Surprise Packet
80 words5 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Author,
Yes, this would certainly be a nice surprise - but I don't feel much for a character who doesn't DO anything toward bettering his own future, you know? He just waited around until luck finally tapped him on the head. (Even in tiny short pieces) I think readers want to pull for someone who is trying. I do understand this is about surprises - but my comments on the lead-in stand, if they make any sense at all. *smile* (If they don't, don't worry overmuch. That's pretty common. --wink--)
Anyway - some notes:
1.) for that last scrap of unwanted food,
--> for that last scrap of tossed-out food,
--> if it's 'unwanted', obviously no one is going to scrap over it, right? Be careful how you word things so it does say what you mean. *smile*
2.) or the can that will be shelter for tonight.
--> 'car', maybe? Who sleeps in a can? What kind of can? Help?
3.) A big stack of Franklin's. No more street life for me.
--> I think that would be stretching it a bit, wouldn't it? I doubt there could possibly be enough in one pocket to set someone for LIFE.
Let's say there was a stack of one hundred bills. That's only $10,000 That won't set you up for life - just for a brief while, right? And how many stacks of one hundred dollar bills do you think you can get into one pocket? Prob better to say:
--> Finally! A break from street life and a chance to get back on my feet. (or - to try all over - etc.)
Merely thoughts - and yours to ignore. hahaha
Thanks - good luck!
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Dear Mystery Author,
Yes, this would certainly be a nice surprise - but I don't feel much for a character who doesn't DO anything toward bettering his own future, you know? He just waited around until luck finally tapped him on the head. (Even in tiny short pieces) I think readers want to pull for someone who is trying. I do understand this is about surprises - but my comments on the lead-in stand, if they make any sense at all. *smile* (If they don't, don't worry overmuch. That's pretty common. --wink--)
Anyway - some notes:
1.) for that last scrap of unwanted food,
--> for that last scrap of tossed-out food,
--> if it's 'unwanted', obviously no one is going to scrap over it, right? Be careful how you word things so it does say what you mean. *smile*
2.) or the can that will be shelter for tonight.
--> 'car', maybe? Who sleeps in a can? What kind of can? Help?
3.) A big stack of Franklin's. No more street life for me.
--> I think that would be stretching it a bit, wouldn't it? I doubt there could possibly be enough in one pocket to set someone for LIFE.
Let's say there was a stack of one hundred bills. That's only $10,000 That won't set you up for life - just for a brief while, right? And how many stacks of one hundred dollar bills do you think you can get into one pocket? Prob better to say:
--> Finally! A break from street life and a chance to get back on my feet. (or - to try all over - etc.)
Merely thoughts - and yours to ignore. hahaha
Thanks - good luck!
Comment Written 12-Jun-2021
Comment from equestrik
What a nice surprise! This is a fun and positive presentation with a well chosen picture to go with your writing. All the best to you in the upcoming contest.
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What a nice surprise! This is a fun and positive presentation with a well chosen picture to go with your writing. All the best to you in the upcoming contest.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2021
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You described life on the street well, Mystery Author. You did a great job with your contest entry. What a surprise finding that money in the coat. I enjoyed reading and reviewing your entry. Best wishes.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
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You described life on the street well, Mystery Author. You did a great job with your contest entry. What a surprise finding that money in the coat. I enjoyed reading and reviewing your entry. Best wishes.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 11-Jun-2021
Comment from rspoet
This is an excellent surprise and story for the contest.
Good things often come in small packages, but a packet of Bens
is a wonderful bonus.
Well done.
Good luck in the contest.
Robert
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This is an excellent surprise and story for the contest.
Good things often come in small packages, but a packet of Bens
is a wonderful bonus.
Well done.
Good luck in the contest.
Robert
Comment Written 11-Jun-2021
Comment from Bill Schott
This eighty-word story, Surprise Packet, has the required word count tells a neat tale of a life changing surprise that will help a homeless person get a hand up. Neat.
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This eighty-word story, Surprise Packet, has the required word count tells a neat tale of a life changing surprise that will help a homeless person get a hand up. Neat.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2021
