On the Edge of Deception Pg 19
When Push Came To Shove -20 total reviews
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Very interesting story! I had some trouble following all the characters, especially in the beginning, and some weren't included below, in your list of characters. I didn't see other chapters, but I assume that this is part of a longer story, because the title says "Pg. 19."
I found some errors:
She answered on the first ring. "Hello"
-->
She answered on the first ring. "Hello."
" Back off, Dwight. I'm not in the mood."
-->
"Back off, Dwight. I'm not in the mood."
"Really, why would you fire, Jesse?"
-->
"Really, why would you fire Jesse?"
Dwight was smarter than she'd given him credit.
-->
Dwight was smarter than she'd given him credit for.
She leaned over and kissed him."I'll get us some cold beers,
-->
She leaned over and kissed him. "I'll get us some cold beers,
It's is going to be a night you won't forget."
-->
It's going to be a night you won't forget."
***
I don't like to see anyone meet a violent end, but I'm not sorry to see Dwight Culbertson go, for the sake of poor Beth. I wonder how she's doing. Nancy is going to be in big trouble now -- even though she was in a very difficult position with Dwight.
I think this post also needs a warning for sex and violence, besides language.
It was a nice touch, with Amanda, her dog Mr. Tiny and her crush on Hank Arnato.
reply by the author on 11-May-2021
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Very interesting story! I had some trouble following all the characters, especially in the beginning, and some weren't included below, in your list of characters. I didn't see other chapters, but I assume that this is part of a longer story, because the title says "Pg. 19."
I found some errors:
She answered on the first ring. "Hello"
-->
She answered on the first ring. "Hello."
" Back off, Dwight. I'm not in the mood."
-->
"Back off, Dwight. I'm not in the mood."
"Really, why would you fire, Jesse?"
-->
"Really, why would you fire Jesse?"
Dwight was smarter than she'd given him credit.
-->
Dwight was smarter than she'd given him credit for.
She leaned over and kissed him."I'll get us some cold beers,
-->
She leaned over and kissed him. "I'll get us some cold beers,
It's is going to be a night you won't forget."
-->
It's going to be a night you won't forget."
***
I don't like to see anyone meet a violent end, but I'm not sorry to see Dwight Culbertson go, for the sake of poor Beth. I wonder how she's doing. Nancy is going to be in big trouble now -- even though she was in a very difficult position with Dwight.
I think this post also needs a warning for sex and violence, besides language.
It was a nice touch, with Amanda, her dog Mr. Tiny and her crush on Hank Arnato.
Comment Written 11-May-2021
reply by the author on 11-May-2021
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Hi! Mary Kay...Yes the story is in my portfolio and has been going on for some time...Beth is about to be charged for the murder of Dwight (which she of course did not commit) but the truth lies just around the corner. No one was sorry to see Dwight Culbertson go...and neither will they cry when Nancy gets whats coming to her. Thank you for reading.... smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Amanda will be the key to all of this. I can't wait to read how it develops. You are doing a good job writing this. I am happy Dwight is out of the picture. I'm sure Beth will be accused of it, but as we know she didn't do it.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
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Amanda will be the key to all of this. I can't wait to read how it develops. You are doing a good job writing this. I am happy Dwight is out of the picture. I'm sure Beth will be accused of it, but as we know she didn't do it.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
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Yoou are so right! But the road to innocence is long and difficult. Thanks for the review. Smiles, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
I'm glad it was Nancy and not Hank that killed. Hank a good guy but I thought he seen what Dwight was trying to do to his daughter. That mystery is solved, but it's Beth prints that are on the knife. Nicely written thriller.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2021
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I'm glad it was Nancy and not Hank that killed. Hank a good guy but I thought he seen what Dwight was trying to do to his daughter. That mystery is solved, but it's Beth prints that are on the knife. Nicely written thriller.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2021
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Good morning, Beth... Trying to get caught up on these reviews before I head out to help Matt on set. Too old I think! I see you read out of order, did you get it figured out? have a great day! Smiles, Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, again, Carol.
Continuing to enjoy this. Reads like watching a tv series, in which we are looking to find what happens to the characters, the omnicient pov makes for quickly giving the reader information to emphasis dramatic elements in play. I could sense that Dwight's time on earth was dwindling when Nancy noticed the knife on the floor. Though, Dwight didn't have much going for him. I do worry for Beth now, with her fingerprints on the weapon, though... maybe Amanda saw something of use.
My thoughts along the way:
"The perks of riding shotgun, I guess."
(he gets to eat the donut... and allows for some interaction between partners. Does well to give a visual too, of a character in motion)
didn't care who became the suspect.
(good back and forth hops to different areas around the same theme, even with the omnicient pov, there's still enough left unanswered to leave some suspense)
"Good night, Hank."
(Good tension with multiple parties swarming the same area, all trying to get to Beth)
I'll tell you the same thing[,] I told them.
