Machines of Bentley
The biggest deal of his life.21 total reviews
Comment from MK Braddley
Well, that was definitely an unexpected twist! The use of the acronym MOB was clever, I hadn't detected it until it was explicitly laid out. To make it a bit more plausible, however, I think it would have been helpful to have set out the time period at the start (perhaps the 1960s or 1970s?). I used to work for a bank and everything is electronic so there would be no cashier's cheque. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2021
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Well, that was definitely an unexpected twist! The use of the acronym MOB was clever, I hadn't detected it until it was explicitly laid out. To make it a bit more plausible, however, I think it would have been helpful to have set out the time period at the start (perhaps the 1960s or 1970s?). I used to work for a bank and everything is electronic so there would be no cashier's cheque. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2021
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I?m glad you were surprised. Mission accomplished. :)). I understand your comment about the time period and electronic banking (I?m a CPA). This was a flash fiction assignment with limited words allowed. As a reviewer that should be a consideration by you too. Thank you for your review.
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Fair point! Flash fiction is challenging. Thanks Lance
Comment from T.A. Walk
This is a great piece, and that would have definitely have been a surprise. I hope you have good luck in the contest. I didn't catch any criticisms. Good read, thank you.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2021
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This is a great piece, and that would have definitely have been a surprise. I hope you have good luck in the contest. I didn't catch any criticisms. Good read, thank you.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2021
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I appreciate your positive comments. The vote ended and no luck. Not a big fan of voting booths. LoL. Thank you for your review.
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I get that, I don?t care much for them either. Sorry, but I enjoyed it!
Comment from Patty Palmer
I admit I didn't see that ending coming! You did a good job telling the story and got the reader interested and expecting to find who the winners would be and how they did it. You had me right up to the ending when they killed everybody off. Good job! Good luck with the contest!
Patty
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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I admit I didn't see that ending coming! You did a good job telling the story and got the reader interested and expecting to find who the winners would be and how they did it. You had me right up to the ending when they killed everybody off. Good job! Good luck with the contest!
Patty
Comment Written 03-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review. I?m glad I kept you guessing.
Comment from Wendy G
Well that was definitely a surprise. The story was unusual and had flair,and was written competently and with assurance. The structure led up to the climax very well. Best wishes for the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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Well that was definitely a surprise. The story was unusual and had flair,and was written competently and with assurance. The structure led up to the climax very well. Best wishes for the contest.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is a weeener, my friend. As a former businessman for 60 years, in sales, I understand the dynamics and the power ploys that new projects use to inject energy into a company. Business can be dirty, indeed. To the core. Your knowledge of the inner workings of business adds needed authenticity to your writing. Great work!
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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This is a weeener, my friend. As a former businessman for 60 years, in sales, I understand the dynamics and the power ploys that new projects use to inject energy into a company. Business can be dirty, indeed. To the core. Your knowledge of the inner workings of business adds needed authenticity to your writing. Great work!
Comment Written 03-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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Thanks Jay, much appreciated. Thank you for your review.
Comment from lancellot
Okay, that was a surprise ending. Who could have foreseen that a well established firm would be doing business with the mob and not know it. I guess they didn't do any checking on this company.
Good work and good idea.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Okay, that was a surprise ending. Who could have foreseen that a well established firm would be doing business with the mob and not know it. I guess they didn't do any checking on this company.
Good work and good idea.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Wow! You did it! This story was riveting from beginning to end. It moved quickly but included all the pertinent details. Because of the subject of the contest, I knew I would be surprised and kept guessing as I read. No. I didn't even come close to getting it right. M.O.B. Brilliant. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Wow! You did it! This story was riveting from beginning to end. It moved quickly but included all the pertinent details. Because of the subject of the contest, I knew I would be surprised and kept guessing as I read. No. I didn't even come close to getting it right. M.O.B. Brilliant. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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I?m glad I kept you guessing. I appreciate your kind comments and thank you for your review.
Comment from estory
This had that shock value ending. You set us up with that innocent approach, relating that all the sales targets were getting made, the boss had arranged for success, the team was delivering...and then comes this Valentine's Day massacre kind of ending when the crooks spray the team with machine gun bullets. An eye popper of an ending. estory
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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This had that shock value ending. You set us up with that innocent approach, relating that all the sales targets were getting made, the boss had arranged for success, the team was delivering...and then comes this Valentine's Day massacre kind of ending when the crooks spray the team with machine gun bullets. An eye popper of an ending. estory
Comment Written 02-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review
Comment from jusylee72
I like the surprise ending. I am a little confused how a company could make that kind of money in that short of time. I do get the concept and the Machines name, but I just had trouble understanding what was actually going on until the end.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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I like the surprise ending. I am a little confused how a company could make that kind of money in that short of time. I do get the concept and the Machines name, but I just had trouble understanding what was actually going on until the end.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Chambers was selling junk bonds for MoB that would never get repaid. Thanks for your review.
Comment from muffinmama
The first sentence reeled me in, short and intriguing.
The rest of the story quietly built the suspense. Nothing untoward was suspected.
The ending could not have surprised me more, which means you succeeded in achieving the goal of the contest.
This was perfect.
Good luck!
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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The first sentence reeled me in, short and intriguing.
The rest of the story quietly built the suspense. Nothing untoward was suspected.
The ending could not have surprised me more, which means you succeeded in achieving the goal of the contest.
This was perfect.
Good luck!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Thanks for your supportive comments. I'm glad you enjoyed in and I "got you" with the ending. Thanks for your review.
