On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "On The Edge of Deception - Rev 2"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
16 total reviews
Comment from karenina
It is right about now that I am regretting my inability to properly "budget" my weekly allotment of six stars! This IS riveting, real, raw writing...
Nothing boils my blood more than an abused child. I detest Beth's drunken monster of a dad! Oh! How much have I missed? This is awesome writing... I promise to do my best to catch up!--Karenina
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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It is right about now that I am regretting my inability to properly "budget" my weekly allotment of six stars! This IS riveting, real, raw writing...
Nothing boils my blood more than an abused child. I detest Beth's drunken monster of a dad! Oh! How much have I missed? This is awesome writing... I promise to do my best to catch up!--Karenina
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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Don't worry about the sixes sweetie. I am thrilled that you are willing to start from the beginning. You are awesome! Smiles - Carol
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I wish there were a FanStory ATM where I could debit some six stars... You SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO deserve them! Update: One frozen dinner spied in freezer...If I don't eat I can keep reading! (giggle)----Karenina
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OMG ... don't starve yourself...Can't have that on my conscience...LOL
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am praying with her. This is the first of this story I've read, my paying job gets in the way of reviewing. I do like this story and hope I get to read more. It's good an happens way too often.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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I am praying with her. This is the first of this story I've read, my paying job gets in the way of reviewing. I do like this story and hope I get to read more. It's good an happens way too often.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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My son is needing my assistance getting ready for the filming of his 2nd movie so I will be slowed down on how fast I can write so you are in luck lol The first page talks of Beth's mom being killed in a car crash and the caseworkers involved. I really appreciate you reading and reviewing as much as you can. You are awesome. Smiles!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Sometimes when you want to stick by somebody who fall under the spell of drinking, you better think twice; "The chair sailed across the room as he staggered to his feet, snarling at her. "No snot-nosed kid is going to tell Dwight Culbertson when he's had enough." He grabbed her arm, yanking her towards him." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next page.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Sometimes when you want to stick by somebody who fall under the spell of drinking, you better think twice; "The chair sailed across the room as he staggered to his feet, snarling at her. "No snot-nosed kid is going to tell Dwight Culbertson when he's had enough." He grabbed her arm, yanking her towards him." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next page.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Appreciate your kindness, Iza. Thank you for taking the time to read and review my story. It means a lot to me. Smiles to you as always, Carol
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The fact that this does actually happen to some poor children is quite evident in our society, although it is fiction. You have done a powerful job in presenting the circumstances with good action words. I would allot six stars if I had them. Your fine narrative arouses a very solid interest in the story.
Ralf
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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The fact that this does actually happen to some poor children is quite evident in our society, although it is fiction. You have done a powerful job in presenting the circumstances with good action words. I would allot six stars if I had them. Your fine narrative arouses a very solid interest in the story.
Ralf
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Yes, it's sad and just keeps getting worse - between the abuse and ending up living on the streets facing another whole world of travesties. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Smiles to you Ralf.
Comment from lyenochka
This was really gruesome. But it's a reality that young ones have really experienced. Hopefully, now Bethany will get help for herself. I think she should have reported about the dog before she let this happen to her again.
"Dad, your drunk. (you're)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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This was really gruesome. But it's a reality that young ones have really experienced. Hopefully, now Bethany will get help for herself. I think she should have reported about the dog before she let this happen to her again.
"Dad, your drunk. (you're)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Thanks Helen. Due to some marvelous instructions from a fellow writer, I've made a few changes in the characters (posted in the author's notes) so as not to confuse the reader. I think Beth was overwhelmed with the loss of her mother and Toby and definitely feared her dad. She did the best she could and got out. Thanks for the review. Smiles to you!
Comment from Judy Lawless
I think this story can go far! It's one that has been told many times, but you've begun it on a little different note perhaps and have delivered a great start. Curiosity and anticipation for further "chapters" (this should be a book) will keep you writing for a long time. Great work!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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I think this story can go far! It's one that has been told many times, but you've begun it on a little different note perhaps and have delivered a great start. Curiosity and anticipation for further "chapters" (this should be a book) will keep you writing for a long time. Great work!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Thank you Judy - When I first started it, I thought it was just a short but somehow in my mind it keeps growing and I must follow. I probably shouldn't have posted the first two pages until I knew what I wanted to do, but sometimes life just goes that way. Guess I'll just have to write faster. LOL Thanks for the encouragement and the kind thoughts. Smiles to you! Carol
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I think that there might be a way that you can now incorporate them into a book, but I can't tell you how. :)
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Dreadful story, stunningly narrated. Don't send her back!
typo: winched for winced (but not commensurate with agony, winced=
give a slight involuntary grimace or shrinking movement of the body out of or in anticipation of pain or distress. Sugg: wrenched=twisted violently)
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Dreadful story, stunningly narrated. Don't send her back!
typo: winched for winced (but not commensurate with agony, winced=
give a slight involuntary grimace or shrinking movement of the body out of or in anticipation of pain or distress. Sugg: wrenched=twisted violently)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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No I won't send her back! I couldn't - Her journey might not be the best, but I believe there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for reading and leaving me your thoughts and help. Smiles to you.