(I think you need to remove this comma (reason is because it initially made me thing she told them: I'll tell you the same thing.)
She admired the car as it drove away. (maybe a bit of info on the car here to buffer the she-she... also might give us a hint what about the car she liked? Brass rims verb'd down the road with something something?) She glanced at the business card and smiled.
Mighty fine driver too!
(Someone has a crush, maybe.)
"I'm in here. Grab me a beer and get one for you, too." (Suggest a paragraph break... as this action tag made me think it is Nancy speaking) She could tell he was still drunk.
refreshing the air as she walked.
(the friction in the relationship between these two is good. Though, Dwight is painted with a might ugly soul, so he's easy to dislike)
Dwight. Why would you say something like that?"
(Ha! knew it was Peter... though, it may have been disclosed long, long ago. )
Showed her a thing or two, and she high-tailed it down the alley."
(yeah... guy is proud to have cowed his daughter. A real gem. He's practically begging to get murdered. And It would be hard to feel bad for him.)
Let Mama make it up to you."
(a smarter woman, leveraging the situation.)
Think! Think!
(Bye bye, Dwight... I think Nancy has had it up to her eyeballs with him as her boyfriend)
Her plan had worked. Now all she had to do is(was) leave,
(Tense slip, suggest was)
She wanted him to know she'd won, not him.
(I was expecting it would have to end this way, that Nancy would be smart enough to kill two birds with one stone, now Beth is going to be in extra trouble. And an orphan.
high in the air, (saying) "This one's for you, Dwight.(,)" as she slipped out the back door, hurrying down the alley to her car.
(a small fix for this image, and the clarity and I think the punctuation)
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2021
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Hi, again, Carol.
Continuing to enjoy this. Reads like watching a tv series, in which we are looking to find what happens to the characters, the omnicient pov makes for quickly giving the reader information to emphasis dramatic elements in play. I could sense that Dwight's time on earth was dwindling when Nancy noticed the knife on the floor. Though, Dwight didn't have much going for him. I do worry for Beth now, with her fingerprints on the weapon, though... maybe Amanda saw something of use.
My thoughts along the way:
"The perks of riding shotgun, I guess."
(he gets to eat the donut... and allows for some interaction between partners. Does well to give a visual too, of a character in motion)
didn't care who became the suspect.
(good back and forth hops to different areas around the same theme, even with the omnicient pov, there's still enough left unanswered to leave some suspense)
"Good night, Hank."
(Good tension with multiple parties swarming the same area, all trying to get to Beth)
I'll tell you the same thing[,] I told them.
(I think you need to remove this comma (reason is because it initially made me thing she told them: I'll tell you the same thing.)
She admired the car as it drove away. (maybe a bit of info on the car here to buffer the she-she... also might give us a hint what about the car she liked? Brass rims verb'd down the road with something something?) She glanced at the business card and smiled.
Mighty fine driver too!
(Someone has a crush, maybe.)
"I'm in here. Grab me a beer and get one for you, too." (Suggest a paragraph break... as this action tag made me think it is Nancy speaking) She could tell he was still drunk.
refreshing the air as she walked.
(the friction in the relationship between these two is good. Though, Dwight is painted with a might ugly soul, so he's easy to dislike)
Dwight. Why would you say something like that?"
(Ha! knew it was Peter... though, it may have been disclosed long, long ago. )
Showed her a thing or two, and she high-tailed it down the alley."
(yeah... guy is proud to have cowed his daughter. A real gem. He's practically begging to get murdered. And It would be hard to feel bad for him.)
Let Mama make it up to you."
(a smarter woman, leveraging the situation.)
Think! Think!
(Bye bye, Dwight... I think Nancy has had it up to her eyeballs with him as her boyfriend)
Her plan had worked. Now all she had to do is(was) leave,
(Tense slip, suggest was)
She wanted him to know she'd won, not him.
(I was expecting it would have to end this way, that Nancy would be smart enough to kill two birds with one stone, now Beth is going to be in extra trouble. And an orphan.
high in the air, (saying) "This one's for you, Dwight.(,)" as she slipped out the back door, hurrying down the alley to her car.
(a small fix for this image, and the clarity and I think the punctuation)
Comment Written 21-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2021
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Awesome review as always. You're the best when it comes to telling the whys and hows of your decisions on reviewing. thanks again, Turtle. Everything fixed... Smiles, Carol
Comment from dmt1967
This chapter was your best one ever. I would have liked to see how angry she was rather than be told, though. 'Her hand shook as she plunged the knife into his cold heart...'
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2021
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This chapter was your best one ever. I would have liked to see how angry she was rather than be told, though. 'Her hand shook as she plunged the knife into his cold heart...'
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2021
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True, show is better than telling. When I go back and thorough check, I'll see if I can rewrite it better. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Gert sherwood
Begin Again.
