On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "On the Edge of Deception Pg 15"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
19 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
(Ethan checked his phone, "Come on, Ty, you can't still be mad at me, can you?" Since they'd shared punches and Tyson stormed out, Ethan had not been able to reach his friend. It didn't make sense; something was wrong. Ethan opened his front door to leave, almost slamming into a man in a suit.) These should not be separate paragraphs as they concern the same subject.
Ethan stepped aside and allowed the detective to enter. (gap) "Please sit down over here." Both of them chose chairs and then Ethan continued to question Ric(,) "Tyson Jamison? Are you sure? He doesn't even own a car." (.) This is an action and therefore needs a full stop. If it was the dialogue and after that a speech tag then a comma would be correct.
"Where did this happen? Whose car was it? Is he going to be alright?" (Ethan was filled with questions). I would put an action tag in front of the dialogue like ' Ethan leaned forward or Ethan frowned.' (delete) Your actual words already tell the reader this.
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2021
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(Ethan checked his phone, "Come on, Ty, you can't still be mad at me, can you?" Since they'd shared punches and Tyson stormed out, Ethan had not been able to reach his friend. It didn't make sense; something was wrong. Ethan opened his front door to leave, almost slamming into a man in a suit.) These should not be separate paragraphs as they concern the same subject.
Ethan stepped aside and allowed the detective to enter. (gap) "Please sit down over here." Both of them chose chairs and then Ethan continued to question Ric(,) "Tyson Jamison? Are you sure? He doesn't even own a car." (.) This is an action and therefore needs a full stop. If it was the dialogue and after that a speech tag then a comma would be correct.
"Where did this happen? Whose car was it? Is he going to be alright?" (Ethan was filled with questions). I would put an action tag in front of the dialogue like ' Ethan leaned forward or Ethan frowned.' (delete) Your actual words already tell the reader this.
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2021
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Sorry, you didn't find this chapter up to par. I appreciate your thoughts and comments. I checked my Grammarly again and made adjustments. Thanks - Carol
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Wow. I've got a lot of catching up to do! I'll do my best, but be patient with me, boss. *smile*
One small note:
--> (")After the press conference, I went to class.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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Carol,
Wow. I've got a lot of catching up to do! I'll do my best, but be patient with me, boss. *smile*
One small note:
--> (")After the press conference, I went to class.
Thanks!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
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I know the feeling...the other night, I came to an unexpected 50 reviews and 25 stories to read... It's not safe to take a day off from here. I finally got caught up this morning. Now it's writing time! So hurry up because a lot is happening and I need your trusty eyes to set me straight. Smiles and hugs - Carol
Glad you are feeling better!
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Although things are really bad for Beth at this moment, at least there are some positive attitudes that will make a determined effort to find her and set things straight. The story flows well.
Ralf
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Although things are really bad for Beth at this moment, at least there are some positive attitudes that will make a determined effort to find her and set things straight. The story flows well.
Ralf
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi Ralf - Yes, she does have people willing to help if the young lady would stay in one spot long enough. LOL The writer must have a fixation on moving a lot. LOL Thanks again Ralf - Smiles, Carol
Comment from karenina
You know what? I disagree. It's not a humdrum chapter. The best of novels have "breathers"--chapters where a reader can step back, take a break from the high tension and have the (lever and skilled) author use the chapter to tie up loose ends, introduce a different dynamic (such as Bert and Ric coming together, and Ethan and Rachel at the metaphorical equivalent of good in the face of evil)-- I, for one, appreciate this. Life and all it's events mimic an EKG.... the beating heart transfers electrically on paper as rising and falling spikes of varying degrees with a "resting phase" in between (Sorry, it's the RN in me that brings this explanation to mind)--- If an EKG was ALL flat line...the patient is dead. If it was ALL SPIKES---the patient would be in severe arrhythmia and would die without immediate life support measures. This is why th e best novels ebb and flow... They allow the reader to gain balance, get their "sea legs"--and prepare for the next storm on the horizon! (Or, with any luck at all, a clearing sun --and a promise of smooth sailing.)
The dots are slowly connecting. Jesse has reaped what he's sown...
