Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A Child Picks up the Phone..."Flash Fiction
12 total reviews
Comment from kmoss
I really like this story, it's an unusual take for the future flash fiction contest. I didn't even think about talking to myself from the future for this contest.
I really like the parts about wrinkled khakis, the phone cord, and the plastic relic. All of those details really add flavor to this story. Sometimes all it takes is a simple phone call to change things, whether it be for ourselves or a friend. I think this one deserves to win!
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2021
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I really like this story, it's an unusual take for the future flash fiction contest. I didn't even think about talking to myself from the future for this contest.
I really like the parts about wrinkled khakis, the phone cord, and the plastic relic. All of those details really add flavor to this story. Sometimes all it takes is a simple phone call to change things, whether it be for ourselves or a friend. I think this one deserves to win!
Comment Written 14-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2021
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You are so cool. Thank you!!
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You are so cool. Thank you!!
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:)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sometimes, just having someone to open up to makes all the different. They don't even have to comment, just listen. I mean, would we pay any attention to their advice anyway? Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Sometimes, just having someone to open up to makes all the different. They don't even have to comment, just listen. I mean, would we pay any attention to their advice anyway? Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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You're the man, thank you so so much...
Comment from visionary1234
I always love reading flash fiction as I know what skill it takes to craft that 'surprise' twist at the end! Good job on this one!!! I especially enjoyed the 'hints' u gave us along the way, laying the groundwork but not giving it away. Very effective!
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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I always love reading flash fiction as I know what skill it takes to craft that 'surprise' twist at the end! Good job on this one!!! I especially enjoyed the 'hints' u gave us along the way, laying the groundwork but not giving it away. Very effective!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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THANK YOU!! YOU'RE AWESOME
Comment from Pantygynt
The two lines of 'thinks' that precede the closing untruth reinforced my tendency to feel that the term 'trick cyclist' was probably appropriately assigned to psychiatrists, but then I looked again at the final comment that I termed an untruth earlier. Could it in fact be an honest statement? If so, those sessions must have been doing some good.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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The two lines of 'thinks' that precede the closing untruth reinforced my tendency to feel that the term 'trick cyclist' was probably appropriately assigned to psychiatrists, but then I looked again at the final comment that I termed an untruth earlier. Could it in fact be an honest statement? If so, those sessions must have been doing some good.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much for reading. Yeah I think so as well. I actually redid it and added a lot more. Maybe it's better. Thanks so much!!
Seriously Thank you for reading :)
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Very well written--vivid image of weaving fingers in coils--I can see this. As to the story itself--I am utterly confused. Child? Toy phone? Futuristic? Role playing? Who's he talking to on phone? Therapist in room with him?
Very amusing bit about making another useless appt.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
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Very well written--vivid image of weaving fingers in coils--I can see this. As to the story itself--I am utterly confused. Child? Toy phone? Futuristic? Role playing? Who's he talking to on phone? Therapist in room with him?
Very amusing bit about making another useless appt.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
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Oh sorry. It's my dr making me place a pretend phone call to my younger self. Sorry about that :) thanks for the stars and reading!!
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Thanks! I got the gist of her telling you to make the affirmation; the rest didn't occur to me.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Greg. Proaable Clever story here. I just hope I understood it, but had my doubts for some reason? You didn't make it clear enough that he was talking or pretending to have a conversation on the phone. And which phone? Is there more than one? Sorry if I am thick on this one Greg.
Were the lines in italics supposed to be thoughts?
Also, you need quote marks around this sentence regardless: Awkward. It felt incredibly awkward.
I suggest you break that first rather big paragraph up and start the second one with these words: "In actuality, I'm sure it was acquired online and at a . . . . " (It will just tend to make the piece more "reader friendly," Greg. Good luck, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Hi Greg. Proaable Clever story here. I just hope I understood it, but had my doubts for some reason? You didn't make it clear enough that he was talking or pretending to have a conversation on the phone. And which phone? Is there more than one? Sorry if I am thick on this one Greg.
Were the lines in italics supposed to be thoughts?
