Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Dead on Arrival"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
13 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Ouchie. Bless his heart. He sure did start out as a good guy. But I suppose he is being pushed into a bad place. Not that that excuses anything, but I think you've given us a reallygood lead-in here.
Some notes for you, if you don't mind -- I'm afraid I may have taken some extra liberties - so be ready and just know that you are welcome to scream and kick and toss everything. *smile*
1.) Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift (by) leaving (where) and looking into the rearview mirror from his blue and gold state police car.
--> Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift by backing his blue and gold State police car out of his Mormon Street driveway. He looked into the rearview mirror, surprised to see Robyn (yay), his wife, standing behind him in her bathrobe, which seemed to be pulled tight enough to constrict her breathing.
2.) There'd hardly been a whisper or hiss
--> I likey!
3.) His chest tightened, as he gripped the wheel and lost sight of her in the montage of manicured homes.
--> need to add something in there somewhere about how he's pulling away
--> His chest tightened as he gripped the wheel, backed out, then eased down the street. He finally lost sight of her as he progressed through the montage of manicured homes.
4.) I thought I made a note about it so sorry if you see this twice. When I went to your portfolio to see how much I missed, I peeked into each chapter and had to go back further and further, right? Well, what I accidentally noticed was that all three chaps start out the exact same way. Just like you can't have all your paragraphs start the same, you cannot have your chaps do that. Need to make some adjustments, please. (And thank you.) *smile*
5.) 'mousy' = (of hair) of a dull light brown color.
--> I don't think the dad of a dearly departed daughter would see his precious angel's hair as 'dull'
6.) He'd been showing off his sports car, (a) low(-)to)(-)the(-)ground red convertible
7.) (He) hit her with the right front corner of his car, throwing her [d-back] against a parked car where she('d) laid like a ragdoll. (or:)
--> He'd struck her with the right front corner and thrown her against a parked car(,) where she'd laid like a ragdoll.
8.) Luke's wife, Sharon(,) (had) raced outside (and) jumped in the backseat (and) he placed Taylor in her arms.
9.) Burning rubber, running stops signs, and lights flashing, he dodged cars until he
--> Luke didn't remember starting the car, but he smelled burnt rubber. He was running hot immediately; police talk for lights and sirens. He dodged cars moving far too slowly, ran stop signs and red lights, and prayed fervently, until he finally came to a controlled skid in front of the hospital's emergency doors.
--> just adding a bit more of the senses AND making his journey sound a bit more controlled. I do think his police training would kick in, don't you?
10.) her ponytail brushing the floor.
--> Stan, she's eight years old - do you KNOW how long that would have to be? Swinging against his legs, yes - but the other, hmmmm.... Think about that. If Dad is of reasonable height - let's say 5'10".
--> Well, wait, let's do it this way. I'm 5'4" and I just measured from where I would carry one of my girls and it was three and a half feet. OF HAIR. So you'd add at least another SIX INCHES for Dad. That's four feet.
11.) in upstate NY, near his state police station.
--> STATE police station? Generally, police cover cities or towns and sheriffs cover county's and states. Is it different where you live?
12.) Like Mt. Saint Helen(s) the
--> no apostrophe
13.) Beth Page recognized (O)fficer Cole while working the drive thru.
14.) She smiled or blushed. He couldn't tell.
--> there's a pretty big diff
15.) "What's this all about Beth?" (h)e asked,
16.) She looked nervous. "Not sure." She looked over at the fat black
--> 'look' x2
I think you have a great start. This sounds intriguing, for sure, and so different from what we've seen before from you. Of course, you are welcome to ignore me. I just made a post about how not everyone agrees with me. *smile*
Glad to see you starting another novel!
Let me know when you edit, please!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Stan,
Ouchie. Bless his heart. He sure did start out as a good guy. But I suppose he is being pushed into a bad place. Not that that excuses anything, but I think you've given us a reallygood lead-in here.
