Cindy and White
escape8 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is a creative combination of the two fairy tales, Cinderella and Snow White. I like that you modernized the story by having Cindy dress similar to Wonder Woman. There were some grammar and punctuation issues, but the story was still understandable and clever. Fairy tales always have a moral. In this case, "Karma is a bitch," was perfect. Best wishes in the contest.
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This is a creative combination of the two fairy tales, Cinderella and Snow White. I like that you modernized the story by having Cindy dress similar to Wonder Woman. There were some grammar and punctuation issues, but the story was still understandable and clever. Fairy tales always have a moral. In this case, "Karma is a bitch," was perfect. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2021
Comment from Ric Myworld
Karma gets you every time. I got a kick out of your story. Of course, I never liked good girls anyway, the naughtier the better. Then, I met and married a sweet and innocent girl who wouldn't do anything wrong. But the joke was on me. Two years later, she still wouldn't. LOL. Thanks for sharing your fun story.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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Karma gets you every time. I got a kick out of your story. Of course, I never liked good girls anyway, the naughtier the better. Then, I met and married a sweet and innocent girl who wouldn't do anything wrong. But the joke was on me. Two years later, she still wouldn't. LOL. Thanks for sharing your fun story.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2021
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Naughty, naughty, naughty:)
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Cindy and White, is a funny and nuty adventure that gives the reader a look at a modern couple of women looking to improve their status. Neat.
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This story, Cindy and White, is a funny and nuty adventure that gives the reader a look at a modern couple of women looking to improve their status. Neat.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
Comment from estory
An interesting modern take on the Cinderella and Snow White stories; I thought the dialogue was pretty sharp and the black leather costume really updated the story into the modern times. The two girls seem a bit more worldly wise than their original fairy story counterparts. and the ending is a bit more modern as well with the evil witch dying from eating a poisoned apple. estory
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An interesting modern take on the Cinderella and Snow White stories; I thought the dialogue was pretty sharp and the black leather costume really updated the story into the modern times. The two girls seem a bit more worldly wise than their original fairy story counterparts. and the ending is a bit more modern as well with the evil witch dying from eating a poisoned apple. estory
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
Comment from equestrik
This is a very fun and creative story. I enjoyed the clever integration of the two girls and the development of the story as you went along. Best to you in the contest.
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This is a very fun and creative story. I enjoyed the clever integration of the two girls and the development of the story as you went along. Best to you in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
Comment from samandlancelot
Your story was a blast to read. I loved it. I love the way you brought Cinderella and Snow White together to be girlfriends, helping each other through similar circumstances. I could see your creative mind throughout the story.
Here are my suggestions for improvement:
and they lived happily ever after. (use quotation marks)
when I will (delete 'will') find my Knight in shiny armor."
Cruella (add comma) alias the bad Queen (add comma)
maximum, (remove comma) and needed a
The dwarfs (comma) forgetting her phobia of apples (comma) offered
She stopped by the river (add comma) washed her face and body a
normal clothes (since I don't live in fairy-tale land, I don't know what normal clothes look like. Can you give us some description?
so after they walk (walked) for (delete 'for') a kilometer, (add 'she') broke the silence.
I feel that (avoid 'that' when you can. It will strengthen your writing. If the sentence reads okay without it, don't use it.) I can trust you. I am dressed like this because I ran away from my stepm
looked at her (add comma. without the comma, it appears White looked at Cindy and Cindy was laughing.) laughing
Zorro clothes (I like this)
Okay, and my name is Cinderella (I didn't pick up on this "Cindy" detail until now. It was a funny surprise.
I heard about your evil mom (stepmom)
I am (change to I've been) coming here since I was a baby."
came to the reception and run (ran) to White.
I got her out from my castle, and now she has nobody, and where I am, it is no space for a girl like her. (This doesn't make sense to me. I don't see where Cindy was at the castle. "but where I am" also doesn't make sense. Both girls are running away. Try to clarify this.
she is exceptionally good. (good, like well behaved? good, like working at a spa? How would White know?)
My mom will die of anger when she sees that is gone!" (when she sees "what" is gone?
was feeling (this is passive, and active verbs will strengthen your writing. Change 'was feeling' to 'felt.'
now they (they're) at the first stage:
Whitty, (Whitey) his name is Marcus,
Wow, I guess karma it's a bitch! (either "karma, it's a bitch" or "karma is a bitch)
I hope this helps.
