On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "On the Edge of Deception - Rev 6"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
17 total reviews
Comment from karenina
The clicking sound you here is all the pieces falling into place for me...
Finally I'm deep enough into my catching up I can relax and take a breath! (My husband might get dinner tonight after all!) Love the introduction of Hank into the story...and oh so sly to have Ethan lurking just away from the News Conference...taking it all in. Much as I want to click right on to the next installment I will tear myself away. (This is how it is for me when I'm reading a good book after going to bed and I spy the clock as it masses midnight, 1AM, 2AM.... )
Spot on writing you top ranked author you!
Karenina
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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The clicking sound you here is all the pieces falling into place for me...
Finally I'm deep enough into my catching up I can relax and take a breath! (My husband might get dinner tonight after all!) Love the introduction of Hank into the story...and oh so sly to have Ethan lurking just away from the News Conference...taking it all in. Much as I want to click right on to the next installment I will tear myself away. (This is how it is for me when I'm reading a good book after going to bed and I spy the clock as it masses midnight, 1AM, 2AM.... )
Spot on writing you top ranked author you!
Karenina
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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Hurry to your family and their dinner. Because the next chapter will blow you away for real. Thanks so much and I can't wait for you to continue. Smiles - Carol
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
So Ethan was there watching the press conference and surely noting the lies that Beth's father said about her just walking away. With what he has seen of her, he knows that didn't happen. So, the truth will air.
Ralf
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2021
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So Ethan was there watching the press conference and surely noting the lies that Beth's father said about her just walking away. With what he has seen of her, he knows that didn't happen. So, the truth will air.
Ralf
Comment Written 07-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2021
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Yes, it will but will Beth stick around long enough. she's terrified, not trusting anyone, and on the run. Smiles to you!
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Another professional-quality piece. Masterful writing on all scores--narration, character development, vivid imagery, snappy dialog, stupendous all-around!
Bloodhound is one word
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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Another professional-quality piece. Masterful writing on all scores--narration, character development, vivid imagery, snappy dialog, stupendous all-around!
Bloodhound is one word
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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I'm so glad that you are enjoying the story - it keeps growing in my mind and I just want to get it all down. Thanks for the encouragement and the help. Smiles!
Comment from Carol Clark2
Another well-written page in the story. I'm glad Hank is on the case, and I like the way there was an unidentified young man standing off to the side. Good detail. Looking forward to the next segment. Blessings. Carol
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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Another well-written page in the story. I'm glad Hank is on the case, and I like the way there was an unidentified young man standing off to the side. Good detail. Looking forward to the next segment. Blessings. Carol
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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Good morning, Carol. Glad to see you are still on the case with me. LOL and I am thrilled you are enjoying it. Thanks for the review and your kindness. Smiles! Carol
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You're most welcome. Smiles to you also.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Begin Again as you see I started when
the Press Conference gets good -
On the Edge of Deception - Pg. 6
This is the first time that I have read your story
I like the dialogue of each of your chacters.
As keep reading your story; I will know each of them.
Gert
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Hello Begin Again as you see I started when
the Press Conference gets good -
On the Edge of Deception - Pg. 6
This is the first time that I have read your story
I like the dialogue of each of your chacters.
As keep reading your story; I will know each of them.
Gert
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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thank Gert - Glad you decided to try us out. It's wild. I think Pg 5 (the beginning of the press conference) still is listed with $$$ if you are interested. Thanks for enjoying and commenting. Carol
Comment from BethShelby
So the guy who rescued Beth came to the press conference. I wonder if Beth has been able to tell him what happened to her that made her run away. I may have mixed this up with something else but I though got fired from his job was the reason he got so violent. Rotello Trucking's $5000. doesn't sound like they are upset with. He's a pretty good actor for drunk
Looking forward to more..
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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So the guy who rescued Beth came to the press conference. I wonder if Beth has been able to tell him what happened to her that made her run away. I may have mixed this up with something else but I though got fired from his job was the reason he got so violent. Rotello Trucking's $5000. doesn't sound like they are upset with. He's a pretty good actor for drunk
Looking forward to more..
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Rotello Trucking is the truck that hit their car and killed the mom. Dwight got fired but not from that company.
Thanks for the review Beth. I appreciate it. Smiles, Carol
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Hmmm... anyone who would kill his daughter's dog is in big trouble with me. You need to be sure you never reveal this dude's address because I'll be all over him. Grrrr....
