The Cost of Conversation
Emily makes a decision.7 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
This was a most creative story, one that held my interest all the way through. You have a talent for creating scenes and characters that are easy to see and care about. I think a more careful editing before posting would be helpful, though mostly there were no serious problems. Your story is truly imaginative and well told.
Following are a few editing suggestions. I hope this is helpful.
***The ladies, themselves, looked just as shock. (shocked)
***feeling her hearing was loss (lost) or Victoria went berserk.
*** She (might have) dropped to the floor if it hadn't been for the chair behind her
***Fiery (Fire) was in Emily's eyes, (knowing) that (leave out 'that')
***sold it without her knowledge (had been sold without her knowledge)
***She opened the envelope after reading (the) returned (return) address
There are a few more but I'm not sure you want this kind of input so I will wait to be asked, if you do.
I very much enjoyed the story and these minor issues were not really very distracting from the suspense and drama of your well-conceived story. Thanks for sharing. MM
reply by the author on 01-May-2021
  |
This was a most creative story, one that held my interest all the way through. You have a talent for creating scenes and characters that are easy to see and care about. I think a more careful editing before posting would be helpful, though mostly there were no serious problems. Your story is truly imaginative and well told.
Following are a few editing suggestions. I hope this is helpful.
***The ladies, themselves, looked just as shock. (shocked)
***feeling her hearing was loss (lost) or Victoria went berserk.
*** She (might have) dropped to the floor if it hadn't been for the chair behind her
***Fiery (Fire) was in Emily's eyes, (knowing) that (leave out 'that')
***sold it without her knowledge (had been sold without her knowledge)
***She opened the envelope after reading (the) returned (return) address
There are a few more but I'm not sure you want this kind of input so I will wait to be asked, if you do.
I very much enjoyed the story and these minor issues were not really very distracting from the suspense and drama of your well-conceived story. Thanks for sharing. MM
Comment Written 30-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 01-May-2021
-
It is such a pleasure to receive a review that you wrote. I am also very grateful for any help that will improve my writing. Thank you.
Comment from Sharon Davis
This story is thought-provoking, and conveys a powerful message, impacting a number of issues. First, it could be seen as a perspective on the length people will go to gain financial reward. However, it can also be read as a commentary on how important it is to ensure one honour one's obligations and debt, and revealing the corresponding sacrifices one may make to ensure that those obligations are addressed. Finally, it can be viewed as a tale of philosophical enlightenment and the acknowledgement of how too much talk, prevents one from listening, and creates superficial relationships, at best. A very enjoyable read. Well composed and effectively presented.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
 |
This story is thought-provoking, and conveys a powerful message, impacting a number of issues. First, it could be seen as a perspective on the length people will go to gain financial reward. However, it can also be read as a commentary on how important it is to ensure one honour one's obligations and debt, and revealing the corresponding sacrifices one may make to ensure that those obligations are addressed. Finally, it can be viewed as a tale of philosophical enlightenment and the acknowledgement of how too much talk, prevents one from listening, and creates superficial relationships, at best. A very enjoyable read. Well composed and effectively presented.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for those kind words and those 6-star review that made my day. It meant alot.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Captivating! Stunning ending--I'd thought he was cutting her tongue out--at least she can taste.
Many misusages, as indicated in CAPS:
A frail lady in her mid-sixties, Emily liked to cook, enjoyed making quilts, delighted IN bird watching, and WAS remarkably fond of the art of conversation.
It WAS ignored BY some ladies and infuriated one.
She carried a plate of [OMIT: homemade] apple slices
but Mrs. Davis [refuted such a desire=>HAD NO INTEREST].
She also enjoyed [expressing=>FLAUNTING] her flourishing fortune to everyone she met.
Emily [reputed=>REJECTED] the bet
However, this letter implied no extraordinary accomplishments that would [enlighten=>ENTICE] anyone
REWORD SUGG:
She already received the news, a week before, that her departed husband sold, without her knowledge, land he'd acquired, and applied those funds to pay-off a gambling debt, which she never knew he accumulated.
With the heavy pounding in her heart and the hammering in her head, poor, frail Emily had to discover a [resolution=>SOLUTION]. Her mind was dense as a London fog until the [midst=>MIST] lifted and in her head, she saw the image of Victoria Davis. She smiled melancholy=>MELANCHOLICALLY],
SUGG REWORD:
SHE MADE a harsh decision, but one she must tolerate because of her love for Nancy.
