On the Edge of Deception Pg 23
Jumping the Gun or just doing his job?19 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
It's as though I can't read fast enough. The building suspense and action revs up the drama. This is my kind of story to read. Beth's finger prints on the knife, the Chief's press conference without an investigation, and a warrant for Beth's arrest weaves a tight web. What do you have in store for us next?
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2021
  |
It's as though I can't read fast enough. The building suspense and action revs up the drama. This is my kind of story to read. Beth's finger prints on the knife, the Chief's press conference without an investigation, and a warrant for Beth's arrest weaves a tight web. What do you have in store for us next?
Comment Written 25-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2021
-
So happy you are enjoying the story...My kind to, fast moving, twists and turns, and unexpected bumps in the road. Smiles, Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Carol,
A strong chapter. I really liked that things I was worried about were addressed to strongly suspend disbelief that Beth could be put in the line of fire on this. Nice tension through the piece and the boiling over begins.
it was about to boil over.
(This paragraph did well to give a feel like we are coming back from a commercial break; I'm expecting Beth is going to get blamed for her awful father's death. Hopefully her best friend learned her lesson from the first time of not believing her. If they think she was able to tie her dad down... well, that would be some lazy policework. Though... if he were passed out on the bed... maybe? Will have to wait and see.)
First, the press conference about the hijacking and releasing the names of those involved would get him much desired attention.
"What did any woman see in that scum? He's got Nancy from Last Chance
(Right! That's what I was thinking.)
Culbertson's arrest for the murder of her father, Dwight Culbertson."
(Uhg... his motives make it easiest to blame Beth and call it the day, and a win. So frustrating. (in a good way)
"Yeah, to kill her father."
(lol... If he was smart, he'd realize a good lawyer would have a field day with shotty police work... and he'd look bad in the end. It's always best to find the right criminal... but... fate was always pointing to that it would get worse for Beth.)
over at the Chalet. Are you close by?"
"I'd love to (join you)?, but the Chief is calling a press conference in ten. I "Could you trace the call?
(doesn't caller id happen from a public bar? Though, I wonder if this is before Caller id.)
he can kiss his career goodbye."
(Nice! I like that my mind was in the same place as this)
"Could I use your phone for a quick call, please?"
(Though none of these two paused on the ... wait? Tied up. How would she have managed that?)
"No time. I've got to get to Beth before the cops do." [Bert was anxious.](might be able to delete this, as Bert's tone was already strongly anxious)
fingerprints are on the knife."
(Nice foreshadow and it shows Hank is experienced and reading the situation)
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2021
 |
Hi, Carol,
A strong chapter. I really liked that things I was worried about were addressed to strongly suspend disbelief that Beth could be put in the line of fire on this. Nice tension through the piece and the boiling over begins.
it was about to boil over.
(This paragraph did well to give a feel like we are coming back from a commercial break; I'm expecting Beth is going to get blamed for her awful father's death. Hopefully her best friend learned her lesson from the first time of not believing her. If they think she was able to tie her dad down... well, that would be some lazy policework. Though... if he were passed out on the bed... maybe? Will have to wait and see.)
First, the press conference about the hijacking and releasing the names of those involved would get him much desired attention.
"What did any woman see in that scum? He's got Nancy from Last Chance
(Right! That's what I was thinking.)
Culbertson's arrest for the murder of her father, Dwight Culbertson."
(Uhg... his motives make it easiest to blame Beth and call it the day, and a win. So frustrating. (in a good way)
"Yeah, to kill her father."
(lol... If he was smart, he'd realize a good lawyer would have a field day with shotty police work... and he'd look bad in the end. It's always best to find the right criminal... but... fate was always pointing to that it would get worse for Beth.)
over at the Chalet. Are you close by?"
"I'd love to (join you)?, but the Chief is calling a press conference in ten. I "Could you trace the call?
(doesn't caller id happen from a public bar? Though, I wonder if this is before Caller id.)
he can kiss his career goodbye."
(Nice! I like that my mind was in the same place as this)
"Could I use your phone for a quick call, please?"
