Fine Imported Shoes
Memories of my Mother26 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Fine Imported Shoes
by amada
Hello, Amada,
Excellent entry for the True Story Contest. You used engaging plot that's more especial because it's true and it's about your mom.
I like how you described her..."quiet like a lake on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through" great imagery.
Good description throughout the story, like the shoes....".....two demure shades of brown; ...... "
A moving story, you should win.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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Fine Imported Shoes
by amada
Hello, Amada,
Excellent entry for the True Story Contest. You used engaging plot that's more especial because it's true and it's about your mom.
I like how you described her..."quiet like a lake on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through" great imagery.
Good description throughout the story, like the shoes....".....two demure shades of brown; ...... "
A moving story, you should win.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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Hi Gypsy, thank you for your great comments, and the six!
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Thank you so much for this beautiful token.
Comment from lyenochka
Your poetry always shines through in your prose, Amada! I loved that description of your mom as "quiet like a lake on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through" and of the shoes as
"and as a sweet hug, a fine cord embrace it all with a coquettish bow." I'm so glad that your mother got those shoes for you. You said you were in your teens but then at the end, you were only ten, so you might want to change the age in the first sentence. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
I enjoyed walking in their wide sidewalks (on) We normally say we walk on sidewalks.
A lot of extra spaces followed: "holding her purse "
In a recess of my10-year-old heart, (ten-year-old) also, it needs a space after "my."
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2021
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Your poetry always shines through in your prose, Amada! I loved that description of your mom as "quiet like a lake on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through" and of the shoes as
"and as a sweet hug, a fine cord embrace it all with a coquettish bow." I'm so glad that your mother got those shoes for you. You said you were in your teens but then at the end, you were only ten, so you might want to change the age in the first sentence. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
I enjoyed walking in their wide sidewalks (on) We normally say we walk on sidewalks.
A lot of extra spaces followed: "holding her purse "
In a recess of my10-year-old heart, (ten-year-old) also, it needs a space after "my."
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2021
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Your comments always make me feel better, dear author and reviewer. Yes, poetry always sneaks in even when I am writing prose. Thank you for noticing, it makes me feel real good. I am also working on those grammar errors, but your words are so envigorating.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your contest entry. Your words are straight from your heart. they show the love between you and your mother--even when no words were spoken.
Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
May I suggest ~
When I was in my teens(,) I liked to window shop. I walked to(delete the word to) downtown, just a couple of blocks away from home; everything was close by in my small rural town.
I enjoyed walking in( on ) their wide sidewalks, listening to the sound of voices and laughter, enticed by the bright lights, anxious, perhaps, to dream of nice things, to escape, the dimness of my home.
One day, passing by a shoe store, a fancy pair caught my dmy (deoete dmy ) heart; elegant low heels ( heeled ) shoes done with finesse; ) add a period here ) I could tell (their quality that showed two ( delete your ...)... two demure shades of brown; in front, like a crest, a subtly ( add a dash here ) shaped rectangle in sparkling bronze color, and as a sweet hug, a fine cord embrace (embraced ) it all with a coquettish bow. The back of the shoes was done with a solid brown luster.
At their right side, in a diminutive silver tray, silently laid the price tag; oh, what an exorbitant price! Underneath, in coquettish cursive handwritten words "Handmade in Italy" it read, as if giving an excuse for their high price.
With much care, I mentioned them to my mother one day, when her heart was light. Her eyes lightened up and a semi smile curved her usually tight lips. " Ohhh9 "Oh," she replied. )...".that's all she said delete this part). She always measured her words, as well as everything else. My mom, middle age, medium built, quiet like a lake on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through, therefore I measured my words as well as my actions.
To my surprise, with quick movements, she changed from a faded shapeless housedress into a rose color ( colored) blouse, a well-fitted black skirt, and a smart-looking black jacket. High heels ( heeled) shoes in winter black color were the perfect complement. I kept on ( delete on ) thinking that as a young lady she was quite a dresser!
In the sunny side of the street, we walked in silence. Her steps were light (,) but secure, graceful, as if following a melody that only she could hear. And I ( delete extra space) kept on thinking that when she was young, she could have been quite a dancer!
However, she held her diminutive purse with force, tightly placed under her right arm. Her steps lost their zest the closer we got to the mall. The influx of traffic frightened her, and the changing light of the only traffic light in town, surprised (her), as she kept on (delete on) holding her purse (bring closer to her chest to this line)
closer to her chest.
