On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "On The Edge of Deception - Rev 1"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
14 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Oh geez! I was devoid of a computer when you began this...and I have no idea, now, how much I missed! Thanks for guiding me back to chapters one and two so I could ease my mind about what brought Beth to the women's shelter many chapters in! I'm so swamped catching up on reviews that piled up while my laptop got repaired! I now begin to see the writing on the wall. I will read this and chapter two NOW and do my best to catch up on chapters I've missed as I can! I hate it when this happens!-- (Both to Beth and referencing my internet deficit!)--- You DO have a way of pulling me right in!--Karenina
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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Oh geez! I was devoid of a computer when you began this...and I have no idea, now, how much I missed! Thanks for guiding me back to chapters one and two so I could ease my mind about what brought Beth to the women's shelter many chapters in! I'm so swamped catching up on reviews that piled up while my laptop got repaired! I now begin to see the writing on the wall. I will read this and chapter two NOW and do my best to catch up on chapters I've missed as I can! I hate it when this happens!-- (Both to Beth and referencing my internet deficit!)--- You DO have a way of pulling me right in!--Karenina
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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Your awesome - Most of my chapters are not recognized because they are sitting at 14...You are doing me one huge awesome favor so do not worry about stars or anything. I just appreciate that you love the story enough to start from the beginning. Just read what you can ... I am anxious to see what you think of the entire story so far. Smiles to you - Carol
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I want this in paper back right now! I could read as I stir the stew! (Oh Gosh, the stew! I guess it's too late for THAT now!---LOL, Karenina
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HAHAHAHAHAHHA....You are so good for me. I can't stop smiling. Thanks so much...
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SO funny how my reviews are inverted...page one right here and already I've commented on pages 3-6...or 7? (It's written down, not to worry!)---I'm running out of adjectives and accolades...a casualty of reading so many pages in one sitting! I think you've got my drift... I think you're story and your skill are both stellar! As in stars! As in the six stars I DO NOT HAVE at the end of the week! Will you take a check? What fun! (Until hubby enters with growling stomach....)---Oh! The heck with it! I'll stir up something!---(Cheshire cat grin)---Karenina
Comment from Bettyanne Twigg
Good leads into story. Author is well informed. I shall look forward to continuing the saga. Check for all of the senses. Might add some smells if you have not already used them for the next page. Good.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Good leads into story. Author is well informed. I shall look forward to continuing the saga. Check for all of the senses. Might add some smells if you have not already used them for the next page. Good.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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I am doing a little rewriting on both chapters before going forward. This was planned as a short story, but my mind is blowing it into something much larger. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Smiles to you!
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I know how that goes...smiles to her...
Comment from eliz100
This was an interesting, enjoyable story. I would not change a thing. The picture surely fits the story. The hook at the end has me looking forward to the next session.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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This was an interesting, enjoyable story. I would not change a thing. The picture surely fits the story. The hook at the end has me looking forward to the next session.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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I have posted Page 2 and working on page 3 - hoping to find a little happiness somewhere. Thank you for your thoughts. I truly appreciate it. Smiles as always! Carol
Comment from BethShelby
Well, I read the other story first. I didn't realize that ;you were starting a book. I'm glad we will be able to learn what will happen to Bethany. At least these people are willing to help her. Reading this explains a lot about the other chapter. I 'm glad you are writing more. I will be looking forward to reading the whole thing.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Well, I read the other story first. I didn't realize that ;you were starting a book. I'm glad we will be able to learn what will happen to Bethany. At least these people are willing to help her. Reading this explains a lot about the other chapter. I 'm glad you are writing more. I will be looking forward to reading the whole thing.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Sorry, you read it backward - I tried to set the theme with the first page. I just went back and noted on the beginning of page 2 that there is a page one. Several people have read it out of order. Page 3 will hopefully be a little lighter - We shall see. Thanks again Beth. Have a great day!
Comment from Susan Newell
This really holds my attention, even for a third read. You grip the reader with your style, dialogue and hints of things to come.
New notes on suggested minor tweaks:
Garth Woodman -- Woodhouse?
Visions of the delectable young flesh beneath his loins torched his manhood; -- sounds like it's his flesh -- maybe flesh trapped, spread or pressed beneath?
