On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "On the Edge of Deception Pg 17"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
18 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
"Silly. I am your best friend, and I happen to know it's your mom's birthday. I knew you would come, so I called in sick (to school) and waited." (delete) The reader knows they are school girls. Either delete or (I pulled a sickie at school) sounds more realistic, in my opinion.
"Are you nuts, man? I don't know you or your woman, I assure you." Peter gave his clothing a once over, making sure the (lowlife) hadn't left any slime on him. (lay about or hooligan) as you have used lowlife in relation to the other character and the reader might get confused.
Another great chapter and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2021
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"Silly. I am your best friend, and I happen to know it's your mom's birthday. I knew you would come, so I called in sick (to school) and waited." (delete) The reader knows they are school girls. Either delete or (I pulled a sickie at school) sounds more realistic, in my opinion.
"Are you nuts, man? I don't know you or your woman, I assure you." Peter gave his clothing a once over, making sure the (lowlife) hadn't left any slime on him. (lay about or hooligan) as you have used lowlife in relation to the other character and the reader might get confused.
Another great chapter and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2021
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Thanks for continuing to follow the story line. i appreciate your suggestions and thoughts. Smiles, Carol
Comment from eliz100
This is another great installment, as usual. It is interesting from beginning to end. There is an s that doesn't belong."Their veranda at night(s)." Keep it coming.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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This is another great installment, as usual. It is interesting from beginning to end. There is an s that doesn't belong."Their veranda at night(s)." Keep it coming.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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I fixed the s that you so kindly brought to my attention. chap 18 is posted and I am feverishly waiting for FS to allow me to post Chap 19. It's a big one! I hope I did it justice. Please feel free to make suggestions because I really want to get it right. Thanks - Smiles, Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
(Reading though this section, enjoyed the continuation, didn't have any hard stops, as I'm reading to see what happens with Beth)
Thoughts along the way:
Today was Cynthia Culbertson's birthday.
(Really like this as a starter sentence)
Cynthia's life had been a troubled one. She married Dwight at a young
(this bit has a bit of a stop the story backstory feel, which I'm not sure how to address, but noted the feeling. Though I do like the lead into the cemetery.)
fell against the headstone, sobbing.
(strong emotions and understandable that Beth would turn to her mother to talk to even though she's not alive)
"I missed you too. I've been worried sick." She paused, wondering how
(This plays out like a show, tv series. I could hear the music they might play along to accent the emotions and scene)
so I called in sick to school and waited."
(I did figure that someone who knew her might think to look there.)
long breath and exhaled. "I guess I should go see Dad first."
(I laughed because Rachel says exactly what I was thinking)
chance to make amends, shouldn't I?"
(Poor Beth. I don't know if she's making the right choice, but it would be hard to choose a stranger over your own parent to go to)
worse than they are(,) if that's at all possible."
(Maybe a comma to give the afterthought?)
"A Rotello truck, carrying a load of Oxycontin, was hijacked. Actually,
(I will note, that from chapter to chapter... they seem to mention the load of Oxycotin often...though with the fanstory format, only people who remember the last chapter would notice how often.)
It's got to be an inside job."
(I wonder if it's an inside job? ; ) Though, I understand the echo. You have to repeat, else nobody will know what's going on, from chapter to chapter)
talking to Nate. A real jumpy guy."
(Because he's probably the inside guy. But... it remains to be seen)
He'd [[needed to replenish]](replenished)? his supply at Clancey's, the neighborhood liquor store.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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(Reading though this section, enjoyed the continuation, didn't have any hard stops, as I'm reading to see what happens with Beth)
Thoughts along the way:
Today was Cynthia Culbertson's birthday.
(Really like this as a starter sentence)
Cynthia's life had been a troubled one. She married Dwight at a young
(this bit has a bit of a stop the story backstory feel, which I'm not sure how to address, but noted the feeling. Though I do like the lead into the cemetery.)
fell against the headstone, sobbing.
(strong emotions and understandable that Beth would turn to her mother to talk to even though she's not alive)
"I missed you too. I've been worried sick." She paused, wondering how
(This plays out like a show, tv series. I could hear the music they might play along to accent the emotions and scene)
so I called in sick to school and waited."
(I did figure that someone who knew her might think to look there.)
long breath and exhaled. "I guess I should go see Dad first."
(I laughed because Rachel says exactly what I was thinking)
chance to make amends, shouldn't I?"
(Poor Beth. I don't know if she's making the right choice, but it would be hard to choose a stranger over your own parent to go to)
worse than they are(,) if that's at all possible."
