On the Edge of Deception Pg 47
The round up begins.....16 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This is another great installment. It is quite the cliffhanger and I cannot wait to see what happens. There is no room for improvement. The picture matches the story.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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This is another great installment. It is quite the cliffhanger and I cannot wait to see what happens. There is no room for improvement. The picture matches the story.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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My goodness, girl, you have been busy reading. I thank you for each and every chapter and for your remarks concerning them. I appreciate your time and effort. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from LJbutterfly
I'm so impressed with your ability to create a realistic governmental task force, and a "snatch and grab" sting operation. My imagination is on overload. I can hear the background music as the movie camera flips from Amanda being put into the ambulance, Spider is grabbed and his bike is loaded into the van, Paco and Shorty are picked up, and you see Ric leaning on the bar casually talking to Nancy, while Daisy is already seated in an empty office waiting to be questioned. Remember the scene in The Godfather, where you hear the opera while you see all sorts of murders going on? Outstanding!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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I'm so impressed with your ability to create a realistic governmental task force, and a "snatch and grab" sting operation. My imagination is on overload. I can hear the background music as the movie camera flips from Amanda being put into the ambulance, Spider is grabbed and his bike is loaded into the van, Paco and Shorty are picked up, and you see Ric leaning on the bar casually talking to Nancy, while Daisy is already seated in an empty office waiting to be questioned. Remember the scene in The Godfather, where you hear the opera while you see all sorts of murders going on? Outstanding!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Oh, Lorraine...I do remember! Awesome...I am sitting here laughing as I read your narration of my story unfolding. We got'em, girl friend!
I've got Paco and Shorty and almost got Spider... then comes the drum roll,,,,, Nancy gets picked up!!!!
You are the best! Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from nancy_e_davis
It sounds as though they have everything covered. Of course you never know for sure when you are dealing with a criminal mind. Punks or seasoned crooks, they all have that one screw loose and have to try to outsmart the officials. LOL Well done, Carol. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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It sounds as though they have everything covered. Of course you never know for sure when you are dealing with a criminal mind. Punks or seasoned crooks, they all have that one screw loose and have to try to outsmart the officials. LOL Well done, Carol. Nancy:)
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Of course, they do...that's what makes it fun, Nancy. Who is going to outsmart whom? Thanks for the kind review, as always. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Wow! This almost reads like a script from Law and Order! It's a good thing the good guys in your story seem to be better organized than the bad guys, but of course, we don't get to see the inside operations of the criminals (at least not in this chapter). I have a feeling that I probably missed a chapter or two, especially since I am first learning that the neighbor Amanda took a cruel beating.
Some very minor spags and suggestions:
The round up begins.....
-->
The roundup begins....
OR
The round-up begins....
U.S. Marshalls
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U.S. Marshals
" Paco's residence is listed at 1342 Peyton.
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"Paco's residence is listed at 1342 Peyton.
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I didn't know who O'Shea and McKay were, but I had the feeling that they are some corrupt people in leadership. I was able to ascertain that Columbia is some kind of motorcycle gang, but I don't know where they fit in. Your story has a lot of moving parts!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Wow! This almost reads like a script from Law and Order! It's a good thing the good guys in your story seem to be better organized than the bad guys, but of course, we don't get to see the inside operations of the criminals (at least not in this chapter). I have a feeling that I probably missed a chapter or two, especially since I am first learning that the neighbor Amanda took a cruel beating.
Some very minor spags and suggestions:
The round up begins.....
-->
The roundup begins....
OR
The round-up begins....
U.S. Marshalls
-->
U.S. Marshals
" Paco's residence is listed at 1342 Peyton.
-->
"Paco's residence is listed at 1342 Peyton.
***
I didn't know who O'Shea and McKay were, but I had the feeling that they are some corrupt people in leadership. I was able to ascertain that Columbia is some kind of motorcycle gang, but I don't know where they fit in. Your story has a lot of moving parts!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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OShea is the current Chief of Police and Judge McKay is residing over the murder trial. Both are crooked... Columbia is the town where it takes place. Spider (one of the suspects) is a biker. Hope that helps you some. I appreciate you reading and for your suggestions. Smiles and hugs..Carol
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You're very welcome, Carol. I am happy to put my 2 cents in (even though it pays more, haha).
