On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "On The Edge of Deception - Rev 3"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
14 total reviews
Comment from karenina
I intended to go back and read chapters one and two only, for now...in order to answer my questions about what is happening to Beth as of her brief stay at the woman's shelter (many chapters ahead!)--But, I'm addicted and will delay dinner prep as long as I can to devour these earliest chapters. Drat computers that fail me! Holy cow! This is so well written... I know because I have dark thoughts about what I'd like to do to Dwight and that devil on his shoulder, Nancy!--Karenina
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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I intended to go back and read chapters one and two only, for now...in order to answer my questions about what is happening to Beth as of her brief stay at the woman's shelter (many chapters ahead!)--But, I'm addicted and will delay dinner prep as long as I can to devour these earliest chapters. Drat computers that fail me! Holy cow! This is so well written... I know because I have dark thoughts about what I'd like to do to Dwight and that devil on his shoulder, Nancy!--Karenina
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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Karenina -- I'm write there with you! But later on, he will get his but for now he gets a free ride and his daughter roams the streets, hiding. Smiles to you- Carol
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Okay so stew is off the menu... right after I read this I thought maybe tuna sandwiches and soup! Oooops. NO Mayo! OH who needs to eat anyway!
You've got my back if my hungry hungry husband starts complaining right? Okay? One more.... Karenina
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I promise I will take all the blame...He can bring you to my house and I will explain everything LOL
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You can be my ONE call -- a kind of writer's 911! Then again...he just called and I (gulp) said I've been so busy doing this and that time got away from me! He said we'd discuss dinner when he gets home...which will be in three...two...one...
(Don't worry, he may be HANGRY but he's a gentle man!)
My one regret is....I have to shut this computer down!
Oh! The weekend! He's gonna want to do something together!
This is SUCH FUN! --Karenina
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I hope Ethan will be able to help Beth. Nancy is no good and Dwight needs to go to jail. I hope he's there for a long time. More worried about himself than his daughter. Like I said before. This happens way too often.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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I hope Ethan will be able to help Beth. Nancy is no good and Dwight needs to go to jail. I hope he's there for a long time. More worried about himself than his daughter. Like I said before. This happens way too often.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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He's certainly going to try and help but people get in the way at times and things don't go as planned. Thanks for taking the time to read and the review. Smiles!
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Wow. You have been very busy! I have missed some of this - being off a few days 'cause of migraines, I guess. But I'll either catch up or, because my inbox is so crazy, just have to figure things out.
There is something truly magical about your writing - and you should know it. You have the ability to write realistic scenes like nobody else ever. Realistic stuff like the minutia of life but written in a way that makes it seem to matter as part of the story AND show so much of the character, too. I think it's awesome.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Carol,
Wow. You have been very busy! I have missed some of this - being off a few days 'cause of migraines, I guess. But I'll either catch up or, because my inbox is so crazy, just have to figure things out.
There is something truly magical about your writing - and you should know it. You have the ability to write realistic scenes like nobody else ever. Realistic stuff like the minutia of life but written in a way that makes it seem to matter as part of the story AND show so much of the character, too. I think it's awesome.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Well, this humble writer can't tell you how much this review has meant to me. I'm not ashamed to say I've doubted my skills since returning to FanStory. In 2009 and 2010, I was fortunate to have a tremendous following and I enjoyed every moment. When I left, my life was filled with tragedies and pain, I doubted everything including myself. (for many reasons). Returning, I struggled with so much and my "aging brain" doesn't help at times. Someone told me to write for myself, but I write for the enjoyment of others. I am thrilled when someone like you tells me my stories are special. A simple thank you isn't enough. Smiles and hugs as always, Carol
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you deserve it. --thumbs up--
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Heartwrenching--stunning narration, rife with rich imagery and vivid characters--chilling dialog! Magnificent piece.
jaunted=go on a short pleasure trip [sugg: sprinted]
fix notes: Nancy - a bartender and Dwights�?�¢??s �?�¢??behind the scenes�?�¢?? girlfriend [and others beneath]
I apologize for any confusing=>CONFUSION.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Heartwrenching--stunning narration, rife with rich imagery and vivid characters--chilling dialog! Magnificent piece.
jaunted=go on a short pleasure trip [sugg: sprinted]
fix notes: Nancy - a bartender and Dwights�?�¢??s �?�¢??behind the scenes�?�¢?? girlfriend [and others beneath]
I apologize for any confusing=>CONFUSION.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your assistance and for enjoying my story. I'm baffled why the computer put all that garble in wherever I used an apostrophe. (A mind of its own for sure). Appreciate the review and hope you have a wonderful day.