Comment from Mastery
Carol, you are a good writer in my opinion. Not just average, but well above that...professional-sounding is the right term, I think. This deserves six stars, but alas, I have none left for the week. I am sure you will be getting many more in the future though.
Your story line is well crafted. Your imagery is spot on and you know how to use strong verbs like this through the entire piece:
"The chair sailed across the room as he staggered to his feet, snarling at her."
Suggestions if I may: Never use common-sounding names in your fiction, like this for instance: " ....going to tell Paul Johnson" Using offbeat names gives the story more authentic sound. Make this father, Dwight Culberson, perhaps. (You may want to change Bethany's name a tad too. Make her "Beth."
Also, bring more items into the area of the kitchen and other rooms just a little more to give the setting more realism.
And: Perhaps add this to the beginning of this important paragraph:
You have, "The kitchen table separated her from a menacing devil."
I suggest this: "She was relieved the kitchen table separated her from the menacing devil........."
All in all you have a good story and well written here, my friend.
Bless you, Carol Bob
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Carol, you are a good writer in my opinion. Not just average, but well above that...professional-sounding is the right term, I think. This deserves six stars, but alas, I have none left for the week. I am sure you will be getting many more in the future though.
Your story line is well crafted. Your imagery is spot on and you know how to use strong verbs like this through the entire piece:
"The chair sailed across the room as he staggered to his feet, snarling at her."
Suggestions if I may: Never use common-sounding names in your fiction, like this for instance: " ....going to tell Paul Johnson" Using offbeat names gives the story more authentic sound. Make this father, Dwight Culberson, perhaps. (You may want to change Bethany's name a tad too. Make her "Beth."
Also, bring more items into the area of the kitchen and other rooms just a little more to give the setting more realism.
And: Perhaps add this to the beginning of this important paragraph:
You have, "The kitchen table separated her from a menacing devil."
I suggest this: "She was relieved the kitchen table separated her from the menacing devil........."
All in all you have a good story and well written here, my friend.
Bless you, Carol Bob
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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What do I say that will indicate how flattered and humbled I am by your review. I appreciate the suggestions and can see what you are trying to point out to me. Thank you so much. If you have the time, and can read Page 1, I would be more than thankful for the suggestions before I continue the story. I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd like to make the changes if at all possible. You are awesome! Smiles to you, Bob. As always, Carol
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Not a problem, Carol. I am scratching my head trying to figure out how I missed that first part anyway. I can easily understand your wanting the complete picture before you move forward. I meant to offerz this also, Carol. Be careful because youer plotx is sounding very much like so many other stories, plays an dmovies before it.
Think of a twist or something to change the trajectory ever so slightly were it me. :) Bob (Now I am off to look at that page one. :) Bob
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My plot will have many twists and turns - leaving her home life far behind, but I thank you for the reminder. I wrote a COLD CASE 574 last week and had a twist at every ending. I don't like straight lines! LOL Thank you again.
Comment from Ric Myworld
What a sad situation, and one that is lived by staggering numbers every day in this old world. So much anger, hatred, lack of sympathy and empathy, and out-of-control animosity. Hearts of stone. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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What a sad situation, and one that is lived by staggering numbers every day in this old world. So much anger, hatred, lack of sympathy and empathy, and out-of-control animosity. Hearts of stone. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Yes - the other night I heard the statistics for my own city and was flabbergasted. No wonder so much crime exists because the foundation starts at home. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Take care - smiles to you!
Comment from eliz100
The part about Toby brought tears to my eyes. As if that was not enough, then Bethany gets beat. Finally, she does manage to escape. Unfortunately we do carry our pain with us.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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The part about Toby brought tears to my eyes. As if that was not enough, then Bethany gets beat. Finally, she does manage to escape. Unfortunately we do carry our pain with us.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Very true! I hope I can find some peace and happiness for Bethany but the road she travels is a rough one. Thanks for the review. I appreciate it! Have a great day!