Thank you for filling me in, on some of the characters. I hope things are going well with Kaitlyn. God bless you and your family.
Love, Mary Kay xoxo
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Brilliant! I'm champing at the bit to see the vicious criminals get their comeuppance--do you know how many more chapters you'll be writing? I await with impatience the next!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Brilliant! I'm champing at the bit to see the vicious criminals get their comeuppance--do you know how many more chapters you'll be writing? I await with impatience the next!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Let's see... we must round them up, get them to spill the beans, decide who gets what, oh yeah and there's court coming up for Beth, Ty needs to be cleared, and Peter has to be caught... Did I miss any thing? Oh yeah... a celebration when it ends. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, you've really got quite an organization of top guns in this one, Carol! So much detail. It's great. Wish I had some sixes left, but maybe I will before it all comes to a conclusion. Can't wait to see how this plays out.
One little spag:
"place them in(to) cubicle..."
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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Wow, you've really got quite an organization of top guns in this one, Carol! So much detail. It's great. Wish I had some sixes left, but maybe I will before it all comes to a conclusion. Can't wait to see how this plays out.
One little spag:
"place them in(to) cubicle..."
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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Thank you, Judy. since we don't know who is actually corrupt under O'Shea, it is best to bring in federal and not take the chance of tipping anyone off. I appreciate that you love the story. That's all I care about. Smiles, Carol
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Yes, I think that is wise. But then I'm thinking back, wondering if anyone Ric or Hank has talked to might have picked up a hint about something going down. ha, ha. My suspicious mind!
Comment from Leann DS
What the heck? Are you a former police officer to? Lol You have the lingo down! Very effective and realistic dialogue. The plan is coming together. I'm getting nervous again. Ha ha well done, and as always, thanks for sharing. Hugs and blessings to you.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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What the heck? Are you a former police officer to? Lol You have the lingo down! Very effective and realistic dialogue. The plan is coming together. I'm getting nervous again. Ha ha well done, and as always, thanks for sharing. Hugs and blessings to you.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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It wouldn't be very nice of me to say I like when you get nervous....but it does mean I am writing it correctly. LOL I am thrilled you believe it sounds realistic. Thanks again. Smiles, Carol
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Girl, I want you to make me nervous or angry or something every time I read a chapter. :-) Hugs.
Comment from Susan Newell
I like the way we are seeing movement and things starting to pull together. I did get a little lost with it being mostly dialogue and wasn't always sure who was speaking. Poor Daisy with the flopping boobs. Looks like she'll come out of this just fine. I'm anxious ro see what happens with Nancy, and I'm still concerned for Beth.
I picked up on a few other things:
No state or local law enforcement would be involved in today's operation for fear of a leak. -- Isn't Ric local police?
beamed as he praised their accomplishments in the past few hours."-- delete end quotes
a state white-collar crimes task force, -- above you said no state or local
"Saying we get enough information to file charges against O'Shea and McKay -- I've forgotten who McKay is
O'Shea's fingers ran deep." -- run deep?
Once you have your detainee, return here, and place them==> detainees
Hopefully, their visibility to each other will start some conversation. -- conversations?
"Okay, everyone, listen up. Agent Spinello and Agent Patterson will form two teams, eight agents and four cars. Spinello, here's your packet of information on Spider. Patterson, I'm giving your team Paco and Spider. -- Why is Spinello getting info on Spider if Patterson is going after him? What about Shorty? Is he still an unknown to law enforcement?
making any big raucous.==> ruckus
Everyone loaded up and the round-up was under way. -- up above, you already had "Let's roll," and I assumed these were conversations in vehicles on the move.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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I like the way we are seeing movement and things starting to pull together. I did get a little lost with it being mostly dialogue and wasn't always sure who was speaking. Poor Daisy with the flopping boobs. Looks like she'll come out of this just fine. I'm anxious ro see what happens with Nancy, and I'm still concerned for Beth.
