellar for the rectory that had later been expanded would do as well.
the door leading inside the church. His left hand, hidden by his robe, wrapped around the doorknob, ready to escape. -- leading "the door leading from his office into the church"? -- was only his hand ready to escape?
Three unsavory Banditos carrying -- Banditos seems trite and dated. If this is human smuggling, which I m beginning to suspect, the current term is coyotes (italicized to indicate Spanish pronunciation)
Three unsavory Banditos carrying automatic weapons exited the dark foyer and left the rectory by the outside door without glancing in Jon's direction. The fourth man closed the mysterious door. He put a heavy bar in place, securing it. Satisfied, he pushed the heavy mahogany bookcase back into place, concealing the secret door. -- suggest ". . . entered the rectory from the foyer leading to the cellar, silently crossed the room and exited through the door leading to the parking lot behind the church. The fourth man closed the door behind him, taking care to secure the heavy bar that latched it."
concealing the secret door. -- delete secret; redundant
The remaining Bandito asked, "Miguel left?" -- could really use some more attitude here. We know he's the remaining one.
Jon's heart beat erratically, as if the man's dark eyes were smoking guns. -- These two clauses don't go together unless there is more in between.
The cargo is secure. -- seems extraneous and unnecessary. If you have to indicate cargo, put it in Jon's thoughts.
The man bent over and spat the wad of chewing tobacco into the wastepaper basket. -- More powerful if he spat a stream of tobacco juice into the wastebasket against the wall behind Jon.
surveyed the outside area, -- stronger if "surrounding area"
before locking the door. -- stronger "as he struggled to lock out the evil that had just walked through."
Stepping into the small bathroom, he splashed cold water on his face. Lifting his head toward the mirror, he gasped and twisted away -- participles are loose, if not dangling -- can you find a better verb than step? How did he go in? e.g. "Jon clutched his stomach as he rushed into his small lavatory. The cold-water faucet squeaked as he turned it toward him. He cupped both hands beneath the flow then raised them to splash his face. He opened his eyes, lifted his head and came face to face with a lost soul. . . "
box truck through the wide entry doors of the winery. -- shipping entrance? (rather than wide entry doors)
handing Darryl == and handed
as Hank and Garth -- suggest: just as Hank and Garth cleared the rose garden and walked to the shipping and receiving area of the winery. ("building" is too generic.)
Cynthia and Michael called out their goodbyes and walked toward the vineyards, waving at Hank and Garth. -- Better as: Cynthia and Michael waved to Hank and Garth as they said good-bye to Darryl and Miguel and walked toward the vineyards."
The investigation team finished, so I didn't see any harm." -- Better as: "Since the cops are done, and it's not considered a crime scene, I didn't see any reason why not." -- I just don't think Darryl would speak so formally about an "investigation team."
"What's on the truck? Liz said she didn't recall a delivery." -- But Darryl did ask for permission to place Jack's pending order. Better as: "Liz mentioned an order being placed, but she didn't know what it was for."
"One question. If the shipment goes out the same day, how does the wine have time to age?"
"That's easy, Garth. The Cranstons used giant stainless-steel vats for their white wine and three specially constructed oak ones for the darker grapes. We transferred the wine from the vats to the smaller barrels, and then they are shipped." -- This doesn't make sense to me. The wine is supposed to age in the charred barrels. Why can't wine already aged in barrels just go out? Why would they have to fill barrels and ship them on the same day?
She'd been studying the transmissions -- Why transmissions and not simply faxes? Transmissions makes one think of radios.
staring toward the winery barn. -- Is barn redundant? So far, the picture I have envisioned includes the domicile and grounds and a large barn-like winery and vineyard on rolling hills.
leather Queen Anne -- I've never seen a leather Queen Anne. Maybe they make them now, but I think more of things like brocade.
'she heard him say he wished ==> she 'heard him say . . .
bold face liar. ==> bald-faced liar
woman's testimony -- would prefer "woman whose testimony" (personal preference)
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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My oh My girlfriend.... I had my work cut out for me today. LOL I thank you so much for showing so much interest in getting the story right. I can't tell you enough times how special you are!
As for the leather Queen Annes... I have two in my family room.... brocade would not be me!
I hope I made enough changes to improve the story line ... I put more description in describing our Coyotes... especially number 4.
Appreciate you more than you know. Smiles and hugs, Carol
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You have such great talent, I hate to see you short-change yourself by hurrying. I don't want to flatter you when I know you have more. I want to encourage you to go deeper into all aspects of your story. I wouldn't be spending the time if I didn't think your skills were worth it.
Smiles to you. Gotta love those beautiful words that turn fantasy into reality.
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i let too much push me in too many directions. My son is telling me to get the book published because he's going to start filming again and there won't be time. (Of course, he doesn't say it exactly like that) And I might have to make a trip with Carissa to reclaim my grandchildren from their dad. Life is so grand...
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Life does seem to tug us in all directions. I admit that I am enjoying helping you to realize your potential. I love your stories.
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Like I said, you are special. I love to write and I truly appreciate the help in polishing them. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Patty Palmer
Another great chapter in the book Secrets in the Wind. Liz wants Daryl fired because he got in trouble as a kid. She's worried that it might be him who killed her husband. We'll have to wait and see where the trail leads us.
Patty
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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Another great chapter in the book Secrets in the Wind. Liz wants Daryl fired because he got in trouble as a kid. She's worried that it might be him who killed her husband. We'll have to wait and see where the trail leads us.
Patty
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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i hope she doesn't hold his past against him...after all he was a kid and it appears he has tried to better himself on the most part. Though he could want the winery and needs to get people out of his way... Guess we wait and see...
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Wendy G
Can anyone be trusted? Your story is very gripping and you are certainly the master of the cliff-hanger. The complexity is well done, and one never knows just what information can be trusted about any of them!!
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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Can anyone be trusted? Your story is very gripping and you are certainly the master of the cliff-hanger. The complexity is well done, and one never knows just what information can be trusted about any of them!!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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I wonder the same thing sometimes, Wendy... The cover of the book is not always the story behind the scenes... People are ruthless and think of themselves first... It's so sad. Here's hoping Garth and Hank can outsmart them.
Always, Carol
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
As this story flows we see that Liz is surrounded by a suspicious lot. The background checks are posing questions that need to be answered. How can she continue with the winery when she has no faith in some of the management. Her neighbor is highly suspect as well.
Beyond her own territory, there is a criminal faction that is being operated by Mason Caldwell, whose reach touches Jon Saladino, the priest and some of his employees. Where does it stop?
Ralf
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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As this story flows we see that Liz is surrounded by a suspicious lot. The background checks are posing questions that need to be answered. How can she continue with the winery when she has no faith in some of the management. Her neighbor is highly suspect as well.
Beyond her own territory, there is a criminal faction that is being operated by Mason Caldwell, whose reach touches Jon Saladino, the priest and some of his employees. Where does it stop?
Ralf
Comment Written 28-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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It's a cut throat world with lots of people wanting to claim ill-gotten gains and they have no respect for others. The story just proves that so many have their own agenda. It's sad, but that's how I see a lot of people nowadays. Even our men of the cloth have dirty secrets some times. It breaks my heart and I suspect our Lord's too.
Smiles, Carol
