On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "On the Edge of Deception - Pg. 8"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
15 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Wow! This is really powerful stuff. That rape scene kept me on the edge of my seat. I do seem to want a better physical description of Jesse. I can't picture any of the boys. For some reason, probably due to external events, you seem to have slipped into using a lot of present participles where they seem not to belong. I'm not sure if they are "dangling," but they feel out of place. See notes below:
"Last Chance, -- I don't think this needs quotes, or anything else.
A late-night after the bar closed, -- i don't think you need a hyphen, and might want to add "a late night of work after . . ."
"He couldn't have much of a man." -- missing "been"
He picked up the slice of cold pizza, ripping off a chunk with his teeth. -- "and ripped off a chunk . . . "
Spitting into the napkin, he took huge gulps of the Coke, attempting to wash the disgusting flavor of dead fish out of his mouth. -- "He spit into the napkin and . . ."
Digging in his jean pocket for a stick of gum, he unwrapped it -- "He dug into his jeanS pocket . . . gum and unwrapped . . ."
thought of the imminent possibility he would forcibly rape her. -- "possibility that he would"
His six-foot 5-inch muscular frame -- spell out five, comma after foot
Decision made, her free hand grabbed the can, aimed it, spraying it directly at Jesse's face. -- I think this sentence needs rewriting and may need a couple to replace it. Seems awkward.
His response was brutal, viciously striking the side of Beth's head. -- this just doesn't seem right to the ear. -- "His response was brutal -- a viscous strike to the side. . . . " ???
Satisfied, Jesse rolled over on the bed, zipping his jeans. -- and zipped his jeans.
beautiful ever afters -- ever-afters ???
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Wow! This is really powerful stuff. That rape scene kept me on the edge of my seat. I do seem to want a better physical description of Jesse. I can't picture any of the boys. For some reason, probably due to external events, you seem to have slipped into using a lot of present participles where they seem not to belong. I'm not sure if they are "dangling," but they feel out of place. See notes below:
"Last Chance, -- I don't think this needs quotes, or anything else.
A late-night after the bar closed, -- i don't think you need a hyphen, and might want to add "a late night of work after . . ."
"He couldn't have much of a man." -- missing "been"
He picked up the slice of cold pizza, ripping off a chunk with his teeth. -- "and ripped off a chunk . . . "
Spitting into the napkin, he took huge gulps of the Coke, attempting to wash the disgusting flavor of dead fish out of his mouth. -- "He spit into the napkin and . . ."
Digging in his jean pocket for a stick of gum, he unwrapped it -- "He dug into his jeanS pocket . . . gum and unwrapped . . ."
thought of the imminent possibility he would forcibly rape her. -- "possibility that he would"
His six-foot 5-inch muscular frame -- spell out five, comma after foot
Decision made, her free hand grabbed the can, aimed it, spraying it directly at Jesse's face. -- I think this sentence needs rewriting and may need a couple to replace it. Seems awkward.
His response was brutal, viciously striking the side of Beth's head. -- this just doesn't seem right to the ear. -- "His response was brutal -- a viscous strike to the side. . . . " ???
Satisfied, Jesse rolled over on the bed, zipping his jeans. -- and zipped his jeans.
beautiful ever afters -- ever-afters ???
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Well, I guess I was so focused on getting through the rape that I forgot how to write...thank heavens you are here to straighten me out. I appreciate your help and I am more than thrilled to be past this part of the story. It was essential to the story, but it's not my style of writing. Yeah, I need to get into more details of the guys...I will work on that too. Smiles - Carol (Corrections made!)
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I sometimes get carried away in the story and forget the writing. I usually self-edit about 10-12 times, even for a letter to the editor. :-)
Comment from royowen
I hate the sound of rape, it speaks of the most base and contemptible piece of what men can be, I'm not sure I understand the sort of lust thst overtakes men, I would think they deserve what they get from the law, unfortunately the law can work against women in this way. Beautifully but sadly written, blessings Roy
Typo : Gave your daddy what('s) for.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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I hate the sound of rape, it speaks of the most base and contemptible piece of what men can be, I'm not sure I understand the sort of lust thst overtakes men, I would think they deserve what they get from the law, unfortunately the law can work against women in this way. Beautifully but sadly written, blessings Roy
Typo : Gave your daddy what('s) for.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Hi, Roy! I hated writing this scene. I didn't want it to be vulgar, but it was an important part to the story. I'm glad it is behind me and I can move forward. Thanks for the kind words and your review. Smiles, Carol
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Brave girl.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, you've really built up the suspense and terrible outcome in this one, Carol, and left us afraid for Beth who is unwittingly following Jesse to the park. Sorry I've used all of my six stars.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Wow, you've really built up the suspense and terrible outcome in this one, Carol, and left us afraid for Beth who is unwittingly following Jesse to the park. Sorry I've used all of my six stars.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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What - you didn't save your stars??? Just teasing you, of course. I am thrilled that you enjoyed the story. It was a difficult chapter for me to write. I didn't want it vulgar, but because it is an important factor in the story I had to make it believable. Appreciate your review. Smiles to you as always, Carol
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I'm terrible at using up all my sixes within the first day or two, without even realizing it! There's just so much excellent writing showing up these days.
Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly
No need to worry,it was just right. It was a good ploy to have her unconscious through most of it. One little point if I may? There is a line "Unaware to her the sunlight made her" which made me hesitate a little. Would you consider changing that to "She was unaware the sunlight made" or something like that.
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reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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No need to worry,it was just right. It was a good ploy to have her unconscious through most of it. One little point if I may? There is a line "Unaware to her the sunlight made her" which made me hesitate a little. Would you consider changing that to "She was unaware the sunlight made" or something like that.
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Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Fixed it and discovered I did the dangling prepositions throughout...must have lost my mind with the whole rape thing. It's fixed and I thank you. Smiles and all that stuff, Carol
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Okay, I cannot get my head around your casual use of the "R" word. You are so ladylike it is simply odd teee heee!
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Don't be making fun of me....I can hold my own if I have to... after all, I was married once to an Italian... what a mouth!!!
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I will try and get used to the wordly you :)
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I just got told that someone couldn't read my stories because I was too violent. Poor me!
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Oh Heck, but don't worry, there will always be someone who complains, you cannot please everyone. Does this person realise that Art reflects Life, we write what we see and experience. Their loss my dear.
Comment from eliz100
This is another great installment. It flowed well from beginning to end. I like the hook at the end. It wants me to keep reading. I thought I already reviewed this but the review section was blank.
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reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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This is another great installment. It flowed well from beginning to end. I like the hook at the end. It wants me to keep reading. I thought I already reviewed this but the review section was blank.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Hi! Nope, I just posted it a few minutes ago. And you are the first!!! It was difficult because the rape is a vital element to the story, but I didn't want to glamorize or give it much hype. I hope it came across okay for the average reader. Thanks so much for your valued input. Smiles - Carol
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So far the rape is handled well by the average reader.
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Nothing average about you, my friend. Thank you and many smiles! Carol