I have gone to the beginning and taken the whole journey to this point, now and I am ever so grateful to you for suggesting that! NOW--this Dwight excuse for a human being... Whew! He'd better prepare!--Fantastic series! You must be eye rolling for all my praise. I don't give it idly... I am very impressed!---Karenina
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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You know what? I disagree. It's not a humdrum chapter. The best of novels have "breathers"--chapters where a reader can step back, take a break from the high tension and have the (lever and skilled) author use the chapter to tie up loose ends, introduce a different dynamic (such as Bert and Ric coming together, and Ethan and Rachel at the metaphorical equivalent of good in the face of evil)-- I, for one, appreciate this. Life and all it's events mimic an EKG.... the beating heart transfers electrically on paper as rising and falling spikes of varying degrees with a "resting phase" in between (Sorry, it's the RN in me that brings this explanation to mind)--- If an EKG was ALL flat line...the patient is dead. If it was ALL SPIKES---the patient would be in severe arrhythmia and would die without immediate life support measures. This is why th e best novels ebb and flow... They allow the reader to gain balance, get their "sea legs"--and prepare for the next storm on the horizon! (Or, with any luck at all, a clearing sun --and a promise of smooth sailing.)
The dots are slowly connecting. Jesse has reaped what he's sown...
I have gone to the beginning and taken the whole journey to this point, now and I am ever so grateful to you for suggesting that! NOW--this Dwight excuse for a human being... Whew! He'd better prepare!--Fantastic series! You must be eye rolling for all my praise. I don't give it idly... I am very impressed!---Karenina
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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thanks - I never thought of it that way but a lot of the reviewers have said the same thing. Guess I need to be more confident! Smiles, Carol
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The more you write the more you grow... And YOU, my friend, are BLOSOMING BIG TIME!--Karenina
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thanks to you I have found more confidence and with that comes a wicked story, I think.
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Your confidence lies deep within you...
I just had the joy of glimpse my it!
Karenina
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This isn't a humdrum chapter because it's a good place to put a recap and make sure your reader knows and understands everything Beth is going through. All the pieces fit together perfectly.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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This isn't a humdrum chapter because it's a good place to put a recap and make sure your reader knows and understands everything Beth is going through. All the pieces fit together perfectly.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Thanks, Barbara - Most everyone has said it wasn't humdrum. I guess I'm so use to the action but looking back now after the reviews... I can say it was a good chapter for those who started reading late - It helps pull things together. thanks again - Carol
Comment from pome lover
heavens!
will have to try to catch up on what's going on, here. But I can see I have to go a long way back, so it will take a while. Sounds like a teen story - all the ins and outs of friendships, and a drunken, abusive father.
Is this a published book?
By the way, congrats on holding the #3 position as a top ranked author! That's terrific!
Katharine
And thanks for reading my stuff!
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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heavens!
will have to try to catch up on what's going on, here. But I can see I have to go a long way back, so it will take a while. Sounds like a teen story - all the ins and outs of friendships, and a drunken, abusive father.
Is this a published book?
By the way, congrats on holding the #3 position as a top ranked author! That's terrific!
Katharine
And thanks for reading my stuff!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi - I have never published anything but so many have been telling me to do so. After I finish this one I think I will try self publishing a few. Thanks so much for reading and I do hope you get a chance to read more...I believe this is one of my best so far! Smiles and hugs! Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
I didn't find this scene to be humdrum, it contained good transitions and interactions. It allows the interactions to start all bumping into the same person, who will start seeing what the reader might have been privy to seeing in different sections. I was engaged with what was going on, and also still making mental notes of details I am learning along the way.
I enjoyed reading, and as I tend to, I offer up my thoughts as they come, mostly... there were a few places where I paused to wonder about if something said was a little too easily given, and in the first part... I imagined Ric and Ethan having a conversation at the door as Ethan was about to leave... but then, Ethan was suddenly in a chair, and i don't know when he sat.
Thoughts as they came:
Ethan opened his front door to leave{, coming} (and came)? face to face with a man in a suit.
"I'm afraid not. Ty was in an automobile accident last night and is
(So Ty was the drunk, I'm thinking here, and is Ethan's friend.)
There are three bodies in the morgue."
(Wow. The detective is giving a lot of information. I wondered if they would be so forthcoming with this information, but don't know as I'm not one who's had to deal with police.)
Ethan jumped from his chair and started pacing back and forth, running
(When did Ethan sit? he was standing at the door talking to the cop all this time, for me. I didn't get the sense that they moved from the door)
"No, something's not right. I'll get a private investigator and the best
"Can I drop you somewhere? After all, it's my fault you're late." Ric smiled,(.) "Where do you have to go?"
"Come in, Rachel. Have a seat." Bert smiled at the young girl. She remembered how nervous she'd been with Beth at the house.
(?)
"Rachel, have you seen Beth?" {Bert decided to break the ice herself.}
(timing seemed as an afterthought, like it might need to go in front of the dialogue?)
might have contacted you."
(Bert's gentle prodding comes off very natural through here)
An alarm went off in Bert's head. "Who's Ethan?"
