Kathy Barker Private Investigato
A young woman tries to move on7 total reviews
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
Great story!
Noticed some typos:
"You weren't there, Steven," Kathy yelled, yanking her arm away. "I was. I relive it every night and every time I look (in the) mirror."
"You're (Your) work," Kathy said, "You're Bob Blackman?"
"I talked to (too) much," Kathy took heavy breaths, "he dislocated his thumb," she continued laughing, "pulled his hand right out. I didn't bank on that."
Cars blared their horns as they weaved (wove) in and out of traffic.
Moments later, Emily peered up over the broken glass. Pulling up alongside the murder's (murderer's) car, Kathy locked eyes with her niece.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Great story!
Noticed some typos:
"You weren't there, Steven," Kathy yelled, yanking her arm away. "I was. I relive it every night and every time I look (in the) mirror."
"You're (Your) work," Kathy said, "You're Bob Blackman?"
"I talked to (too) much," Kathy took heavy breaths, "he dislocated his thumb," she continued laughing, "pulled his hand right out. I didn't bank on that."
Cars blared their horns as they weaved (wove) in and out of traffic.
Moments later, Emily peered up over the broken glass. Pulling up alongside the murder's (murderer's) car, Kathy locked eyes with her niece.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for letting me know. My eyes have a habit of overlooking or filling in words I know should be there.
Comment from Mistydawn
What an interesting story. It's very interesting, imaginative, creative. A PI/ bounty hunter vigilante taking care of vile men is right up my alley. This is a great start to what could be a very promising story. Hopefully we'll see more.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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What an interesting story. It's very interesting, imaginative, creative. A PI/ bounty hunter vigilante taking care of vile men is right up my alley. This is a great start to what could be a very promising story. Hopefully we'll see more.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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I entered a short story contest where you are giving 3 condistions. Mine were action/adventure, entrepreneur, and Healing and you had 2,500 words to do it in.
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You did a great job with it.
Comment from blondie560
Good story with the open ending for sequels. A few minor errors in spelling your title doesn't say Investigator, drug addicts not attics, colleagues not colleges. I'm not the spelling police believe me, but these did stand out. Sally:)
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Good story with the open ending for sequels. A few minor errors in spelling your title doesn't say Investigator, drug addicts not attics, colleagues not colleges. I'm not the spelling police believe me, but these did stand out. Sally:)
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you for pointing out the errors. I will fix the ones in the story. The title ran of room, it only allows so many characters.
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I didn?t know that the title only allowed so many characters. Well that?s just plain stupid on FanStory?s part. I guess I?ve never had a long title. I learn something new all the time here.
Comment from AnnieDawn
Well, this was a good read that kept the reader captivated through the plot so it has a good ploy for keeping the reader involved. I am not sure but that the killer should have died in the crash rather than the main character killing him with no consequences. That was revenge for sure but cold blooded murder and does not set right. Otherwise, it is a good story. I have a few corrections to point out below. Great job though.
I relive it every night and every time I look mirror."(Add 'in the' mirror)
"You track down hoodlums and drug attics,( addicts not attics)
Looking up from the ground, Kathy (since they are in the house you might want to change 'ground' to 'floor')
9
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Well, this was a good read that kept the reader captivated through the plot so it has a good ploy for keeping the reader involved. I am not sure but that the killer should have died in the crash rather than the main character killing him with no consequences. That was revenge for sure but cold blooded murder and does not set right. Otherwise, it is a good story. I have a few corrections to point out below. Great job though.
I relive it every night and every time I look mirror."(Add 'in the' mirror)
"You track down hoodlums and drug attics,( addicts not attics)
Looking up from the ground, Kathy (since they are in the house you might want to change 'ground' to 'floor')
9
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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In my mind she got off on self-defence because the man did just blow up her sister-in-law and kidnap her niece. I am sorry that wasn't clear.
Comment from siais
This one made me happy, well written! Thanks for sharing!
"How many others did you hurt?" Kathy walked to the gun. "How many others have nightmares of your face when they close their eyes?"
Blackman laughed as blood ran out the corner of his mouth, "all of them, I hope."
"Well, no more," Kathy picked up the gun and pulled the trigger.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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This one made me happy, well written! Thanks for sharing!
"How many others did you hurt?" Kathy walked to the gun. "How many others have nightmares of your face when they close their eyes?"
Blackman laughed as blood ran out the corner of his mouth, "all of them, I hope."
"Well, no more," Kathy picked up the gun and pulled the trigger.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I would suggest shortening your title to Kathy Barker P.I. For one major reason. Your current title doesn't ft on the page. As t's one of the first thing folk see, it can be off-putting. Everyone knows what a P.I. is so you'd lose nothing and it would look more professional.
I think you've got a good, strong character here and you've given us her 'origin tale'. The bare bones are all here but I do think it still needs a bit of ironing out in certain areas.
I made some notes as I read through-
You track down hoodlums and drug attics - I think that should be drug addicts.
"I have somewhere to be," Kathy grabbed her bag and stormed away. - I would end the dialogue here with a period as what follows isn't a speech tag.
"You're work," Kathy said, "You're Bob Blackman?" - your work. Also the first piece of the tag and speech tag aren't closed off. Technically the second piece of dialogue is therefore continuing and should start lower case. Either that or close off the first sentence after the tag with a period.
"but I have others you might enjoy. Evening," the artist tipped his head and merged into the crowd. - I would end the dialogue here with a period. Again, what follows isn't a tag.
"Where'd he go?" she frantically searched the room. - She should be capitalised here.