[riffle=>RIPPLE] of laughter from the ladies in the room.
A surge of adrenalin traveled through Emily's body, enough that made her teeth [clenched=>CLENCH], and SHE HAD the urge to pick up the spoon [laying=>LYING] on the table and [shoving=>SHOVE] it down Mrs. Davis' throat.
With all eyes upon Emily, she took [OMIT: inhaled] a deep breath and let it [escaped=>ESCAPE] before the words spilled from her quavering lips.
"It is now," Victoria smirked. "If YOU WON'T ABIDE BY my ruling [OMIT: won't exist], then I shall call the whole proposition off."
"NO!" Emily barked, fearing the great loss that [will=>WOULD] happen to her sister's care.
turned the pages, her eyes WERE nearly torn from her sockets as her cheek blushed with fury.
Emily's watery eyes settled on the table where two pens and a pad of paper [laid=>LAY].
[dollar's=>DOLLAR] signs in their heads, praying that one word would roll off her tongue.
All were safe, but the incident made Emily [OMIT: to] wonder.
After a few hours of haggling, Hank, [somewhat adversative=>THOUGH AVERSE] to Emily's wish, finally agreed.
Emily smiled. She knew many would [redeem=>DEEM] her reason as ludicrous,
by extracting [OMIT: out] my vocal cords.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
|
Captivating! Stunning ending--I'd thought he was cutting her tongue out--at least she can taste.
Many misusages, as indicated in CAPS:
A frail lady in her mid-sixties, Emily liked to cook, enjoyed making quilts, delighted IN bird watching, and WAS remarkably fond of the art of conversation.
It WAS ignored BY some ladies and infuriated one.
She carried a plate of [OMIT: homemade] apple slices
but Mrs. Davis [refuted such a desire=>HAD NO INTEREST].
She also enjoyed [expressing=>FLAUNTING] her flourishing fortune to everyone she met.
Emily [reputed=>REJECTED] the bet
However, this letter implied no extraordinary accomplishments that would [enlighten=>ENTICE] anyone
REWORD SUGG:
She already received the news, a week before, that her departed husband sold, without her knowledge, land he'd acquired, and applied those funds to pay-off a gambling debt, which she never knew he accumulated.
With the heavy pounding in her heart and the hammering in her head, poor, frail Emily had to discover a [resolution=>SOLUTION]. Her mind was dense as a London fog until the [midst=>MIST] lifted and in her head, she saw the image of Victoria Davis. She smiled melancholy=>MELANCHOLICALLY],
SUGG REWORD:
SHE MADE a harsh decision, but one she must tolerate because of her love for Nancy.
[riffle=>RIPPLE] of laughter from the ladies in the room.
A surge of adrenalin traveled through Emily's body, enough that made her teeth [clenched=>CLENCH], and SHE HAD the urge to pick up the spoon [laying=>LYING] on the table and [shoving=>SHOVE] it down Mrs. Davis' throat.
With all eyes upon Emily, she took [OMIT: inhaled] a deep breath and let it [escaped=>ESCAPE] before the words spilled from her quavering lips.
"It is now," Victoria smirked. "If YOU WON'T ABIDE BY my ruling [OMIT: won't exist], then I shall call the whole proposition off."
"NO!" Emily barked, fearing the great loss that [will=>WOULD] happen to her sister's care.
turned the pages, her eyes WERE nearly torn from her sockets as her cheek blushed with fury.
Emily's watery eyes settled on the table where two pens and a pad of paper [laid=>LAY].
[dollar's=>DOLLAR] signs in their heads, praying that one word would roll off her tongue.
All were safe, but the incident made Emily [OMIT: to] wonder.
After a few hours of haggling, Hank, [somewhat adversative=>THOUGH AVERSE] to Emily's wish, finally agreed.
Emily smiled. She knew many would [redeem=>DEEM] her reason as ludicrous,
by extracting [OMIT: out] my vocal cords.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for the review and the help in editing. I do you use a
editing software, but evidently missed a lot. Again, thank you.
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is an interesting story. You've done well at creating your characters and developing the plot.
My suggestion is that you read and edit it a few times more. It's really long, which is one reason you're not getting too many reviews. Like most written first drafts, there are things that are repeated, or not particularly relevant to the story. If you can identify them and cut them out, you'll have a much more powerful story that will be easier to read.