Upon reaching the store, she got very close to the window, and suddenly, her eyes sparkled in a luminosity I had never seen before; we looked at each other in sheer delight as we shared a fleeting moment of mother-daughter intimacy.
But then she saw the price tag, her eyes narrowed and her mouth, in horror, opened wide, as her usual old demeanor set in, the wall that kept our worlds apart,( period after the word apart) (new snetence I looked. . . ) and as I looked down, again, ( delete I add and)I blamed myself for her distress.
Months later, days after my birthday, (delete extra space) on the kitchen table, there was a coarsely wrapped box, with a timid smile, she signaled to me...( to me--no words, just. . . ) No words, just a timid smile. (add That was Mom, incomprehensive, inexplicable( add period delete Mom.) Mom.
(In a recess of my mind, I still wear those fancy shoes.--delete this sentence) In a recess of my10( ten-year- old)-year-old heart, ( I wear those fancy shoes, and treasure the love that she could give,_ I treasure the love that she could give.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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I enjoyed your contest entry. Your words are straight from your heart. they show the love between you and your mother--even when no words were spoken.
Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
May I suggest ~
When I was in my teens(,) I liked to window shop. I walked to(delete the word to) downtown, just a couple of blocks away from home; everything was close by in my small rural town.
I enjoyed walking in( on ) their wide sidewalks, listening to the sound of voices and laughter, enticed by the bright lights, anxious, perhaps, to dream of nice things, to escape, the dimness of my home.
One day, passing by a shoe store, a fancy pair caught my dmy (deoete dmy ) heart; elegant low heels ( heeled ) shoes done with finesse; ) add a period here ) I could tell (their quality that showed two ( delete your ...)... two demure shades of brown; in front, like a crest, a subtly ( add a dash here ) shaped rectangle in sparkling bronze color, and as a sweet hug, a fine cord embrace (embraced ) it all with a coquettish bow. The back of the shoes was done with a solid brown luster.
At their right side, in a diminutive silver tray, silently laid the price tag; oh, what an exorbitant price! Underneath, in coquettish cursive handwritten words "Handmade in Italy" it read, as if giving an excuse for their high price.
With much care, I mentioned them to my mother one day, when her heart was light. Her eyes lightened up and a semi smile curved her usually tight lips. " Ohhh9 "Oh," she replied. )...".that's all she said delete this part). She always measured her words, as well as everything else. My mom, middle age, medium built, quiet like a lake on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through, therefore I measured my words as well as my actions.
To my surprise, with quick movements, she changed from a faded shapeless housedress into a rose color ( colored) blouse, a well-fitted black skirt, and a smart-looking black jacket. High heels ( heeled) shoes in winter black color were the perfect complement. I kept on ( delete on ) thinking that as a young lady she was quite a dresser!
In the sunny side of the street, we walked in silence. Her steps were light (,) but secure, graceful, as if following a melody that only she could hear. And I ( delete extra space) kept on thinking that when she was young, she could have been quite a dancer!
However, she held her diminutive purse with force, tightly placed under her right arm. Her steps lost their zest the closer we got to the mall. The influx of traffic frightened her, and the changing light of the only traffic light in town, surprised (her), as she kept on (delete on) holding her purse (bring closer to her chest to this line)
closer to her chest.
Upon reaching the store, she got very close to the window, and suddenly, her eyes sparkled in a luminosity I had never seen before; we looked at each other in sheer delight as we shared a fleeting moment of mother-daughter intimacy.
But then she saw the price tag, her eyes narrowed and her mouth, in horror, opened wide, as her usual old demeanor set in, the wall that kept our worlds apart,( period after the word apart) (new snetence I looked. . . ) and as I looked down, again, ( delete I add and)I blamed myself for her distress.
Months later, days after my birthday, (delete extra space) on the kitchen table, there was a coarsely wrapped box, with a timid smile, she signaled to me...( to me--no words, just. . . ) No words, just a timid smile. (add That was Mom, incomprehensive, inexplicable( add period delete Mom.) Mom.
(In a recess of my mind, I still wear those fancy shoes.--delete this sentence) In a recess of my10( ten-year- old)-year-old heart, ( I wear those fancy shoes, and treasure the love that she could give,_ I treasure the love that she could give.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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I so appreciate your attention to this writing. All is taken, thank you so much.