"That was him, Mor," Kathy shoved her glass in Morwenna's hand, "that was him? - need closing speech marks at the end here.
, "you want to tell me once again what you think I should feel," she pushed past him. - the dialogue here should end with a period and She should be capitalised as a new sentence.
Kathy hid out of sight, potioning herself for his return. - not sure what you were going for here... positioning?
little girl right in from of him, and then you gave this" she pulled back her shirt. - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
Wait? What?" Steven stuttered, "you tried to kill someone. I know you talked...but I didn't think..." - the second piece of dialogue here should start with a capital.
Kathy felt weightless as her body was propelled through the air. Ears ringing, she shook her head, trying to focus her eyes--the car, Steven's car, in flames. - i'm not convinced the guy would have had the amount of time it would have taken to set this up. If he didn't recognise Kathy right off, how would he have known where to find the brother? These are quite big plot holes I think.
Blackman also seems considerably agile despite having been stabbed in both legs.
My thrifty and expedient colleges tell me you've been looking for me for quite some time, - colleagues.
Opening her swollen eyes, she sees her niece being forced into a car by the monster that destroyed her life. - slipped into present tense here.
Meeting her enemy's eyes, Blackman raised his gun and fired. The passenger side window shattered - there's no actual indication that she'd caught up alongside him previous to this piece of action.
Blackman's gun appears to have a heck of a lot of bullets. On a high speed chase, there's no way he could have reloaded and maintained that kind of speed and agility. it stretches credulity a bit too much.
Pulling up alongside the murder's car, Kathy - murderer's.
The safety belt thing would not necessarily have saved the niece. Very reckless and irresponsible. I almost lose any sympathy for Kathy at this point as she's too bloody-minded.
Slamming on her breaks, Kathy raced to the wreckage. - brakes.
Blackman laughed as blood ran out the corner of his mouth, "all of them, I hope." - start the dialogue with a capital.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Hi there,
I would suggest shortening your title to Kathy Barker P.I. For one major reason. Your current title doesn't ft on the page. As t's one of the first thing folk see, it can be off-putting. Everyone knows what a P.I. is so you'd lose nothing and it would look more professional.
I think you've got a good, strong character here and you've given us her 'origin tale'. The bare bones are all here but I do think it still needs a bit of ironing out in certain areas.
I made some notes as I read through-
You track down hoodlums and drug attics - I think that should be drug addicts.
"I have somewhere to be," Kathy grabbed her bag and stormed away. - I would end the dialogue here with a period as what follows isn't a speech tag.
"You're work," Kathy said, "You're Bob Blackman?" - your work. Also the first piece of the tag and speech tag aren't closed off. Technically the second piece of dialogue is therefore continuing and should start lower case. Either that or close off the first sentence after the tag with a period.
"but I have others you might enjoy. Evening," the artist tipped his head and merged into the crowd. - I would end the dialogue here with a period. Again, what follows isn't a tag.
"Where'd he go?" she frantically searched the room. - She should be capitalised here.
"That was him, Mor," Kathy shoved her glass in Morwenna's hand, "that was him? - need closing speech marks at the end here.
, "you want to tell me once again what you think I should feel," she pushed past him. - the dialogue here should end with a period and She should be capitalised as a new sentence.
Kathy hid out of sight, potioning herself for his return. - not sure what you were going for here... positioning?
little girl right in from of him, and then you gave this" she pulled back her shirt. - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
Wait? What?" Steven stuttered, "you tried to kill someone. I know you talked...but I didn't think..." - the second piece of dialogue here should start with a capital.
Kathy felt weightless as her body was propelled through the air. Ears ringing, she shook her head, trying to focus her eyes--the car, Steven's car, in flames. - i'm not convinced the guy would have had the amount of time it would have taken to set this up. If he didn't recognise Kathy right off, how would he have known where to find the brother? These are quite big plot holes I think.
Blackman also seems considerably agile despite having been stabbed in both legs.
My thrifty and expedient colleges tell me you've been looking for me for quite some time, - colleagues.
Opening her swollen eyes, she sees her niece being forced into a car by the monster that destroyed her life. - slipped into present tense here.
Meeting her enemy's eyes, Blackman raised his gun and fired. The passenger side window shattered - there's no actual indication that she'd caught up alongside him previous to this piece of action.
Blackman's gun appears to have a heck of a lot of bullets. On a high speed chase, there's no way he could have reloaded and maintained that kind of speed and agility. it stretches credulity a bit too much.
Pulling up alongside the murder's car, Kathy - murderer's.
The safety belt thing would not necessarily have saved the niece. Very reckless and irresponsible. I almost lose any sympathy for Kathy at this point as she's too bloody-minded.
Slamming on her breaks, Kathy raced to the wreckage. - brakes.
Blackman laughed as blood ran out the corner of his mouth, "all of them, I hope." - start the dialogue with a capital.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Yes, I had thought of just having the shore "P.I."
Thank you for all your help with this piece. I will make the editing corrections and you have given me other things to consider with your observations.
Comment from Goodadvicechan
The author is a good story teller. What has happened to Kathy is easy to follow. The killing event is well described intros story.
The highlight of the sentence is: ""Well, no more," Kathy picked up the gun and pulled the trigger.
Well done. Happy writing.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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The author is a good story teller. What has happened to Kathy is easy to follow. The killing event is well described intros story.
The highlight of the sentence is: ""Well, no more," Kathy picked up the gun and pulled the trigger.
Well done. Happy writing.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your review.
