On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "On the Edge of Deception Pg 16"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
18 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
"I'd rather stand." His face (was tense,) and his eyes shifted back and forth between his dad and the detective. (tensed) Try to refrain from using 'was' as it makes the scene telling.
Ethan nodded and (then) stood next to the bed, squeezing Tyson's hand. (delete) 'Then' is often like 'had', not needed.
If it is the same person talking and the subject of the action there is no need for a new paragraph. New paragraphs should only be used for a different character or new topic.
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2021
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"I'd rather stand." His face (was tense,) and his eyes shifted back and forth between his dad and the detective. (tensed) Try to refrain from using 'was' as it makes the scene telling.
Ethan nodded and (then) stood next to the bed, squeezing Tyson's hand. (delete) 'Then' is often like 'had', not needed.
If it is the same person talking and the subject of the action there is no need for a new paragraph. New paragraphs should only be used for a different character or new topic.
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2021
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Thanks for all your suggestions, Katharine. I split the paragraphs because people were complaining it was hard to read at times. I aim to please..lol I'll check out the rest. Smiles - Carol
Fixed!
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Wow. So many moving parts. Good job keeping the story moving forward, even as you keep adding more details and more gears to the machine. Nice job~
Enjoyed!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Carol,
Wow. So many moving parts. Good job keeping the story moving forward, even as you keep adding more details and more gears to the machine. Nice job~
Enjoyed!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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It's about to blow up again I think... Never know what's happening in this story. Thanks for reading on...Smiles, Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Carol,
Read through this chapter. A few typos, but entertaining continuation of different motives and characters going. Good interactions, with Ethan having a emotional chat with his injured friend, and other plot points playing out.)
"think a spoon would stand straight up in the cup."
(nice interaction and still like the balance of dialogue and motion. Cute joke with the coffee being strong)
the funeral expenses. I'll pick up all the cost."
(wonder if Ric could take a sip of his coffee here? Not a real suggestion, more idle... enjoying the scene and had this random thought to break Nate's movement and talking, and give us a sense of Ric responding, even tho he doesn't need to say anything)
opinion, there's a leak somewhere."
(nice push of plot here, through dialog)
Dad? You're about to pop a cork."
(I wonder if the son is the culprit. It may have already been disclosed, but his presence as they are talking... I will be suspicious of everyone.)
Santiago. I'm sure we'll meet again."
(oops, never good to root for death in front of detectives)
could be so different.
(maybe the son is just someone for me to be suspcious of... and it's someone else)
numerous colored bags slowly dripped into the IV.
(strong descriptions, good visuals)
goodbye, Ty. I love you,(.)" He squeezed his friend's hand one last time and left the room.
(typo... action tag needs the period)
"What the hell happened out there?" The(the) voice on the other end
(typo, the snapping makes this a dialogue tag, and the The needs to be little. Example: "What is going on?" the man asked. )
"Not a good time!" The man on the other end of the line sounded
(this is good... because sounded is an explaination)
finger. "What was that all about, Sweetie[.]?"
(little typo)
"Dwight -(")
"The last woman that hung up on me is dead."
(fighting words... this plays out like watching a TV police drama, with the overhanging pov following different people)
She laughed,(.) (") [']I told you to call me tomorrow. Goodnight, Peter."
(little typos that you might have already caught as I was finishing through the reading)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi, Carol,
Read through this chapter. A few typos, but entertaining continuation of different motives and characters going. Good interactions, with Ethan having a emotional chat with his injured friend, and other plot points playing out.)
"think a spoon would stand straight up in the cup."
(nice interaction and still like the balance of dialogue and motion. Cute joke with the coffee being strong)
the funeral expenses. I'll pick up all the cost."
(wonder if Ric could take a sip of his coffee here? Not a real suggestion, more idle... enjoying the scene and had this random thought to break Nate's movement and talking, and give us a sense of Ric responding, even tho he doesn't need to say anything)
opinion, there's a leak somewhere."
(nice push of plot here, through dialog)
Dad? You're about to pop a cork."
(I wonder if the son is the culprit. It may have already been disclosed, but his presence as they are talking... I will be suspicious of everyone.)
Santiago. I'm sure we'll meet again."
(oops, never good to root for death in front of detectives)
could be so different.
(maybe the son is just someone for me to be suspcious of... and it's someone else)
numerous colored bags slowly dripped into the IV.
(strong descriptions, good visuals)
goodbye, Ty. I love you,(.)" He squeezed his friend's hand one last time and left the room.
(typo... action tag needs the period)
"What the hell happened out there?" The(the) voice on the other end
(typo, the snapping makes this a dialogue tag, and the The needs to be little. Example: "What is going on?" the man asked. )
"Not a good time!" The man on the other end of the line sounded
(this is good... because sounded is an explaination)
finger. "What was that all about, Sweetie[.]?"
(little typo)
"Dwight -(")
"The last woman that hung up on me is dead."
(fighting words... this plays out like watching a TV police drama, with the overhanging pov following different people)
She laughed,(.) (") [']I told you to call me tomorrow. Goodnight, Peter."