Good chapter - though I might have found some continuity issues - you'll have to see for yourself below.
Notes:
1.) his nurse moved the wheelchair a bit further away from the podium,
--> 'farther' for distances
2.) Culbertson. I believe there's more to that accident
--> wait a minute - are you talking about the accident where the mom DIED? You can't just toss a bomb like that out here like this. You need to give it a proper setting and plenty of space to develop. Make sure we all know what you're talking about. Pick into it a little. Don't just drop it and walk off. NO WAY!
3.) He brought me some of his old case files this morning.
--> what kind of case files? If he completed all his crime mystery deals flickies then what files would he still have?
--> BESIDES any old files he had - wouldn't he have left them with the office when he retired?
4.) "Great memory for a retired, old man." Bert's eyes sparkled as she teased her old friend.
--> 'old' x2
Okay - I'm hooked. Let's get this party going! Thanks!
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Carol,
Hmmm... anyone who would kill his daughter's dog is in big trouble with me. You need to be sure you never reveal this dude's address because I'll be all over him. Grrrr....
Good chapter - though I might have found some continuity issues - you'll have to see for yourself below.
Notes:
1.) his nurse moved the wheelchair a bit further away from the podium,
--> 'farther' for distances
2.) Culbertson. I believe there's more to that accident
--> wait a minute - are you talking about the accident where the mom DIED? You can't just toss a bomb like that out here like this. You need to give it a proper setting and plenty of space to develop. Make sure we all know what you're talking about. Pick into it a little. Don't just drop it and walk off. NO WAY!
3.) He brought me some of his old case files this morning.
--> what kind of case files? If he completed all his crime mystery deals flickies then what files would he still have?
--> BESIDES any old files he had - wouldn't he have left them with the office when he retired?
4.) "Great memory for a retired, old man." Bert's eyes sparkled as she teased her old friend.
--> 'old' x2
Okay - I'm hooked. Let's get this party going! Thanks!
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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3.In the story Cold Case, he kept folders on all his cases (his own copies), and when he left the office, he took them with him. I was referring to notes, special things he thought about the case...not the actual files.
2. In other chapters, I have talked about the accident. It was their fault, and they both were thrown through the front window. She died, and he survived, but they were both intoxicated. The reason there is a caseworker is because they have suspicions; they don't have proof. Also, it indicates that Beth knows who was driving, but the fear of her father and losing any family stops her from telling.
Appreciate your input, and I've made the adjustments to the errors. I'm glad you enjoyed it so far, and I hope you will continue to do so.
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I have been enjoying this a lot. I hope you don't mind my notes. Someone seemed to get ill with me today and I'm just signing off - I'm exhausted and frustrated. Hugs-
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No of course not - I learn from everyone's comments - except when I get several people pulling me in different directions - that's when I want to sign off too! LOL Hope you have a better day!
Comment from Mastery
Hi Carol. Two big things I haven't been addressed before and this might be a good time. Number one:
Always. always, have a good opening hook for your chapters. For instance in this one you might use the following: "After suffering the consequences of a physical beating from her father, with a belt, Beth Culbertson decides she will not take anymore abuse and runs away. (Start with this part which you already have in different form and build all the rest of the text around this all-important "hook."
This is to draw your reader in. (Same thing at the end of a chapter to keep them coming back)
And never have a long drawn out opening like you have here, in any case. Bust this opening paragraph up into three or four paragraphs to ensure your readers will stay with you. Long paragraphs make them sleepy. LOL
Next: Your list of characters is way too long. the only characters to be listed here are the "skeleton" or main characters. Just because Joe Blow makes an appearance or says something he need not necessarily be in your list of characters. To the reader the longer it is the more overwhelming it appears. (Make sense?) Bob
I didn't get into anymore of it this time. but if you continue to use these little tidbits of mine, I should not have to do them again. Right? LOL Best wishes, your friend, Bob
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Hi Carol. Two big things I haven't been addressed before and this might be a good time. Number one:
Always. always, have a good opening hook for your chapters. For instance in this one you might use the following: "After suffering the consequences of a physical beating from her father, with a belt, Beth Culbertson decides she will not take anymore abuse and runs away. (Start with this part which you already have in different form and build all the rest of the text around this all-important "hook."