Some notes for you, if you don't mind -- I'm afraid I may have taken some extra liberties - so be ready and just know that you are welcome to scream and kick and toss everything. *smile*
1.) Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift (by) leaving (where) and looking into the rearview mirror from his blue and gold state police car.
--> Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift by backing his blue and gold State police car out of his Mormon Street driveway. He looked into the rearview mirror, surprised to see Robyn (yay), his wife, standing behind him in her bathrobe, which seemed to be pulled tight enough to constrict her breathing.
2.) There'd hardly been a whisper or hiss
--> I likey!
3.) His chest tightened, as he gripped the wheel and lost sight of her in the montage of manicured homes.
--> need to add something in there somewhere about how he's pulling away
--> His chest tightened as he gripped the wheel, backed out, then eased down the street. He finally lost sight of her as he progressed through the montage of manicured homes.
4.) I thought I made a note about it so sorry if you see this twice. When I went to your portfolio to see how much I missed, I peeked into each chapter and had to go back further and further, right? Well, what I accidentally noticed was that all three chaps start out the exact same way. Just like you can't have all your paragraphs start the same, you cannot have your chaps do that. Need to make some adjustments, please. (And thank you.) *smile*
5.) 'mousy' = (of hair) of a dull light brown color.
--> I don't think the dad of a dearly departed daughter would see his precious angel's hair as 'dull'
6.) He'd been showing off his sports car, (a) low(-)to)(-)the(-)ground red convertible
7.) (He) hit her with the right front corner of his car, throwing her [d-back] against a parked car where she('d) laid like a ragdoll. (or:)
--> He'd struck her with the right front corner and thrown her against a parked car(,) where she'd laid like a ragdoll.
8.) Luke's wife, Sharon(,) (had) raced outside (and) jumped in the backseat (and) he placed Taylor in her arms.
9.) Burning rubber, running stops signs, and lights flashing, he dodged cars until he
--> Luke didn't remember starting the car, but he smelled burnt rubber. He was running hot immediately; police talk for lights and sirens. He dodged cars moving far too slowly, ran stop signs and red lights, and prayed fervently, until he finally came to a controlled skid in front of the hospital's emergency doors.
--> just adding a bit more of the senses AND making his journey sound a bit more controlled. I do think his police training would kick in, don't you?
10.) her ponytail brushing the floor.
--> Stan, she's eight years old - do you KNOW how long that would have to be? Swinging against his legs, yes - but the other, hmmmm.... Think about that. If Dad is of reasonable height - let's say 5'10".
--> Well, wait, let's do it this way. I'm 5'4" and I just measured from where I would carry one of my girls and it was three and a half feet. OF HAIR. So you'd add at least another SIX INCHES for Dad. That's four feet.
11.) in upstate NY, near his state police station.
--> STATE police station? Generally, police cover cities or towns and sheriffs cover county's and states. Is it different where you live?
12.) Like Mt. Saint Helen(s) the
--> no apostrophe
13.) Beth Page recognized (O)fficer Cole while working the drive thru.
14.) She smiled or blushed. He couldn't tell.
--> there's a pretty big diff
15.) "What's this all about Beth?" (h)e asked,
16.) She looked nervous. "Not sure." She looked over at the fat black
--> 'look' x2
I think you have a great start. This sounds intriguing, for sure, and so different from what we've seen before from you. Of course, you are welcome to ignore me. I just made a post about how not everyone agrees with me. *smile*
Glad to see you starting another novel!
Let me know when you edit, please!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Thanks, I copied and will work through it. I always appreciate the editing help.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The opening is stellar. Yes, I can see the plot shaping up quite nicely. You have been very transparent in your rendering of the background to this story. I look forward to your future chapters.
Ralf
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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The opening is stellar. Yes, I can see the plot shaping up quite nicely. You have been very transparent in your rendering of the background to this story. I look forward to your future chapters.
