Sandcastle
Sedoka poem: 5/7/7, 5/7/73 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Sandcastle
by Jill McCauslin
Hello, Jill,
Thank you very much for participating in the sedoka poem event. I love your topic... the beach is so much fun for the entire family. I went with my family recently and my grandson built sand castles. I like the imagery of watching the waves take back the sand to sea... bye bye castle :)
Sedoka is a very old form and there isn't too many rules other than the syllables count. However, I have a suggestion to improve the flow, if you want to.
With all my Japanese poetic forms, I aim to keep a complete thought on each line... what I mean....
red-headed boy builds
and decorates his castle
complete with ramparts and moat. (good job on first one!)
==========
waves curl over sand
and a bucket full of shells--
castle falls into the sea (minimum punctuation)
Good job! Let me know if you have any questions.
gypsy
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2021
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Sandcastle
by Jill McCauslin
Hello, Jill,
Thank you very much for participating in the sedoka poem event. I love your topic... the beach is so much fun for the entire family. I went with my family recently and my grandson built sand castles. I like the imagery of watching the waves take back the sand to sea... bye bye castle :)
Sedoka is a very old form and there isn't too many rules other than the syllables count. However, I have a suggestion to improve the flow, if you want to.
With all my Japanese poetic forms, I aim to keep a complete thought on each line... what I mean....
red-headed boy builds
and decorates his castle
complete with ramparts and moat. (good job on first one!)
==========
waves curl over sand
and a bucket full of shells--
castle falls into the sea (minimum punctuation)
Good job! Let me know if you have any questions.
gypsy
Comment Written 23-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2021
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Thank you for your review and suggestions for improving my sedoka. I appreciate it.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your picture plus your well chosen words make a great sedoka. Great job, too, on the syllable count per line and the two POV's expressed. You did a great job with your poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Your picture plus your well chosen words make a great sedoka. Great job, too, on the syllable count per line and the two POV's expressed. You did a great job with your poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 21-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Thank you Jan for your review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Badger_29
I like how you build your character description up by simply saying the
"red headed boy" in which the reader immediately creates a character. It also reminds me of the song "Castles Made of Sand"; by Jimi Hendrix.
Perhaps he had something to do with this?
Good luck with this entry,
&
Blessings,
Brother Badger
Darren
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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I like how you build your character description up by simply saying the
"red headed boy" in which the reader immediately creates a character. It also reminds me of the song "Castles Made of Sand"; by Jimi Hendrix.
Perhaps he had something to do with this?
Good luck with this entry,
&
Blessings,
Brother Badger
Darren
Comment Written 21-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Thank you Darren for reading my poem and writing your review. I appreciate it. I didn't have any thought of the Jimi Hendrix song when I wrote this. Who knows what the subconscious does though!
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Only the shadow knows