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😊
Comment from royowen
You were very fortunate to have a very loving mother, I wish I'd had that as a child, there's nothing more securing than a close relationship with a parent. Beautifully written my friend, a most enjoyable post. Good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : A fancy pair caught my (dmy) heart. Dreamy?
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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You were very fortunate to have a very loving mother, I wish I'd had that as a child, there's nothing more securing than a close relationship with a parent. Beautifully written my friend, a most enjoyable post. Good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : A fancy pair caught my (dmy) heart. Dreamy?
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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Thank you, dear Rpy.
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Bless you
Comment from Sugarray77
This is very well written, Amada. The relationship with your mom is described well and the reader sees the apprehension you had as a little girl and how it flavors the interactions you had with her. Good luck with this stellar piece.
Melissa
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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This is very well written, Amada. The relationship with your mom is described well and the reader sees the apprehension you had as a little girl and how it flavors the interactions you had with her. Good luck with this stellar piece.
Melissa
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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Thank you so much, Melissa.
Comment from rama devi
I love this charming story with the subtle emotional overtones and the sweet ending. Well voiced, unique and well penned with fine pacing, aside from spag issues and typos, mostly due to your eyesight issues, I'm sure (thus five stars in advance).
if you'd like me to send a final version with edits applied, just send me an email, dear, as some of the previous edits don't seem to have made it into this version...
NOTES:
*
When I was in my teens(,) I liked to window shop.
*
I enjoyed walking in(on) their wide sidewalks,
*
One day, passing by a shoe store, a fancy pair caught my dmy(REMOVE dmy) heart;(:) elegant low heels(low-heel) shoes(,) done with finesse;
*
With much care, I mentioned them to my mother(,) one day, when her heart was light.
*Her eyes lightened(lit) up(,) and a semi smile curved her usually tight lips.
"(no space) Ohhh ...". (remove period after quote) add line break -
(T)that's all she said. She always measured her words, as well as everything else.
* My mom, middle age, medium built, quiet like a lake(,) on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through,(;) therefore(,) I measured my words as well as my actions.
*I kept on thinking that(,) as a young lady(,) she was(must've been) quite a dresser!
* spacing typo here:
And I kept on thinking that when she was young, she could have been quite a dancer!
*and the changing light of the only traffic light in town, surprised (her), as she kept on holding her purse
closer to her chest.
*
But then she saw the price tag, her eyes narrowed(,) and her mouth, in horror, opened wide, as her usual old demeanor set in, the wall that kept our worlds apart,(-- or ; or .) and as I looked down, again, I blamed myself for her distress.
Months later, days after my birthday, on the kitchen table, there was a coarsely wrapped box,(;) with a timid smile, she signaled to me... No words, just a timid smile. Incomprehensive(incomprehensible), inexplicable Mom.
*In a recess of my10-year-old heart,
Spacing typo, and use ten instead of ten:
In a recess of my ten-year-old heart,
Touching tale. Good luck in the contest, dear friend!!
Hugs,
rd
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
|
I love this charming story with the subtle emotional overtones and the sweet ending. Well voiced, unique and well penned with fine pacing, aside from spag issues and typos, mostly due to your eyesight issues, I'm sure (thus five stars in advance).
if you'd like me to send a final version with edits applied, just send me an email, dear, as some of the previous edits don't seem to have made it into this version...
NOTES:
*
When I was in my teens(,) I liked to window shop.
*
I enjoyed walking in(on) their wide sidewalks,
*
One day, passing by a shoe store, a fancy pair caught my dmy(REMOVE dmy) heart;(:) elegant low heels(low-heel) shoes(,) done with finesse;
*
With much care, I mentioned them to my mother(,) one day, when her heart was light.
*Her eyes lightened(lit) up(,) and a semi smile curved her usually tight lips.
"(no space) Ohhh ...". (remove period after quote) add line break -
(T)that's all she said. She always measured her words, as well as everything else.
* My mom, middle age, medium built, quiet like a lake(,) on the surface, but underneath, the furor of an ocean rushed through,(;) therefore(,) I measured my words as well as my actions.
*I kept on thinking that(,) as a young lady(,) she was(must've been) quite a dresser!
* spacing typo here:
And I kept on thinking that when she was young, she could have been quite a dancer!
*and the changing light of the only traffic light in town, surprised (her), as she kept on holding her purse
closer to her chest.