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Our text editor sucks--it does that to all of us. Fix and re-re-save as needed!
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The scenario deepens as the mistress is introduced. The man is a hopeless mess and not worthy of any sympathy. The mistress is a stupid
fawn with senseless ideas about what love is. This fantasy she is creating will bite them both, in the end.
Meanwhile, Ethan, the good-hearted basketball star will make the total difference in this story.
Ralf
Ralf
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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The scenario deepens as the mistress is introduced. The man is a hopeless mess and not worthy of any sympathy. The mistress is a stupid
fawn with senseless ideas about what love is. This fantasy she is creating will bite them both, in the end.
Meanwhile, Ethan, the good-hearted basketball star will make the total difference in this story.
Ralf
Ralf
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Hopefully, but I fear it will take time. Thanks for continuing to read and for the kin words. Sending you a smile and wishes for a great day!
Comment from Judy Lawless
Carol, you are really smoking on this story! Your imagery and dialogue draw us right in and what a devious imagination you have! It all seems so real.
One suggestion: Could you put a brief note about how the last page ended, at the beginning of new ones? Even though you post them close together, when reading and reviewing several stories in between, it takes me a while to remember what it's about. Thanks. :)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Carol, you are really smoking on this story! Your imagery and dialogue draw us right in and what a devious imagination you have! It all seems so real.
One suggestion: Could you put a brief note about how the last page ended, at the beginning of new ones? Even though you post them close together, when reading and reviewing several stories in between, it takes me a while to remember what it's about. Thanks. :)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Wowzers, Judy! - You are so kind! I've thought about doing that because I notice others do. It's a learning curve trying to get back into the groove. thanks so much for continuing to follow and for boosting my confidence every time. Thanks so much! Smiles to you! Carol
Comment from Carol Clark2
Another interesting page in this continuing story. I'm wondering if Ethan will be the good Samaritan and help Beth, or if he will walk away, as his friend did. Looking forward to the next page. Carol
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Another interesting page in this continuing story. I'm wondering if Ethan will be the good Samaritan and help Beth, or if he will walk away, as his friend did. Looking forward to the next page. Carol
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for reading and offering your views. I always like to know how people feel about the characters. Have a great day, Carol. Smiles to you as always.
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It's a good story on a difficult topic. Smiles to you also. Carol
Comment from Mastery
Hi Carol Good to see you are back at it and further that you implemented a few of my suggestions. Thank you for that.
I think your acing is off now. everything is happening to quickly, thus the chapter doesn't seem real like it did in the beginning. It's like an exaggerated bunch of mish mash. Way too much.
You are obviously in a hurry and I know you love to write, but this chapter should only be about six pages total when spelled out. Slow Down, dear friend. slow n easy. Bob
Good imagery: "The tall pines and majestic oak branches cast threatening shadows across the moonlit path."
And:
Suggestions: Change this. Don't be shy about calling things what they really are, Carol: Don't ever beat around the bush: You have: " her with trinkets and manly pleasures." Change to: " her with trinkets and kinky sex." (or just sex)
When I stressed that detail was so important, I meant to tell you there is a fine line that you will learn to recognize when you have done too much. This paragraph below is an example of overdoing it with detail and description. As a result it sounds too contrived:
" He stumbled to the bathroom, inhaled the putrid stench of liquor and beer, and unceremoniously vomited the contents of his nauseous stomach. Unsteady and lacking any coordination, the brown-yellow barf splattered everywhere but inside the porcelain bowl. (again, puke not barf)
And chairs thrown about in the kitchen seems like a stretch too. Drunks are drunks, but they don't act like this, from all I know. (and that is a lot LOL) This whole bad guy Dwight thing is too exaggerated, Carol. back off and redo, were it me.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Hi Carol Good to see you are back at it and further that you implemented a few of my suggestions. Thank you for that.