Hope you find this helpful.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
|
This is an interesting story. You've done well at creating your characters and developing the plot.
My suggestion is that you read and edit it a few times more. It's really long, which is one reason you're not getting too many reviews. Like most written first drafts, there are things that are repeated, or not particularly relevant to the story. If you can identify them and cut them out, you'll have a much more powerful story that will be easier to read.
Hope you find this helpful.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your suggestion. I wonder why I had so little readers.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was excellent. You buildup so well to Mrs. Victoria Davis outburst at her. It was quite a shock despite that. The story was very easy to read. You do a great job with the suspense and buildup. And I found this to be a pleasure to read.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
|
I thought this was excellent. You buildup so well to Mrs. Victoria Davis outburst at her. It was quite a shock despite that. The story was very easy to read. You do a great job with the suspense and buildup. And I found this to be a pleasure to read.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
-
THANK YOU
Comment from Ozymandias504
Where to begin? This is plagiarized form an episode of The Twilight Zone where an obnoxious member of a Men's Club annoys another member so much that he bets him a large sum of money to not speak for a year. To win, the man has his tongue cut out but to make that more compelling, it turns out the man offering the bet doesn't have the funds to pay him off.
So for starters, the story is unoriginal. Then is becomes absurd. I want to see the Professor and Judge that earns enough to buy a Hawaiian Island. George Harrison lived in Hawaii but even he didn't own an island.
And the writing is stilted, tries to shoehorn inappropriately verbose language that is supposed to imply clever writing and ultimately comes off like some mish mash of ladies fiction from the 1800's taking place in a world where Brad Pitt exists.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
 |
Where to begin? This is plagiarized form an episode of The Twilight Zone where an obnoxious member of a Men's Club annoys another member so much that he bets him a large sum of money to not speak for a year. To win, the man has his tongue cut out but to make that more compelling, it turns out the man offering the bet doesn't have the funds to pay him off.
So for starters, the story is unoriginal. Then is becomes absurd. I want to see the Professor and Judge that earns enough to buy a Hawaiian Island. George Harrison lived in Hawaii but even he didn't own an island.
And the writing is stilted, tries to shoehorn inappropriately verbose language that is supposed to imply clever writing and ultimately comes off like some mish mash of ladies fiction from the 1800's taking place in a world where Brad Pitt exists.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
-
It' s fiction
-
And fiction can't be plagiarized? If I take Great Expectations and call it Big Expectations with the very same story - guess what? I stole it. Plain and simple.
-
Thank you for your kind words
Comment from Mastery
Hi Tom This is excellent writing. Your storyline is engaging and keep the reader involved. That is important when I do the reading. A surprise ending is always a good tool and for me , at least , this was just that.
Your use of simile is great here:"Words will spill from her mouth like water from a leaky faucet."
And your imagery is spot on, Tom: "Lifting her double chin, Mrs. Davis gave a hearty laughter"
Tom, I suggest you use more pronouns like "she" alternately with the proper name "Emily" however for better reading and variety.
Also, if I may suggest you avoid the use of the word "would" in your telling, like here for instance: "Each Friday, they would play a game of bridge." try instead. " "Each Friday, they played play a game of bridge."
(see the difference, Tom?)
And I think you left a word out here: " Emily felt her tongue was paralyzed, unable to form words as anger sizzled (felt like)
Bravo! good job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
|
Hi Tom This is excellent writing. Your storyline is engaging and keep the reader involved. That is important when I do the reading. A surprise ending is always a good tool and for me , at least , this was just that.
Your use of simile is great here:"Words will spill from her mouth like water from a leaky faucet."
And your imagery is spot on, Tom: "Lifting her double chin, Mrs. Davis gave a hearty laughter"
Tom, I suggest you use more pronouns like "she" alternately with the proper name "Emily" however for better reading and variety.
Also, if I may suggest you avoid the use of the word "would" in your telling, like here for instance: "Each Friday, they would play a game of bridge." try instead. " "Each Friday, they played play a game of bridge."
(see the difference, Tom?)
And I think you left a word out here: " Emily felt her tongue was paralyzed, unable to form words as anger sizzled (felt like)
Bravo! good job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 15-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your advice and your review. I appreciate your help.