(Though none of these two paused on the ... wait? Tied up. How would she have managed that?)
"No time. I've got to get to Beth before the cops do." [Bert was anxious.](might be able to delete this, as Bert's tone was already strongly anxious)
fingerprints are on the knife."
(Nice foreshadow and it shows Hank is experienced and reading the situation)
Comment Written 25-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2021
-
Awesome review as usual, Turtle. made the changes and love how you are catching on to what the undercurrents are. Many do not and then I worry. Thanks again. Smiles, Carol
Comment from karenina
Blind ambition! That Chief Cates only for big headlines and a jet propulsion leap to the top in the upcoming election! Foolish man...
Heartless too!
I'm going to be so glad when his railroading of Beth runs HIM over!
Karenina
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2021
|
Blind ambition! That Chief Cates only for big headlines and a jet propulsion leap to the top in the upcoming election! Foolish man...
Heartless too!
I'm going to be so glad when his railroading of Beth runs HIM over!
Karenina
Comment Written 25-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2021
-
Yes his time will come...He's in it for himself...not the town, not for law in general, just his own success and attention. Smiles, Carol
-
Grrrr. Small town politics is just as egocentric as big time politics!--Karenina
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Well, that was fast, huh? I like that Chief about as much as I liked Dwight. He is a yucky, yucky, self-serving smuck. Bleck.
One note:
--> (")How can he without the time of death confirmed and the weapon?" Bert questioned.
On to the next--
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
Carol,
Well, that was fast, huh? I like that Chief about as much as I liked Dwight. He is a yucky, yucky, self-serving smuck. Bleck.
One note:
--> (")How can he without the time of death confirmed and the weapon?" Bert questioned.
On to the next--
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
Hello, my friend...I have finally managed to make it through 32 reviews and made I hope all the corrections. I can't believe how messed up I am. Thank heavens for good friends...especially ones like you. smiles, Carol
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
And so begins the rush to judgment that is always so hard to disprove. It is fortunate, however, that she has Bert protecting her. That is the only light in this case and hopefully, it will be a 'spotlight.'
Ralf
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
And so begins the rush to judgment that is always so hard to disprove. It is fortunate, however, that she has Bert protecting her. That is the only light in this case and hopefully, it will be a 'spotlight.'
Ralf
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
Thanks again for your continual dedication to following my story. I truly appreciate it and thank you. Smiles, Carol
-
My pleasure!
Ralf
Comment from royowen
That's a big problem, electing someone to a legal office of power, where their political ambitions are concerned. I'm glad they don't do that here, they are career lawmen here. Poor Beth, this will give her an unhealthy outlook on justice, quite often people are judged on the colour of their skin, or their lowly social status, and that's a statistical fact. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Typo : the slumbering town of(f) Columbia.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
That's a big problem, electing someone to a legal office of power, where their political ambitions are concerned. I'm glad they don't do that here, they are career lawmen here. Poor Beth, this will give her an unhealthy outlook on justice, quite often people are judged on the colour of their skin, or their lowly social status, and that's a statistical fact. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Typo : the slumbering town of(f) Columbia.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
Thanks, Roy...fixed the typo and thank you for continuing to read and enjoy., Makes me very happy when others connect with my characters. Smiles, Carol
-
Well done
Comment from Webb Johnson
I love the opening. A small town with big secrets is an irresistible plot line to lovers of short stories, and your engaging narrative voice surely adds to the allure. "Murder, deception, drugs, and sex," juxtaposed with "...a whole lot of trickery," has me leaving the real world and into a deft storyteller's imagination.
The Cast of characters is large and the scenario is fast-paced, but I had no trouble at all keeping the story in front of me. I went over the dramatis personae at the end and found no surprises. This piece, so far, is a page turner, with a wealth of possibilities. I'm new, but I'll figure out how to be notified whenever your submissions are waiting for review.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
I love the opening. A small town with big secrets is an irresistible plot line to lovers of short stories, and your engaging narrative voice surely adds to the allure. "Murder, deception, drugs, and sex," juxtaposed with "...a whole lot of trickery," has me leaving the real world and into a deft storyteller's imagination.
