Traffic
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Heading West"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
7 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I must apologise for not following your fine story and episode, so I can but offer my humble opinion and review. I find it has a great potential in its theme and plot, with interesting characters, minor and major. Plus I'm sympathetic to abuse of young girls and children on any leve. Thank you and blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2021
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I must apologise for not following your fine story and episode, so I can but offer my humble opinion and review. I find it has a great potential in its theme and plot, with interesting characters, minor and major. Plus I'm sympathetic to abuse of young girls and children on any leve. Thank you and blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2021
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Thank you for your involved review. You are invited to visit my portfolio and read the first 13 chapters that are about the rescue of 10 Native teens from a trafficking operation. There is no need to write any review. Some chapters have 150 views. So that many have been reading my story. Every chapter is suspenseful. Just enjoy.
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Well done
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Thank you
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OK.
Comment from Mabaker12
As usual your storytelling hits the spot every time and tells a fascinating piece that sometimes remains hidden. Liz and Linda are having an interesting journey and Tommy is learning things he knew nothing about. Well done. Sincerely Anne
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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As usual your storytelling hits the spot every time and tells a fascinating piece that sometimes remains hidden. Liz and Linda are having an interesting journey and Tommy is learning things he knew nothing about. Well done. Sincerely Anne
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Anne, Thank you for your glowing review & 6 stars. Thank you for your ever present appreciation of my work.
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you're very welcome dear friend.
Comment from Jay Squires
They might be getting themselves into a hornet's nest. Do they realize they might be the targets to be trafficked? I wonder. You have a strong storyline here, with enough Native American spiritualism in it to give your story mystery, and enough present-day reality to make it believable.
Here are a few notes as I read. Take or reject, I'm simply making comments based on my experience and intuitive "feel".
Tommy had the solution to the puzzle. It was simple, no need to decode anything. [Personally, I think Tommy's announcement that follows these two lines will have MUCH more impact (built on surprise) if you leave these two sentences out. Let the reader be surprised with them.
"Liz explained." [You have three declarative sentences in a row, Liz, two beginning with "Liz explained." To avoid a monotony of syntax, you might want to break up your sentences. Just a suggestion. I find myself doing the same thing on a first draft, but when I go through revisions, I change them around.]
"I would have brutely, and futilely attempted [I would have BRUTALLY, an futiley..."]
Thank you for sharing your latest chapter, Liz.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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They might be getting themselves into a hornet's nest. Do they realize they might be the targets to be trafficked? I wonder. You have a strong storyline here, with enough Native American spiritualism in it to give your story mystery, and enough present-day reality to make it believable.
Here are a few notes as I read. Take or reject, I'm simply making comments based on my experience and intuitive "feel".
Tommy had the solution to the puzzle. It was simple, no need to decode anything. [Personally, I think Tommy's announcement that follows these two lines will have MUCH more impact (built on surprise) if you leave these two sentences out. Let the reader be surprised with them.
"Liz explained." [You have three declarative sentences in a row, Liz, two beginning with "Liz explained." To avoid a monotony of syntax, you might want to break up your sentences. Just a suggestion. I find myself doing the same thing on a first draft, but when I go through revisions, I change them around.]
"I would have brutely, and futilely attempted [I would have BRUTALLY, an futiley..."]
Thank you for sharing your latest chapter, Liz.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Thank you for your helpful review. I guess I have a lot of explaining to do. I have attended to all of your observations. It is good to know how others are reading it. In an earlier chapter 14, that thought strikes them that they'd seen the van as it passed by with the girls in it. They dove to the ground so as not to be struck. They remained undiscovered. They have no desire to go into Billings.
Comment from Pj Dennison
I love the way your dialogues tell the story. I hear their voices in my mind when I read your words along with their images. When you write about the countryside, the native people, native rituals it warms my heart. It makes me a little homesick to go to a sweat lodge or a good pow wow. Thank you for sharing your story and being an advocate to stop the trafficking of people.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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I love the way your dialogues tell the story. I hear their voices in my mind when I read your words along with their images. When you write about the countryside, the native people, native rituals it warms my heart. It makes me a little homesick to go to a sweat lodge or a good pow wow. Thank you for sharing your story and being an advocate to stop the trafficking of people.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Thank you for your ever supportive and appreciative reviews. It's good to know I am coming across as respectful.
Comment from Judy Lawless
I like how you've brought many of the things mentioned in previous chapters together, with more detail, Liz. I think things might get a little nasty in the coming chapters, with the Food Festival arriving in town.
A couple of things: 1. You Background information isn't complete. It comes to an end mid-sentence. 2. "they would not be the same person(people)"
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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I like how you've brought many of the things mentioned in previous chapters together, with more detail, Liz. I think things might get a little nasty in the coming chapters, with the Food Festival arriving in town.
A couple of things: 1. You Background information isn't complete. It comes to an end mid-sentence. 2. "they would not be the same person(people)"
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Thank you for your ever supportive review. I meant to check where they would cut me off on the background info. Then I saw a shiny object...lol
Comment from aryr
What a great continuation chapter, Liz. You included the thoughts, the visions and the sounds of the adventures of the women. You presented honor in each statement that they recalled. When Tommy offered insight into what Kai Zita said in her message, they further questioned the outcome. This was indeed a great piece of writing, well done and very much enjoyed.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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What a great continuation chapter, Liz. You included the thoughts, the visions and the sounds of the adventures of the women. You presented honor in each statement that they recalled. When Tommy offered insight into what Kai Zita said in her message, they further questioned the outcome. This was indeed a great piece of writing, well done and very much enjoyed.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Thank you for your ever supportive review. It is always good to know what strikes you as valuable.
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You are most welcome, Liz
Comment from lyenochka
I was happy to see the mention of your book, Be Wee with Bea! And I appreciate the human trafficking information here. Looking forward to Tommy's blanket story.
Suggestions/Comments:
they would not be the same person. (people)
Below the first quote is missing end quotes and and there were others missing end quotes but I wasn't sure if it was because the same speaker was continuing.
I don't know who is speaking in these two quotations:
"Neither of us would have ever entertained the idea of rescuing teens being held captive. How scary.
"Terror for the girls minimizes any fear experienced by us. When we heard their individual stories of darkness, it took us to a new level of reality."
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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I was happy to see the mention of your book, Be Wee with Bea! And I appreciate the human trafficking information here. Looking forward to Tommy's blanket story.
Suggestions/Comments:
they would not be the same person. (people)
Below the first quote is missing end quotes and and there were others missing end quotes but I wasn't sure if it was because the same speaker was continuing.
I don't know who is speaking in these two quotations:
"Neither of us would have ever entertained the idea of rescuing teens being held captive. How scary.
"Terror for the girls minimizes any fear experienced by us. When we heard their individual stories of darkness, it took us to a new level of reality."
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Thank-you for your ever supportive review. In answer to your query: "Below the first quote is missing end quotes and and there were others missing end quotes but I wasn't sure if it was because the same speaker was continuing. This is a technique I recently learned. I've included the link. I have found it invaluable. You may know I was hesitant to use dialogue because rules have changed since my English Comp book from the 60's. This link has restored my confidence. Do check it out.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
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Thank you, Liz! I bookmarked that blog. Appreciate you!