Ralf
Comment Written 12-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Sorry it took so long to thank you for your deeply felt review. Blessings around the bookends.
Comment from Ric Myworld
If you aren't a cop, you sure seem to know all the ins and outs from what I can tell of the first two chapters. A policeman with all the family matters that we all have to deal with daily. How could you find the time. Thanks for sharing. And again, I wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2021
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If you aren't a cop, you sure seem to know all the ins and outs from what I can tell of the first two chapters. A policeman with all the family matters that we all have to deal with daily. How could you find the time. Thanks for sharing. And again, I wish I had a six.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2021
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Thanks so much. I see you are a gifted writer and look forward to your successes. Appreciate your perspective and thoughtful review.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I think this has realistic characters. I like the names as well. I found a few little things to fix. The only thing that felt a little rushed to me was the way the daughter's death and also her pony tail was described. Here are about 20 little things to fix:
Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift leaving and looking into the rearview mirror from his blue and gold state police car.
I think try: Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift by leaving home, first looking into the rearview mirror from his blue and gold state police car.
His only daughter, Taylor had died at seven chasing a soccer ball between parked cars in front of his home.
Add comma after Taylor and seven: His only daughter, Taylor, had died at age seven, chasing a soccer ball between parked cars in front of his home.
He replayed the scene
I think maybe add the word 'mentally' so: He mentally replayed the scene
Her room had posters of her favorite players.
This is a good detail, but maybe say:
The walls of her bedroom were completely covered with posters of her favorite players, both American and European.
Her mousy brown hair sported a ponytail like the players she idolized.
I would find a current soccer player who has a pony tail and name her.
He'd been showing off his sports car, low to the ground red convertible--a real killing machine.
Try: He'd been showing off his new sports car, a low-to-the-ground red convertible--a real killing machine.
It hit her with the right front corner of his car, throwing her back against a parked car where she laid like a ragdoll.
Change laid to lay
Luke's wife, Sharon raced outside, jumped in the backseat where he placed Taylor in her arms.
Luke's wife, Sharon, raced outside and jumped in the back seat, where he placed Taylor in her arms.
Luke carried Taylor's body inside, her ponytail brushing the floor.
This makes Luke sound very short, or Taylor's pony tail sound very long. Maybe try: Luke carried Taylor's body inside, her pony tail still intact.
They went through counseling where Luke told the therapist she was right to blame him.
Add a comma after counseling
Afterall, he was in the business of saving others, but couldn't save his own daughter.
Put a space: After all,
Take comma out after others
Like Mt. Saint Helen's the danger could not be seen from the outside, unless you got a good look inside and could see the red glow and feel the heat.
Add a comma after Mount St. Helen's
Beth Page recognized officer Cole while working the drive thru.
Change drive thru to drive-through.
Her maple eyes shined.
Change shined to shone
"What's this all about Beth?" He asked, as he placed it on the front seat.
"What's this all about, Beth?" he asked, as he placed it on the front seat.
Beth's blood drained face said enough.
I kind of think this might be an over-reaction. Maybe she blushes instead, because something feels wrong to her.
His wife Sharon and her lawyer, no doubt hatched the plan, and there was no better place to trick him.
Try: His wife, Sharon, and her lawyer no doubt hatched the plan, since there was no better place to trick him.
Luke had been holding his breath, suffocating his heart.
I think it is enough to say: Luke had been holding his breath.
He learned how to tuck things inside, even when he found the lifeless body of a swollen boy on the rocks of Black River.
Try: the lifeless, swollen body of a boy who had drowned in the Black River.
I definitely think this is a good start!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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I think this has realistic characters. I like the names as well. I found a few little things to fix. The only thing that felt a little rushed to me was the way the daughter's death and also her pony tail was described. Here are about 20 little things to fix:
Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift leaving and looking into the rearview mirror from his blue and gold state police car.
