Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "A Grave Consequence"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
7 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
It sure looks bad for Cole. How does a person deal with so many rejections? Time will tell, but for the present, it is a lot of garbage in an overstuffed bag. Contemplation? Where to go, what to do? Overwhelming angst to deal with can be devastating. So much lost. You rendered the message well in this chapter.
Note:
which() had left in the parking lot. He didn't want>>'which 'he' had
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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It sure looks bad for Cole. How does a person deal with so many rejections? Time will tell, but for the present, it is a lot of garbage in an overstuffed bag. Contemplation? Where to go, what to do? Overwhelming angst to deal with can be devastating. So much lost. You rendered the message well in this chapter.
Note:
which() had left in the parking lot. He didn't want>>'which 'he' had
Comment Written 27-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2021
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Thanks again to consistently read and bring me your heart felt evaluation.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Forestport12:
Yes, Janis Joplin sang it best, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose ..." I wish I could remember the rest of that song. I hope Cole gets some help because I believe he is inherently a good guy, but I'm not so sure how any of us would be if we lost our child. Looking forward to your next chapter.
Jan
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Forestport12:
Yes, Janis Joplin sang it best, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose ..." I wish I could remember the rest of that song. I hope Cole gets some help because I believe he is inherently a good guy, but I'm not so sure how any of us would be if we lost our child. Looking forward to your next chapter.
Jan
Comment Written 12-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Thanks so much for your encouraging review. I appreciate all your words and respect your input. Stan
Comment from Ben Colder
A first-class writer wrote a first-class story. Well done. Stan. You placed me there and I listened to every word the spirit told.
I am hooked. Ben.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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A first-class writer wrote a first-class story. Well done. Stan. You placed me there and I listened to every word the spirit told.
I am hooked. Ben.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Thanks again, Ben, my brother from another mother. But my blood brother in Christ.
Comment from Alaskastory
"A Grave Consequence" is a chapter so well done. The description his action in the graveyard was suspenseful as well as his meeting with the Captain, and the future he must face. I'm anxious to read the next chapter.
Words put not needed: "After Cole had his jeans and (put) his sneakers on.." And in: "in his jeep (which had) left in the parking lot." Also in: "but he (almost) knocked anyway."
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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"A Grave Consequence" is a chapter so well done. The description his action in the graveyard was suspenseful as well as his meeting with the Captain, and the future he must face. I'm anxious to read the next chapter.
Words put not needed: "After Cole had his jeans and (put) his sneakers on.." And in: "in his jeep (which had) left in the parking lot." Also in: "but he (almost) knocked anyway."
Comment Written 12-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Thanks again, Marie!
Comment from royowen
I think when someone removes what you may think is your last refuge, your job, or what you think is the only thing left to get you up in the morning. I guess on would think it's the end of the line! This is beautifully written, I must admit I've had pity parties, but nothing like this, beautifully written my friend, loved it, blessings Roy
Typo : He didn't whistle when (he) shuffled away.
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I think when someone removes what you may think is your last refuge, your job, or what you think is the only thing left to get you up in the morning. I guess on would think it's the end of the line! This is beautifully written, I must admit I've had pity parties, but nothing like this, beautifully written my friend, loved it, blessings Roy
Typo : He didn't whistle when (he) shuffled away.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2021
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This fiction speaks expressively, emotionally and psychologically a true incident of tragedy after which the man seeks for freedom of soul ignoring all oddities; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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This fiction speaks expressively, emotionally and psychologically a true incident of tragedy after which the man seeks for freedom of soul ignoring all oddities; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 12-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Thanks so much for your encouraging review!
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Sadly, this officer has had a terrible loss and is somewhat unhinged. He doesn't want to face it, and doesn't seem willing to get the help his captain is recommending. Since the genre of your story is "Horror and Thriller Fiction," we don't really know what the outcome will be. This is well written, and I feel very sympathetic towards your main character.
I found some errors and have offered some suggestions for your consideration:
Most of the graves were old from the civil war or before.
-->
Most of the graves were old, from the Civil War or before.
but hoping for a sign, a signal to give him a shred of hope.
-->
but hoped for a sign, a signal to give him a shred of hope.
It was a new black truck, tinted windows.
-->
It was a new black truck, with tinted windows.
Packing his gun suddenly felt right with the world again.
-->
Packing his gun, he suddenly felt right with the world again.
then gave the chief a nod who was on the phone tucked into his glass fishbowl of an office.
-->
then gave the chief a nod, who was on the phone, tucked into his glass fishbowl of an office.
Cole was struck by the fact that he didn't whistle when shuffled away.
-->
Cole was struck by the fact that he didn't whistle when he shuffled away.
The man seemed to age every day, unlike Cole's strands of grey, this man needed hair dye.
-->
The man seemed to age every day; unlike Cole's strands of grey, this man needed hair dye.
He figured he might be spending the night in his jeep which had left in the parking lot.
-->
He figured he might be spending the night in his jeep which he had left in the parking lot.
"What I mean, without beating around bush. I'm offering you a PAID LEAVE of absence."
-->
"What I mean, without beating around the bush, is I'm offering you a PAID LEAVE of absence."
"Cole lifted from his chair and his neck muscles tightened.
-->
Cole lifted from his chair and his neck muscles tightened.
"Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose."
-->
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." [you can attribute this quote to Janis Joplin, from the song "Bobby McGee."]
***
The scene at the cemetery was kind of scary. I'm glad he was interrupted from his suicidal trajectory.
The squad car image works well with your story.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Sadly, this officer has had a terrible loss and is somewhat unhinged. He doesn't want to face it, and doesn't seem willing to get the help his captain is recommending. Since the genre of your story is "Horror and Thriller Fiction," we don't really know what the outcome will be. This is well written, and I feel very sympathetic towards your main character.
I found some errors and have offered some suggestions for your consideration:
Most of the graves were old from the civil war or before.
-->
Most of the graves were old, from the Civil War or before.
but hoping for a sign, a signal to give him a shred of hope.
-->
but hoped for a sign, a signal to give him a shred of hope.
It was a new black truck, tinted windows.
-->
It was a new black truck, with tinted windows.
Packing his gun suddenly felt right with the world again.
-->
Packing his gun, he suddenly felt right with the world again.
then gave the chief a nod who was on the phone tucked into his glass fishbowl of an office.
-->
then gave the chief a nod, who was on the phone, tucked into his glass fishbowl of an office.
Cole was struck by the fact that he didn't whistle when shuffled away.
-->
Cole was struck by the fact that he didn't whistle when he shuffled away.
The man seemed to age every day, unlike Cole's strands of grey, this man needed hair dye.
-->
The man seemed to age every day; unlike Cole's strands of grey, this man needed hair dye.
He figured he might be spending the night in his jeep which had left in the parking lot.
-->
He figured he might be spending the night in his jeep which he had left in the parking lot.
"What I mean, without beating around bush. I'm offering you a PAID LEAVE of absence."
-->
"What I mean, without beating around the bush, is I'm offering you a PAID LEAVE of absence."
"Cole lifted from his chair and his neck muscles tightened.
-->
Cole lifted from his chair and his neck muscles tightened.
"Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose."
-->
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." [you can attribute this quote to Janis Joplin, from the song "Bobby McGee."]
***
The scene at the cemetery was kind of scary. I'm glad he was interrupted from his suicidal trajectory.
The squad car image works well with your story.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Thanks so much for help editing. I do appreciate that.
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You're very welcome. It's a well written story, and I wish you the best with it. May God bless you. - Mary Kay