This is to draw your reader in. (Same thing at the end of a chapter to keep them coming back)
And never have a long drawn out opening like you have here, in any case. Bust this opening paragraph up into three or four paragraphs to ensure your readers will stay with you. Long paragraphs make them sleepy. LOL
Next: Your list of characters is way too long. the only characters to be listed here are the "skeleton" or main characters. Just because Joe Blow makes an appearance or says something he need not necessarily be in your list of characters. To the reader the longer it is the more overwhelming it appears. (Make sense?) Bob
I didn't get into anymore of it this time. but if you continue to use these little tidbits of mine, I should not have to do them again. Right? LOL Best wishes, your friend, Bob
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Taking me to task, huh? That's okay - I hope I can learn from it. My problem with this one is that it is the continuation of the press conference in Chap 5. Are you telling me not to put the summary there and just simplify it. I know in a normal book, it wouldn't be there, but the readers tell me I need it because they can't follow. should I just skip the summary? No problem on the list of characters - I understand that. So I should use your chosen sentence about Beth as the summary? And then start the new chapter from there. I'm sorry if that's not what you are referring to. Thanks - Carol
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When I'm writing, Carol, I always do it with the end goal in mind not necessarily to please Fanstory members. Yes, use that sentence as a "hook" but doing background only "spoils" it and makes it seem unprofessional in my opinion. ALWAYSN USE A HOOK. Usually, here on FS, once someone is following the story they don't need any reminders except the character list which you have to update from time to time. I have used this system with all five of my novels and never regretted it. I think this also exudes confidence by the writer that fans are reading it already. I have many people that go and catch up as far into the book as eight chapters.
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Thank you - I berate myself for allowing people to tell me to change something (even storylines), especially when they aren't actually faithfully following. I will take your advice (like always) and follow it and my own conscience. Smiles!
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Good for you, Carol. btw.. If ever my things do not work let me know right away. But DO NOT listen to everybody...you will get confused and mad. LOL Bob
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You are so right! That's exactly where I was coming from - frustrated and losing confidence. Thanks - Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
I think you're giving a few other mystery writers here a run for their money, Carol! This is excellent writing and some of your descriptive phrasing is so perfect, like "His white cowboy hat was whipping cream on a tempting piece of dessert." I'll have to remember that one!
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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I think you're giving a few other mystery writers here a run for their money, Carol! This is excellent writing and some of your descriptive phrasing is so perfect, like "His white cowboy hat was whipping cream on a tempting piece of dessert." I'll have to remember that one!
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Oh, Judy, your awesome and great for my ego. When I first returned to writing, I really feared I couldn't do it again. During the last two months, I felt stronger, but not confident. This story, for whatever reason, has me spinning the game plan around and around constantly. I love being descriptive, though a few have thought I could lose the words. It's me and when I find someone who feels the same as I do when they read - I can't ask for anything better. i believe if I can get my thoughts on paper the way I want to, this definitely might be my best. Your encouragement and the shiny stars are more than I could ask for. Thank you so much! Doesn't sound like it's enough, but it's all that I have. Thank you so much for saying those words in your review. From the bottom of my heart, I send you all my ((Hugs)) and smiles - Carol
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You are most welcome, Carol.
Comment from Susan Newell
Wonderful. I want more, more, more. Hank is going to be fun, and I don't know what you have in mind for Rotello. Just a couple notes:
Nathan Rotello description is awesome!
"Yeah, Hank and I were discussing it the same thing." -- this sentence needs fixing.
They waved goodbye and worked their -- no clear antecedent. Best to identify who walked away.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Wonderful. I want more, more, more. Hank is going to be fun, and I don't know what you have in mind for Rotello. Just a couple notes:
Nathan Rotello description is awesome!
"Yeah, Hank and I were discussing it the same thing." -- this sentence needs fixing.
They waved goodbye and worked their -- no clear antecedent. Best to identify who walked away.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Fixed - I put "the lovebirds" and at the end it says toward Ric's car.
and I removed the word it
I'm not positive about Rotello yet. He has a son (in my mind) and one of them is going to end up a bad guy I think. I'm leaning toward the son - Nathan is just trying to be a good guy and help (not knowing the full story). Guess we'll see where it takes us.
Smiles - Crol
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Sometimes the stories write themselves as characters take shape. I can't wait for the next installment.