I think try: Officer Luke Cole started his morning shift by leaving home, first looking into the rearview mirror from his blue and gold state police car.
His only daughter, Taylor had died at seven chasing a soccer ball between parked cars in front of his home.
Add comma after Taylor and seven: His only daughter, Taylor, had died at age seven, chasing a soccer ball between parked cars in front of his home.
He replayed the scene
I think maybe add the word 'mentally' so: He mentally replayed the scene
Her room had posters of her favorite players.
This is a good detail, but maybe say:
The walls of her bedroom were completely covered with posters of her favorite players, both American and European.
Her mousy brown hair sported a ponytail like the players she idolized.
I would find a current soccer player who has a pony tail and name her.
He'd been showing off his sports car, low to the ground red convertible--a real killing machine.
Try: He'd been showing off his new sports car, a low-to-the-ground red convertible--a real killing machine.
It hit her with the right front corner of his car, throwing her back against a parked car where she laid like a ragdoll.
Change laid to lay
Luke's wife, Sharon raced outside, jumped in the backseat where he placed Taylor in her arms.
Luke's wife, Sharon, raced outside and jumped in the back seat, where he placed Taylor in her arms.
Luke carried Taylor's body inside, her ponytail brushing the floor.
This makes Luke sound very short, or Taylor's pony tail sound very long. Maybe try: Luke carried Taylor's body inside, her pony tail still intact.
They went through counseling where Luke told the therapist she was right to blame him.
Add a comma after counseling
Afterall, he was in the business of saving others, but couldn't save his own daughter.
Put a space: After all,
Take comma out after others
Like Mt. Saint Helen's the danger could not be seen from the outside, unless you got a good look inside and could see the red glow and feel the heat.
Add a comma after Mount St. Helen's
Beth Page recognized officer Cole while working the drive thru.
Change drive thru to drive-through.
Her maple eyes shined.
Change shined to shone
"What's this all about Beth?" He asked, as he placed it on the front seat.
"What's this all about, Beth?" he asked, as he placed it on the front seat.
Beth's blood drained face said enough.
I kind of think this might be an over-reaction. Maybe she blushes instead, because something feels wrong to her.
His wife Sharon and her lawyer, no doubt hatched the plan, and there was no better place to trick him.
Try: His wife, Sharon, and her lawyer no doubt hatched the plan, since there was no better place to trick him.
Luke had been holding his breath, suffocating his heart.
I think it is enough to say: Luke had been holding his breath.
He learned how to tuck things inside, even when he found the lifeless body of a swollen boy on the rocks of Black River.
Try: the lifeless, swollen body of a boy who had drowned in the Black River.
I definitely think this is a good start!
Comment Written 24-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Thanks Crystie! I copied it off to fix. Always appreciated.
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You're welcome.
Comment from amahra
I'm so glad I'm starting at the beginning of this story. You have already given me cause to care about Luke. Also, you've done a very clever thing: You've provided enough hurt and pain for Luke to justifiably go down a dark path before turning to the light. This allows readers to still like him while he's contemplating or doing evil. Great first chapter!
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2021
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I'm so glad I'm starting at the beginning of this story. You have already given me cause to care about Luke. Also, you've done a very clever thing: You've provided enough hurt and pain for Luke to justifiably go down a dark path before turning to the light. This allows readers to still like him while he's contemplating or doing evil. Great first chapter!
Comment Written 19-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2021
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Thanks so much, Amahra. You knew exactly what I was doing. I had some question how dark this would get. But you understood! This made my day! It is a redemption story, and perhaps I should have prefaced it that way.