I picked up on a few other things:
No state or local law enforcement would be involved in today's operation for fear of a leak. -- Isn't Ric local police?
beamed as he praised their accomplishments in the past few hours."-- delete end quotes
a state white-collar crimes task force, -- above you said no state or local
"Saying we get enough information to file charges against O'Shea and McKay -- I've forgotten who McKay is
O'Shea's fingers ran deep." -- run deep?
Once you have your detainee, return here, and place them==> detainees
Hopefully, their visibility to each other will start some conversation. -- conversations?
"Okay, everyone, listen up. Agent Spinello and Agent Patterson will form two teams, eight agents and four cars. Spinello, here's your packet of information on Spider. Patterson, I'm giving your team Paco and Spider. -- Why is Spinello getting info on Spider if Patterson is going after him? What about Shorty? Is he still an unknown to law enforcement?
making any big raucous.==> ruckus
Everyone loaded up and the round-up was under way. -- up above, you already had "Let's roll," and I assumed these were conversations in vehicles on the move.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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I assumed no one would include Ric since he was the one who technically started the investigation, but I went back and eliminated the state and local comment and also changed the task force to a federal one.
It is Paco and Shorty...just a glitch when I was typing. It's fixed.
I believe I fixed the rest of the suggestions...thank you!
I'm struggling to make it sound official. I appreciate the help. Smiles, Carol
McKay is the judge currently on the bench of Beth's trial. H's wife needed a kidney and O'Shea took care of it, locking the judge into his shady deals.
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LOL I woke up in the middle of the night thinking, "Judge McKay!"
I think you may be struggling with the "official stuff" because it's kind of boring -- to the characters speaking and listening, thus also to the writer. Maybe some of it could be told indirectly, rather than through dialogue. ???
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I went back and read it again. Some of the little tweaks made a big difference, particularly getting Shorty in there. I found a couple other little things that might improve it:
would never have guessed her knack for details. ==> would penchant be a better term?
Together, they will make the final decisions and issue all warrants." -- This basically restates the first sentence in the paragraph. Do you need it?
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penchant was a great word...my brain just wouldn't think of it..LOL I made the changes...Thanks!
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Yeah.. it's just then I get jumped on for telling now showing.. It's a difficult balancing act. You have me laughing...you are suppose to sleep at night not think about Judge McKay. I was up at 3 trying to figure out how to arrest these guys and make it interesting too. I've got Paco and Shorty wrapped up... Spider's in a truck stop with a girl... Bikers are pulling in...that's it so far!
Nancy will be the last one to be escorted out...I know everyone is rooting for her demise.
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I'm amazed that you can keep it all straight in your head and unwind all these believable subplots. I'm waiting for the interviews with squealing and finger-pointing and Nancy and Spider trying to protect each other. This is all gong to get very interesting!
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I saw Amanda not just having a skill for details, but almost driven to record them. I'm on stand-by for the next "page."
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Once again you've weighed in heavily with the teams that Garth has set up.
Everything seems to be perfectly planned and will meet with success. The hope is that this will be low-key and avoid gossip that could ruin the takedown. Thanks to Amanda they have the cases in hand. Great read, Carol!
Ralf
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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Once again you've weighed in heavily with the teams that Garth has set up.
Everything seems to be perfectly planned and will meet with success. The hope is that this will be low-key and avoid gossip that could ruin the takedown. Thanks to Amanda they have the cases in hand. Great read, Carol!
Ralf
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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Wow...I am honored as always with the kind response to my story and also for the glittery stars. It means so much to know you are impressed with the storyline and its realistic value. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
And so the beginning of the end starts! There is a lot at risk here, and they don't want to blow it. I'm really looking forward to how Nancy takes it all, I'm sure she try to bluff it out, but will soon find out that won't work. Well done, my friend, the preparation well really well. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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And so the beginning of the end starts! There is a lot at risk here, and they don't want to blow it. I'm really looking forward to how Nancy takes it all, I'm sure she try to bluff it out, but will soon find out that won't work. Well done, my friend, the preparation well really well. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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Thanks so much Sandra...I am trying to make it sound as realistic as possible (but since I've never been in the situation I am relying on what I've read or watched. It appears most are truly liking it and that makes me very happy. Appreciate your kindness as always. Smiles, Carol