Jesse and Sasha scene is really improved - Great!
The spoiled Princess returned. -- Not a tennis game. :-) retorted?
It wasnâ??t like her to miss class, unless-. -- I think "unless . . . " is preferred
There werenâ??t any signs of being welcomed in their neighborhood. -- no clear antecedent for "their." -- this?
Weeds and an occasional sapling sprouted -- saplings are pretty big -- seedling?
A semi tractor-trailer -- seems redundant -- delete semi?
She leaned into the doorway again -- antecedent is Gigi -- suggest Bert leaned
The wooden rails squeaked against the porch floor. -- I don't understand "rails." Do you mean rockers?
End new notes
This is done very well in terms of the back story and introduction of characters in a memorable way. I like having Jesse out front. Sasha is a great little "princess." There are a few spots in the section where you are giving the town history where you drift into more telling than showing. I wouldn't worry about it right now, because you are on a good roll for the rest of it. Dialogue is good (and instructive). The story is engaging, the neighborhood description puts me right there. Amanda is improved. All good!
Suggestions:
Whipton, Illinois -- delete Illinois. You repeat it later in the sentence.
The dark side of Whipton knocked on everyoneâ??s door, rich or poor. -- THIS is your opening line for the book. But add something like "black or white, male or female, young or old, educated or uneducated." Add "eventually" knocked?
clipped hedge == hedges?
squinted at Jesse -- squinted in his direction?
â??Thank you, but I still donâ??t know you.â?? Beth turned to go ==> Sasha
She stared at him as a chill cover her body -- cover(ed) is not the right word -- flooded? ??
Bert eased the government car to the curb -- don't think you need to repeat government here
t-boned -- I think T-boned
through the front window ==> windshield
He only suffered bumps and bruises, but his wife was dead. -- need end quotes-- I know this is dialogue, but Bert is educated. Would suggest: he suffered only . . .but his wife died.
Her mind registered distrust. -- her face?
The sixteen-year-old daughter should be home from -- daughter, Beth, ???
The teenager nodded. â??I guess, but dad ==> Dad
On two the next chapter!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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This really holds my attention, even for a third read. You grip the reader with your style, dialogue and hints of things to come.
New notes on suggested minor tweaks:
Garth Woodman -- Woodhouse?
Visions of the delectable young flesh beneath his loins torched his manhood; -- sounds like it's his flesh -- maybe flesh trapped, spread or pressed beneath?
Jesse and Sasha scene is really improved - Great!
The spoiled Princess returned. -- Not a tennis game. :-) retorted?
It wasnâ??t like her to miss class, unless-. -- I think "unless . . . " is preferred
There werenâ??t any signs of being welcomed in their neighborhood. -- no clear antecedent for "their." -- this?
Weeds and an occasional sapling sprouted -- saplings are pretty big -- seedling?
A semi tractor-trailer -- seems redundant -- delete semi?
She leaned into the doorway again -- antecedent is Gigi -- suggest Bert leaned
The wooden rails squeaked against the porch floor. -- I don't understand "rails." Do you mean rockers?
End new notes
This is done very well in terms of the back story and introduction of characters in a memorable way. I like having Jesse out front. Sasha is a great little "princess." There are a few spots in the section where you are giving the town history where you drift into more telling than showing. I wouldn't worry about it right now, because you are on a good roll for the rest of it. Dialogue is good (and instructive). The story is engaging, the neighborhood description puts me right there. Amanda is improved. All good!
Suggestions:
Whipton, Illinois -- delete Illinois. You repeat it later in the sentence.
The dark side of Whipton knocked on everyoneâ??s door, rich or poor. -- THIS is your opening line for the book. But add something like "black or white, male or female, young or old, educated or uneducated." Add "eventually" knocked?
clipped hedge == hedges?
squinted at Jesse -- squinted in his direction?
â??Thank you, but I still donâ??t know you.â?? Beth turned to go ==> Sasha
She stared at him as a chill cover her body -- cover(ed) is not the right word -- flooded? ??
Bert eased the government car to the curb -- don't think you need to repeat government here
t-boned -- I think T-boned
through the front window ==> windshield
He only suffered bumps and bruises, but his wife was dead. -- need end quotes-- I know this is dialogue, but Bert is educated. Would suggest: he suffered only . . .but his wife died.