The Cast of characters is large and the scenario is fast-paced, but I had no trouble at all keeping the story in front of me. I went over the dramatis personae at the end and found no surprises. This piece, so far, is a page turner, with a wealth of possibilities. I'm new, but I'll figure out how to be notified whenever your submissions are waiting for review.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
Thanks, Webb. I truly appreciate your input. This is the 24th chapter, and it would be great to have your input on every chapter because I think you are that good of a writer. To make me a friend, go under Community Page at the top for the screen, look for Find a Member, then hit the B, and it will bring up a list. I am Begin Again. That will take you to my profile page, and you hit to become a fan on the left side of the page. I already get notified of your postings. I truly appreciate the stars and your interest in my writing. Thanks again ...Smiles to you - Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You could turn this good story into a great story by showing us the action not telling us. Showing puts the reader into the story, like they are watching it happen.
Ric grinned sheepishly, "Yeah, I wanted to know. It's not cut and dry, but it's not looking good for the girl either." (period needed after sheepishly. Telling, not showing.)
We'll give the Gazette some big headlines" (period needed after headlines.)
Hank was fuming, "You are aware, if he's wrong, he can kiss his career goodbye." (period needed after fuming, but I would write 'Hank fumed.' active instead of passive.)
The waitress laughed, "For you, anything, Bert. (period after laughed)
Hank looked at her suspiciously, (period after suspiciously. But more importantly you are telling us and not showing us. There are of a lot of other places where you tell and not show. Maybe here, Hank's eyebrows rose.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
You could turn this good story into a great story by showing us the action not telling us. Showing puts the reader into the story, like they are watching it happen.
Ric grinned sheepishly, "Yeah, I wanted to know. It's not cut and dry, but it's not looking good for the girl either." (period needed after sheepishly. Telling, not showing.)
We'll give the Gazette some big headlines" (period needed after headlines.)
Hank was fuming, "You are aware, if he's wrong, he can kiss his career goodbye." (period needed after fuming, but I would write 'Hank fumed.' active instead of passive.)
The waitress laughed, "For you, anything, Bert. (period after laughed)
Hank looked at her suspiciously, (period after suspiciously. But more importantly you are telling us and not showing us. There are of a lot of other places where you tell and not show. Maybe here, Hank's eyebrows rose.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
Hello Barbara, and I thank you for the review, the suggestions, and the assistance as always. I have completed my task for the second time...having forgotten to save them the first time through. Senility is my problem. Smiles, Carol
Comment from eliz100
This is another great installment. It is a nail-biting, edge of the seat piece. You have set the stage for things to come. I look forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
This is another great installment. It is a nail-biting, edge of the seat piece. You have set the stage for things to come. I look forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
good morning again - I shall get right on that next chapter. Don't want you biting your fingers off if you run out of the nails. LOL Thanks so much for the kind review. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
Heart racing again, Carol! I get so involved in reading it, I could have missed errors, but this is the only little thing I noticed: How can he without the time of death confirmed and the weapon?" - quotation marks needed at the beginning of sentence.
This is great work! Wish I had more sixes. They don't give us enough considering how much amazing writing there is on here lately. lol
Waiting for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
Heart racing again, Carol! I get so involved in reading it, I could have missed errors, but this is the only little thing I noticed: How can he without the time of death confirmed and the weapon?" - quotation marks needed at the beginning of sentence.
This is great work! Wish I had more sixes. They don't give us enough considering how much amazing writing there is on here lately. lol
Waiting for the next chapter.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
Hi, Judy - Am so exhausted, but I had this chapter almost finished when I got home last night so I forced myself to write the ending. I thank you for reading and for enjoying. It's worth more than you will ever know. Smiles, Carol
-
I appreciate your posts, but don't push yourself too hard, Carol. You will need your strength for next week. Hugs
-
thanks - I do appreciate your. Smiles, Carol