Comment from Alaskastory
"Dead on Arrival" is a good first chapter that establishes his personal life. There was no clue to a crime that is the usual beginning in mysteries, but it does let us see Luke plainly and feel sympathy for him.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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"Dead on Arrival" is a good first chapter that establishes his personal life. There was no clue to a crime that is the usual beginning in mysteries, but it does let us see Luke plainly and feel sympathy for him.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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Yes, I think I need to establish this is a psychological thriller and character driven. I also wanted others to know it is a redemption story. Thanks!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
I absolutely love this beginning! It's a real "go" in my mind. Your descriptive language is beyond compare. We see everything your character sees, and feel everything he feels. I'm hooked already!! It feels fresh and new in spite of being about a broken relationship and betrayal. The ending makes us wonder what is ahead for this tortured soul!!
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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I absolutely love this beginning! It's a real "go" in my mind. Your descriptive language is beyond compare. We see everything your character sees, and feel everything he feels. I'm hooked already!! It feels fresh and new in spite of being about a broken relationship and betrayal. The ending makes us wonder what is ahead for this tortured soul!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 17-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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Thanks so much for the encouragement Rhonda. This made my day.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
hello Stan.
You certainly created a conflict within the 1st few paragraphs that establish tension between Luke and his wife. As traumatic as that is, it could certainly spin off into detail to demonstrate how Luke responded and, if and how, it changes his life. Clearly, circumstances like his would change anyone's life. It is open at this point, but there are many ways you could go with it. It could go down a dark trail or up a bright path. There is also the chance the relationship could be saved through other circumstances.
Robert
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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hello Stan.
You certainly created a conflict within the 1st few paragraphs that establish tension between Luke and his wife. As traumatic as that is, it could certainly spin off into detail to demonstrate how Luke responded and, if and how, it changes his life. Clearly, circumstances like his would change anyone's life. It is open at this point, but there are many ways you could go with it. It could go down a dark trail or up a bright path. There is also the chance the relationship could be saved through other circumstances.
Robert
Comment Written 17-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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Spot on Robert. I failed to preface this as a redemption story. We see him go to some dark corners, but there is redemption and grace to be found bathed in light. Thanks for reminding me how I should have set this up so others would buy into the story value.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Ben Colder
You and I have the same habit. Kleshas. Snapped them like twigs. Professor
Dillard and column writer once reminded me of his bad habit as well.
But who cares. Good story, Stan. Sad but good.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2021
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You and I have the same habit. Kleshas. Snapped them like twigs. Professor
Dillard and column writer once reminded me of his bad habit as well.
But who cares. Good story, Stan. Sad but good.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2021
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Yes, you caught me there. That is a classic cliché. I failed to preface that it is a redemption story, and a love story to win his wife back. There's a surprising twist about another daughter he can save, because he's willing to take some chances without his uniform on. My Christian friends like you remind me that we write to show how God can take the lowest points in our life or a dark soul and bring light and life. I did not emphasis that, so the first chapter gives the impression it grows darker without the light one day chasing it away. Thanks!
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Excellent as always, in my opinion, and I know you will do it right. Keep it rolling. I spoke to HallMark concerning the one I did this past winter. I was told to send the M.S but have not as yet. Not sure I will.
Blessing to you, Bro. I love the story.
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amen
Comment from BethShelby
Yes, the hook is there. I would definitely like to read more. I didn't see anything that could have been considered his fault in the death of his daughter and I didn't realize you could get a restraining order without some proof there was something to fear from the other party. His wife seems more guilty of destrying the marriage but he is willing to take the blame. It is a sad situaion. It could lead someone off the deep end. I love the way you write so I'm sure this will be worth reading.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2021
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Yes, the hook is there. I would definitely like to read more. I didn't see anything that could have been considered his fault in the death of his daughter and I didn't realize you could get a restraining order without some proof there was something to fear from the other party. His wife seems more guilty of destrying the marriage but he is willing to take the blame. It is a sad situaion. It could lead someone off the deep end. I love the way you write so I'm sure this will be worth reading.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2021
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Thanks, Beth. I failed to mention that it is a redemption story of second chances of love and family. I gave the impression it would possibly go dark and stay there. Your focus and others helped me see that I should have prefaced that aspect.