Her mind registered distrust. -- her face?
The sixteen-year-old daughter should be home from -- daughter, Beth, ???
The teenager nodded. â??I guess, but dad ==> Dad
On two the next chapter!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Thank you Susan for going back to read this page. It does show us why so many are afraid to tell the truth or to escape the tragedy. thanks again for catching my error. I'll try to add a bit of happiness to this sad situation in Page 3 (but that's a difficult task). Smiles to you! Carol
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I'm looking forward to reading page 3!
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Thank you! Smiles to you, my friend. Carol
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I just fanned you to be sure I don't miss page 3 and other worke.
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Me too! I loved the two postings that I just read of yours. Glad we are friends! Smiles to you - Carol
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Ditto.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, this is only part one? I think even this one could be two parts. But I like how you set the scene and informed the reader about what was really going on without letting the characters the real truth. But I'm guessing the case workers are smarter than Bethany thinks they are.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Oh, this is only part one? I think even this one could be two parts. But I like how you set the scene and informed the reader about what was really going on without letting the characters the real truth. But I'm guessing the case workers are smarter than Bethany thinks they are.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Oh, my! Did you feel it was too long? It was only 1300 words which is around what Robyn suggested I keep my stories. As for what's going to happen, it will be a roller coaster of events. Some good and happy, others not so much. thanks for reading and reviewing. Have a great day! Smiles to you as always.
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Robyn would know. But from my experience with readers and reviewing, 700-1000 is more the sweet spot for a reader's attention these days. 💖
Comment from Ric Myworld
I was just reading where that in my area alone child abuse reports have risen more than 33% in since Covid. And as we might expect, child abuse is always the last crime to be reported. Murders are up 75% in the last year, along with domestic abuse. Still at home under the same roof, watch out. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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I was just reading where that in my area alone child abuse reports have risen more than 33% in since Covid. And as we might expect, child abuse is always the last crime to be reported. Murders are up 75% in the last year, along with domestic abuse. Still at home under the same roof, watch out. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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I'm not sure why this story crept into my mind because the original thought came from a much happier place. Guess that's the way of writing. In my mind, it will be a roller coaster of ups and downs but isn't that how life is? It scares me to think how much doesn't get reporter because the stigma is greater than the actions. Too sad!
Comment from Anne Johnston
I really like the beginning of your story, but you do leave us in suspense. Will be looking forward to the next episode. Sounds like it could be very interesting.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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I really like the beginning of your story, but you do leave us in suspense. Will be looking forward to the next episode. Sounds like it could be very interesting.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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hi, Anne - Thanks for reading and following the story. I'm not sure where it will go but I believe it will be quite a roller coaster ride between the good and the bad. Have to have a little happiness somewhere. Smiles to you! Carol
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You are welcome
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Heartrending. Masterful narration and vivid imagery--skillfully rendered dialog and characters ring true. I don't see this ending well but considering you're the writer I'll see it through.
Johnson's=>Johnsons
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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Heartrending. Masterful narration and vivid imagery--skillfully rendered dialog and characters ring true. I don't see this ending well but considering you're the writer I'll see it through.
Johnson's=>Johnsons
Comment Written 23-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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This and the next chapter are dark, but Bethany will be on a roller coaster ride of good and bad. Have to bring some happiness into the girl's world or at least try. I've got the idea in my head now we'll see if I can write it. Thanks for reading and I appreciate the review. Smiles!
Comment from Carol Clark2
There's much tension in this story, and many questions for the reader to ponder about the future of the characters. (I see from your comments that you're changing Veronica to Virginia; there's one more in paragraph 38.) I look forward to reading the rest of this story. The dialogue is realistic. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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There's much tension in this story, and many questions for the reader to ponder about the future of the characters. (I see from your comments that you're changing Veronica to Virginia; there's one more in paragraph 38.) I look forward to reading the rest of this story. The dialogue is realistic. Nicely done.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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Carol, Thanks for reading and reviewing my story. I think it will be a roller coaster ride of good and bad for Bethany. Finding happiness must be in there somewhere for our poor girl, but I'm not positive of how long it stays or if it comes back again. Smiles to you, my friend.
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You're welcome. I look forward to reading the roller coaster ride. Smiles to you. Carol