(I like connection and flow leading Bert from Maive to Rachel to Ethan)
"He's supposed to be here. (")
Missing quote?
Rachel appeared calmer now that Ethan was here(there).
he might have raped her."
(Poor Beth, the poor girl is having all sorts of unfortunate hitches in life.)
"You both did the right thing, coming to me. {[['ll contact Ric at RPD and get him working on a few things.]] We're going to find her. It's going to be okay." (I'm not sure why she told them this? If you want the reader to know, maybe have it outside the dialogue?)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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I didn't find this scene to be humdrum, it contained good transitions and interactions. It allows the interactions to start all bumping into the same person, who will start seeing what the reader might have been privy to seeing in different sections. I was engaged with what was going on, and also still making mental notes of details I am learning along the way.
I enjoyed reading, and as I tend to, I offer up my thoughts as they come, mostly... there were a few places where I paused to wonder about if something said was a little too easily given, and in the first part... I imagined Ric and Ethan having a conversation at the door as Ethan was about to leave... but then, Ethan was suddenly in a chair, and i don't know when he sat.
Thoughts as they came:
Ethan opened his front door to leave{, coming} (and came)? face to face with a man in a suit.
"I'm afraid not. Ty was in an automobile accident last night and is
(So Ty was the drunk, I'm thinking here, and is Ethan's friend.)
There are three bodies in the morgue."
(Wow. The detective is giving a lot of information. I wondered if they would be so forthcoming with this information, but don't know as I'm not one who's had to deal with police.)
Ethan jumped from his chair and started pacing back and forth, running
(When did Ethan sit? he was standing at the door talking to the cop all this time, for me. I didn't get the sense that they moved from the door)
"No, something's not right. I'll get a private investigator and the best
"Can I drop you somewhere? After all, it's my fault you're late." Ric smiled,(.) "Where do you have to go?"
"Come in, Rachel. Have a seat." Bert smiled at the young girl. She remembered how nervous she'd been with Beth at the house.
(?)
"Rachel, have you seen Beth?" {Bert decided to break the ice herself.}
(timing seemed as an afterthought, like it might need to go in front of the dialogue?)
might have contacted you."
(Bert's gentle prodding comes off very natural through here)
An alarm went off in Bert's head. "Who's Ethan?"
(I like connection and flow leading Bert from Maive to Rachel to Ethan)
"He's supposed to be here. (")
Missing quote?
Rachel appeared calmer now that Ethan was here(there).
he might have raped her."
(Poor Beth, the poor girl is having all sorts of unfortunate hitches in life.)
"You both did the right thing, coming to me. {[['ll contact Ric at RPD and get him working on a few things.]] We're going to find her. It's going to be okay." (I'm not sure why she told them this? If you want the reader to know, maybe have it outside the dialogue?)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Changes made and I am happy you didn't think it was humdrum. I needed to tie the story line together and make connections but was afraid it might not come across right. Thanks - Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Unless someone has been there, people have no idea just how rough the streets can be. If they did, they would be afraid to even walk alone at night. And someone in such a weakened state as Beth, is cat food in a can just waiting to be eaten alive. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Unless someone has been there, people have no idea just how rough the streets can be. If they did, they would be afraid to even walk alone at night. And someone in such a weakened state as Beth, is cat food in a can just waiting to be eaten alive. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi! Yes, Beth is lucky she is still able to walk around. I have to get her to safety soon, but I'm afraid evil is lurking. Smiles - Carol
Comment from royowen
So a very upset and sheepish Rachel, meets Bert, who's concerned to find Beth as soon as possible, Rachel is sorry to have been so off handed with her best, and felt quite lost without Ethan being there with her, but eventually joins them, well done, nicely written, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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So a very upset and sheepish Rachel, meets Bert, who's concerned to find Beth as soon as possible, Rachel is sorry to have been so off handed with her best, and felt quite lost without Ethan being there with her, but eventually joins them, well done, nicely written, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Oh thank you, Roy. I wasn't sure that I showed the emotions I wanted from Rachel, but you got it perfectly. Appreciate your help and the review. Smiles - Carol
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No, you you did fine
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is an excellent chapter, Carol! You've pulled it all together perfectly and now we no there is at least a little hope for Beth. I wish I had six stars for you.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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This is an excellent chapter, Carol! You've pulled it all together perfectly and now we no there is at least a little hope for Beth. I wish I had six stars for you.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Oh, thank you Judy. I appreciate the thoughts and the fact you are enjoying the story. I'm about to start rocking the boat again. LOL Smiles, Carol