(Maybe a comma to give the afterthought?)
"A Rotello truck, carrying a load of Oxycontin, was hijacked. Actually,
(I will note, that from chapter to chapter... they seem to mention the load of Oxycotin often...though with the fanstory format, only people who remember the last chapter would notice how often.)
It's got to be an inside job."
(I wonder if it's an inside job? ; ) Though, I understand the echo. You have to repeat, else nobody will know what's going on, from chapter to chapter)
talking to Nate. A real jumpy guy."
(Because he's probably the inside guy. But... it remains to be seen)
He'd [[needed to replenish]](replenished)? his supply at Clancey's, the neighborhood liquor store.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Awesome Turtle... I've made the adjustments already while I read so I wouldn't miss anything. thanks again...You have got to be the best reviewer on this site. Telling the good with the bad. It helps a lot especially to know what goes over well. smiles - Carol
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Thanks, Carol. I don't think I'm the best, but I try to be helpful and also let others know that I am enjoying myself with reading.
:)
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to me you are the best...I get people showing me grammar errors or punctuation but seldom do they show me what I did right and why they think so...or explain anything they disagree with. I had one try to rewrite my whole story, because I just didn't understand how it should be written. Duh!!! Smiles, Carol
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
I'm not sure how Dwight knew Peter when he saw him OR how he concluded it was the same Peter that was on the phone. Seems like a kind of big leap to me. Just saying. The rest is all good. Thanks!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Carol,
I'm not sure how Dwight knew Peter when he saw him OR how he concluded it was the same Peter that was on the phone. Seems like a kind of big leap to me. Just saying. The rest is all good. Thanks!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Hi! He's the son of the biggest trucking business in town... his face is well known. I suppose as far as the phone call I should go back and connect him somehow. I didn't think about the call. Good catch! Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Please don't say Beth is going to see her dad, is she mad?????? He's out of control, totally! I'm so glad that Rachel has made up with Beth, they are best friends, and know each other inside out. What a lot is happening in this part, Carol, and now I have another one to read!!! Well done, my friend, off I go to the next part. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Please don't say Beth is going to see her dad, is she mad?????? He's out of control, totally! I'm so glad that Rachel has made up with Beth, they are best friends, and know each other inside out. What a lot is happening in this part, Carol, and now I have another one to read!!! Well done, my friend, off I go to the next part. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Good afternoon, Sandra... I really need to get rid of this evil muse that's lurking in my head. I just can't seem to get this young girl a break... and I don't expect in the near future either. thanks for the review and sending you a big smile. Carol
Comment from karenina
So much to devour here! I read it all way, too fast, anxious to know all the latest twists!
Then, fully sated with a whole lot of plot developments, I went back and read more slowly...
Feeling Beth's need for her mother, smiling when Rachel stepped up to be the supportive friend...and cringing at the all too real tendency for the abused to find some way to reconcile what should be love with what has been intolerable abuse.
And the rape. The devastating shame Beth feels for not being able to stop the most intimate violation. I wanted to scream "It is not your fault!"
*******
That was powerful. Personal. Painful...
And still you pushed on, offering advancement of the drug heist...
Cleverly creating a chance encounter between Dwight and Peter...
Giving a peak into the law enforcement activity...
Thoroughly immersive reading! My head is spinning!
I CARE about these characters. You have made them real...
I have read novels by very famous authors that have not had me this emotionally invested.
I'm serious.
I hope you are scoping out publishers to submit this to.
Your work. Your skill level-- deserves a much larger readership!
Congratulations...
Huge success with more to come!
Karenina
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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So much to devour here! I read it all way, too fast, anxious to know all the latest twists!
Then, fully sated with a whole lot of plot developments, I went back and read more slowly...
Feeling Beth's need for her mother, smiling when Rachel stepped up to be the supportive friend...and cringing at the all too real tendency for the abused to find some way to reconcile what should be love with what has been intolerable abuse.
And the rape. The devastating shame Beth feels for not being able to stop the most intimate violation. I wanted to scream "It is not your fault!"
*******
That was powerful. Personal. Painful...
And still you pushed on, offering advancement of the drug heist...
Cleverly creating a chance encounter between Dwight and Peter...
Giving a peak into the law enforcement activity...
Thoroughly immersive reading! My head is spinning!
I CARE about these characters. You have made them real...
I have read novels by very famous authors that have not had me this emotionally invested.
I'm serious.
I hope you are scoping out publishers to submit this to.
Your work. Your skill level-- deserves a much larger readership!
Congratulations...
Huge success with more to come!