I must say you have written this chapter for us reader's to be socked. And slowly building us up to a gruesome scene of Dwight being stabbed was very vivid.
Gert
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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Begin Again.
I must say you have written this chapter for us reader's to be socked. And slowly building us up to a gruesome scene of Dwight being stabbed was very vivid.
Gert
Comment Written 20-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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Yes, unfortunately, he did reach his demise in a horrific way, but he was an evil man. Now we have to let the police find his killer and we need to save poor Beth. Thank you Gert. Smiles to you Carol
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You are most welcome
Begin Again
will be waiting for time the law finds him
Comment from Mastery
Hey, good job, Carol. A lot more clarity to this chapter and then images were fantastic, like this for instance: "Taking a big bite of the donut, he laughed with his mouth full. Jelly oozed from the corners of his mouth."
This sounds real official Good : "A few seconds later, I saw our girl running across the backyard. I called her name, but she vanished. Someone must have called it in because there's been a cruiser circling the area for the last thirty minutes."
Suggestions: "see if you see any suspicious girls." (Try, see if you spot any suspicious-looking girls.)
And this felt like exaggeration or "over-writing" Carol:
"Nancy rubbed her hand across her cheek. Her eyes smoldered with hate. She needed an escape route, and she needed it fast. She changed her approach."
Keep up the good work. Bob
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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Hey, good job, Carol. A lot more clarity to this chapter and then images were fantastic, like this for instance: "Taking a big bite of the donut, he laughed with his mouth full. Jelly oozed from the corners of his mouth."
This sounds real official Good : "A few seconds later, I saw our girl running across the backyard. I called her name, but she vanished. Someone must have called it in because there's been a cruiser circling the area for the last thirty minutes."
Suggestions: "see if you see any suspicious girls." (Try, see if you spot any suspicious-looking girls.)
And this felt like exaggeration or "over-writing" Carol:
"Nancy rubbed her hand across her cheek. Her eyes smoldered with hate. She needed an escape route, and she needed it fast. She changed her approach."
Keep up the good work. Bob
Comment Written 20-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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Hi, friend...I'm honored that you are pleased with this chapter. Thanks for the suggestions..funny how a change of a word can make such a difference. Appreciate your review and am thrilled that you liked it. Smiles - Carol
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Keep on keep in' on Carol. :) Bob
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Thanks ... I am actually enjoying this story. I love all the twists and turns. It appears a lot of other people like it too. that makes me feel good. Smiles, Carol
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:) Bob
Comment from Ric Myworld
This is one of those times when I'm glad I had a six left in my bank. You built up the stabbing with a crescendo effect that excited me into a frenzy with Dwight's murder. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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This is one of those times when I'm glad I had a six left in my bank. You built up the stabbing with a crescendo effect that excited me into a frenzy with Dwight's murder. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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WOOHOO! Coming from you this is an absolute home run. i am thrilled that I could get the adrenalin flowing... I'm always fearful men might think I got it all wrong.. I don't write vulgar but I hope I leave enough so the imagination fills in the gap. though someone did tell me I needed warnings on everything. Absolutely blown away with your beautiful six and more so for your thoughts. Smiles and hugs - Carol
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Yes, they always tell me I need warnings too. I don't think you do, as most of the time, I don't think I do either. We both obviously try to leave most of the details up to the readers imaginations. Yes, and I get slammed quit often for that too. Keep up the great work. I'm a true fan!
Comment from Susan Newell
This just keeps getting better and better. I am so relieved that Amanda saw Nancy. I'm so worried about Beth. I can't wait for the next installment.
Suddenly, a light bulb lit up in her head. -- seems a little trite. Better way to express?
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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This just keeps getting better and better. I am so relieved that Amanda saw Nancy. I'm so worried about Beth. I can't wait for the next installment.
Suddenly, a light bulb lit up in her head. -- seems a little trite. Better way to express?
Comment Written 20-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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Oh I am so flattered with the shiny stars and your thoughts.. Yes, I'm still worried about Beth because Amanda is the neighbor that doesn't share anything....Thank you! I didn't like the light bulb either but I couldn't think of anything else...Open to suggestions... Smiles-Carol
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She had a sudden flash of insight.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Another amazing chapter, Carol! I'm happy they are coming close together because you just keep baiting us to read more. lol. How will Beth get out of this one? Seems everyone is trying to set her up.
One thing I question: how can a man be so strong and potent when he is so drunk? Just saying. lol
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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Another amazing chapter, Carol! I'm happy they are coming close together because you just keep baiting us to read more. lol. How will Beth get out of this one? Seems everyone is trying to set her up.
One thing I question: how can a man be so strong and potent when he is so drunk? Just saying. lol
Comment Written 20-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
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Hi Judy - My brother was an alcoholic and let me tell you they can be both...until they cross over the line of falling down unconscious drunk. Sad...but true. I am thrilled you are excited about the upcoming chapters...Smiles, Carol