I think your acing is off now. everything is happening to quickly, thus the chapter doesn't seem real like it did in the beginning. It's like an exaggerated bunch of mish mash. Way too much.
You are obviously in a hurry and I know you love to write, but this chapter should only be about six pages total when spelled out. Slow Down, dear friend. slow n easy. Bob
Good imagery: "The tall pines and majestic oak branches cast threatening shadows across the moonlit path."
And:
Suggestions: Change this. Don't be shy about calling things what they really are, Carol: Don't ever beat around the bush: You have: " her with trinkets and manly pleasures." Change to: " her with trinkets and kinky sex." (or just sex)
When I stressed that detail was so important, I meant to tell you there is a fine line that you will learn to recognize when you have done too much. This paragraph below is an example of overdoing it with detail and description. As a result it sounds too contrived:
" He stumbled to the bathroom, inhaled the putrid stench of liquor and beer, and unceremoniously vomited the contents of his nauseous stomach. Unsteady and lacking any coordination, the brown-yellow barf splattered everywhere but inside the porcelain bowl. (again, puke not barf)
And chairs thrown about in the kitchen seems like a stretch too. Drunks are drunks, but they don't act like this, from all I know. (and that is a lot LOL) This whole bad guy Dwight thing is too exaggerated, Carol. back off and redo, were it me.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Thank you for stopping by and for telling me to put on the brakes. It's not the first time, I've been told I'm always rushing. Guess it comes from the years of making and delivering food for hundreds of people all at the same time (corporate catering).
I seriously thought about the sex thing, but the "old lady" in me won out. Guess I should have followed my gut.
I shall return to my "studies" and see if I can improve. Took a break this morning and popped out a flash fiction. so now I'm ready to focus again. I appreciate your time and wisdom.
Dwight's character scratches some past wounds and maybe I let my emotions put too much paint on the picture. I like when you call an Ace, an Ace. I'll definitely work on all of it.
Thanks again for all your support. Smiles to you! Carol
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You are a good student, Carol. You listen. (and a very good writer. Just slow way way down. If you only cover a conversation between two people in a chapter...SO WHAT!
LOL I always have a goal of eight pages (Word program) to each chapter btw. You can pace yourself for that goal in mind and you will come close and it will tell you when chapter end is coming. :) Bob
Comment from Ric Myworld
In today's society we can never count on anyone to stick their necks out to help us. Not my responsibility. Not my problem. Not any of my business. It's always easier to walk away. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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In today's society we can never count on anyone to stick their necks out to help us. Not my responsibility. Not my problem. Not any of my business. It's always easier to walk away. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Unfortunately, you're right. When we should be reaching out to help those in need, most are stepping away. I'm glad that I'm not one of them, but sometimes it backfires too! I'll take my chances, I guess. Offering a helping hand makes me feel better than wondering what if - Have a great day, my friend.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Virtual six again!! You are doing so well with this story. Now we have a drunk, disgusting child abuser, and his fancy piece, going to lie to the police and turn the poor girl into something she's not. The way Nancy has it all worked out, will be Beth who'll be locked away! We have one nice guy here and the other a coward who's only interested in protecting himself. I hope the nice one will help her and believe her. Excellent again, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Virtual six again!! You are doing so well with this story. Now we have a drunk, disgusting child abuser, and his fancy piece, going to lie to the police and turn the poor girl into something she's not. The way Nancy has it all worked out, will be Beth who'll be locked away! We have one nice guy here and the other a coward who's only interested in protecting himself. I hope the nice one will help her and believe her. Excellent again, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Good morning! Always nice to hear from a friend that lifts my spirits so kindly. I'm glad you enjoyed the story and appreciate all the virtual sixes you have to offer. Smiles as always - Have a great day! Carol