Patricia
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Your story was a blast to read. I loved it. I love the way you brought Cinderella and Snow White together to be girlfriends, helping each other through similar circumstances. I could see your creative mind throughout the story.
Here are my suggestions for improvement:
and they lived happily ever after. (use quotation marks)
when I will (delete 'will') find my Knight in shiny armor."
Cruella (add comma) alias the bad Queen (add comma)
maximum, (remove comma) and needed a
The dwarfs (comma) forgetting her phobia of apples (comma) offered
She stopped by the river (add comma) washed her face and body a
normal clothes (since I don't live in fairy-tale land, I don't know what normal clothes look like. Can you give us some description?
so after they walk (walked) for (delete 'for') a kilometer, (add 'she') broke the silence.
I feel that (avoid 'that' when you can. It will strengthen your writing. If the sentence reads okay without it, don't use it.) I can trust you. I am dressed like this because I ran away from my stepm
looked at her (add comma. without the comma, it appears White looked at Cindy and Cindy was laughing.) laughing
Zorro clothes (I like this)
Okay, and my name is Cinderella (I didn't pick up on this "Cindy" detail until now. It was a funny surprise.
I heard about your evil mom (stepmom)
I am (change to I've been) coming here since I was a baby."
came to the reception and run (ran) to White.
I got her out from my castle, and now she has nobody, and where I am, it is no space for a girl like her. (This doesn't make sense to me. I don't see where Cindy was at the castle. "but where I am" also doesn't make sense. Both girls are running away. Try to clarify this.
she is exceptionally good. (good, like well behaved? good, like working at a spa? How would White know?)
My mom will die of anger when she sees that is gone!" (when she sees "what" is gone?
was feeling (this is passive, and active verbs will strengthen your writing. Change 'was feeling' to 'felt.'
now they (they're) at the first stage:
Whitty, (Whitey) his name is Marcus,
Wow, I guess karma it's a bitch! (either "karma, it's a bitch" or "karma is a bitch)
I hope this helps.
Patricia
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Wickedly clever! Brilliant interweaving of the two tales--delicious snark about Prince charming.
try her look=>LUCK
The disguise was mandatory, so she COULD escape the spies and hunters that the Queen WILL SEND after her.
dressed like this because I RAN away from my stepmother,
Like I have a choice, mumble=>MUMBLED White.
washed her face and body and PULLED out a change of normal clothes.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2021
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Wickedly clever! Brilliant interweaving of the two tales--delicious snark about Prince charming.
try her look=>LUCK
The disguise was mandatory, so she COULD escape the spies and hunters that the Queen WILL SEND after her.
dressed like this because I RAN away from my stepmother,
Like I have a choice, mumble=>MUMBLED White.
washed her face and body and PULLED out a change of normal clothes.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2021
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Hi Liz, thank you so much for revieiwing and the grammar corrections. Bloody Grammarly still gives errors:)
Comment from lyenochka
I like your modern fairy tale story with Cinderella and Snow White helping each other. The plot is good and we are cheering for these girls who suffered too much due to their evil stepmothers.
Lots of comments:
her mother secret room (mother's)
to [be] hired at a
they offered her appeals a (apples) ?
White instantly lose (lost)
Like I have choice, mumble White (mumbled) Needs quotations.
"Fake? Who come? (How come?)
Suddenly, you switched to a script format. I don't think you need to place the speaker like that:
Whitty: "Should I stick around for the weeding?" (wedding)
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2021
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I like your modern fairy tale story with Cinderella and Snow White helping each other. The plot is good and we are cheering for these girls who suffered too much due to their evil stepmothers.
Lots of comments:
her mother secret room (mother's)
to [be] hired at a
they offered her appeals a (apples) ?
White instantly lose (lost)
Like I have choice, mumble White (mumbled) Needs quotations.
"Fake? Who come? (How come?)
Suddenly, you switched to a script format. I don't think you need to place the speaker like that:
Whitty: "Should I stick around for the weeding?" (wedding)
Comment Written 28-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2021
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thank you so much for reviewing and the grammar corrections. Bloody Grammarly still gives errors:)