(little typos that you might have already caught as I was finishing through the reading)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Changes and suggestions completed. Awesome as usual. If I wasn't so tired from today's crazy events I would sit and talk to you all night. I am amazed how you can make suggestions or tell me how you like something. I have one person who is quite mean and belittling about it. Thanks, Carol
Comment from royowen
Things are becoming a little more convoluted, with this lady barman or woman, knowing Dwight and having some sort of a connection to a guy on the phone, meanwhile Rachel has regretted what she has done to Beth, and thinks Beth will hate her. Well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Things are becoming a little more convoluted, with this lady barman or woman, knowing Dwight and having some sort of a connection to a guy on the phone, meanwhile Rachel has regretted what she has done to Beth, and thinks Beth will hate her. Well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
Thanks, Roy ... Appreciate the review and your understanding of the story. The guy on the phone is Nate Rotello's son. And Nancy - well, she's just plain evil. thanks again. Smiles, Carol
Just posted chapter 17
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Good job
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Most welcome Judy
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I thought the leak was Peter when Ric was talking with his Dad. I'm right. I didn't have Nancy connected, although I knew she evil by how fast she got things in order to switch evidence to Beth. This is another good write.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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I thought the leak was Peter when Ric was talking with his Dad. I'm right. I didn't have Nancy connected, although I knew she evil by how fast she got things in order to switch evidence to Beth. This is another good write.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Barbara, I'm trying to squeeze in responding to everyone before I have to be on set. I'm glad you understand how evil Nancy is too. So much more is going to happen. Thanks again....smiles, Carol
Comment from eliz100
This is another great read from beginning to end. You moved the story along quite nicely. I do not see any room for improvement. Please, keep the installments coming.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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This is another great read from beginning to end. You moved the story along quite nicely. I do not see any room for improvement. Please, keep the installments coming.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and kind review. I appreciate that you are continuing to follow the story. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
You've done an excellent job on this chapter, Carol. It's almost hard to keep up! I like all the mystery, though. One thing, I don't see Nancy in your list of characters. I think I know who she is, but...
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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You've done an excellent job on this chapter, Carol. It's almost hard to keep up! I like all the mystery, though. One thing, I don't see Nancy in your list of characters. I think I know who she is, but...
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Thanks for letting me know I dropped our evil woman from the list...I'll fix that right away. I'm afraid we need to know who she is. Your review and stars are awesome. I am so glad you love the story. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sally Law
A fine chapter for your book, dear Carol. You are showing great promise here. I enjoyed your characters and the involved story line. It is rich with nuances and undercurrents.
A few improvements for your consideration.
"Now, Dwight, honey -"
"Now, Dwight honey ..." Ellipses here instead of dash.
["Dwight -
The shrill ring of the phone startled Nancy. She tried to ignore the call. "Aren't you going to answer it?" Dwight asked.]
Connect the above to read: "Dwight ..." The shrill ring of the phone startled Nancy. She tried to ignore the the call. "Aren't you going to answer it?" Dwight asked.
Ellipses are recommended by my copy editor to suggest a trailing off. An ellipsis is a set of three periods ( . . . ) indicating an omission. Each period should have a single space on either side, except when adjacent to a quotation mark, in which case there should be no space.
"Oh my God!" Or "Oh, my God!" Remove capital m from my.
I hope this is helpful and adds to your fine work. I will be staying tuned!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs.....
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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A fine chapter for your book, dear Carol. You are showing great promise here. I enjoyed your characters and the involved story line. It is rich with nuances and undercurrents.
A few improvements for your consideration.
"Now, Dwight, honey -"
"Now, Dwight honey ..." Ellipses here instead of dash.
["Dwight -
The shrill ring of the phone startled Nancy. She tried to ignore the call. "Aren't you going to answer it?" Dwight asked.]
Connect the above to read: "Dwight ..." The shrill ring of the phone startled Nancy. She tried to ignore the the call. "Aren't you going to answer it?" Dwight asked.
Ellipses are recommended by my copy editor to suggest a trailing off. An ellipsis is a set of three periods ( . . . ) indicating an omission. Each period should have a single space on either side, except when adjacent to a quotation mark, in which case there should be no space.
"Oh my God!" Or "Oh, my God!" Remove capital m from my.
I hope this is helpful and adds to your fine work. I will be staying tuned!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs.....
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Good morning, Sally...Thanks for the pointers. I had read that either way was acceptable on the ellipses, but if an editor says otherwise, I'm on board and will try to remember it. I was on set with my son yesterday, so I'm glad there weren't more mistakes than those. Thank you again for your kind review and your help. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
There is a lot going on and I wanted to start your new week off with a token of my appreciation, which will surely leave out most of the week's new posts. But I enjoy them all! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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There is a lot going on and I wanted to start your new week off with a token of my appreciation, which will surely leave out most of the week's new posts. But I enjoy them all! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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You are so special! You make me smile with every post. this is going to get nastier... don't know where all this evilness is coming from ... but as long as you are enjoying it, I am happy. The shiny stars have started the week off with bright sunshine and smiles. I appreciate your reviews - stars or not! Smiles, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
So Nate's son Peter is the leak. It looks like he might be a dangerous person for Nancy to be blowing off. You are doing and excellent job. I don't know where you find the time to write with all that is going on with your son's project and your involvement in it. I admire your stamina.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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So Nate's son Peter is the leak. It looks like he might be a dangerous person for Nancy to be blowing off. You are doing and excellent job. I don't know where you find the time to write with all that is going on with your son's project and your involvement in it. I admire your stamina.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Good morning, Beth... Me either! I squeeze it while food is in the oven and of course late nights. I was stunned by the reviews I had this morning. I've got a late call on set today so hopefully I might get another chapter posted. Thanks again as always, Carol