Karenina
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Good morning, Karenina - Whoopie I was afraid I didn't get Beth's true emotions to come across well enough. She really is devastated and lost without her Mom to navigate around Dwight and then the unforgivable rape (you see I took care of that scumbag quite quickly). I am so flattered that you understand my characters and are attached to them, because that's how I get when I write them, especially Beth. As for publishers, never have I had any idea of how to do that. I think I will try the Kindle-Amazon thing when it's done and maybe several other stories. I am thrilled that you love the story. Smiles, Carol
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There is always the open opportunity to publish this for free on Kindle... Submitting it to a paying publisher opens the possibility of remuneration for your work! Thank goodness we have the internet-- there is a lot of info out there on "how to"... Karenina
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You are smarter than me probably when it comes to the internet. I rely on my son to direct me, but he's kind of busy at the moment.
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I'll dig around....let you know if I find anything!--Karenina
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Well this next chapter I'm about to post shall be dedicated to you my sweet. I just have to give it a quick check and when you have time I know you're going to love it. At least I hope!! Smiles, Carol
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Oh no! I don't deserve even private dedication! I'm just a huge fan! Can't wait to read it though... It'll likely be later, my silly husband has this idea in his head he should eat dinner EVERY night! (laughing....)---Karenina
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I'll wait. Just tell me when to post it...I want your input and suggestions first...It's a block buster and I want it to be right.
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If it's ready now, I'll stretch it out for the read... (even though he's hungry)--- Otherwise, who is to say? Sometime tonight! Likely very late! Please post! It's not like you have ANY chance of me missing out on reading it! (Call me SUPER-FAN!)---Karenina
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I'm ready!
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I don't want to hold you from dinner...Go take care of your husband. It'll be there when you can. I'll wait to post after the news and after I feed my son. It's not nice of me to ask your husband to wait while you read my story...and I want you to have plenty of time
Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly
I like the conflict caused by the thought that Beth might go to see her dad. She seems even willing to forgive him! I am looking forward to the next chapter to see what folly follows :)
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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I like the conflict caused by the thought that Beth might go to see her dad. She seems even willing to forgive him! I am looking forward to the next chapter to see what folly follows :)
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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That's the problem with abuse... they want to forgive their families and then go back for more knowing it's the wrong thing. Like a moth to the flame... Thanks, my friend. Smiles, Carol
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My pleasure.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
You are a pro, Carol! Stunning narration rich in detail--well-drawn characters-- intense interactions are vividly real.
Garth and Katherine have Emmy and [I=>ME] over for dinner (unless you intend him to misspeak)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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You are a pro, Carol! Stunning narration rich in detail--well-drawn characters-- intense interactions are vividly real.
Garth and Katherine have Emmy and [I=>ME] over for dinner (unless you intend him to misspeak)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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I always misspeak so how can I decided whether I intended him to misspeak. LOL I did not! And I thank you for the correction. Smiles - Carol
I've been gone and I am now sitting her trying to get through all these stories I need to read... I don't know if I can do all-nighters any more. LOL
Comment from lancellot
This was an interesting chapter. It did seem heavy on the dialogue, don't you think. Beth's going from a conversation with her dead mom about her woes, to a wanting to see her dad, seem very fast. She conversation with Rachel was almost like they were checking off boxes on a list of reasons, where Beth brushed them all off as if the plot called for her to go home.
I would suggest looking that over.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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This was an interesting chapter. It did seem heavy on the dialogue, don't you think. Beth's going from a conversation with her dead mom about her woes, to a wanting to see her dad, seem very fast. She conversation with Rachel was almost like they were checking off boxes on a list of reasons, where Beth brushed them all off as if the plot called for her to go home.
I would suggest looking that over.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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thanks for your thoughts. I'll definitely take another look at it. Yes, there's lots of dialogue, because someone said I was too descriptive and I needed to show not tell. I struggle to please. thanks again and I really will go back and read over the chapter because I hope to publish when it's finished. Smiles - Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always nice to read about the trials and tribulations of life without all the graphic violence, sex, and foul language. You're writing is proof that the power of suggestion can say everything you want to get across without all the filth. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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It's always nice to read about the trials and tribulations of life without all the graphic violence, sex, and foul language. You're writing is proof that the power of suggestion can say everything you want to get across without all the filth. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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I hope so, because if it didn't I wouldn't be able to write. I'm not a prude by any means, but I don't believe we need to have our faces smeared in it either. Appreciate your review..... By the way, you might like the little short I just posted. My son honored my husband today.
Smiles, Carol