Also, you need quote marks around this sentence regardless: Awkward. It felt incredibly awkward.
I suggest you break that first rather big paragraph up and start the second one with these words: "In actuality, I'm sure it was acquired online and at a . . . . " (It will just tend to make the piece more "reader friendly," Greg. Good luck, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 11-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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I rearranged EVERYTHING. Thank you for the Advice and Guidance!! I broke up a lot of paragraphs. I also added more detail etc. Thank you again!
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Good for you, my friend. Just asking, what was he at the doctor's office for..specifically Greg? Bob
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Complex PTSD actually. Traumatic childhood ;)
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Okay. sorry for my ignorance, Greg. Bob
Comment from Jean Lutz1
Brings back memories -- not of therapy -- of the days when you could actually dial a phone and a person answered. When I got my monthly lab work for cancer treatment -- the procedure took about a minute. Trying to call and find lost paperwork took several hours. I wish you well with the entry. Words and artwork work together like doctor and nurse.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Brings back memories -- not of therapy -- of the days when you could actually dial a phone and a person answered. When I got my monthly lab work for cancer treatment -- the procedure took about a minute. Trying to call and find lost paperwork took several hours. I wish you well with the entry. Words and artwork work together like doctor and nurse.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Oh I hear you.
I actually redid it and added a lot more. Maybe it's better. Thanks so much!!
I really do appreciate it...
Comment from royowen
It's funny how we do something, then think in our minds that it's pointless, but realise that it still pointless to stop, I had the same déjà vu incident this morning Gregory, well done, good post, good job, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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It's funny how we do something, then think in our minds that it's pointless, but realise that it still pointless to stop, I had the same déjà vu incident this morning Gregory, well done, good post, good job, blessings Roy
Comment Written 11-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Whoa. Thanks man!!
I actually redid it and added a lot more. Maybe it's better. Thanks so much!!
Thanks for always reading man :)
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Well done Greg
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Ha, Ha, Ha having a sweettalk with yourself from the future on a shrink coach There's not a chance I'm doing this again, I thought. Then I looked down at the phone, realizing I had told myself this last time, and let out a winded sigh.
I'd love to." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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Ha, Ha, Ha having a sweettalk with yourself from the future on a shrink coach There's not a chance I'm doing this again, I thought. Then I looked down at the phone, realizing I had told myself this last time, and let out a winded sigh.
I'd love to." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2021
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I actually redid it and added a lot more. Maybe it's better. Would you possibly think about giving it another look? Maybe it's a Five now! No obligation. But now I'm really curious to YOUR thoughts on particular :)
Thanks so much!!
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Actually your 4 star has brought down my entire rating. Typically if there are no errors it is a five. BUT I think I made it A LOT better and maybe you'll want to move it to a five. I would Really appreciate it? Just because I have a six on one.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-A very good image and
story to go with it, Greg.
-I like your premise, and the
detail and dialogue is very good.
-Effective description of the phone
that sets up the story.
-The second section is good, too,
with Dr. Rosenthal, and the feelings
about the appointment are expressed well.
-A good ending, too.
-I find the story believable, but I am wondering
about your title. It seems like an adult story to me.
My take on it is you are an adult, and the Greg on
the phone is 15 years older than that.
-One small thing 'it's appeal.' [its]
-Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
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-A very good image and
story to go with it, Greg.
-I like your premise, and the
detail and dialogue is very good.
-Effective description of the phone
that sets up the story.
-The second section is good, too,
with Dr. Rosenthal, and the feelings
about the appointment are expressed well.
-A good ending, too.
-I find the story believable, but I am wondering
about your title. It seems like an adult story to me.
My take on it is you are an adult, and the Greg on
the phone is 15 years older than that.
-One small thing 'it's appeal.' [its]
-Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2021
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I corrected it. Thank you!! Seriously I really appreciate seeing your name. I love your reviews and of course your work. Thank you :)
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You are very welcome, and I appreciate your reply very much. I wonder what you thought about my idea of the ages of the speaker.