*
But then she saw the price tag, her eyes narrowed(,) and her mouth, in horror, opened wide, as her usual old demeanor set in, the wall that kept our worlds apart,(-- or ; or .) and as I looked down, again, I blamed myself for her distress.
Months later, days after my birthday, on the kitchen table, there was a coarsely wrapped box,(;) with a timid smile, she signaled to me... No words, just a timid smile. Incomprehensive(incomprehensible), inexplicable Mom.
*In a recess of my10-year-old heart,
Spacing typo, and use ten instead of ten:
In a recess of my ten-year-old heart,
Touching tale. Good luck in the contest, dear friend!!
Hugs,
rd
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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Thank you so much, dear RS.
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Thanks for your graciousness, dear friend.
Warm Hugs,
rd
Comment from estory
I think its a great little story that illustrates how mothers really live for their children. The sacrifice of the mother who wants the shoes as much as the daughter is well illustrated, and it makes the impact of her gift of them to the daughter even more powerful. Lots of attention to the detail in describing the shoes and the love of fashion in the mother and daughter brought the story off. estory
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
|
I think its a great little story that illustrates how mothers really live for their children. The sacrifice of the mother who wants the shoes as much as the daughter is well illustrated, and it makes the impact of her gift of them to the daughter even more powerful. Lots of attention to the detail in describing the shoes and the love of fashion in the mother and daughter brought the story off. estory
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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Thank you for reading my little story, dear friend.
Comment from RGstar
You know what?
I think you write beautifully. There are aspects of wording here which you simply can't teach, its either in the mind, ready to be improved, or not.
It shouldn't be too poetic , but how beautifully you wrote.
A couple of punctuation here or there to tidy, but on the whole, just loved reading what you wrote, knowing well your situation.
One thing you can look at.
Check this sentence again, because it stands out...needs working on.
One day, passing by a shoe store, a fancy pair caught my dmy heart; elegant low heels shoes done with finesse; I
...and I would finish it off with;
''elegant low heeled shoes, done with finesse.''
Once again ..lovely writing. I'll be looking to read again soon, dear author.
My very best to you and family.
Have a great Sunday.
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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You know what?
I think you write beautifully. There are aspects of wording here which you simply can't teach, its either in the mind, ready to be improved, or not.
It shouldn't be too poetic , but how beautifully you wrote.
A couple of punctuation here or there to tidy, but on the whole, just loved reading what you wrote, knowing well your situation.
One thing you can look at.
Check this sentence again, because it stands out...needs working on.
One day, passing by a shoe store, a fancy pair caught my dmy heart; elegant low heels shoes done with finesse; I
...and I would finish it off with;
''elegant low heeled shoes, done with finesse.''
Once again ..lovely writing. I'll be looking to read again soon, dear author.
My very best to you and family.
Have a great Sunday.
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2021
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Thank you, thank you, again and again, dear friend.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Mothers love. She must have put them on
lay-a-way in order to pay for them, but
she wanted you to have them, that's evident.
What a sweet story, Amada. Good luck in the
contest. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Mothers love. She must have put them on
lay-a-way in order to pay for them, but
she wanted you to have them, that's evident.
What a sweet story, Amada. Good luck in the
contest. Nancy:)
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Thank you so much, dear Nancy.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-It is very nice artwork, amada,
and a good story to go with it.
-Your descriptions are vivid as
you not only describe the shoes
and your feelings about them,
but your impressions of your mother, too.
-A very good opening showing how
you loved going in to town.
-Your description of her transformation
as she changed into her skirt and
"smart-looking black jacket," along with
the heeled shoes is very good.
-You also capture her emotions as
she seems to fear the traffic and
noise of the town, but then her
eyes light up when she sees the shoes.
-A very good ending that shows
your love of your mother and what
she did for you that day.
-Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
|
-It is very nice artwork, amada,
and a good story to go with it.
-Your descriptions are vivid as
you not only describe the shoes
and your feelings about them,
but your impressions of your mother, too.
-A very good opening showing how
you loved going in to town.
-Your description of her transformation
as she changed into her skirt and
"smart-looking black jacket," along with
the heeled shoes is very good.
-You also capture her emotions as
she seems to fear the traffic and
noise of the town, but then her
eyes light up when she sees the shoes.
-A very good ending that shows
your love of your mother and what
she did for you that day.
-Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Thank you for enjoying my descriptions. They are imprintged in my mind, I am gld I was able to describe them.
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You are very welcome; I can imagine how that would be true for you.
