Tanka (Darkness)
Good Friday18 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
Beautiful Tanka. Lovely image of the pathway of light opening to all. Excellent job of presenting going from darkness to light. With new knowledge brings enlightenment. If this were for a contest, it probably wouldn't matter to the judges, but I feel that you might get more mileage out of using action verbs instead of was. Lovely artwork. judi
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Beautiful Tanka. Lovely image of the pathway of light opening to all. Excellent job of presenting going from darkness to light. With new knowledge brings enlightenment. If this were for a contest, it probably wouldn't matter to the judges, but I feel that you might get more mileage out of using action verbs instead of was. Lovely artwork. judi
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Thank you Judi! I liked your suggestion of changing the tense and have done so! Hugs, my friend, and have a lovely Easter Sunday!!
Melissa
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You're welcome. I took a look and do like the present tense better. judi
Comment from Janice Canerdy
Your profoundly spiritual tanka is skillfully written and vividly descriptive of the dramatic changes in nature occurring at the time of the Lord's sacrifice.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Your profoundly spiritual tanka is skillfully written and vividly descriptive of the dramatic changes in nature occurring at the time of the Lord's sacrifice.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Thank you Janice! Hugs, my friend, and have a lovely Easter Sunday!!
Melissa
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a 5-7-5-7-7 covering the events of the crucifixion and those occurring around it, whi I think was your aim at this important time for Christian believers. Apart from its adherence to a set syllable count, the remainder of its structure bears little resemblance to that of a traditional tanka.
If the word tanka were removed from the title I would have no objection to it at all , so I will not be deducting stars from a commemorative Easter poem.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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This is a 5-7-5-7-7 covering the events of the crucifixion and those occurring around it, whi I think was your aim at this important time for Christian believers. Apart from its adherence to a set syllable count, the remainder of its structure bears little resemblance to that of a traditional tanka.
If the word tanka were removed from the title I would have no objection to it at all , so I will not be deducting stars from a commemorative Easter poem.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Thanks Jim!! I have tweaked it a bit since you read it.
Melissa
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So I see.
Comment from Chris Fruge
This worked out really nice! I may just offer one idea more (again just my opinion on how Iâ??m reading it), perhaps consider adding a semicolon after the word changed or replace â??the veil wasâ?? with something like â?? when the veil lifted..â?? it would still take a little word smithing in the next line but it maintains a sequence of timing, if that makes sense.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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This worked out really nice! I may just offer one idea more (again just my opinion on how Iâ??m reading it), perhaps consider adding a semicolon after the word changed or replace â??the veil wasâ?? with something like â?? when the veil lifted..â?? it would still take a little word smithing in the next line but it maintains a sequence of timing, if that makes sense.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Thank you Chris. your views are spot on and I will go back and see what I can do. Much appreciated!
Melissa
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Ok Chris... I changed it. Thank you again.
Melissa
Comment from Mark D. R.
Melissa,
You created a perfect commentary for this Good Friday.
You may want to change your punctuation before your middle line and end the same with a period. As written, I am unsure of whether it is a break between the first two lines and the last two, or a continuation of the first two. If it is meant to be a distinct break, maybe italicizing or capping would began alternative.
Hope you find the golden egg on Sunday. Of course, if you don't look, you can't find (-;
Mark
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Melissa,
You created a perfect commentary for this Good Friday.
You may want to change your punctuation before your middle line and end the same with a period. As written, I am unsure of whether it is a break between the first two lines and the last two, or a continuation of the first two. If it is meant to be a distinct break, maybe italicizing or capping would began alternative.
Hope you find the golden egg on Sunday. Of course, if you don't look, you can't find (-;
Mark
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Thanks much, Mark. I will go and take another look.
Melissa
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A sweet faithful sentiment here Melissa and this is a fine Easter poem giving us all hope at a difficult time in all our lives, much enjoyed, and Happy Easter to you, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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A sweet faithful sentiment here Melissa and this is a fine Easter poem giving us all hope at a difficult time in all our lives, much enjoyed, and Happy Easter to you, love Dolly x
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Thank you Dolly. I wanted to share the message that Good Friday brings. :)
Melissa
Comment from lyenochka
Amen! Super tanka form for the wonderful message of spiritual truth! Your give us a striking pivotal line of "a new world order." Then you show us what that new world order is full of Hope in Jesus! Happy Easter!
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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Amen! Super tanka form for the wonderful message of spiritual truth! Your give us a striking pivotal line of "a new world order." Then you show us what that new world order is full of Hope in Jesus! Happy Easter!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Thank you Helen. I wanted to share the message that Good Friday means!
Melissa
Comment from royowen
Ist it funny? Perfection exchanged itself for imperfection, every malady known to man, and even unseen were completely and utterly satisfied at the cross, my debt was "paid in full" beautifully written, good luck, blessings Roy
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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Ist it funny? Perfection exchanged itself for imperfection, every malady known to man, and even unseen were completely and utterly satisfied at the cross, my debt was "paid in full" beautifully written, good luck, blessings Roy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Hello Roy. I wanted to share the message that Good Friday brings. :). Thank you.
Melissa
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Well done Melissa
